Looking For The Positives

[Clematis]

One of the things that has always kept me going has been the next goal--the next adventure--and preparing myself for whatever it was. I think this is something I've had in common with my dad. He said that moving out west after my mother died was his "last big adventure".  I have four degrees and have had lots and lots of jobs of all kinds. When I set out to be a school psychologist, I announced to my supervisor-who had gotten to know me and my restless nature rather well-that I was going to just settle into my new job in Sedona and stay there until I retired! He grimaced and said, "I give you five years" ...before moving on to something else. But then my dad came out, the real estate market tanked, my dad's health declined, my position was eliminated, I got very involved in caring for my dad, and when I started doing in my fieldI was so relieved I figured I'd just do it until I was too old to get out of a chair.

Taking care of him and then grieving him has taken me away from being the athletic and fit person I have been all my life. Liberal consumption of Lucky Charms, Mac&Cheese, and ice cream for the last four months have done no favors for my figure or my fitness level. I guess I keep thinking I should get a will made because I may not even live long enough to settle my dad's estate. I may not outlive the cat. Why? Because I don't care enough? Who am I and how is it that the me that was so driven all those years just disappeared?

I'm thinking that this is a huge adjustment and although I do have this big job ahead of me in consolidating/moving back to my house/estate settling, it's not like I've been doing nothing. I'm painting again, nurturing my flowers, and my response to feeling so mopey and uncreative in ceramics class was to delve into inorganic chemistry and spend the semester experimenting with glaze elements. And I have learned a lot. When the teacher quizzes the class and has some question about chemistry, he looks around the room and his gaze settles on me, and out it comes! But still, I keep thinking I'm going to just go downhill, gain more weight, and so on until I retire, at which time I will-what? follow my dad? But he was 27 years older than I-what am I thinking? Or am I even thinking? Uh-maybe not. Maybe I'm just exhausted from grieving and not actually half-dead, and I am still me.

So, I had this big revelation today at the career fair at the school where I am working. There was a guy there from the National Park Service, with his tan uniform and one of those awesome park ranger hats. I've always felt like this was my missed career that I never got to have. I always wished I could be a ranger and wear one of those hats. So he was telling me  about how the NPS hires a lot of retired people for seasonal work, which is 4-6 months a year. That would be perfect! I could do maybe five more years at what I am doing and do a step-down-partial retirement and go from working 9 months a year to working 4-6 months a year. It would give me some incentive to really get back into shape again-to be a seasonal ranger. And then I would get to wear one of those hats! That's something to get up in the morning for!

This is really starting to sound like my dad. I remember him saying when he was in his 50's that when he was of retirement age he didn't want to retire. He planned to dye his hair and just start a new career. I believe that if it weren't for the Parkinson's slowing him down, he would have. I don't have Parkinson's or anything else except what goes along with gaining weight that you can eliminate if you lose the weight. And I have a perfect background for it--I just have get up and start moving. Well, maybe tomorrow. First I have to get some sleep...

 

[Margm]

14 hours ago, Clematis said:

 I have four degrees

Laura, I am revising both of my posts.  It is really terrible of me to give advice when I had so many years to plan for a future and was granted the wonderful opportunity to have that future with a man who was my best friend.  We had not one penny in savings.  We could never save.  Our kids needed something, our grandchildren needed something and they got it.  At one time we were paying for three cars and only one was ours.  We got paid back when they had the money.  Right now I pay the insurance on everything.  I cannot give advice when I stay an enabler.  All I see right now is I am going to help support three families and I will let them want for nothing that is necessary.  One has a college degree and a nurses degree also, but is on disability.  How can I be so hypocritical as to give advice when I do not practice it myself.  One has numerous degrees, but no money and no hopes for any.  I get "up against the wall" sometimes and freak out.  All I can say is it is nice to have a safety net.  It does not always work that way, sometimes it is impossible when you are fighting our government with Obamacare and taxes.  Cannot get into politics though.  If you can, try for some sort of a safety net when you get old, if you are given the privilege of getting old.  I would say "like me" but sometimes it does not feel like a privilege.  I think I was speaking more to someone else than I was to you, but all the talking in the world cannot save that other person, so if I can, if I am allowed, I will be there.  

I once read a quote that "how will they ever touch the ground if you are always there to catch them."  That is not exactly the way it went, but it is the gist of it.  

[Clematis]

Well, one was an AA degree, and I earned some credit that helped me get a Bachelor's degree in an area inappropriate area for me. After I stopped kicking myself, I realized that I could go on at the graduate level and get an MSW degree...social workers don't make tons of money, but I made upward steps. When I was working in a state prison in mental health, I realized I wasn't going to do any better in the way of salary, and I didn't want to stay in the prison system. It makes people kind of warped over a long span of years.  But I wanted to stay in the state retirement system, so I figured I could get out of prison, stay in the state retirement system, get summers off, make more money and get out of Tucson which was bad for my mental and emotional health if I got a degree as a school psychologist. So now I live in Sedona and use my MSW and School Psych degrees to make a living in the schools. I am no longer in the state retirement, since I do contract work and am not an employee. That's suboptimal, but I can make my own schedule and I no longer have migraines. I did put in a lot of time into planning, and at some point realized that I couldn't take fun career options at lower pay like being a park ranger because it would be starting over. I figured I needed to use what I had and "ride the horse in the direction it was already going", as to my career.

So now I'm working on a "step-down" plan, whereby I can work closer to home, and work a shorter part of the year over what would be early retirement years. So, at first I would be semiretired and still have some income and yet have time to do some things I'd really like to do that you don't have time to do when you're working full time. Anyway, that's my idea. Marg, if you have any ideas for me about planning, that's great.

[iPraiseHim]

Laura, It sounds like you have a plan. 

I need to do some planning for my future as well.  our plans were destroyed when my wife died and its difficult to look to far ahead to figure out. What to do.  My wife and I used to say that our retirement planning is the Rapture.  But the reality is I have no retirement assets; I can not afford to live on Social Security, and I need to generated a hug nest egg. I really don't want to stop working. But my body is getting older and achy.  I would like to be able to hire other reliable workers and just manage my residential cleaning business but just have not been able to find the dependable worker to grow this business. It's difficult to plan ahead when I am just trying to survive each day without my beloved bride by my side.  She inspired me and motivated me to strive with more focus.  Now I am like a boat without a rudder.  Shalom - George 

[Margm]

It is very presumptuous of me to try to give advice when I was given the chance of living with Billy as long as I have.  If this had happened to me when I was in my 40's or 30's, I do not know what I would have done.  

There is another old saying (and I have a lot of old sayings) about not being able to get blood from a turnip.  I don't feel like a turnip, more like a beet at this time.  Grief, grief in moving, and family financial problems may actually make me certifiable.  I go to the doc Monday morning.  Gonna request a straight jacket, or is that strait jacket?  

[Clematis]

It is totally ok, and I'm not in my 30's or 40's...I need all the help and suggestions I can get! I am getting closer to when I might be able to retire. I know what you are saying in that sometimes people are offended by unsolicited advice. You may be older than I but regardless of age we can all learn from each other. Sometimes people don't want any advice or help, but sometimes you might save someone from making a mistake by offering up something they had not thought of. So, please don't worry. I figure that anyone should be able to learn from their own mistakes and successes, but its even better if you can learn from the successes and mistakes of other! I figure that unsolicited advice is like free samples being offered in the grocery store. If you're not interested, just keep walking. Maybe it's not for you... 

I think part of what we are doing here is getting to know some of the people on the forum better, and the more I see of you, the more I like you! You seem to be very kind, generous and wise. I am getting close to being of an age where I can make some choices about when and how I retire. I have lost my safety net-having my dad around. I should have some income from Social Security, some from the state retirement, some from my own investments, and some from my dad (which will almost all go into my own personal retirement accounts). Will it be enough? I don't know. But I am still working and will probably be able to work for awhile longer. Seasonal sounds good, to me, but not yet. I have learned so much from hearing about what others have done. Had I not listened to advice from friends, coworkers, and acquaintances, I would be not as well prepared as I am. So, for me personally, advise away, ok?

[Clematis]

Sometimes you can keep someone from falling into a hole by pointing it out to them. Sometimes, you can see them about to fall in and they will fall in, no matter what you say. I figure if I have fallen down a particular hole and see someone else about to fall in the same hole, I have some obligation to at least point it out. I try to never push it. Of course, sometimes they take offense, but sometimes they are appreciative. You just never know. I try to do for others what I would want them to do for me, if I can. I don't need to fall into any holes if I can avoid them. To me the worst thing is to have someone tell me after I fall into a hole and they saw where I was headed and they said nothing. To me it seems almost cruel to not warn someone of imminent danger that you know is there or not offer information that you have and they may need...at any given time, the other person may be offended or choose to ignore me, but I don't care about that; it's their choice. I care about being able to live with myself.

[Margm]

As many mistakes as I have made, I am the worlds worse to take advice from, but I appreciate it.  I just started typing and let my fingers do the running.  Family is wonderful to have and I don't want to lose anymore of them, but not sure I will outlive all the problems they have.  You sound like you are doing great.  I appreciate your taking it with a good attitude.  Some things I should not get into.  I'm old, but not that smart.  

[Clematis]

I think you are a terrific person with a good heart who is generous with her time and energy. I can't imagine anything you could have possibly done wrong that is of any consequence. As far as making mistakes in life, everyone does. It's good when we can all learn not only from our own mistakes, but those of others...

Anyway,  I see the things you write to other people who are grieving. It is the concern and loving support of you and others like you is what makes this site work--to help people that feel like lost and/or in a free fall (like me when I stumbled across this gem) to begin to find what it takes to pull their lives into something they can eventually accept as their new normal. I know what you mean about not being able to outlive the intergenerational dysfunction. I used to hope that I could run away from the craziness In my family; then I hoped that I could work to stop it. None of that is true; I think it is what it is. Part of my pain and grief in losing my father, and then my beloved aunt, and then having my sisters get so narcissistically icky and then stop talking to me, has made me look back again at my early history. I actually thought that all these patterns would go into the grave with my mother. Nope. My sisters followed her death by being rather nice to me because they could use me to get our dad to send them money. Now that he is gone, I seem to have no further use to them. If someone had told me that ten years ago or even five years ago, I would never have believed it. But who knows what may happen in the end...

[Margm]

Your right, things could turn around.  I cannot desert my sister.  She will need my help and is not well herself.  I just expected Billy to be here to smooth things out.  

We have warring factions in this family all the time but they die down.  Maybe if you lived closer to them, but then that might make it worse.  My mom's sisters fought all the time.  I can only imagine their mom and dad trying to referee these fights.  Mama threw a fork and it stuck in her brother's forehead.  He was spitting watermelon seeds across the table at her.  She tried fighting my dad and he would turn and walk away from her.  He was such a gentleman.  I would be hiding under the table or bed saying "hit her daddy, hit her."  She once hit him three times and he walked away from it.  Things have been relatively smooth since Billy passed but they tip-toe around me.  I get in the truck and run off if they get to fussing.  I wish I had known that sooner, I could have just run away from their fussing by getting in the car and leaving.  It all blew over anyhow.  I think they are scared to fuss around me now.  

Take care.  They will come around.  

[Clematis]

Wow-you really had a lot of drama! That's terrible! At my house, things were awful but it was subtle and quiet. Nobody ever got a fork stuck in their forehead...it was more like people wished they were dead but couldn't figure out why. My parents were both wicked smart and they could take the inside of your head and like...did you ever see those little things you can stick in a tiny hole in an egg and scramble the egg without breaking the shell? It only leaves a tiny hole. It was like that...nothing you could see. It took me a lot of therapy to figure out what really happened and why it was so devastating. I wonder if it makes you suffer more later from grief if your family of origin was a war zone/emotional disaster area...

Hard to tell what will happen with my sisters. I am going to just let them be for now and focus on what I need to do. My dad was an attorney and he set things up with an attorney who specializes in wills, trusts, and estates. In his possession I found a big box-essentially a kit for how to do all this stuff on your own and I could just imagine the wheels spinning in his head, thinking that he was an attorney and was smart enough to do it himself. But he specialized in patent law and didn't know the first thing about it. So in the end, he did the right thing and got an expert. She says I am doing things correctly and at a reasonable pace-especially for someone who is working. My sisters are like adolescents, functionally. They are going to have to work through things and get over themselves. Or not. I thought it was interesting what you said about your family being afraid to fuss around you. That is definitely the case with my family; they throw pot shots at me here and there, but they won't go after me unless they can do it together. Like they are afraid of me. They did that when they came out to the memorial, ganged up on me, but still lost. They can upset me but they still lose. It's funny-I've been feeling all along like I am made of wet tissue paper hanging in the breeze, but the truth is probably that they are well aware that in spite of the grief and everything I have a strong solid core, and they are basically disintegrated underneath the veneer.   

They have their own fish to fry. My younger sister has Parkinson's now herself, IBS, and some other health issues. My older sister is like a child. Play play play all night and day and won't deal with any sort of confrontation or challenge. As far as I can tell all of their kids have issues with alcohol/ and/or drugs, like you frequently see with people who have that on both sides of their families. I am the only sober one...

 

[Margm]

Laura, my great grandfather died in the charity hospital system the year my father was born from probably liver failure or stomach cancer brought on by his alcohol addiction..  He never got to see his first grandchild.  He was an alcoholic.  It skipped a couple of generations and hit the great grandkids.  Two of my cousins were alcoholics, my sister was an alcoholic, and I was addicted to amphetamines for seven years.  They were by prescription, but the feds stepped in and stopped the prescriptions and I went cold turkey, which was disastrous.  My sister lived in New Orleans and fought and defeated  alcoholism, although I know if I had to keep my mom I would have to drink.  (I know how selfish that sounds).  My cousin was a beauty inside and out.  She had three children and died in her 16-year-old son's arms.  Addiction is tough on families.  

Sounds like your father knew what he was doing.  I just don't want my kids having to take care of me and I want to put that in writing and have a feeling I better do that soon.  We are a dysfunctional family.  I think Cain and Abel were the first dysfunctional family, so it follows that throughout the ages there were many more.  Sometimes even in dysfunctional families you can pull together (my dysfunctional family tries to protect me the best they know how), and sometimes you pull away.

In doing our genealogy we come from small communities in North Louisiana.  We had two names that were puzzling.  Jesse and a male named James.  They did DNA on direct descendants of these two men  and found out they were probably brothers, yet while our separate families grew up and grew old we all thought they were from a different line of the name completely.  What happened that these two, probably brothers, grew up in the same 100 mile radius yet their families never knew they were all related?  Family dynamics in play even centuries ago.  

I wish your family togetherness in your generation.  

[Clematis]

On May 8, 2016 at 7:43 AM, Marg M said:

...I wish your family togetherness in your generation.  

Thank you-that was very nice! I am staying away from my sisters since every contact has been so horribly icky, but it feels so weird to not pick up the phone and call them. But they have both made it clear that they don't want to talk to me. I keep having that experience where you suddenly get this urge to call someone to tell them something, and then you realize that they are dead and you can't call them anymore. Except they are not dead...

[kevin]

Time is always a healer.........don't let pride get in your way and always chose the high road when it comes to Family.......Easy said. I have a last surviving sister that I reach out to monthly, sometimes with results, sometimes without. If anything, I do know the messages got through........Still a friend on FB, that keeps me informed......Never give up...kevin

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kevin! My sister is also a FB friend...in fact I just heard a ding that she posted something. I can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing to see all the stuff she posts, actually it's mostly things she's sharing that someone else posted. It hurts my feelings that she has so much time for FB and superficial friendships with her artist friends, but is unable to find it in herself to be friends with me. I try to keep reminding myself that functionally she is like an adolescent-like my other sister. Also I really don't know what she is going through-or my other sister either-since they have chosen to not communicate with me. The bottom line is that they are both angry with me for my failure to not just throw myself under the bus to execute his estate ASAP so that they can get as much money as soon possible. They weren't close to my dad and didn't care much about him-or me. I am doing the best I can.

[Margm]

Laura, my sister is as different from me as night and day.  She is an intellectual, I am a redneck philosopher.  She loves democrat politics, I hate any politics.  She gives me books to read.  Not my kind of reading.  She is into the foreign ancient  philosophers, I am into Edward Abbey (hey, he has been dead a few years himself).  and outlandish comedy.  We do not agree on much at all.  But, she is a generation behind me.  

[kevin]

Really good this week......my sister gave me a call and we chatted for at least half an hour.....Shared  news on her latest Grand Daughter.Will arrange a visit next spring if communications stay open.....I got news I'm going to be a Grand Father again around mid December.....Just shows, life goes on, and at a  moments notice ,they can change to the good..............Looking for another Positive for next week....

[Clematis]

Marg, That's interesting...I think when you are that far apart in age, it's like you grow up in different families even if you have the same parents. My dad and his brother were 12 years apart; my dad grew up during the depression and WW-II He learned to work hard and fight for what he wanted. His brother was born after the family had become much more affluent and they spoiled him and gave him whatever he wanted. My dad went off to college and his brother took over whatever my dad couldn't take with him. He expected everything to be given to him. He didn't do well or live long. I thought he was cool and loved him as a child, but he didn't really ever grow up...it was sad.

My sisters and I are close in age, but my mother pitted us against each other. My older sister and I have more in common by our basic nature and talents in art and music, but she saw me as competition and when we were young she demanded that I give up music and art and find my own interests. Huh? Not something I could do. My younger sister I have understood. I took an early stance that I would fight for whatever I wanted and never gave it up. She decided that she deserved only the best and the way to get it was through a man with a good income. I moved out west to get away from the family craziness, married, and left when I realized he would never grow up I left. My sisters had kids and lived close to each other. I think they have more in common in lifestyle. My older sister says that she doesn't really understand the youngest any more than I do, but she tries he best to get along. With me, she figures I should be able to read her mind and everything should be easy. I fear we are actually growing farther and farther apart. I think I am going to have to accept somehow that they are who they are and I can't actually change anything...

[Clematis]

That's really great Kevin! It's really good that you've seen a positive change in things with your sister. It must make you feel good...That's interesting what you said about always taking the high road when it comes to family. I think you're right, but it's hard to do when they are continually going for the low blows. I guess for me right now the thing for me to do is do the best I can with the estate and get out of my dad's house as soon as I can because that will be the best for all three of us. 

They are angry with me because I am unable to do the impossible. It's probably better that they are not talking to me. They were unwilling to do anything to help my dad and they are unwilling to do anything to help me. They just wanted his money when he was alive and that's what they want now, is the most possible of what is left. Therefore, they are having to help me pay other people to do what must be done, because it would take me years if I had to do it myself. Nevertheless, it's probably better this way. I think the progress is faster and nowhere as near as messy or emotional as it would be if either one of them were here.

[kevin]

Laura, I just completed the probate process on my late Wifes'  Estate and what money does is not pretty. The Lawyers or Law Makers who make up these rules are definitely in it for themselves...With that said, Money and Greed bring out the worst in most Families when it comes down to the Estate.....Remember, as an Executor , the IRS holds the Executor accountable...lots of fun 

[Clematis]

My dad was an attorney (in patent law) and he went to an attorney who specializes in trusts. wills, and estate law to set things up so that we would not have to go through probate. It would have been good if he had talked to me more about things while he was alive, but the more I see of the state of things in his house, the more I realize that he probably wasn't able to do that (cognitively) but didn't want to admit or let me see how much he was failing mentally. But he named me executor because I live nearby and also because he trusted me. My younger sister is not someone anyone has ever thought could be trusted, and my older sister is like a child. She cannot handle the business of her own life, much less an estate across the country. She was irritated that I was named executor (said to me, "well you WANTED to be the executor!") No, I was selected and named executor. It is not a thrill or a joy. 

I am keeping careful records and consulting with the attorney about what I am doing. I think you are right about the greed-it makes so many people unable to see anything else. It's pretty ugly...

[kayc]

Kevin,

Congratulations!  So happy for you, it is things like this that give us incentive.

[mittam99]

Fact 1:  Life isn't easy in general and our lives after losing our beloved are often filled with a torturous, unyielding pain.

Fact 2:  My life with Tammy was filled with love and joy and laughter and kisses and hugs and snuggles and pleasure.

Fact 3:  My life after Tammy is filled with nothing I mentioned in Fact 2.

Fact 4:  My life these days is filled with emptiness, longing for the past and a lot of going through the motions.

OK, there you have it. My life now basically sucks. I don't have anything that really fulfills me or gives my life meaning. I know you're puzzled. There are really no positives in anything written so far. Read on, it's coming...

So here's the thing. I've always gotten a kick out of helping people. And as my grief journey progressed, I realized that maybe my experience and things I've learned along the way could help others. And so, for the past many months I've tried to not only share my journey with others, but have tried to make posts that might give others hope in theirs. Over the past few months, I've received messages from a number of people who have told me I've helped them. And it's a wonderful feeling to know that something I've said has helped someone.

Today though, I received a message from a member that brought tears to my eyes... happy ones. I don't have much in this new life of mine and pleasure is a foreign word. But, what this person wrote gave me a positive feeling that did bring me a moment of happiness. I hope that person doesn't mind me posting a portion of what they wrote...

Quote

Mitch, you have helped me in so many ways.  You have spoken my thoughts, my pain, and my fears and in doing so I believe I am normal.  That gives me hope. We all need hope.

Your loyalty and dedication to Tammy is awesome to witness here.  You are an inspiration.  I love how you are yourself and you have shown your vulnerabilities on the site.

When I read the part that said I've helped them feel "normal", I cried.That my words could help someone who is in such misery, overwhelmed me (in a good way). Not only did it make my day, it was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me in a long time.

 

[enna]

I think that is what this forum is about ~ helping each other feel "normal." I am so glad you shared this with us, Mitch. We never know when someone's words will give us the boost we need. This is indeed a POSITIVE. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Margm]

Looking for the positives:  I honestly feel guilty.  Yes, this is stupid as they come.  I am doing my regular going from one task to the other, not finishing any task, meeting up with the task I began doing in the first place.  You know regular moving things and putting them in boxes.  I whistled the starting of a song Brianna plays all the time by a group named 5-SOS.  I whistled.  I caught myself and quit, felt guilty for sure, but I whistled.  I went outside and told Billy.  It was a total unconscious thing to do, not even thinking.  First time in over seven months.  I don't know if and when I will do it again.  It felt natural and then bad.  I whistle when I am happy.  I am not happy.  I think Billy would have been happy.  A tiny nonsensical moment out of time.