Guilt

[melina]

I've noticed here, with some envy, that so many people seem to have had perfect relationships with their spouses, so that when they died, they can be missed, but without guilt. I loved my husband deeply - we were together for nearly 30 years. But our relationship wasn't always a bed of roses. We've had some pretty rough roller coaster rides, but managed to get through them and stick together.

The last few years before he received that dreaded cancer diagnosis, however, things were better than ever. We had taken a few trips together alone and generally enjoyed one another's company. My favorite memories are when he would stand making dinner (he was always the better cook), and I would sit sipping wine and we would talk about all kinds of things. Then we'd hug.

But after his diagnosis, things became stressful. I nursed him through the radiation which was painful, he could barely eat. I drove him back and forth to the hospital when his lungs filled with fluid and had to be drained, and then finally we were told the scans looked good and he was in remission. He didn't seem very healthy, but we thought it was just a matter of time - he needed to build up his health. Because he felt sick, probably (he was not a complainer generally), he grew short-tempered, wasn't able to do much, and I felt frustrated with him and with us in general. Our last time together as a family was at our oldest son's wedding in Maine. A long flight and hard on my husband. He complained a lot about shortness of breath, and I was worried, but also concerned about the wedding going smoothly and for us all to be there.

Now, looking back, I understand he was not in remission at all - but that there was a second cancer, more aggressive than the first, that was slowly killing him.

I have enormous guilt that I was not more patient, more caring. When he went to the hospital with pneumonia (he had this regularly so we sort of knew what to expect), it was with the expectation that he would get his intravenous antibiotics and come home again.

Only he never did come home. The last thing he heard was me and the kids telling him we loved him. He said he was scared and I told him not to worry, that I was there for him. And then he died.

Why am I writing this? Tears are streaming down my face as I write. Why wasn't I more attentive to his needs?. Why did I not make the most of our relationship and appreciate it more while he was alive - and even alive and healthy? I feel like the guilt is holding me captive. My grief is not just sadness at losing him but also at failing him.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Dear Melina, you did not fail your husband. We all have those feelings of guilt, of things said, done, not said, left undone. Who can see into the future. I would imagine not very many actually have or had a "perfect" marriage, we are all human, and as such our lives are not perfect. I do understand the type of feelings of guilt you are having. I felt, and still do feel, a lot of guilt that my husband died alone at home of a massive coronary while I was hours away in a hospital, having had total knee replacement. Could I have changed anything had I been there....no, but at least he would not have been alone. I think we all feel guilt just for still being alive, when the one we cared about most in the world is not. I think they call it survivor's guilt. Just try to dwell on the good memories, and not on the times that you think you failed him. If you have not already considered it, you might think about talking to a grief counselor. I pray for peace and comfort for you, and for us all in this club we did not want to join.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[nats]

Melina,

Why am I writing this? Because it comforts you to let it out GOOD

Tears are streaming down my face as I write. Why wasn't I more attentive to his needs?.I had the same feelings we did all we could, what happened was meant to be.

Why did I not make the most of our relationship and appreciate it more while he was alive - and even alive and healthy? Don't focus on the past and beat yourself up, we can't go back we must focus on the positive things of our lives together....and move forward.

I feel like the guilt is holding me captive. My grief is not just sadness at losing him but also at failing him. I know you did not fail him, you have to let go of that feeling we as humans can only do what God gives us the ability to do, the doctors and God must do the rest...and you did the best thing for him....you loved him until the end....

May God Bless

NATS

[kayc]

Melina,

Your story could have been written by any of us. I chewed George out for not putting things away and not helping as much in his last year. did I feel bad later? Yes, but there's no way I could have known that he had five blocked arteries and his heart was ready to totally give out. He did a good job of keeping going and not letting on just how poorly he felt. My dad also died of heart trouble and my mom said it made him cranky (it's hard for me to picture my dad cranky), so sometimes it's just the illness talking.

The truth is, life isn't a bed of roses for any of our relationships. My relationship with George was excellent, but if you read all of my posts, you'll find where I talk about the imperfections.

None of us should come down on ourselves for not being perfect or having perfect responses all of the time. The truth is, if the shoe was on the other foot, they probably wouldn't have been any more perfect at handling it than we have...and I'm quite sure they understand and love and accept us as we are anyway.

Remember, one of the number one rules when you're grieving, "Be kind to yourself". Treat yourself as a friend. Be understanding of yourself. Remember, you are going through one heck of a lot. We ARE our own best friend! Be forgiving of yourself. Treat yourself as your spouse would have and would have wanted you to. (((hugs)))

[Daughter2010]

Melina,

I agree with KayC. Unfortunately we cannot anticipate what is going to happen. We just need to cherish the relationship, the good and positive will always stay with us. We are not perfect, we can only do the best we can according to our ability. I tell my mom this quite often. I am sure or loved ones are saying...don't beat yourself over this.

Be kind to yourself. We are here for you.

Big hug for you.

-L

[Dusky]

Melina,

It's been some time since I've contributed on this site - but I read each and every post that comes to me through my e-mails. I relate to most of what is written by each of you, however, Melina's recent post was especially poignant. I remember these feelings of guilt - of remembering how I was not as kind as I could have been during my partners long illness when I was his primary care giver. Melina - please remember that you did the best you could under the circumstances you were given. We are after all - only human. It took me years to work my way through all the pieces of losing my Jack - including that guilt piece. Self forgiveness is much harder than forgiving someone else. Please take a moment and go to my web site listed below - and if you wish to - read my book - the link to that is also below. I truly believe it will help you. I wrote it after Jack died to help myself recover from losing him - and to help others who have to pass through this terrible type of loss. I think there are portions of this book which will help you.

I wish you the best - my dear friend.

[Billw]

Melina,

I'm sure we would all change some things if we could go back. Our relationship was not perfect but it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. We learned so much from each other through the years and these things contribute to who I am today. My wife used to tell me to put the bat back in the closet ( in other words, stop beating yourself up). I have always been harder on myself than anyone around me could be. I know today that I did everything I could to take care of her while she was sick and she told me daily up til the end "thank you honey for taking care of me, I couldn't go through this without you". I know damn well she would have done the same for me. You failed nothing, we don't get the choice of who stays and who goes, all we have the power over is being kind to one another and doing the best we can on a daily basis. Thanks for contributing to this site, you have given me a lot to think about lately. Take care....BW

[Cheryl]

Dear Melina,

You didn't know. It's normal to look back and try to figure out what you could have changed. You did the best you could with what you had been told. You were there for him when he needed you the most. You were able to tell him that you loved him. You did not fail him. I think we would all go back and change something that we could have done diffrently. But that isn't an option. Please be gentle on yourself. Try to picture your husband in your mind. Would he be pointing his finger at you, blaming you and saying you were not good enough? He would be thanking you. Thanking you for always being there for him. Even when it ws ugly and stressful. He loves you and misses you too.

[faith]

Hi everyone im new. I lost stevie june 18, 2010, a couple months ago. I too feel the guilt. Stevie was diagnosed with liver cancer in 2005 actually got a liver transplant in 2006. The cancer came back a year and a half ago, it was liver cancer that came back in his lung not his new liver. So as u can imagine it was a roller coaster ride. He fought so hard to live and was such a strong person. Everything is still raw right now with me. I lost my whole family 2 brothers and my mom and dad before i even met stevie 14 years ago so he was really my whole world. We have no children and i have no family but i am blessed with some really good friends that have been very supportive as right now my body is really broke down (sciatica back problems etc) i didnt take care of myself as i should have the past 5 years i have focused all energy on him. Anyway the guilt thing man i know how that feels. I keep going over every thing i did or said wrong or wondered if i should have done this or that different etc. Its such a long story. I was his only caretaker and also held down a full time job. i feel very traumatized right now and this stressful situation had been going on for so long. I remember the wrong things i said or did but i must try to remember that i did everything that i was capable of doing for him at the time. I think we must remember if it was the other way around if we were the ones they were taking care of would we want them to keep suffering and going over and over in their minds the times that they thought or knew they had lost their temper or said the wrong thing or could have changed the outcome someway? No i wouldnt wish that for him i would want him to forgive himself and realize that he did the best he could under the circumstances and to let it go and forgive himself for whatever injustice he thought he did in his mind. Im glad i found this site. I know i really need the support and understanding right now.

Thanks,

Faith

[melina]

Thanks for all the replies. I still feel this crippling guilt. I must have been massively in denial of his dying. I genuinely thought the pneumonia would eventually ease up and that he would come home. Had I only known he was going to die, I would have crawled up into the hospital bed with him, sat with him day and night.

The pain of missing him is bad enough - but the guilt is really killing me. I can't sleep or eat thinking about it.

Melina

[faith]

Melina, when i think back on those last days well the last few weeks of his life i feel the guilt also. U know we had to be under tremendous stress and had been up and down and a roller coaster life and death all the time and it was like that with me for years. He died june 18th he was still driving around June 1st or so barely making it to the store barely dragging around if somebody saw him or called he would always say im doing good im doing fine people had no idea how bad off he was and i got tired of trying to make his sisters see they lived in another state and only came and seen him maybe 3 times during that terminal diagnosis for a year and a half. I wrote and begged and tried to make them see they needed to come see him or call him more but anyway getting back to the guilt. I realize now what was going on but at the time i had no idea. He was withdrawing from me and the dogs. He stopped talking to me and hung his head and wouldnt pet the dogs and i didnt understand what he was doing i kept trying to talk to him and he wouldnt answer etc so what do i do i said why do u keep hanging that head!!! whats srong with u!! and he looked at me with such pain in his eyes i could have crawled under a rock. melina there is no way we could have known i think we (caretaker/spouse) had been so traumatized and like immune to thinking "this is it" for that long that i know i didnt see it when it was right in my face that he was dying i didnt see the stages or anything. he endedup going hallucinating (potassium went sky high) i called an ambulance he straightened up enough to send them away so i slept with one eye open for 2 days till i talked him into going got his sisters to finally come up here and help me take him tot he er. anyway while he was in there my body broke down i couldnt walk in that hospital my back/arthritis/ and just the plain stress. we had not had hospice before or anything so i arranged for a hospital bed at home and hospice care etc but what im getting to is that while his sisters were up here and his friend flew in from tx i didnt spend the time at the hospital with him like i should have. I let other people be with him and they told me he was like looking for me and would light up when i called etc. that breaks my heart!! hospice and pallative care was coming in teling him things like giving him time frame 2 months etc while i wasnt there. I should have been there with him and it kills me now that i wasnt. I was home getting everything ready for him to come home and also i just thought i would get a small break and let the others be with him more at the hospital. If i had known he would only live 4 days after he got home i would have been at that hospital 24/7 and been right there with him too. But how would we have known? Been thru so much been told he had 6 months to live 4 times i guess i never did really accept he was going to die. When hospice came here it was the hardest thing i had ever done to turn around after i had been trying to keep him alive for 5 years to be told dont try to get him to eat dont worry about measuring his sugar al that i dont think i ever accepted he was going to die until he did and i think he kept fighting too till the end. if i ahd been at that hospital maye we would have sat down with hospice together and had accepted it and talked about it together i dont know. Maybe i realy screwed that up i dont know. U know most likely we would have not listened to them and tried to keep fighting thats the way we did it all those years and believe me if we had give up all the times they told us he would have died 5 years earlier. So i just dont know. sure i made mistakes but one thing i do know is i loved him with all my heart and soul i was not perfect far from it but i really really did my best to prop him up encourage him and thats the way we did it. that was us. all the maybes in the world isnt going to change it now. I really feel traumatized. I know my mind had to be messed up at times but isnt everybodys when they go thru something this awful? I know one thing though i did grow close to God and so did Stevie and im so grateful for that. And during all this time i hae seen God move more than i have ever in my life. I have been blessed with so many acts of kindness from people during this time. I truely believe that God sends the people u need when u need them. I lost a few friends along the way and i was blessed with new friendships along the way. I dont know i think its goin to take a long time to adjust to life without him here. Just one day at a time and i pray to just let go of all those what ifs and maybes its not going to change or help anythig to dwell on it. I think it would have all turned out the same anyway i think he died the day he was suposed to no matter what i would have done i truely believe that. One thing that stands out in my mind is everybody was kind of hanging in the lviing room and him propped up on the couch (he wanted on that couch every day when he got home he would not stay in the hospital bed) but i was letting his sisers and some ofhis friends kind of hang wih him while i was outside wel i came in and nobody was on the couch and i came over and kissed him and told him i loved him he grabbed a hold of me and hugged on me for dear life for 20 minutes evrybody ran out of the room he was breathing u know the rattle but i ll never forget that i treasure that moment i think that was his way of telling me how much he loved me he wasnt a real affectionite person u know all the time so i guess thats what makes that stand out to me but i know it was something very significant i never felt more loved in my life. I know it sounds tragic and sad but it was the most beautiful moment of my life. Well sorry im just rambling its only been a couple of months , im lonely im in pain and i just need to let this out. thanks for being there and listening.

Faith

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

This feeling of guilt in the aftermath of significant loss is so common as to be universal. Much has been written about why we experience it and what we can do to cope with it. (See, for example, Why Do I Feel So Guilty? )

Some authors make the distinction between guilt and regret, noting that guilt is the feeling we have when our conscience is violated, while regret is the feeling of sadness that results when things don't turn out the way we had hoped. Guilt implies that we are at fault for something we've done or failed to do; regret is a reflection of our humanness.

As imperfect human beings, we are limited in our capacities ~ after all, there is only so much anyone can do in the face of insurmountable odds. We cannot be held accountable for circumstances beyond our control or for consequences we cannot foresee. At some point we must forgive ourselves for our human imperfections.

In his beautiful book, A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, author Jerry Sittser observes that, if we give in to those feelings of guilt and regret, we are in danger of bringing upon ourselves a different kind of death:

Many people are destroyed by loss because, learning what they could have been but failed to be, they choose to wallow in guilt and regret, to become bitter in spirit, or to fall into despair. While nothing they can do will reverse the loss, it is not true that there is nothing they can do to change. The difference between despair and hope, bitterness and forgiveness, hatred and love, and stagnation and vitality lies in the decisions we make about what to do in the face of regrets over an unchangeable and painful past. We cannot change the situation, but we can allow the situation to change us. We exacerbate our suffering needlessly when we allow one loss to lead to another. That causes gradual destruction of the soul. This destruction of the soul represents the tragedy of what I call the "second death," and it can be a worse tragedy than the first. The death that comes through loss of spouse, children, parents, health, job, marriage, childhood, or any other kind is not the worst kind of death there is. Worse still is the death of the spirit, the death that comes through guilt, regret, bitterness, hatred, immorality, and despair. The first kind of death happens to us; the second kind of death happens in us. It is a death we bring upon ourselves if we refuse to be transformed by the first death [pp. 99-100].

See also Irene Kendig's helpful article on the Open to Hope Web site, How to Release Regret .

[Korina]

Thank you, Marty, for a very helpful post.

Melina, I think just about all of us experience guilt for one reason or another. I sure do. I continue to reproach myself for not being strong enough to get Scott into treatment earlier, or at least drawing a line in the sand earlier. I feel I was too afraid of losing him as a husband, when I should have been more concerned about saving his life.

And then I wonder why I didn't ask this question or that question of the doctors, etc etc.

Sigh.

But I try not to dwell on these thoughts, which has become easier with the passing of time. My attitude now is that while I won't let feelings of guilt consume me, I do acknowledge them, and then get on with my day.

Korina

[mfh]

Dear Melina (and all),

I agree that what you wrote could have been written by any of us. As close as Bill and I were...and we were indeed tight....we also had our bumps in the road...as any couple does. The guilt I deal/dealt with was/is related to the awareness that after the fact I could see that my impatience and sometimes anger during Bill's last several months was my denial, fear and trauma. I NOW know I was traumatized watching the pain he was in and the pain I felt as he deteriorated and by my fatigue. I knew I could have given myself a Dx of PTSD and still feel traumatized to some degree. I was in denial of his approaching death even though I KNEW he was dying. Exhaustion and trauma and stress changed who I was and I wrestled big time with guilt and regret and shame. Even though we had a conversation about what was happening, and I apologized for "not being a perfect caregiver" and sobbed in his arms, and he apologized (??? as only he would) I still had to forgive myself for falling short of an impossible goal. I wanted to be the perfect spouse/soulmate who was always warm and compassionate and loving and tender and... and... and...but there were days, too many of them, when I felt cold and impatient....probably not as bad as I think because any impatience or coldness was indeed foreign in our relationship so it feels like I was a raving cold maniac when I KNOW somehow I was not. I have regrets but I am getting better at acknowledging that I did nothing intentional to make things worse and therefore I am not guilty of anything. I tried my best. It was a case of neurotic guilt for me for a long while...i.e. a way of beating myself up, punishing myself, for not being perfect. I still wrestle with it but not as much as I did the first year. I sob sometimes when I think of the last six months because I was barely present...many times....and I am shocked about that because we were so present to each other for so many years....I now see that I was not even me...I do not know that person who dissociated on and off due to trauma at many instances.

No marriage is perfect just as none of us are perfect. I do regret that it was not an easier road but slowly am letting go of that guilt and regret though when I am more tired than usual...it creeps in and I write Bill a letter apologizing as I also know it is just a non-issue for him. He was the most forgiving man I ever knew and never held a grudge. If anything he would feel badly that I was so stressed and tired.

We are so hard on ourselves because we love so deeply and wanted our loved one to have the best of everything..especially the best of us. But it was the worst of circumstances and we did our best. I can see the clouds of guilt and regret lift very slowly and breathe easier even though the pain of losing him pretty much remains deep and gigantic.

You are NOT alone Melina....I am so grateful you wrote what you wrote as it triggered an opportunity for so many of us to share such similar pains. Marty, thanks for the links...I will read them and as usual you are right on top of things. We are ALL good people who are in the worst pain of our lives and we all need to be gentle with ourselves....I am saying that to me as much as I am to everyone Peace, Mary mfh.

[MartyT]

Mary, dear, as I read your post the thought occurs to me: You feel guilty for not being the perfect caregiver, not being as present to Bill in the last six months of his life as you had been present to him earlier in your marriage ~ but neither was Bill the same in his relationship with you! As his condition worsened, was he the perfect patient? Was he present to YOU the way he had been most of your married life? Yes, you may not have been at your best with him at the end, but neither was he at his best with you! This awful illness changed him, it changed you, and it changed how you functioned as a couple. A relationship goes both ways, Mary, and usually in a successful marriage we get back as much as we invest or we don't stay together. As this illness progressed, the balance in your relationship was affected, and over time you were forced to put in far, far more than you received. This was not a professional relationship; you were not Bill's physician, his nurse or his therapist. You were his wife, and as his loyal and devoted primary caregiver, you did the best you could under very difficult and continually deteriorating circumstances, all the while getting less and less in return for your efforts. You were fighting a losing battle. I suspect that you are beating yourself up for how you felt and the thoughts you must have had in those last few months of care giving, more than how you behaved toward your husband ~ and on those few occasions when you may have lost your composure or didn't live up to your own (impossibly high) standards you set for yourself, I hope one day you'll be able to look back on those times and forgive yourself for being human. You said it well: We are so hard on ourselves because we love so deeply and wanted our loved one to have the best of everything..especially the best of us. But it was the worst of circumstances and we did our best.

[mfh]

Hi Marty

You are indeed right. Bill changed and though he was sweet and kind to the end as he was in all of life, he was unable to respond to me as he once had. The last two weeks except for about 4-5 exceptions he did not respond at all. He just could not be there as he had all our lives. He even apologized to the nurse once when his flailing (a symptom of his dementia) almost hit her in the arm. That was about two weeks before he died...maybe 4. I was, as you said, not getting much from him because it was impossible for him. Now I have to integrate the reality that he was not getting much from me either because it was impossible for me. It was difficult on his part because he would not remember to stay in a chair (i.e. not wander) so I could get something done. I would be trying to pay bills or create an ad and ask him to just stay in his chair and of course he did not remember and would wander and then fall. When I had help it was to see clients until I finally abandoned that or get groceries or run errands. It was impossible for him AND for me...an impossible situation. There were days when I wished it would all end. But in reality it IS my behavior that I feel badly about. I was just not present. I was withdrawn many times and impatient and short and angry sometimes. I somehow do not feel badly that I wished it would all end as he was struggling so and I was also. Now I would do anything to have 5 minutes with him in any condition, of course. I was just not myself and he was not himself.

I did not expect much of anything from him the last several months. I hoped he would be able to remember to not walk around without the walker because he kept falling but he could not do that, and I knew it but it still made life harder. You are right...it was no longer a 50-50 relationship. It was more like mother and toddler....and we had leaned on each other for years. He was always there for me and for the last 4 years at least he slowly lost his ability to do that. I could no longer share certain things which was so new. It was a nightmare.

I know I have high expectations of myself. I have always succeeded with little effort. In spite of a lot of pain (pre-Bill) life was pretty easy for me when it came to succeeding. This felt like the first failure in my life that mattered and with the person I loved the most when he needed me most. Part of trying so hard is about ego, of course. Part is because I really wanted him to have the best. Yes, I hope I can forgive myself also....I do work hard on that (of course...I work hard on everything). This is all made more difficult by how sweet and sensitive Bill was. He would have been a better caregiver for me I know that. Giving just seemed to be a part of him...came so easily. I am not wired for care giving...I never had kids...and when I am called upon to care give, I really struggle. I do therapy well...an hour I can handle but month after month, year after year....that is another story.

Thanks for your wise thoughts and caring way. I will take all this to heart.

Peace

Mary

[ksbeachbum]

Mary

Your post could have been writen by me. I too have guilt and regret about my husband's caregiver... which was me. My biggest fear in life was to be placed in a caregiver and nurse's role and that is exactly where I was. Not because I did not want to be...but because I knew that was not my strength and I would not excel at it. I spent many years working in a court system and I am more of a take respsonsibility and pull your boot straps up kind of person. Not that I don't have compassion but for over 30 years I have dealt with the other side of humanity. My husband knew that was my personality and DNA makeup and loved me as I was. But... I lacked patience and was irritable on many occassions for behavior that he had no control over. My behavior with him when he was ill was at times not what I would have liked it to be in hind site. I finally had to take a break for a week and I had his brother fly down and car for him for that week. Two weeks later he was gone. I feel like I let him down. He was a handful and at times he too would wander off and fall or get into the care and drive, which he had no business doing with the loss of his eye and the pain medication he was on. I would tell him to stay put only to find him gone. I used to describe him as way too energetic, he had a lot of "nervous engery" and it did not cease with his illness. I would be cleaning up something he did only to turn around to find four more things he was into. But that was Randy. More energy than three people had. If I could do it over again, I certainly would be more patient and understanding and would have spent more quality time with him and taking more care of his emotional needs instead of taking care of stuff. If only...........................

Wishing all a happy and gentle holiday

Becky

[mfh]

Yes, Becky. I guess hindsight is great and I think it is easy for us to say we would have been more patient etc. but the reality is...it was an impossible situation and I need to repeatedly and continually call on logic to counterbalance all the emotions...and I need to, as Marty said so well, forgive myself for being human....that is a big thought.

We did our best....that is what the reminder is about and we loved and loved and loved.

Have some peaceful moments at this holiday time.

Mary

[dave s]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.....the memories of him fading and me killing myself caring for him left me not knowing myself, and the anger, at fate.... also left me, who always tackles everything easily with little effort feeling worthless......if anyone else had made this statement I would yell at them " what are you talking about, this is ridiculous!" but never the less that is where I am at times.......

Marty, during this time I never thought he wasnt 100% for me either, interesting concept that is........and so well put, he was in pain and I did everything to relieve that pain.........but what about me during that and this time since......where is he? As I have said many times before that I feel him around alot........of course it is a comfort, but not the same, but the best it is going to get.....

Mary how did you know that reposting this topic, would help to remind myself that I am human? Sure being reminded of that helps me forgive myself........for today....Thanks so much! Dave

[melina]

Mary,

I wrote that first post just after my husband's death. I still have bouts of guilt that suddenly grab me and bring me down. But I've had to make a conscious decision to block those thoughts out. It may not be the best way of dealing with it, but right now it's all I can do. I'm so stressed by life - working, paying bills, worrying about kids, worrying about whether or not I ought to move - and if so - how to do that, worrying about whether or not to rehabilitate the house - which of course has to do with whether or not I should move. All this on top of this intense loneliness and emptiness.

I just don't have room for guilt too! Sometimes I feel as though I've been a terrible person - really evil. So if I allowed guilt entrance, it would flood me - knock me down. I can't afford it if I want to stay relatively sane and be there for our children.

It seems to me you've done everything you could in the circumstances. We're only human.

Melina

[mfh]

Melina,

I do pretty much the same thing but the guilt and regret still grab me now and then. Nothing like a year ago for sure. It was out of control a year ago. Now it is a now and then thing. Marty's statements to me in her recent post helped a lot. I don't want to bury it without coming to terms with it but sometimes that is the only option. I, like you, do a lot of that when guilt rears its ugly head. I know you are feeling a lot of pressure about that house and that it is a huge decision no matter what you decide...keeping it means spending money on it...selling it means getting it ready to sell and where do you go, what do you do?

It is Thanksgiving morning here...very quiet. Ironically one of the construction guys is here to finish up a little job and get his stuff out of the studio. The contractor is coming at 8am to drop off the flooring which goes in tomorrow. I can't believe these guys are working on Thanksgiving and when they asked if they could do that I changed my plans to go to my friend's 3 hours away which is a mixed bag. Instead I will have dinner with a local friend and spend the day painting....

Take care,

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Mary,

Out of all the emotions and feelings after I lost my BELOVED PAULINE, was GUILT. I know that nothing I could have done could have changed the out come for her. After talking with all her Doctors and nurses, visiting nurses, hospice nurses, wound nurses, and by the way I sing in church in choir and music ministry, with one of Pauline's wound nurses. They would only come once a week, because I did it all the other days, and everyone told me that I did the job, just as well as they did. So after some time for all that to sink in. I have no guilt now. I was sent into Pauline's life because, the man up stairs knew she would need the best care giver, he could find. And find me he did, I was her gift in life and she was mine. Even having to take care of her for so many years, I would not have changed a thing. I quit my job to be with her 24-7. My job and the money I made did not matter one bit. It was Pauline who was and is my life. I now move forwards for her, because I promised her, I would become a nurse on way or the other. I left the guilt behind months ago. I have never been angry either, because if I let myself feel anger, it would mean I would be angry towards Pauline, and I will not go there. Our loved one never asked for the illness that took them from us. So doing your best as a care giver is NO FAILER, and being in grief is NO FAILER either. How can we fail at grief? It is just something we have to go through, no matter how hard it is at times, our loved ones wanted us to move forwards in our new life without them, but we will never forget them. They are in our Hearts, Minds, and Souls. Our spirits are intertwined forever.

God Bless

Dwayne

[kayc]

I am also grateful that Melina was so open and transparent as to put herself out there to us and share what she was feeling because these are feelings many of us have had.

I did not know my husband was going to die, in fact, I had no idea anything was wrong with him. I went to my sisters' reunion, four hours away and left him home. Right after I left he had a heart attack and drove himself to the doctor! He didn't let me know and wouldn't let the doctor contact me. He went by ambulance to the hospital. Still I didn't know. Late that night I got a message from a friend telling me to call him and he let me know George was in the hospital. George hadn't wanted to "ruin my weekend". (???!!!) I called George at the hospital and he told me not to come there, that'd he be in testing all day Saturday and wouldn't be able to see me anyway. I didn't want him to feel bad for "ruining my weekend" (as if I could enjoy one iota of it!) so I did as he said, I stayed put. That was one of the worst days of my life. I was frantic, I wanted to be with him, I was beside myself with worry, it was hard to breathe! That evening when he got back from testing, I talked to him on the phone. His tune had changed, and my sweet beloved husband who had always understood me and put me first, was now unreasonable and cranky. I was stuck where I was with no way to the hospital, my sister that I had ridden with, would not drive me back early because she wanted to stay and gamble! George chided me on the phone and said, "I would have walked halfway around the world on broken glass to be with you!" I knew it was his physical situation talking and that it would do more harm than good to try to reason with him, so I decided to just acknowledge/feel his pain and agree with him, I responded, "I know you would, George." I did my best to get my sister moving so I could go be with him but she wouldn't take me back until Sunday. I didn't sleep all weekend, I was antsy, but had to wait on her. By the time I finally got to the hospital it was 1:30 pm Sunday. I later found out that right before I'd talked with George on the phone Sat. night, he'd received the results of his tests (which he had not relayed to me...I was still thinking he'd have surgery Monday morning and get a new lease on life)...he'd sustained a major attack six months before that had left his heart severely damaged, he had five blocked arteries, some of them completely blocked, some mostly blocked, and he would not live. He did not share that with me. He was going through the hardest time in his life, facing death, undoubtedly worrying about me and how I would get along without him. And he went through all of that alone.

Could I have done anything differently? No. I did my best to love him and be the best wife possible to him always. I acted with the knowledge given at the time. There's no way I could have known what would happen. Did I feel bad that I wasn't there that last weekend when he needed me? You bet I did! Am I guilty of wrong doing? No. Sometimes our feelings of guilt or regret have no basis with reality, they are just emotions we have to deal with but we are good people that were incredible spouses. Would they have done any better if roles were reversed? No. They aren't superhuman any more than we are. None of us could predict the future, none of us would know the day and hour our spouse would die. Most of us couldn't begin to know what all they were going through, esp. if they tried to hide or diminish it so as to spare us. It's just part of what we went through in our grief journey and it began from the moment we learned of their illness/injury and continued through their death and beyond.

George knew I loved him with all of my heart just as I knew he loved me with all of his...the fact is, none of us are 100% perfect at all times. It's not whether we feel we failed each other at times or not, it's the incredible faith and love that we had together that helped us through it, even in those times.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, I just happened upon this blog post by my friend and colleague Stan Goldberg ~ and I think it surely fits in this thread. See if you agree: Caregivers: We're Not Mother Teresa