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This week, I started back to school, taking Anatomy. For the last week or so I have not been feeling like, myself, first a bad cold, then it is like my brain is all scrambled up again, like it was 9 months ago. Un able to read and concentrate. That is not good when you are in a class that is fast pace and test, after test. 2 a day. The first 3 I was not bad all 3 were 100's, then the fourth test, I had no concentration, I took my time, by the time I was done I was in tears. I do not know why, well yes I do know why, it is a big wave of grief, washing over me. I scored an 89%, which is still good. The CEO of the schools have been at our school this week and has been in to lecture in the after noon. After class was over, Debbie, asked me to stay behind, she wanted to talk to me. She was concerned about my score. She told me when I go from 17 100 in a row to an 89, she wanted to know what was going on. She did not know that Pauline had passed away. I was crying, she asked about my medication. On Friday I went to my Doctor and had him increase my Med for now until I get out of this depression, that I am in. I do not know why it had to come on now when I need a clear mind, and be able to study. Debbie, was real nice, she told me that they will help me get though this, whatever it takes. I am not use to being so down like this, I am always the positive one, now I just do not know. I will finish my school, I will become a nurse and help others, right now I just need a little help to keep me going, get my focus back again.

Thank each and everyone of you for listening,

God Bless

Dwayne

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Sometimes we cannot control that wave of grief and we must ride it until it reaches the shore and subsides. congratulations for starting a new career; the stress of all the changes can come out in many ways. Take you time and no it will not last. I wish you the best.

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Dwayne, my dear, please know that these setbacks are not at all unusual ~ there is nothing wrong with you! You push yourself SO hard ~ sometimes I wonder if it may be too hard, and I wish that you could let yourself rest for a while. But you are who you are, and you must travel this grief journey in your own way. At times like this, I like to remember the story I once heard told by Wally Amos, African-American founder of Famous Amos Cookies. He was describing how he managed to keep his spirits up when times got tough in his life. He said "I just remember what it says in the Bible: It says it came to pass ~ It doesn't say that it came to stay." He went on to say that whatever bad fortune came his way, whenever he would lose faith in himself, he always knew that he would not feel that way forever, and eventually things would begin to turn around and his outlook would change. Whatever is getting in the way of your ability to concentrate right now, just pay it the attention it's demanding. Sit with it for a while, and notice and attend to what comes up for you. Bring it to your next grief support group. Talk to your clergy person about it. And all the while, remember that you won't feel this way forever ~ you will get back in your groove. Right now, something in your grief is demanding your attention. Tend to it, give it whatever time it needs, and have faith that this will all work out, exactly as it should. We are all still here for you, just as you have been here for us, and you most certainly are not alone.

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Hi Dwayne

Your post really touched me because when Clint died, I was right at the point of mid terms in October, 2010. I was completely devastated and during his illness, tried so hard to concentrate--even studying while he was in surgery awaiting his return to the room. He never fully recuperated from the biopsy and spoke only once more before slipping into the coma. I had a very difficult math class that year and two additional classes. I have waited many years to complete my degree and never even anticipated losing the love of my life in the interim. I had considered withdrawing from everything back then--it was difficult to read, study or even know if anything was real anymore. I don't know what exactly happened, but my professors allowed me time to make arrangements and attend the funeral, but even beyond that, whenever I couldn't deal, I could leave campus to compose myself. I found that in working the complex math scenarios, I could focus on something outside his death, that there was at least ONE thing I had some control over. The waves of depression will come and go and it seems that as soon as you feel stronger, and able to move ahead, you're knocked backward again. These feelings will happen, but don't let them stop you from making progress. Take the meds if you need them for now, that doesn't mean you'll always need to rely on them. You will find that as you progress toward your degree, once course at a time, you will feel better. You will experience a feeling of accomplishment that you can do something for yourself to enhance your life. We will never forget our loved ones, and for me, each time I have managed to complete a semester, I tell Clint that I've completed another rung of the ladder. I will graduate in May, finally. My dream was that he would be here to see me get the degree. But I believe he will be here, in spirit, just as your Pauline will be. Keep posting and take one day at a time, one class at a time, one test at a time. I'm pulling for you!

Marietta

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Dewayne, by the way 89% is great! please keep in mind......no one will be looking at your transcript when you go and get a nursing job....just as long as you have a license. And keep in mind all your learning right now is how to take your board exams....Nursing School prepares you little for life as a nurse...just to take your board exams....the real test for you will be when you are in the working world......depending on some core basics that you will need......which you will discover as time unfolds. I tell you this.....only to try to remind you to keep this experience as a Nursing student in perspective.....

I have been lucky enough to lately discover that my grief load has lightened, it for some reason has been less debilitating.......but know all to well that with some more anniversaries approaching, 8 month anniversary on this mon., 1 yr anniversary of Mike moving in, etc.....I know my time is coming for some more grief surges......will keep you posted on how this unfolds......but I think this, as painfull as it is, can be very healthy for us....and encourage you to deal with your emotions, as they come, during this "crazy time" as a nursing student. Nursing School......isn't fun.......take into account, what you are going through on top of that...( growth in other areas)... Dewayne please take care........

Best Wishes! Dave

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Dwayne,

The waves must indeed be flowing for reasons we do not know maybe pushing to hard as Marty said or just the way it is...ironic how your post came to my Android while I was also having several huge waves of grief since returning to work after a beautiful Holiday and vacation...for the first time in awhile I noticed how "loud" an empty house is when returning home one day...I also am very positive motivated but this bump has me feeling a little down, and then my Dr. decided since it's been almost 2 years since Ruth's passing I am "surely over it" and decided to adjust my meds down to a point it's hard to function, well needless to say I am filing a complaint and firing him, seeing how there is no possible way for him to make that incompentent determination based on his lack of having gone thru the loss of a spouse, his determination is pure speculation and text book teachings, people you would least expect to knock the wind from you are amazing at times...anyway my friend we'll both get back up, keep the faith and find our way just look to the light...you know the rest...

NATS

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Dear Dwayne,

I am just coming out of a long wave of grief centered on the hospital and Jane's last days.

The thing that helped most was getting back to first principals: the waves are going to hit when they want to hit and not when we have time for them. Our control is sometimes limited to riding out the wave--feeling what we feel and seeing what we see.

I realized I was not drinking enough water, not eating right, not getting enough sleep, not exercising when I needed to. I forgot to breathe. I am still not certain whether those things were the symptoms of the grief or the cause of it. I do know that getting back into doing the self-care items helped some. It did not fully cure the depressive state, however. Time has done that to a large extent. I am relearning what it means to wait. I am relearning what it means to be patient. But every day has its struggles. We have to remember to roll with them.

When I was much younger and learning a particular form of martial arts I was taught to let my body roll with any punch or strike that could not be blocked. I am trying to convert that lesson into dealing with grief. If my body wants to cry, I try to let it. If my body wants to wander around the house I try to let it. The sooner I accept what is there, the sooner it passes.

As someone wrote above, things come to pass--they don't come to stay. This, too, shall pass away. Feel what you need to feel in the moment. The more you fight to hold it off, the greater the price you will have to pay when it finally overwhelms you.

At least that is my experience this time around. When I finally stopped fighting what I was feeling and let myself feel it, things started to get a little better. As someone wrote elsewhere, sometimes the dark times have things to teach us--sometimes we need to experience the darkness rather than striving to get back into the light.

It was only when I had given up on love and embraced the idea that I might well live my life alone that Jane walked through the door. Maybe that is what this requires sometimes.

Hope this helps.

Peace,

Harry

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Dwayne,

We all go through these waves of grief...they are not setbacks...they are part of the process. I am in the midst of one gigantic tsunami again and this one is treacherous and has lasted a long time and is gut wrenching. Others are briefer and then I get a reprieve where it feels like I can get through a day more easily. This wave is demanding all I have and am and part of me wants to fight it but that does not work....for the most part I do not fight them anymore I just sit in them...lay low more....journal and allow the pain to wash through me....as slowly or quickly as it seems to need to go. I still, at a different level, have thoughts of "should"...(I "should" not be here. I "should" be "better" by now. What is wrong with me?) And then I stop and instead of figuring it all out, I just cry and know the tears are ok. I accomplish little, can't concentrate. I know they feel like set backs but I quit calling them that. They are just grief having its way. You have waited a long time to go to nursing school and you WILL finish...in time...but in the mean time you are also grieving...that grief is a part of you and deserves at least as much attention as your classes. 89% is a fantastic score btw. Be where you are. I say that to me as much as to you because when these waves take me to the bottom of a black and wild ocean...I do not want to be there-who would-but here I am and the only way to the beach is to relax into the waves of grief. I can not fight a tsunami. I lose every time I have tried and that sends me further from the shore. I have given up the idea of most (hardly any) people understanding. I quit looking for them to respond to me as Bill would. That will never happen. It is a lonely trek we are on. I just do my thing and right now that is pretty lonely and difficult but it is where I am. I do what I can...I can't do more. It still does not feel like me when I surrender to the grief because, like you, I expect too much of myself. Oh, these lessons are a challenge. Try to relax into the grief...look at it..be in it. It will carry you to a shore...for a while. Peace, Mary

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Dear Dwayne

Lots of good advice above. All I can add is that it takes a lot of emotional energy to stay positive all the time.

I think it's more than OK to feel down, depressed, sad, teary, low on energy, unmotivated, lacking concentration, lonely etc etc etc. What human being who loved someone deeply and lost them wouldn't feel that way from time to time?

Give yourself permission to let your guard down just a little - I feel it makes me stronger in the end....Susie Q

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Thank You All,

Marty, you are right, I do and always have pushed myself hard all the time. Pauline's Father, Dad, we were just talking about that the week between Christmas and New Years. He said maybe your doing to much, but he said that he never worked with anyone who worked as hard and took on as many things as I could. I got 2 new music CD's for choir. I haven't even had the energy to open them and listen to them. By now, I would have had all the songs copied word for word on paper.

Susie, you are so right, it takes, a lot of emotional energy to stay on top. That is where I am use to being at, not sinking. Although I have stopped the sinking.

Yesterday, just after I wrote this thread, my friend Bob called me. He is from my Church and is right up there with the pastors, I counseled him a little over a week ago, with some very deep and dark emotions he was going through, he wanted to talked to someone who has been through the meat grinder. He knew I had been and still am in it. Well I helped him. I guess Donna, called him and told him I was having this grief wave. He talked I cried, and we talked for about an hour. After I took the computer in the bedroom and worked on a way for me to learn Anatomy, like I had done with Terminology. I felt much better after.

Now to hear from all of you and your positive responses, I guess I am only human, and the brain is going to work the way it works. I think my trigger was moving Pauline's favorite Aunt to California. I drove her and her Niece to Boston on Saturday morning before school started. Maybe it was like another little piece of Pauline had slipped away.

I take all your advice to heart, and I knew that this is the right place to be, to help me again. I Thank All of You.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Dwayne:

Thinking of you and know you are not alone. The grief surges come and go ...one of the positives it that as time goes on the waves are further apart and don't last as long. I had a particularly hard New Years Eve and New Years Day..no reason for it just reflections of years gone by with my love and knowing there will be no more.

You will be back in your academic sweet spot in no time. In the mean time be kind to yourself.

Hugs from your Abilene friend

*Becky*

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Dwayne, I have missed you here and figured it was because you were busy with studying. Waves of grief are to be expected and I hope you don't feel any less of yourself for feeling them. I KNOW my focus/concentration is not what it was "before" and I doubt it'll come back since it's been so long already...I have accepted that. Just keep plugging along and you'll make it, and like Dave said, no one is going to notice if your tests are 89% or 100% as long as you complete the schooling and get your certification. You ARE a very positive person, positive people can get depressed too! It'll come and go, I'm just sorry you're going through it and wish I was there to give you a big hug.

Nats, A good doctor would DISCUSS your need for your meds WITH you instead of arbitrarily deciding FOR you. As you say, he hasn't been through it and some may need them less and some more, we're all individual. I hope you turn to a good doctor that has listening skills. Keep on standing up for yourself!

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NATS I am with Kay on this one. You and your doctor must be a team....working together.

Mary

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I know, I talk to my Doctor before he gave me a new script. We have always been a team. He is a very good Doctor, asked a lot of questions, finding out what exactly was on my mind, Pauline, like it was just a month after she passed. All I want to do is to curl up under the covers and sleep. That is not me, that is not who I am now. He said it is time for an increase. Plus one of my other Medications, I was off for a week. I knew they were sending me a new card a the start of the year, but no one told me the old one ran out December 23, so I had no Medication for anxiety for over a week. It is no wonder I crashed. Today I am feeling a little better again. It will take some time, but time right now is not luxury, in a fast pace course we will be though in about a week an a couple days from now.

Thank You

God Bless

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Dwayne,

You have been there for me when I was at my lowest, giving me a reason to go on with your posts. I don't have much to offer as the sentiments and advice from others has said it all. Just know that I too am hoping that this passes for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there...I did...as hard as it is it gets a little better every day....

Hugs, Mik (Kim)

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Dwayne,

I'm praying for you, I hope school went well today. You can call me any time, you know that.

Nat, you're in my prayers too, I hope you're considering a second opinion. I was with the same doctor for 33 years and when he closed his practice I had to find a new one, I was apprehensive, but found a new one that I like, although I'll always miss him...I used to work for him and we were friends so it's hard switching after so long! Keep looking, there's plenty out there, talk to friends, get recommendations, that's how I found my new one.

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Dear Kay,

I always like to talk to you, you give me positive energy after and that is what I need now.

I am doing better, but still having a hard time concentrating on the tests, making stupid mental mistakes. When I get home I feel so tired and just sleep for a couple hours, before I can do anything. I am still dealing with Pauline's Aunt's apartment getting everything out, I know that does not help either. I will just keep pushing through and pass this course. I have a long weekend coming up, so that might help. I go to my hospice meeting tonight, I know that will help me also. Well I have to keep studding. I will keep you updated.

God Bless

Dwayne

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You might consider dropping the apartment repairs until the course is over....pushing is a tough way to live when one is already exhausted and has been sick. Just a thought. Mary

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You might consider dropping the apartment repairs until the course is over....pushing is a tough way to live when one is already exhausted and has been sick. Just a thought. Mary

I second this. You spent a lot of time in the hospital last summer. Don't overdo. Take a deep breath periodically.

Peaxce,

Harry

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Dwayne,

Sending a prayer for you...check your email! (((hugs)))

Kay

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