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Calm Before The Storm?


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As most of you know, I have just passed 10 months since Karen died. It seems like yesterday and yet it seems like a hundred years ago. Lately things have been going good for me. Life seems enjoyable again (I wish I could say the same for work):). It almost seems too good to be true. Don't get me wrong, I still miss Karen more than I can describe, but everything is just falling into place. I sometimes wonder is this the calm before the storm? I have March coming up which would have been our 12th wedding aniversary and then about 2 weeks later will be the one year mark (I hessitate to call it an aniversary). Is it all going to cave in on me the next couple of weeks as I get closer? I have almost survived the first year, something I didn't think I would be able to do. What are the thoughts of those that have gotten past that first year?

Derek

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Derek - I wish you only the best as you pass these milestones on your journey through grief. As you know by now, we all respond differently to our losses. It depends on such things as the length and quality of the relationship.

I can only relate my personal experience which may differ from yours. I was married to my spouse for over 40 years and also, like you, miss her more than my words can describe. It has been almost 22 months since she died - just 3 months after her initial diagnosis.

I am happy for you that lately things have been going good and that life seems enjoyable. I personally have not yet reached that point, but hopefully someday soon I will be there. I truly hope that your good feelings will continue. But, remember that we have been told that this trip is like a rollercoaster ride which can take sudden and unexpected dips. Certain milestones, with special associated memories can cause these dips, but in your case I feel you will recover and continue to survive and enjoy life. You seen to have a very positive attitude and that will serve you well I am sure.

Good Luck to you and your son also. :)

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Derek,

I am not at the one year mark yet. It will be eight months the 21st of this month. Things are getting better, and I fear the same as you. Must be something we all will fear, the feeling of sadness and loss. We have lost the one we thought we would be with forever. Well there forever was true, ours is still not over, its a long journey we have ahead of us.

Just remember they still are with us, just not physically, but in our heart and our memories.

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Derek,

It has only been a little less than nine months for me since my lovely wife died. I have also had good times and bad in those nine months. I am glad you are finding strength in your life right now and hope it continues, but don't be discouraged if you experience some sorrow again. Just remember every positive in life requires a negative or we wouldn't know the good in life from the bad. Without sorrow we wouldn't know what joy feels like and vice versa. I was told many years ago that if I didn't go through a bad marriage before my angel came into my life, I wouldn't have known what a good marriage was. When I'm going through a bad time I realize it's only going to be temporary because I will make it so. May you find your life getting better every day.

Rick

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Derek, I relate to your post about the one year mark. My mom passed Feb 24, 2006 and it feels like, "if I can just get past the one year mark, I'll be ok" I guess in a way we won't have to face all the "firsts without them" phase, but we will always miss our loved ones. I don't post often, but I read the posts everyday. This forum has helped me so much, just reading how we are all "related" in this journey of grief. I wish you and your son all the best in life and I will keep you both in my prayers along with everyone else traveling this road of saddness, knowing we will all come through it eventually, learning so much from each other on this unwanted journey.

God bless us all.

Nancy

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Dear Derek, I am approaching a 2 year mark in June. At the one year mark the anticipation of the day was more heart wrenching than the day was. I had passed our 29th year anniversary a month before. Gene and I had 28 years of love and happiness together. I spent a day of memories..yes with tears. At the one year mark that one little cell in my body that still was "waiting" for Gene finally accepted our new relationship. I no longer ask "why". I will know when my lonely journey is over. There are still moments of grief bursts but they are not as frequent and do not last long. My thoughts are always of my love but now I can see his smile more remembering how happy we made each other.

I hope your days pass gently Derek with loving memories. Those left behind that are farther ahead in this journey said time heals and it does slowly and quietly as the world goes on. I carry Gene with me always in my scarred heart.

Always Gene!

Always!

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Derek,

I am not at the one year mark yet, but I feel sometimes like things are going a little too good and it is just going to explode in my face. I think after some time I feel like I will be ok despite how I have felt in the past I am ok being alone and ok raising my son alone. I think with time things just became ok. We will always hold our husbands and wives in our heart but we will be ok. I hope the one year mark doesnt end the things that are going good for you. Take care and God bless/

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Derek,

As Walt said, "this trip is like a rollercoaster ride which can take sudden and unexpected dips. Certain milestones, with special associated memories can cause these dips, but in your case I feel you will recover and continue to survive and enjoy life. You seen to have a very positive attitude and that will serve you well I am sure." And as Rick said, "When I'm going through a bad time I realize it's only going to be temporary because I will make it so."

I think our attitude and focus makes a huge difference, and even though you may be hit with down times,you are a positive person with faith and you will survive and find joy in life, even though you'll have that underying sense of missing Karen there too.

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I would have to agree with all that has been said. As you all know, I am a little passed my 2 year mark. Things are definately better - there isn't a day that goes by that my thoughts, at some point, don't turn to something about Charlie. I still miss him SO MUCH, but I am TRYING to move along in life - trying to focus on myself a little more. Some things hit me really hard - just last night I burst into tears after seeing someone on TV laying in a hospital bed dying of cancer. It just brought back the horrible picture that I have of my beloved laying in that hospital bed, but as someone said, the tears didn't last as long as they have in the past. I know I'm getting through it, but seeing others happy with their "spouse" STILL makes me very upset - I just want him in my life still. I loved him so much and we were so happy - I just want it that way again; yet I know I can't have it. So therefore I need to focus on other things in my life.

I'm glad, Derek, that things are looking up for you!! Just keep a positive attitude and you should be fine. Things will be up and down but keep focused on the "up".

Hugs to everyone!

Patti

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's been two years and eight months. After the two year mark, I was doing pretty well. Still sad at times, occasional crying, but not the desperate turmoil and devastation of the first two years. I figured I was on my way up.

Then, in Dec. 2006, my dad died. It brought back all the grief, so that I was not only grieving for Dad, but for my husband again. My counselor tells me this is often the case. So I am back to it. It's not quite as bad as the first year, when I used to cry until I threw up, and couldn't sleep, and nearly had car accidents because I couldn't concentrate. But I now am sleeping much more than normal, am often depressed, cry a lot, and don't want to see people. And it's hard to concentrate at work.

It's still a roller coaster. I do know now that it will be temporary, because it was before. But I never expected to feel this bad well into the third year! However, my dad's death certainly brought it all back.

Ann

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  • 1 month later...

Derek, I say be positive. It may sound silly, but I would maintain focus on the good things that happen. If you begin to feel sad or down then feel it. I'm not suggesting you ignore your felings, just that you don't need to direct yourself into self-doubt or sadness.

Maury

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Derek, you are very lucky. It's been 2 years since Don died and I am still going through bouts of intense sadness. My retirement was just a few months after his death and we were planning things we would do when I no longer had to worry about employees and he could take just about any time off from work. Being without a job and without him at the same time was worse. I never realized until I looked back that both losses made my sadness worse. Still feel that I have no future. My future was with him. He was so important to me. Words don't do it. I am still struggling. Some days I just don't get up. I have gotten active in a local service organization as a volunteer. I have to force myself to go but feel better when I am there. I miss Don so much. Never thought it was possible to miss someone so much.

Don't mean to be a downer but it's where I am at now. I envy you. And if you can make it maybe I can too.

Grace

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Grace, I think how your feeling is probably more how most of us are feeling. I coming up on seventeen months and I can't say that much has changed with the grief. Yes, the shock has worn off but living a life without him still feels completely impossible to think about. Deborah

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