Desperate

[Lily]

I haven't written, it seems, for quite awhile...it's as though no matter what I do, I get hit hard with the realization that my husband is gone. I've

been reading some of the letters and I know that's how I feel - the ability to do things but feeling nothing on the inside....it's as though I've died too

but my body is still here and that's all...there's a commercial on tv where

the actress says something like if I looked on the outside like I feel on the

inside would people believe then the pain I have...I believe it's on fibromyalgia. But that how I think - I look ok on the outside and I think

people think I'm ok, but my outside should be scored, lacerated because that's

how I feel most days on the inside...I can talk, and smile and chuckle at some

stories people tell, but it's only on my face and nowhere else lies the joy

or pleasantness...it's almost as if I've become a new sounding board for their

stories or problems and no one wants to listen to me...no one really hears me.

The few friends I thought I had have let me down terribly and probably were not friends at all - one stopped calling (3 months now) after asking to borrow

and getting a considerable amount at a time when I was crying and thinking I

couldn't go on; another got angry at me for something (I guess) and hasn't

called for a couple of months after calling and going out to lunch quite a few

times...I have no idea what I might have said or done and really I don't have

the energy to even try to find out; and there are some others and all I feel

from their actions or non actions is a deeper loss of Rich who was such a good

man - loyal, responsible, and so filled with integrity...I miss him so much

and somedays when I don't cry I still feel so dead and empty on the inside

and other days when it hits me again and again and again that he is NOT coming

back to me I just want to die....I read, I mow the grass, pay the bills,

go out to eat, got invited to a July 4th gathering and all of that's ok, but

then I come home to emptiness and realization of how alone I am and when

I watch tv and see programs or commercials with families making plans I know

that's not for me anylonger....I know this sounds horrible, but if I died

right this moment, that would be ok...I really have no real reason to go on...

I have no one, absolutely no one ....sometimes people say how much they would

miss me or love me but you know ---at the end of the day they are off the phone in time or off to work or with their families -- life goes on and it

should...it's just that I feel I have no real purpose anymore...except and

really this isn't meant to be stupid...but my pets would miss be terribly I

think - they walk with me and sleep with me and I love them so and they're

what's keeping me going...I've always been so strong; Rich said once that

I was so used to handling everyone else's problems and fixing them and that

I was driving myself crazy because I hadn't and couldn't find the cure for

his cancer...he knew me so well. But now I'm just so tired of fighting the

fight or trying to conquer the battles whatever they are now. This post

seems so desperate I know, but I am so tired of talking to myself or Rich

or God or friends? neighbors, family who say things like it takes time, or

you HAVE to do things (I do - lunches, dinners, july 4th festivities, read,

volunteer, etc - can't they see I do and it means nothing to me - I mean

I even sleep relatively well and eat ok - but there's no life in me) Thank

you all for listening...Lily

[Leah]

oh Lily (((hugs))) I know the place you are in. And I totally understand about the pets, the day before Jerry was killed he adopted a 4 month old puppy, Scrappy came to live with us and our 9 year old dog Bootie. Then after Jerry was killed I went back to the same rescue and adopted another puppy I named Dexter. They have been my breath at times, they give me so much unconditional love. For me, rescuing these two has given me a sense of purpose, actually it is a trade because they are rescuing me.

Hugs,

Leah

[dpodesta]

Lily,

Looking at when you joined, you are still in the first 9 months since you lost your loved one. You are still in the middle of trying to find yourself and who you are. Right now it seems like you are in the middle of a dark fog with no way out. I remember those days very well. I wish I had another answer for you other than time. One is keep coming here and posting I know there are days when you just don't feel like it, well do it anyway. We are here to listen and try to help in anyway possible, and by you posting you will be helping yourself get those thoughts and emotions out on paper where someone who has been there understands and can help you. I too felt for a long time there was no reason for me to go on, however my son had just turned 7 at the time, he is 9 now. He was the only reason I stayed around. As time went on things did change and I started living for myself instaead of just for him. If it helps right now, then keep trudging on for your pets. They need you like my son needed me. As time passes (I know you don't want to know about the time thing) you will find it does get better. Trust me it does just focus on today nd today only, do not try and see what it will be like in the future. These are the things that helped me get to where I am today.

Love always

Derek

[fred]

Lily, As Derek mentioned we can see that you joined in January, near to the time when I came on. However, I can not remember when you lost Rich, please forgive me (you may know about the ¨swiss cheese memory¨ aspect of grief). If you are in the first nine months or so as Derek has suspected, then your feelings are entirely normal. The shock has begun to wear off and the reality is setting in. These feelings will come and go over and over again like waves that you will have no ability to predict. I found the blessings of company here after surviving the first year alone. I had mistakenly thought that things would begin to get better afer I had passed that first aniversary. The growing emptiness and despair drove me to look for answers online. Here I found more than answers; here there are people that care and understand and that love you and will walk with you up and down every hill. Yes, you feel like a mess right now and things may stay that way for quite some time, but it will get better, you will get stronger and someday it will get easier to go on. Hang in there. Here is a big hug , sometimes it is the best medicine.

[LarrysGirl]

Lily, I know you are really hurting right now. You sound so much like me. I am further along in time and you will get here also. There aren't any easy answers as you know. It just hurts really bad to lose the one you love. I have Larry and my two dogs and like yours they stick with me every moment of the day. They have kept me here when I felt there was no sense in me sticking around. I feel so badly for them because their lives changed drastically the day he died also. It will take time for life to have any feeling of normalcy again. Many days I still can't come to terms with my life. I fought so hard to keep Larry alive until he could get a transplant. Now that we lost that fight I don't know what to do with myself. My friendships have totally changed and many have ended. I couldn't deal with them nor they with me. So sad. This site is so full of great caring people who DO understand. Just share your feelings when you feel like it and we will listen. Deborah

[kimb]

lily

i understand your feelings, i also am a new widow. Sometimes i feel so empty. How can we go on when the one person we were closest to is gone. I dont have any answers only consolations. I can say that im praying for you and that i wish for comfort in your heart

MAY GOD BLESS YOU

kimb

[KathyG]

Lily,

Being let down by people you thought were friends is, I think, one of the saddest aftereffects of losing someone you loved. But after awhile, you may find that a few individuals who were strangers or casual acquaintances before - become close friends and your strongest supporters. This has happened to me, and I hope it will to you too.

I understand that feeling of "Why bother doing anything? What's the use?" But the fact is, it helps to do things when your heart isn't in them. You may have to fake enthusiasm now. But the more you do, the further you extend yourself, the easier it becomes to get out and be active. And at some point, you'll start to look forward to doing things again. It happens slowly, but it happens.

For now, let your pets be your reason to keep on. They depend on you for care and love, and even if you feel no one else wants or needs you - they do. They love you unconditionally, and they don't judge you or run away when you can't hold back the tears.

[Guest moparlicious]

Lily,

I know exactly how you feel and I feel the same way as you, I am only 10 1/2 months in this journey myself, so I still think of my myself as a new widow. All the empty and lonely feelings are EXACTLY how I feel!!! Just wanted to let you know you do have someone and have many friends who are here for you, you have all of us. Let me tell you I have meet the most wonderful,caring ,great examples of human beings there ever were on this site. I had so many "friends" prior to Dan dying, but now I have all my new real friends here. My old "friends", don;t know what to say or don't come around or call anymore, and why is it they act soooooo weird when you metion your loved ones name? I never understood that, and still don't. Glad to see your back on, you have been missed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kim

[kayc]

Lily,

I think I can see why this post has so many responses...it could have been written by any one of us, it is our lament, our story! Even down to the pets. When George died, our cat ran away (I guess the cat must have felt closer to him than me) but God supplied me with a wonderful cat, Chappy, and he was so loving, and he kept me going...up until a year ago when a cougar took his life. Chappy was my godsend and I have no idea why I had to lose him too. And I lost my "King George", our cat that lived to be 19, just one year after my George died.

Pets are amazing, and I encourage you to spend as much time as you can with yours. They seem to have that uncanny knack of feeling where we are at and caring. Right now it is my son's dog, Skye, that seems to give me joy in life, he is the happiest dog I have ever seen and never ceases to greet me with enthusiastic joy!

So much of what we have gone through is "the motions of a ghost-like creature that is now us". We relate, Lily, I know you hate hearing "it takes time", I did too, but really, sometimes I think that's the only cure. It is never the same again, but we get more used to it. I'm sorry, I wish it were better for you.

Love, KayC

[Caroline]

Dear Lily,

You expressed my feelings and experiences so perfectly. Wish I could hug you for that.

Just wanted to let you know I'm feeling exactly that way and yes, no one wants to really listen. I'm not blaming them (maybe a little) but it seems like everyone has a case of the "denials" that such sorrow even exists in this world.

I'm afraid I can't help anyone and I don't post very often either but I do read the posts and care and pray for help for all of us.

At least this is one avenue we have to express our feelings and know they will be accepted and understood and shared.

Wishing peace soon,

Caroline

[Jan Thurman]

Lily, I have only written on here once before but I am feeling the same way. My husband passed away on March 9th. I didn't get to say goodbye. If it wasn't for my daughter I would be so lost. She is wonderful to me. She will listen to me for however long I want to talk. She will listen to me cry for however long I want to cry. But no one at work even asks me how am I doing. I think they are afraid I may tell them. I cry at my desk and no one says anything. Even a friend that I have been emailing to for 3 years+ said I can't talk to you anymore you have changed and I can't deal with it. Of course, I've changed my whole world died but I can't talk to her about it. My boss's wife is a grief counselor and she calls in and asks how I'm doing. I say lousy and she says good that's just how you are supposed to feel. I said I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now and she said you're not supposed to do anything right now but grieve - which will probably be about a year - then once you know it has come to an end then you decide what you are meant to do. I have found that working in my yard is great therapy and doing all the things that my husband wanted to get done this year I am trying to do. Well, I had better quit rambling on for now but just wanted to let you know that I have the same feelings as you. Very sorry for your loss also. Janet

[fred]

To Jan and those of you that are just begining this most difficult journey. Please do not expect that things will get easier or magically better when you reach that first anniversary. The grief counselor was right when she said you are supposed to feel lousy, no one has to remind you of all you have lost. But I wish we could put a stop to this myth that the first year is the hardest and that things will get better after that. It may be that for many people this is true, but we are here simply because we are having difficulty dealing with the reality that has been forced upon us. To think that a year and a day will be any different than any day before that is just plain silly. Today may be the worst day of your entire life, tomorrow may be better, or it may be twice as bad as today. By now you probably know that there is no way of telling what the day will be like when you awaken in the morning. You may have a reprieve for a period of time during that first year; you probably will, but the pain will be back and it may be worse. This grief comes and goes in waves, for days at a time and after almost eighteen months I am no closer to finding any pattern to it than I was at six months. The only thing I am sure of is that your journey will not be exactly like anyone elses, your loss, your relationship, all of it is as individual as you are. I searched for answers and arrived at this site when I could no longer bear being alone after the first anniversary had come and gone. Months thirteen, fourteen and fifteen were pretty bad. There are still days that hit me hard, though I seem to be okay lately. Please live each day as it comes, don´t fight the grief, don´t try to force your way through. Grief has its own timetable, if you are to heal you must allow it to proceed. Do what you can, when you can and most importantly, take care of yourselves. You will survive, you will get stronger, and someday you will feel better. Hugs to all.

[Gail_R]

Fred I agree with you..for me it will 18 months on the 20th of July. You are so right one day things are good and it may go like that for a few day's and maybe even a week and then out of the blue the tears start again and you feel like you are back to square one. So I guess that we must take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I have not post in sometime but come everyday to see how everyone is doing. So to each and everyone on this site take care of yourselves and be kind to yourselves. Gail

[dpodesta]

Fred,

You are correct for some he first year was the hardest and for some the second year is. For me I believe the first was the hardest because of all of the annual firsts that happen. However, as time goes on, as my son grows up there will be many more firsts and there will be down days as you have siad. Grief does hit us like waves and we never know when the next one is coming. Enjoy the times when you are not in pain and sadness. Each one of us is on a journey, while we are each on a different path and a different time table we are are connected through this site to help each other through this.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Jan,

It is good to hear from you again, I had wondered how you were doing. For me the second year was hard too, just different, I'm sure it's different for everyone. There was a sense of relief in having all the "firsts without" behind me, but I in no way had reached acceptance yet, it takes a lot of processing and adjusting. There is a lot to be learned in this grieving process, and one of the things I had to learn was to be kind to myself, and to stand up for myself to those who thought I "should be over it". I'm sorry people at work don't understand, they probably would like to help but don't know how. Maybe it'd help to broach the subject with them and if there's anything they can do to help you, don't be shy letting them know. I was fortunate when George died because my work environment was tremendously supportive and there was a guy at work who'd been through it and he clued everyone else in on how to be before I went back to work. I don't have that job now and I miss it.

You are free to contact me any time you want, I live close by so we could even do lunch...

Take care!

KayC

[terlinda]

Dear Lilly,

I too have not written in quite sometime. Actually I only wrote once and thought to myself, why would these people really want to hear how I feel. Well, I decided to come back and read the post because I have been feeling so lost, so alone and depressed, here I find you have written EXACTLY how I am feeling. Thank you so much for writing what I couldn't bring myself to write.I'm sure you were crying when you wrote it as I am.

I too have no friends. I assume now that all the friends we had were really my husbands friends. My husband was truly my only friend. Like you, I am so alone. I even sometimes think, like you, the world wouldn't miss me. If they did, they would call or come over or something. My kids call but not as much as I would like them too. When I call them I feel as though I am interrupting their lives. I don't cry around them but I think they fear I might. I always tell them, call me anytime, you know I am always either at work or home. They know I don't go anywhere.

I really can't believe my husband is gone. Married 32 years. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I lost him Dec. 19. We were supposed to grow old together. Like you, I have the face but inside I am torn apart. I can't even talk about my husband for fear of crying in front of someone so I just keep quite. I constantly cry at home. I, like you, wonder around with this blank, deep empty feeling wondering why I am still here. What is my purpose. The only thing keeping me sane right now are my pets. They are very understanding.I know they know how I am feeling. At least they are here.

Well, just wanted to write and thank you so much for writing. It does help knowing we are not alone in our feelings.

[shhh65]

Janet,

My husband died December 22nd in our back yard by himself. I don't know for sure how long he had been there...sometime under 1 1/2 hours before I found him but that is of no consoldation as I did not get to say goodbye either. I have been with so many of our family members at the time of death and it is hard for me to understand why God did not think it necessary for me to be with the man I had been married to for 42 years when he passed away. I am trying to trust and have thrown myself into several Bible studies. I also have taken on the yard work and outside projects hoping that Harry would be proud of me. I attend a local grief support group and have made a couple of friends I do things with from time to time. It helps to be able to call them or have them call me just to talk and know that the other understands. I am so sorry that you didn't get to say goodbye to your husband either. The only consolation I have is knowing that Harry was having a wonderful day. It was a Saturday, he was off work and so excited as he was retiring the 2nd day of January. I read but don't post here very much. I felt a kindred spirit to your post. I just said a prayer for you and for all of us.

Sherry

[dpodesta]

Shhh65,

When I lost my wife we were on vacation to Disney World and had just arrived when she died of a heart attack. I too never got to say goodbye. But like you I know that she died while happy and doing something she loved to do and not some long drawn out illness in a hospital somewhere. So to that end whilel I was with her when it happened and today I realize that she was gone instantly and felt no pain, I didn't get to say my goodbye. But I have been on the other side of the coin with her mother's death which took months and watching her slowly deteroite. I think today I would rather not be able to say goodbye than to watch someone suffer. I didn't believe that after Karen first died but today as I look back I am glad she felt no pain.

Love always

Derek

[shhh65]

Derek,

Thank you for the kind words. I too have been on the other side with my own mother who passed away in 2003 to lung cancer. My sisters and I were fortunate to be able to care for her in home hospice although it was so very hard to watch her deteriote from the strong woman she was who had cared for all of us. I am so sorry for the loss of your Karen. I have been told that Harry did not suffer either that it was instant. If I had been with him maybe the doubts wouldn't keep creeping in. I just get to feeling sorry for myself from time to time.

Best Wishes,

Sherry

[dpodesta]

Sherry,

Believe me that is very easy to do. We get into those times where our mind begins to wander and we start thinking about how things could have been different if only we had been there, or if only we had done this or that. I hoe to hear more from you and how you are progressing.

Love always

Derek

[Jan Thurman]

Sherry, thank you for your return email. I feel for you as you were the one that found him. If my husband had not gone to visit the guys where he used to work I would have also found him and I don't know what I would have done. Yes, friends seem to disappear. Even my husbands brother and wife who moved here a couple of years ago as he wanted to be with the family is thinking about moving now that my husband has died. But I'm still here and would like there company. I have a wonderful daughter who lives on the next property to mine. In fact she works part time where I work. We are very close. She has been so great through all of this. He was her stepdad but he adopted her when she was 6 years old. We got married when she was 2. I know people don't where black so much these days for mourning but for some reason I can't seem to wear another color. My daughter took me out this past weekend clothes shopping as I have lost 30 pounds since this happened. We had a nice day but it is still very hard to go to stores and see other people holding hands going about there daily lives laughing like I once did. She made me buy nice colors and what did I put on this morning - black. I guess I am going to have to take the plung and start wearing colors. It has been almost 5 months. I also have my grandson who is 10 that I have fun with. My husband had been retirned for 5 years because he had had a heart attack 5 years ago. So he had been able to do some fishing and putter around our place and enjoy not working for a while. He was 7 years older than me so I still worked. I said to my daughter last nite that you put all those years working at a marriage and making the best you can and then poof is over in an instant. Yesterday I seemed to cry all day but feel better today. It is so exhausting. Well I have rambled on enough and had better get to work. Write me anytime. They say that grief is harder when it is sudden and you can't say goodbye. It definitely is as I would have love to have told him thank you for 40 great years. I hope he knows. Janet

[shhh65]

Dear Janet,

My sister gave me a basket of goodies for my birthday recently which included "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. I don't know if you have heard of him but you can search on U tube and find the lecture he gave at the college where he taught. Someone sent the link to me right after my husband died and it was hard to watch but I got thru it. He has a wonderful attitude about life although he is dealing with terminal pancreatic cancer. I just read his book last week and it has helped me...at least right now it seems that way.

Sherry

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

As a follow-up to Sherry's post, see all the posts in this thread: The Last Lecture

[WendyJ]

Speaking of Suzanne has anyone heard from her? I was thinking about her the other day and I don't believe we have heard from her in months.

Love,

Wendy

[fred]

Lilly, We have all had a great deal to say concerning your original post. Has anything helped or have we all missed the mark. How have you been doing? Please update us and keep us posted, we are all in this together and you are the one that has asked for our help at this point. Hugs ........... Wendy, if you click on a persons name you will be sent to that person´s personal page, where you can see when they were last active. It appears that Suzanne was last on April 22nd of this year. You can also send her a personal note or email which sometimes gets a person´s attention to let them know they are missed. Hugs to you too