A New Day

[kayc]

Maybe this doesn't have it's place here, but you are my forever friends and family, and I need your support and encouragement. For those who know me and have followed my story, I must let you know I have decided, finally, to get a divorce. My husband has not been home the last six weekends. He has stood me up Friday night after Friday night, and refused to answer the phone to me or call me. Come Monday morning after he gets to work he calls me with some lame excuse or another. It has been a life of pain and stress and I can't take any more. He has overdrawn his bank account $1700, and I can only think he has flipped. We are intertwined financially to the extent that I may have to file bankruptcy in order to keep my house. I am going to find a lawyer and see what I need to do to set about on the path of protecting myself. He did not deposit his last paycheck for his bills and the bank will come after me for it...he is now unemployed and living in a motor home that we owe on and I don't know where he has it. A fine mess! His behavior tells me he is still having an affair (or a new one). I have done my level best, giving 1000% to a marriage that I never should have entered and didn't deserve me. I am done.

I have told others before, please don't be as stupid as I was...I was very vulnerable when George died, the pain and lonliness was excrutiating, and I made a huge mistake by remarrying, and especially in my choice. This man was a good con man, he put on a pretense of loving me and being there for me, then after he sucked me in his true colors began to emerge. I'm not the only one who has ever been duped, but fortunately, few have been taken to the extent I have.

At any rate, the grief I am going through now is doubled, my heart is broken, my esteem is shattered, I have a lot of painful tasks ahead of me...but you know what? I am going to make it. I have fortitude, I have strength, I have God, and I have you, my friends. I may need to be reminded of this at 3:00 a.m. in the nights to follow. I have not been sleeping. I didn't sleep at all Friday night, but I did catch a few hours last night. It will be like that for a while. This man thinks I am weak and is undoubtedly laughing at me, weak victim that fell prey to him, but I am anything but. I have survived the pain of losing a husband to death, and I will survive this too. And I will go on to create a new life for myself that has some measure of joy in it, and I AM DETERMINED!

So pray for me, all of you, I appreciate it, I love each of you, and if nothing else came from George's death, knowing each of you did, and for that I am grateful.

Love,

KayC

Edited November 23, 2008 by kayc

[AnnieO]

Kay,

You are such a strong woman. You deserve so much more than this man has given you. You are in my thoughts and prayers . As I read you post, I kept thinking how proud George must be of you, to take this huge step in getting your life back. Stay strong.

[marsha]

Kay - Although I wasn't on this site when you got remarried, I did log on to many past posts. But not knowing the complete situation, and not knowing how you feel about your husband, I'm still going to add my 2 cents worth - and I mean no offense, please believe that. Get a good lawyer and cut your losses. You don't need anyone draining you, emotionally or financially.That being said, you gave of yourself and there is only honor to you for doing that. If this is a mistake, we all make them - we're human. I just hope this all comes out to your benefit - I care about what happens to you! Marsha

Kay - one more thing - to be going through what you're going through, and still find the strength to post to those of us who need comfort - you are one amazing woman. You will go through this, of that I have no doubt - Love, Marsha

[karenb]

Well, my friend, Kay - I, for one, am so pleased that you've come to this decision. When you first told us about him, I hoped you'd get out of that situation. Good for you. It will be hard, I know. I divorced my 1st husband after 24 years. The situation was awful, I know what you mean. Then I found my Jack and he showed me there are really good men in this world. When the time is right, it'll happen for you. I'm glad you're determined. Will you be safe? Please take care of yourself physically as well - the emotional is going to be hard enough. Let us know how you're doing. I'll look for your posts. Please take care.

Your friend, Karen

[Corinne]

Kayc,

As you know, we share getting into a relationship too soon after we lost our true loves. I am so glad that you have made this decision, you are too good of a person to be treated the way he has treated you. You gave him a chance to make things right and he has not so it is time to get out. My advice to you is to speak to an attorney right away and do not tell your husband about getting the divorce until after you have spoken to an attorney.

After Jimmy died I did not finish grieving and got involved with John. He too sucked the life out of me along with all of my self esteem and made me feel very useless. It will be 2 years in February that he is gone and I am finding that strong and confident person that Jimmy helped me become. I still have some trust issues I am dealing with but I get stronger every day and I know that I will never get into a relationship like the one I had with John again. I am telling you this because you are a very strong person and you will get through this and see how much stronger you will become. Kayc this was not your fault you gave your all and he took advantage of you when you were so vulnerable. Hold your head up, find a good attorney and for the first time in a long time take care of you because you are one special lady! Know that we are here for you always. Sending you a big hug to strengthen you on your new journey ((((Kayc)))).

Love & Hugs,

Corinne

[LarrysGirl]

Kay, you know I will support you and the decision you have made. It hasn't seemed good for you for awhile and I worried. Its never easy to make a decision like this and under the circumstances it must be very stressful. I'm pulling for you and you are so strong, you will feel better when this is over.

Sorry to say this, but tell him to take a hike and don't let the door hit him in his a**!! Deborah

[fred]

Hey Kay, Maybe this isn´t the place for this type of conversation or maybe it is exactly the BEST place for it. I have seen your name logged in lately during hours I knew you shouldn´t have been and have had trouble avoiding the desire to give you the third degree over what was up. You KNOW we are all a hundred percent behind you and with you and we all owe you so much for what you have done for all of us. You ARE making the best decision and no matter how it turns out otherwise, you need to be free of him.

I had need of the best in attorneys at the end of my disasterous first marriage to be certain of keeping my children with me. Fortunately, the stature of my choice was sufficient to resolve ALL of the issues in my favor without the necessity of actually going into court. I would suggest looking for a no-nonsense woman lawyer with a reputation for handling difficult cases with success. Her rapport with the courts will keep the other side from pulling any stunts and she will understand that doing this for you is the right thing to do. Often, lawyers of this caliber will take a case like this ¨pro-bono¨ (without pay) or for a highly reduced fee, because even they sometimes feel the need to right a wrong. A legal services firm, or whatever name they use on the west coast is also a contact that may be able to link you up with the right lawyer or be able to take the case for little or no cost. My wife was the managing attorney for three of these offices in this area yet would have taken your case herself to insure it worked out right in the end. Please keep us posted and try to take extra good care of yourself.

Thanksgiving is coming and I think it will be good for you to spend extra time with your kids. We are all here for you. At any time!

Love, Hugs and Prayers ((( )))

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

KayC,

Oh KayC, you need to Cow Girl up, see an Attorney, close the joint bank accounts, change the locks on your home, & get Divorced. I sincerely hope you didnt put this man on the deed to your home. Shake the dust from your feet, as you leave this relationship.

And dear KayC, don't beat yourself up..Crap...we've all made some bad decisions in the course of living...you were only trying to love...again, & there is nothing wrong with that!

Vickie

[MartyT]

Very dear Kay ~

I can think of nothing better to say to you right now than the following, and I hope that you will take these words to heart. If any of this sounds familiar to you, it's because the words are your very own ~ the very wise words that you shared with Marsha and others in another post earlier this morning. My prayer for you is that you will apply this sound advice to yourself:

" . . . we are here for you. Voice yourself, cry, scream kick the wall (not too hard, we don't want any broken toes), whatever you feel you need to do. Don't expect too much of yourself...if you LIKE taking on big home projects, fine, if not, don't! Be KIND to yourself, understanding and full of grace as if you were a best friend you were dealing with, cuz you know what? You ARE your best friend now! So treat yourself like one, take good care of yourself, get some exercise, try to get some sleep, eat healthy, pamper yourself now and then, even if it's only time out for a bubble bath. It's easy to isolate, try to get out a bit, make a new friend, force yourself to seek a new interest like painting or dancing or a second language. Maybe sign up for yoga to help you relax. Little by little your new life will come together, but it will be painfully hard and require concerted effort on your part. The hardest part is putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going, because you don't feel like it, you feel life for you has no more meaning. But life can take on new meaning, it just won't be the same, you have to look for small joys in whatever places you can find them...The important thing is finding that niche that is right for you. For me, I am once again about to embark on reestablishing my identity and rebuilding my life, and need to find that niche all over again...you will too, but it takes time."

Kay, you are one of the most precious and valued members of our GH family, and I hope you know that we will be here to support you every step of the way, as you proceed with doing whatever you must do to free yourself from this destructive situation. You deserve so much better than this . . .

[WendyJ]

Kay I am also glad you have come to this decision. I wanted so badly to tell you to please do this but I knew you needed to come to this conclusion on your own. Please remember that your happiness and well being are worth much more than what that worm may get from you in the divorce, I hope his infidelity will work in your favor..not sure what the laws are like in your state but in some states it means alot to the outcome. I have admired you since my first posting on this site as you it was you and Karen and Derek who first supported me over a year ago when I joined, I just wish I had found this site and my family here earlier in my grief. Keep your chin up kiddo, you are a very strong and wise lady and we here are behind you every step of the way.

Love Always,

Wendy

[shhh65]

Dear Kay,

You are a brave, insightful and loving person. It makes me angry that someone could do such hurtful things to you. I'm praying that you will find the right attorney. Please take extra special care of yourself.

Hugs,

Sherry

Edited November 27, 2008 by shhh65

[dpodesta]

Kay,

You are anything but weak. You will make it through this. I will be praying for you and I oray everything works out. I had to file bankruptacy after Karen died it is a process and a half now a days. Make sure to talk to several lawers concerning this, I think I talked to 4 before deciding who to use. We will be here for you during this time of uncertainty of yours. Through all of this remember this, we all make mistakes some bigger than others but they are mistake none the less. Do not beat yourself up over this, he like you said was a con man and they get the best of a lot of smart people. Knowing when to pery on their vunurbility. Kay, you are a great person and an asset to this board. Plaese take care and keep us posted.

Love always

Derek

[leeann]

Oh (((((Kayc))))) You can count on my prayers. I know this will be a bit of a rocky piece of road on your journey, but I have no doubt you will indeed get through it.

You are right.. you are a survivor.

And like Marty posted... apply those wonderful words to yourself.

You are so very derserving of a better life and I believe you will be living it again in time.

We're here for you.

leeann

[Guest moparlicious]

Kay,

My dear and wonderful friend. You sure have been through alot and you ARE a very special and unique lady!!!!! I admire your strength, compassion and loyalty. I KNOW you deserve so much better than this and I am sad to hear you are going through this, but you have made a good choice for it is what is best for you and I truly believe you will be better off, he is not a good person, but you are. I love you lots and I am always here for you. I will be thinking of you and pray for strength for days ahead. Thank you for being You, you have been here for everyone anytime, as we will for you. Love, Kim

[karenb]

Kim is so right.....good to hear from you, Kim, and Kay....I'm always here but don't respond too often....I love you all so much for all your support. Kay, please be determined as you are. We feel so much you're on the right track....we love you.

Karen

[mlg]

Kay,

I really don't usually like to hear that people are getting divorced but from your past posts, I really don't know that you were ever "married" to this jerk. I know every story has two sides but I can't imagine a side that he would have a leg to stand on. I hope you withdraw all the money from your checking and savings accounts and open up new ones in your name only.

Find a wonderful lawyer and put the "screws" to him.

It sounds like he is to busy with himself to be harmful to you but please be careful. I wouldn't tell him anything about it until you have everything in total motion so he'll be totally blindsided.

Just know that your total family here is behind you.

Good luck.

[kath]

Dear Kay,

It is obvious from your posts that you have a tremendous capacity for love. I feel so bad for you that you were so wrongfully abused. You deserve so much better. Vulnerability is very real and that someone would take advantage of that is wrong on so many levels. We are here for you. I pray that this process will be smooth and painless and you are protected.

Love,

Kath

[kayc]

Thank you all for your responses. I kept myself extremely busy yesterday to occupy my time and not think too much. I came home exhausted and read your responses and they warmed my heart. Yes, I intend to do a "surprise attack" as it was put, that shouldn't be too hard as I don't know where he is and he hasn't been coming home. I even left him a message yesterday wishing him a Happy Birthday, but he didn't answer or call back. I am acting like everything is as usual. I got an application to apply to a modest means referral service, who knows how long this process will take, I only hope I can talk to a lawyer soon. My main questions are what to do about the bank accounts and insurance...I don't want my wages garnished before I can get bankruptcy proceedings going and I don't have money for a lawyer, no rich relatives, etc. The motorhome, cars, and truck, are in both our names, also the loans...I can't afford to pay insurance on the ones he has but the insurance bill comes through me...in the past he's always transferred money to cover his share but I can't get a response from him and he didn't deposit his last paycheck. I can only surmise he's gone off the deep end and can't count on any cooperation. I don't know what to do with the trailer he has torn apart and sitting here in my way, it's also in both our names but I'd paid it off so no one will repossess it. I have a lot of work ahead of me and it'll be difficult but somehow I've got to get through this.

I welcome any personal messages and encouragement, prayers in the upcoming months as I try to muddle through this. I feel like I've been double hit, George's death and the ending to my wonderful job were enough to deal with, but this now and my current job not paying me and how precarious that job is, how precarious our entire economy is, is all overwhelming. I'm also going to be hit with taxes because we'd figured on the loss of his business offsetting our tax bill but now that I'll have to file separate, I won't have that and will owe quite a bit. Oh well, it'll all work out eventually.

Thank you all for your support, I really do need it.

Love,

KayC

[mlg]

Your lawyer may tell you that you can still file jointly because I'm sure you'll still be together at the end of the year.

[JeanneC]

Kay

This is just the place to talk about this problem. You have always given such good advice to many people including myself. This is the best thing that you can do. You do not need to be with someone that is irresponsible and not a true husband to you. It's better to be alone and not worry yourself over this. You seem like a very intelligent and strong woman and I know you will get through this. I am behind you 100%.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[MartyT]

Kay, dear,

I agree completely with Jeanne's statement that this is, indeed, an appropriate place to talk about this problem.

Whenever there is a loss of something important in our lives, we suffer grief, and mourning is a significant part of the divorce / breaking-up process. Usually for a death there is a set ritual with a funeral or memorial service, and some understanding in our culture that mourning is important. But for the death of a love relationship, there is no prescribed ritual of mourning, and the grief is seldom acknowledged or accepted. I'm reminded of a poignant quotation I placed some time ago on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

When we’ve changed our religious views

or political convictions,

a part of our past dies.

When love ends,

be it the first mad romance of adolescence,

the love that will not sustain a marriage,

or the love of a failed friendship,

it is the same.

A death.

Likewise in the event of a miscarriage

or an abortion:

a possibility is dead.

And there is no public or even private funeral.

Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage.

And the last rites are held

in the solitude of one’s most secret self —

a service of mourning

in the tabernacle of the soul.

— Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives, 1995, p. 232

When a relationship dies, oftentimes there is an injury to one's own ego, a sense of failure and a diminished sense of self-worth. There are nagging questions about what went wrong, and many fears about the future.

As you yourself have indicated, Kay, in order to get yourself into a position to enjoy life again, it's important to learn whatever lessons this experience has to teach you, to get to know yourself better and to develop new parts of yourself that you did not know were there before.

When you have time to do so, I hope you will visit the Death of a Relationship page of my Grief Healing Web site. There you will find links to many articles and books that may be relevant to what you are experiencing.

In the meantime, know that we're all with you as you continue to work your way through the challenges that lie ahead.

[Dusky]

KayC,

This is the perfect place to come - and to talk about the end of a relationship. I wish I had some magic words that would make it all better, however, I do know that you're being on this site and talking about it is the perfect start to find more peace about it all.

The bottom line is that you are a wonderful person - which we can all attest to. We care for you deeply. We will help you through this loss.

With much love and respect for the fine person that you are.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[KathyG]

Kay,

Your current husband must be a complete idiot, because he obviously doesn't appreciate the wise, wonderful, caring woman he married. As painful or difficult as divorcing this leech might turn out to be, do whatever you have to do, and do it now. Don't subject yourself to a second more of mistreatment than you have to. You deserve so much better.

Don't do what I did: I stayed in my first marriage and tolerated my first husband's abuse far longer than I should have. And by the time I finally got my freedom, my spirit was half broken and I had no self-esteem. You are stronger and smarter than this guy is, and once this is behind you, you'll thrive.

You are doing the right thing. Someday, this bad guy's karma will catch up to him.

[kayc]

It's like the further I go the worse things get...I was trying to get him off my homeowner's insurance and they said I needed a copy of the trust deed so I went to the county and got a copy and they have him listed on it! When I asked how they got his name on it since I'm the sole owner (besides the lienholder, the bank), they said it came from the bank, but my copy that I signed doesn't have it. I went to the bank and the loan officer's copy doesn't have it. I had to threaten to sue them to get them to start investigating how/who/why it changed and where, and then I have to start the unfun process of trying to get it fixed. The bank said they couldn't do anything and records said they can't do anything, well SOMEONE is going to do something or get sued! I didn't need this headache on top of everything else. Plus I was burglarized and discovered it a week ago so I need to get the police report filed today, somehow it took a back seat to my dog dying and my husband ditching me. I'm going to file a missing person's report today even though I know he's alive because his boss talked to him, everyone tells me I need to. They may not do anything but I have to cover my bases. This guy has really wreaked havoc in my life! Yet even so, I am hit with crying spells and memories of when things were good between us and I'm so confused and hurting, I just don't see how he could do this to me after all I've done for him...we were a family, him and me and our pets, yet this whole year he's changed and gone off the deep end, I can't help but feel he's fallen into drugs...his boss says he fell in with the wrong crowd, yeah, I noticed that, but couldn't seem to sway him. He's out of work and not paying his bills and hiding out. I'm going to call around today and try to find a lawyer and get an appointment. So today will be a busy day, I had planned the day off to bake but instead I have to deal with this stuff, it kind of makes me mad, I mean he's having a gay old time while my life is ruined! But it's temporary, both situations will turn tables. I think he may be with the girl he hooked up with months ago, maybe they never did separate, maybe he just let me think so...or maybe they reconnected, who knows, I don't even care any more, I mean it hurts, but it'll only hurt so long...I will be okay, but he won't have peace in his life and if, like you say, there's such a thing as Karma, I'd hate to have his future.

By the way, no one need read this if they don't want to, I'm just airing my feelings and so many of you are friends, it lets you know what's going on in my life without me separately emailing each of you.

It was interesting though, my daughter told me almost verbatum the same thing I got from my Bible Study Monday night, she said "Take from your life experiences what you have learned and use it to make yourself a better life." The focus is on learning and moving forward rather than kicking yourself or getting stuck in looking back, which does no good. It's easy to beat myself up, I've had several people call me stupid, but that does no good and I've had to chide people for coming down on me and tell them that's not what I need, I need encouragement and advice, not beat up more. I already know I've been stupid. But they have to realize too, that it wasn't only being vulnerable, but he wasn't like this when I met him, he was supportive and sweet...obviously, if he'd been like this I wouldn't have gotten togethr with him, I'm not THAT stupid! But had I not been vulnerable we probably never would have hooked up because he isn't my type...so that's a life experience I can take with me...he's a biker, not a church goer, he's a city boy, not a country boy, we have different moral base and beliefs, although that part he concealed from me, but if I had to do it again I'd get more input from others, counsel, etc...and maybe even have him move here first for an extended period of time before marrying, to be sure I really knew him. And beware anyone who doesn't want you to know their family, who doesn't want to live in the same town, who is full of talk that never quite comes to pass!

Anyway, it is going to be a full day...thanks all for listening.

Edited November 26, 2008 by kayc

[leeann]

(((((((((((((((((Kayc)))))))))))))

Sending you huge hugs and please know I'm keeping you very close in thought and heart as you go through all of this.

You are doing the right things and I'm sure it *will* all work out. In the meantime....

My hope for you is that you are given the graces you need to endure this.

leeann