Lonely Weekends

[ksbeachbum]

Anyone else feel more lonely and isolated on the weekends? When I had my spouse and we were working we could not wait for the weekends to arrive. To spend time together and get caught up and also enjoy the things we liked to do... trying new restaurants, enjoying the sunshine and of course breakfast on Sunday mornings. Now I am lost as to what to do with my weekends. I am still too fagile to go out much, in fear that a crying episode will erupt and just not having the energy or motivation at this point in time. I spent brief periods of time with friends but again, I feel like I am out of place without the other half. I have actually managed to accumulate laundry so I will have something to keep me busy on the weekends. Also, the fact that I do live in a rural area does not help matters. I am hoping that I am still new to this grief and I will get better. No family close...son is 3.5 hours away and sure wishing he or I was closer but still to fagile to make decisions. Feeling the need for a support group, but they don't meet here during the summer. Guess you aren't suppose to grieve during the summer.

Becky

[Mrs. B]

Hi Becky, I am feeling that what you speak off. I'm going on 2 1/2 years almost without Rick. Weekends are the hardest cause we would bbq and have drinks play darts and just sit out by the pond and talk. Sundays would be breakfast and sunday car ride. Its hard for me on a Friday night to come home. Just not the same having a drink on your own. We would often joke about hardly waiting for the kids to be gone so we could do what we wanted. Now I wish they were her but they have their own lives to live.My grief group was a good bunch and we quit just after Christmas but we get together for supper every other month the ones who can make it. I look forward to it but at the same time it reminds me of a sad time in my life. My kids are far away but they call me alot and i skype with my daughter alot to . A day dosent go by that i don't talk to her and now that my grandson is starting to talk I have brief conversations with him. what i can understand. lol I have a girlfriend that after rick passed away we get together every wed either at her or my house and we cook for each other and it something different every time. We even have started a bucket list of things we want to do and we have made and bottled wine , did some road trips seen plays. Not the same as with your spouse but it better then staying home.Been doing this 2 years now.

I have friend time to but my friends that were here often don't come as much because her husband was best friends with rick and i think he finds it very hard to come here. I miss that so much. I try to get us all together by having little get together s. Ive hosted a brunch had a international dinner party.This weekend coming i am having a black and white cocktail party. Dress up black and white and bring a hor durve and cocktail and everyone is coming. I love have people here. I miss Rick big time but i know that feeling sorry for my self isnt going to make it go away so i do the best i can. Its hard. You will be fine. In time you will find what makes you happy. Take care. Mrs.B

[just one more hug]

Becky...I also have come to hate weekends. The knot in my stomach starts on Friday and I can't wait for Sunday night to get here. Really can't put my finger on what it is exactly...just that something important is missing...like my other half. Maginified on weekends... like you...both worked and weekends were something to look forward to...and Friday nights were heaven. Funny how sometimes I used to dread Monday morning...now can't wait for it get here. Guess it is because I think of everyone going back to a routine and I don't dwell so much on what other "couples" are doing. Funny because I do have a couple of friends who have lost a spouse, although not as recent as my loss, and they still feel the same way about weekends. Guess it is all part of the journey.

I talk to Bill and to God and ask them to help me through these lonely times and I know I will make it. I will put in a word for you too because your words echo how my heart feels and I wish I could just give you a hug. That's why I come to this site everyday...the feelings on all these issues are alike in all of us here and the positive posts give me hope and the courage to keep the faith that God does have a plan and we are all a part of it.

Only about 30 more hours to go and we have have conqured another weekend!!!! Perhaps, with a little help from above, next weekend will in some way surprise us.

God bless and know you are not alone...even though it feels like it....I too am right there in the same boat....but we will not sink...our husbands would kick our butts.

Carol

[kayc]

Becky,

I live in the country and sometimes feel very isolated. I enjoyed living here with George, we would go for rides, get out and walk and enjoy the beauty of nature, but without him, it's just different. I used to focus on my job M-F and look forward to the weekend when we could be together. Now I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to and no purpose, I think that's some of the hardest part for me. I almost hate saying that because it's been six years since he died, and I don't want to discourage those who are newer at this, but remember, everyone is different, and everyone's situation is different. I've had a lot of losses in the last six years, a lot of adjustments. My sister was just asking me yesterday what the hardest part is for me and I said the feeling of being on my own, alone...she said you ARE on your own, alone! I said I know it, believe me, I know it.

[dave s]

Hi was thinking about you! I can imagine how you feel about the weekends, I feel the same about everyday, so far.....I come home to our home that we put together and i get nauseated....this house seems so cold.....and can imagine what it is like in rural ks...jayhawker here, born in manhattan, family from ellsworth,pratt and kc area.

I currently live in rural az, outside phoenix, and have been blessed with family,friends, and animals that wont let me stay alone to long.....I realy dont have a good answer for your position though, just wanted to say hello and i am thinking about you...dave

[Perkins808]

It has been ten months and I am just starting to not completely dread the weekends, but maybe it's because work has been kind of stressful lately.

Weekends are hardest for me because I would wake up before Jeff and as soon as I heard him get out of bed (there's one squeaky floorboard), I would turn the coffee pot on. He would get up, go in the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash up.....and then climb back into bed to wait for me, knowing full well how much I loved to bring him coffee in bed. It seemed like such a small thing to do for him, but I knew it made him feel like a king. He would always tell me how he had never been spoiled before and how much he appreciated me. We would lay in bed, Jeff drinking his coffee, me drinking my tea....sometimes talking about life, sometimes just laying there listening to the birds. I remember a morning long before he was diagnosed with cancer we were discussing a book we had both been reading - "The Last Lecture" (if you haven't read it it's about Randy Pausch, a professor who was dying from cancer and his positive way of dealing with it). I told him that if anything ever happened to him, it would be these moments that I miss the most. Not the tropical vacations, not the crazy nights out, not the fancy dinners......it would be laying in bed having coffee with the one person in the world that I loved the most.

Oh how much I miss him.

[azbrian]

Not having a job since December, all days are the same for me.

I don't know if that it's good or bad that they are all the same.

I don't feel worse because it is the weekend like some of you do.

I should be worried that all days feel the same ?

[Kat2005]

With the two year anniversary at the end of the month, I have to say the weekends have been easier. In the beginning they were awful. I pushed myself to keep busy though. It wasn't very hard to find things to do. Keeping up the house and yard took up alot of my time. I also have friends that include me in alot of things but it is still not the same and the hardest thing is coming home to an empty house.

Perkins808, great book!

Kat

[mfh]

I agree that the weekends are tough. I tend to be very busy M-F and then the weekends hit. People are busy with family things and though there are a lot of events around here...they seem to be weekdays. I guess because planners know that weekends are already busy for folks. So today I was alone all day, couple phone calls and worked on my publication as deadline approaches but every weekend is hard even if I make plans....I have come to hate what I used to love. mfh

[melina]

Becky,

I think you'll find that pretty much everyone here is lonely on the weekends, even if they have kids living at home. I have one son still at home, but I desperately miss my husband's company and conversation. We would go for hikes with the dog, work out in the yard, or just hang out together. Three day weekends - which I used to really look forward to, are now the worst. And I'm not looking forward to vacation either. Here in Norway we have 5 weeks of vacation. And our department of the hospital is closed for four weeks in July. I have no idea how I'm going to get through four empty weeks. Everyone - or so it seems - will be out having fun. I'll be here trying to make time pass more quickly.

Melina

[ksbeachbum]

Thank you all for your thoughtfulness and replies. Today is going to be a better day for me. Thinking positive. Melina, you are up at 4:35 a.m.? So glad I am not the only one with such abnormal hours any more. Sleep, either too much or not enough and never normal.

Hoping you all have a gentle peaceful comforting Sunday.

Becky

[ksbeachbum]

Dave:

Another jayhawker... great. I spent the past 13 years driving to Manhattan to work. Retired at 53 10 days before Randy was diagnosed with cancer. Glad I did to take care of him but now am wishing I had that job. I was a court administrator. Manhattan has changed so much you wouldn't recognize it.

Becky

[pinkpony]

weekends have been hard every since my dh got sick & even more so now that he's gone. For the previous 2yrs before he got sick we would go country dancing every sat night, our kids had all grown up & we started enjoying our empty nest & each other again(we got married real young & started having babies) it was like we were newly weds again. I'm so glad God gave me that "fairy tale" love before dh got sick. I tried a few time to go out with the girls, but it was never the same again, now I sit alone on sat nights.

[Anne E]

Dave:

Another jayhawker... great. I spent the past 13 years driving to Manhattan to work. Retired at 53 10 days before Randy was diagnosed with cancer. Glad I did to take care of him but now am wishing I had that job. I was a court administrator. Manhattan has changed so much you wouldn't recognize it.

Becky

Count me Jayhawker #3. Dick was a Salina, Kansas native. I was born in Junction City. My father was career Air Force, so we moved around lots. I met Dick when my father got orders to Vietnam and my parents rented the house across the street from Dick's parents for the family to live in while he was gone.

Dick was taking a year off from college to earn $$ for another year. It was not love at first sight, but it lasted almost 40 years. We were married in Salina, lived and raised our son there. After Dick's death three years ago, I moved to Colorado to be closer to our son. While I miss Salina, it has been so good for me to close to our son. It's a comfort to us both.

Kansans are Awesome People!!!

Anne

[ksbeachbum]

Count me Jayhawker #3. Dick was a Salina, Kansas native. I was born in Junction City. My father was career Air Force, so we moved around lots. I met Dick when my father got orders to Vietnam and my parents rented the house across the street from Dick's parents for the family to live in while he was gone.

Dick was taking a year off from college to earn $$ for another year. It was not love at first sight, but it lasted almost 40 years. We were married in Salina, lived and raised our son there. After Dick's death three years ago, I moved to Colorado to be closer to our son. While I miss Salina, it has been so good for me to close to our son. It's a comfort to us both.

Kansans are Awesome People!!!

Anne

[ksbeachbum]

I feel closer to you and Dave since you are truly Kansans. I live in Abilene, so I know Salina well. My one and only son teaches in Goodland and is getting married 7/23/11 in Goodland. It is a long way and I just can't make up my mind whether I should move out there or not. It is so isolated and I had lived there before and hated all 8 years of it, but I keep telling myself that it is close to Denver where I have family, and Silverthorne and Ft. Collins where Randy's siblings are and it should not matter WHERE we are if we have our family and loved ones close to us. Right? I won't make any hasty decisions but I have no family here, but I am blessed with very good friends. 23 years ago I moved here for a promotion after a divorce along my 2 year old son. I worked and had friends and then met the love of my life , where we continued to reside and raise our son. My husband is now gone and my son now has his own home 3.5 hr. away. What is the point of staying here?

Hugs,

Becky

[melina]

Thank you all for your thoughtfulness and replies. Today is going to be a better day for me. Thinking positive. Melina, you are up at 4:35 a.m.? So glad I am not the only one with such abnormal hours any more. Sleep, either too much or not enough and never normal.

Hoping you all have a gentle peaceful comforting Sunday.

Becky

Becky,

I'm usually not up that early - or late. Although it does happen now and then. I'm in a different time zone, living in Norway.

Melina

[nats]

Becky,

I am at 16 months since Ruth passed and it does get easier opposed to harder if we allow it, we all control our own grief is what I've discovered recently and the things we do and our attitude/outlook also control our grief, if we choose to face each day with the thought that we will never see or be with our departed again things are bleek indeed, but if we reflect and believe in being reunited days are much more comforting....one thing alot of people do not understand about our grief is none of us wanted this to happen but it has, none of us would want our loved ones in pain, unhappy or not enjoying life and in a lot of cases that was happening, it was with Ruth, I saw her decline and her fear as she grew tired from all the chemo, radiation, and numerous other chemicals God never intended our bodies to be able to tolerate and I look back and cry as it's my being selfish that is the heart of this grief because, Ruth was not free of pain, she was not happy with all the stress of the situation, she also became so sad when she could no longer walk, and she was not happy with what is was doing to me watching my wife being changed before my very eyes daily, so with that being the case I fully have come to terms that she is so much better being with me as my Angel and my guide....she will always be with me maybe not in a physical sense as we know it but she's far from gone....now that I've shared that kinda off topic rant, the weekends are hard as myself and Ruth shared much of what everyone posted as well, I'm kinda lucky I work most weekends but I still have my 2 days off Mon/Tue that are and can be rough as I miss the time with Ruth....I stay busy with life, my dogs, my yard, and discovering new things about life I didn't notice before, being forced into this type of life change takes time indeed for adjustment some of us require more time than others and part of our healing is the choice's we make in how to deal with this change, I myself am not going to let the sorrow of grief take away all the positive memories, the love, passion, and the companionship I shared with Ruth, I am in control of my grief the grief is not in control of me and I will so choose to face it with a positive outlook and a smile as I remember my beautiful wife and continue to rebuild my life as a new person, only now I'm being guided by an Angel....as well as God...

NATS

[dave s]

If you want my vote, move yourself, son, daughter in law to Colorado. I know what you mean about Goodland, spent summers there with my Aunt and Uncle when I was a kid....very isolated......with that being said I know we are not to make major life decisions for some time, I also know what you mean about it doesnt matter where you live if your around friends and family....which is something that I need to be reminded of myself for I now have this incredible desire to leave the Phoenix area, but after this experience have truely realized that i have GREAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY here that includes Mikes family who calls and checks on me a couple of times a day.....

[ksbeachbum]

NATS:

Thank you for your post. I have read it several times during this past week and I believe that what you said is very profound and I am going to change my way of thinking. My daily crying has been my pity party, my sadness, my loss. I believe that after reading your post that I have been very selfish. I want my husband here with me, but deep down I know that he was tired and in lots of pain, and probably the hardest part for him was to see me watching him fade away a little more every day. When I start getting on my pity pot I am going to remember that he is in a much better place now without pain and suffering and I am grateful for that. I have the memories and I am thankful for the 15 years I was with the love of my life. Some people never get to experience the kind of love we had their entire life. The rest of this journey of mine will be w/o him but I WILL meet up with him again.

Thank you for your wisdom.

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Nats,

After reading your post, I can see a lot of similarities with what Pauline and went through. The last 2 years of her life she suffered more than anyone should. Our faith is what kept us going a lot of the time. Pauline never feared death, because her and I know we will be together again.

It ripped my heart out the day she died. I started getting things done that needed to be. I set myself a goal only a couple days after she passed. That is to become a nurse. As I have told it many times on here Pauline donated her body to science. I have too. I put together her memorial 5 weeks after she passed. I was real sick with a bug for 2 of those weeks. Maybe that has some connection to my problem I now have.

I put together my resume, and started job hunting. I found out I have experience but no certification. Through the career center, I have been approved for funding. I know which school I want to go to. But here I sit waiting and now with a health problem I hope and pray does not derail me going to school.

I know Pauline was so tired of the pain, trips to the hospital, which they had to transport by ambulance. I did not want to see her suffer any more. I was so thankful for hospice, I done most all the work for her,wound care from bed sores. I gave her all he medications, I knew she was tired and I let her go. I will see her again pain free and happy.

God be with you

Dwayne

[nats]

Becky and Dwayne,

I express and share what I have learned during this journey in hopes someone can see and feel some comfort during such a rough time, if I can help anyone even see a glimmer of hope, peace or comfort I've given back something I have found and I am finding, and as far as wisdom I not sure how wise I am, I'm just going with the flow and adjusting to what life has thrown my way...I must give credit to God, Ruth and my new companion Brenda as without all the guidance they have provided I would not be where I am today....

NATS

[Dwaynecg]

Becky, Colorado is truly Gods country. As growing up in the mountains SW of Denver. It was clean and clear skies. I hiked and fished many of the high mountain lakes. In the middle of August camped by a small lake above timber line you would have frost on the tent. After the sun would come up it would warm into high 60's or low 70's. And the native brook trout cooked fresh over a fire was the best part. I skied all over the state, it has the best snow you can find. If you live in or around Denver, when you start to drive up into the foot hills it is like the AC has been turned on. I still have a brother who lives in the Denver area, and my parents and an older brother lives in the western part of Colorado around Grand Junction. If you do decide to move to Denver please drive up US 285 south up to Bailey, and up to the top of Shawnee pass for me.

May God guide you down your journey of life

Dwayne

[kayc]

I think that's why I tried remarrying, although it didn't do me any good and I shouldn't have. I think we just have to learn to live with the loneliness and changed lives. Now that I'm out of work, every day is pretty lonely except I still work Mondays for now.