How Hard Can Decorating A Christmas Tree Be, Anyway?

[MikeC]

Pretty damn difficult, when each ornament reminds you of a loved one that was taken from you a short time ago. The handmade ornaments that the kids gave to their mom are especially tough – Janet cherished them more than any of the others, and each one reminds me that the boys miss her, too. It is said that the anticipation of a dreaded event is often worse than the event itself. Well, I knew this was going to be hard to do, but my expectations fell far short this time.

You see, Janet was Christmas at our house. When I was a young kid my parents became Jehovah's Witnesses, a religious group that doesn't celebrate Christmas, so I didn't bring any real Christmas traditions to our marriage. Janet, on the other hand, did. Christmas was her favorite time of year. She loved giving gifts more than receiving them. She was in Christmas shopping mode all year long, and consequently had her shopping done months in advance. She decorated the house, inside and out, and sent tons of Christmas cards. We always did the tree together, and until last year always had a real tree. Last Christmas we bought a 7 foot grapevine tree, instead – it was the most beautiful tree we ever had. It is the one I am trying to decorate today. I had to get away from it for awhile, so I thought I would come here and cry about it to you folks.

So what was once the most joyous season of the year for this family has become one of pain and sorrow. I want to keep at least some of our traditions in Janet's memory. One of these is Christmas Eve dinner with our best friends. Every year our family would sit down with theirs for a feast followed by an exchange of gifts. I looked forward to this as much as Christmas Day at our house – not this year, though, and maybe never again. I am absolutely uninspired to shop for gifts for them. I am expecting this dinner to be the biggest challenge of this season, much worse than decorating a tree.

Merry Christmas.

[LarrysGirl]

Mike, I haven't been able to put up, much less decorate, a tree since Larry died. This Christmas will be my third. Similiarly to you and Janet, Larry was raised with artificial trees and had never been around a fresh tree. I had only had fresh trees and it was so fun to let him have that experience. He began to love to go pick out a tree, we enjoyed every part of the holiday together. There are so many memories attached to the scent, each decoration, the stockings, as much as I miss them, I haven't been able to do it. I commend you for getting up your tree and having a plan for Christmas. Janet is with you and I know she would be proud of you. Deborah

[JeanneC]

Mike:

It is nice that you could put decorations up. I guess it is especially nice since you have kids. Alex always liked Christmas, especially for the decorations. He would complain when he had to put the lights on the house and on the tree, but he enjoyed it after it was done.

I am not putting any decorations on this year. Maybe if I had children it would be different. I am also going to Florida the week of Christmas. All I know is that I can't wait till the holidays are over.

My friends understand that the first year is hard to decorate, but they told me that I should start to put decorations up after that.

I hope you enjoy the holiday season, even though it is hard. At least for the kids.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Gail_R]

Mike this is my second year without Bruce for christmas..last year it was just days before christmas that I but the tree up and only because my youngest son asked me why was the tree not going up..he said to me ..mom dad would want you to have christmas you know how much he loved to have all the family here..so ok the tree went up but I only had my kids christmas morning we went to my sisters for christmas dinner because I just could not do it ...but this year is a little different as 2 of my kids had babies this year so the tree is up and the house is decorated for my 2 baby grandsons and I know that their grandpa is looking down and saying thats my girl you can do this for our grandsons and our kids...I'm not saying that it is easier but i know that this year we can do christmas and Bruce will be with us..Gail

[dpodesta]

Mike,

I understand what you are going through all too well. Karen was the decorator, she wads the one to get me off my butt to get the Christmas tree out and help decorate. This will be my third Christmas as well. THe first couple of years, it it weren't for my 9 year old I would not have decorated. I will say this year has been easier, I got the lights up on the house last week and am planning to get the tree up this week. I feel better about this season for the first time in a long time. Anyway, I hope it gets easier and like you said the actual event in my experience is not as bad as the anticipation of it.

Love always

Derek

[mlg]

At least you put the tree up. We've had an artificial tree since the third year. The first year he about cut his hand off trying to cut a knot down so it would fit in the stand and ended up in ER. The second year when I was vacuuming up the needles after one went through the bag and into the motor of my sweeper and burned it up so he said no more.

Tom always hated Christmas but I loved it until this year. I just can't stand to look at the ornaments because they are the story of our life and I just can't do it. My one daughter said I had to put up the tree and I told her I didn't have to do anything and it's not going up unless there is some miraculous change. Besides it was Tom's job to put the angel on the top because I couldn't reach.

So I guess we're all telling you that your feelings are very normal. I hope you Christmas Eve supper goes well and you can share some memories.

Here's a Christmas ((((HUG)))

[kath]

Dear Mike,

I'm starting to think we walk a very fine line between joy and sorrow. It's always there, even without the holiday traditions to remind us. I'm the one who took care of the decorating while Bob handled the shopping. We would joke that he would take a nap and when he woke up, it looked like Christmas "threw up" in our home. The tree is really tough. We had bought an ornament together since our first year of dating. It was usually something significant to an event or feeling of that year. I have nearly thirty years of our life dangling before my eyes. I loved those years and this year the memories do hold some gentle reminders of the joy we had. While I can't decorate (or bake) like I used to, I try to keep the magic alive for the kids. I want them to know their dad and how funny he was at this time of year. I'm most afraid they won't remember him at all, and what they do recall is the down days of his illness. So, I let them decorate the tree, and with each ornament I tell them our story. I can't bear the thought of it being forgotten. They don't get too worried anymore to see me cry. I guess they figure it just comes with the story.

Shopping, on the other hand is nearly impossible for me. I can't even walk through a men's department without wanting to break down. Even my son sees things in the store he would have liked to buy for his dad. Luckily, this year my families are getting together without the excess gifts. (One perk of a down economy.)

We started something new last year I hope to continue. While I still hang Bob's stocking, we write notes, letters or poems when we think of him and put them in it. Then, Christmas day we'll have a bonfire and burn them so the smoke will carry our thoughts to him. He loved a bonfire and this way we feel connected and that he is the best part of our day. I wish you strength to share Janet's story with your boys this season and maybe you can start some new traditions that help ease some of the pain you are feeling.

Kath

[mlg]

Kath,

How strange that you mention the men's department. I get almost physically sick and the eyes fill with tears. Tom was a tall man so I still keep getting tall man catalogs and can't wait to get them to the trash can. My poor sons-in-las and grandsons are going to come up a little short but I just can't do it. I know I could have my daughters do it but if I'm going to give them something I'd rather pick it out myself.

I only hope next year will be back to a little more "normal". Maybe I'll never like Christmas again, who knows.

[kath]

Mary Linda,

I had to chuckle at the thought of you visiting the emergency room because of the "knot" accident. (Sorry - I'm sure it wasn't funny, but it seemed we would have to take Bob to ER once every holiday for some reason or another.) We'd do a little celebration if we made it through a major weekend without a Dr's. visit!

Bob also like to pretend he was all "Bah Humbug" at this time of year, yet he'd be up at 4 a.m. for the after Thanksgiving sales. And once, when I was laid up because of back trouble, he came running in the door all cute and proud. He had the tree, ornaments, lights for the windows...the whole works.

This is my second Christmas without him here. Although I get sad from missing him, he filled my life with love and humor and those are the things I hold in my heart. I have a deep appreciation for the time we had together. This is a huge step from where I was last year.

[MikeC]

Thank you all for your comforting comments. It took three shifts and a lot of tears to get the tree decorated, but I am really glad I did it - it is beautiful! Next hurdle: shopping (that has always been a major task for me).

MIke

[LarrysGirl]

Good job Mike!!! I bet the tree is beautiful! Good luck on the shopping, try not to exhaust yourself. Deborah

[MartyT]

Good for you, Mike! We're all very proud of you

[AnnieO]

Mike

Xmas was such a huge deal for my mom. She loved every minute of it. Some of my happiest memories are of shopping with my mom, which makes it very hard to walk into a mall now. I discovered online shopping! Its easy and you can find almost anything. You might give it a try!

[leeann]

Oh Annie there you go again.. I swear we are twins somehow... lol

Yes memories of shopping with Mom were almost overwhelming me this year too. We both loved to do it together. It was a yearly "thing".. ya know. So I was just dreading it this year.

BUT... I too discovered online shopping this year and it has made things very much easier. (And in some cases, more economical too!)

So I would urge anyone out there struggling particularly with shopping to try this online shopping thing. It almost makes shopping tolerable.

The rest of it.. well.. I would just do what feels right to you. If skipping certain things makes it easier... then by all means.. skip it. If doing something completely differently helps you.. then do that.

IMHO whatever works for you... is the thing to do or not do, depending..

And it does help to know.. for me anyway.. that I have a great deal of company in my struggling at this holiday time. I wish I didn't have all of this company.. but I am grateful for all of you. Thanks to one and all for helping me.

leeann

[kayc]

Shopping on line is a great idea...I'm having my son cut the tree and him and my (soon to be son-in-law) put up the tree and lights and my daughter will help decorate the tree while I fix everyone brunch. My "celebration" will be with the Christmas Program (I'm involved in the music) and in spending time with my family and friends...beyond that, I'm not much into the commercialism and stress of it. I liked the idea of donating to a cause in our loved one's honor, but this year I'm too broke, but maybe next year!

[Rosemary T]

Mike,

Everytime I read a post from you I am amazed at your strength! You are doing Janet such an honor in the way you keep her memory alive by cherishing the things she loved.

Lou did not really love Christmas (his mother died on Christmas Day when he was very young) but was such a good sport about helping me decorate the house and put up the tree and lights.

I will not only NOT decorate this year, but I won't even celebrate at all. I will sit at home and watch some TV, read, iron, work on the computer, whatever.....

I don't have any children to have to appease so I can get away with it I guess.

Now reading Mike's post....I feel guilty and selfish. I seem to have "shut out" the few people who do care about me. Thank goodness there aren't too many!

[shhh65]

Rosemary,

You have something wrong in your post:

"I seem to have "shut out" the few people who do care about me. Thank goodness there aren't too many!"

Everyone here cares about you. Whatever you decide to do on Christmas will be the right thing for you but I'm hoping you will "let in" those around you.

(((Rosemary)))

[MikeC]

Rosemary,

Sherry is right: there are more people who care about you than you think. Here is a hug from me, too...

((((((((((Rosemary))))))))))

[MississippiGirl]

a little advice??

i lost my dad in april this year..... and it seems like me and my mom are avoiding...putting up the tree.....i really want to ...but i know its gonna be emotional.....

a few years ago....our "fake tree" had gotten too old so we threw it away....and because we didnt have much money....my mom bought a little 3ft..tree that was prelite...with ornaments already on it! well...last year.... i had a job.....had my own money so i decided to go and buy a 6ft tree.... so we could have the "tradition" again......even though the day we put up the tree last year...my dad felt so ill he didnt want to get up long enough to put the angel on top like he always did......i think in a way...that was his way of telling me.....it was my job now!?

but....i dont know how to make this easier for my mom?? should i do it one day while she's at work?? and suprise her.....or should i do it with her???? i know we both feel totally different then again the exact same grief.....she lost the love of her life....i lost the most important man in my life..(my daddy) I'm always torn when it comes to this...i dont know the right thing to say to her! when i brought up putting the tree up....we were both going into work....and she started crying and told me it wasnt the time or place to talk about it....i felt really bad....and also started crying.... i know my dad would want us to put the tree up....and celebrate christmas just like he was here!!! i can hear him now..."Don't sit around and cry" he was so strong!!!

[Rosemary T]

Gosh Mississippi,

I don't really know what to say except I can see your dilemma. I am trying to think if I were your Mom how I would feel and this is basically it:

If I came home and the tree was up, I would not be upset. I would want you (my daughter) to do what made you feel better and I would so appreciate the fact that you could do this without demanding that I get involved. Who knows....I might even find myself "enjoying" the tree a little bit one evening while I read, meditate, or just watch some TV.

You are right, both of you feel the grief differently and will want to deal with it differently. I know that I do best when others allow me to deal or not deal whatever I feel like at the time. I hope you have someone (a third party) who is not caught up in this that you can really talk to so that during the times your mother does not want to "deal" you still have a place to go. Eventually, (if not already) the two of you will be each other's biggest support.

I wish you the best and would love to hear back from you after the Holidays about how the two of you worked around this very tough time.

Take care,

Rosemary

Sherry and Mike,

Thanks so much for your very kind response. This feeling of not being very close to many people is unfortunately nothing new. As the child of an alcoholic, I learned early on to keep my distance.

I get close to very few people by choice so I really don't expect to have too many close relationships. This forum allows me to build some close relationships (at least some cyber ones!) in connection with my grief which is exactly what I need.

I give my ALL to those few people that I do allow in which is what helped make my marriage so successful (along with the fact that I had the best husband any woman could ever asked for). I don't think I would have the energy to give this 200% if I allowed too many people in close!

In any case, thanks you two (and those who responded privately as well!); you all are a great support.

Take care,

Rosemary