Lily Posted July 9, 2008 Report Share Posted July 9, 2008 I haven't written, it seems, for quite awhile...it's as though no matter what I do, I get hit hard with the realization that my husband is gone. I'vebeen reading some of the letters and I know that's how I feel - the ability to do things but feeling nothing on the inside....it's as though I've died toobut my body is still here and that's all...there's a commercial on tv wherethe actress says something like if I looked on the outside like I feel on theinside would people believe then the pain I have...I believe it's on fibromyalgia. But that how I think - I look ok on the outside and I thinkpeople think I'm ok, but my outside should be scored, lacerated because that'show I feel most days on the inside...I can talk, and smile and chuckle at somestories people tell, but it's only on my face and nowhere else lies the joyor pleasantness...it's almost as if I've become a new sounding board for theirstories or problems and no one wants to listen to me...no one really hears me.The few friends I thought I had have let me down terribly and probably were not friends at all - one stopped calling (3 months now) after asking to borrowand getting a considerable amount at a time when I was crying and thinking Icouldn't go on; another got angry at me for something (I guess) and hasn'tcalled for a couple of months after calling and going out to lunch quite a fewtimes...I have no idea what I might have said or done and really I don't havethe energy to even try to find out; and there are some others and all I feelfrom their actions or non actions is a deeper loss of Rich who was such a goodman - loyal, responsible, and so filled with integrity...I miss him so muchand somedays when I don't cry I still feel so dead and empty on the insideand other days when it hits me again and again and again that he is NOT comingback to me I just want to die....I read, I mow the grass, pay the bills, go out to eat, got invited to a July 4th gathering and all of that's ok, butthen I come home to emptiness and realization of how alone I am and whenI watch tv and see programs or commercials with families making plans I knowthat's not for me anylonger....I know this sounds horrible, but if I diedright this moment, that would be ok...I really have no real reason to go on...I have no one, absolutely no one ....sometimes people say how much they wouldmiss me or love me but you know ---at the end of the day they are off the phone in time or off to work or with their families -- life goes on and itshould...it's just that I feel I have no real purpose anymore...except andreally this isn't meant to be stupid...but my pets would miss be terribly Ithink - they walk with me and sleep with me and I love them so and they'rewhat's keeping me going...I've always been so strong; Rich said once thatI was so used to handling everyone else's problems and fixing them and thatI was driving myself crazy because I hadn't and couldn't find the cure forhis cancer...he knew me so well. But now I'm just so tired of fighting thefight or trying to conquer the battles whatever they are now. This postseems so desperate I know, but I am so tired of talking to myself or Richor God or friends? neighbors, family who say things like it takes time, oryou HAVE to do things (I do - lunches, dinners, july 4th festivities, read,volunteer, etc - can't they see I do and it means nothing to me - I meanI even sleep relatively well and eat ok - but there's no life in me) Thankyou all for listening...Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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