Our Pets- Consolers (Four Legged, Two Legged, Fur, Finned)

[MartyT]

Yes, Mary ~ I've read your "Daring Greatly" piece, and this is indeed the loss of a dream ~ but I disagree that training and registering Bentley to be a therapy dog is "a small thing." I think it is a very big thing, and to watch a dream you shared with Bill just "crash and burn" (as you so vividly describe it) represents yet another very big loss in your life. Do not underestimate the time and effort both you and Bentley put into this project. The fact that it hasn't turned out to be at all what you expected is extremely disappointing ~ and the worst part is that it has nothing to do with the efforts you and Bentley have invested in it. You've done everything "right" ~ only to discover that this is not at all what you had hoped and dreamed it to be. The hole is round and the peg is square. Who knew? I am so sorry. But your writing indicates your strength and resolve to turn this entire experience into yet another life lesson to be learned. You're asking at a deeper level what all of this means: "daring (greatly) to live trusting I will be fine. Daring to live with trust that what I need, I will and do have. Daring to let go of the fear of not belonging, the fear of solitude, the fear of my life as it is right now."

You are an amazing, courageous woman, Mary, and I've no doubt that your life is in very, very good hands. (If and when you ever begin to doubt that, just ask any of us, and we'll be here to assure you of the truth.) ♥

[feralfae]

Dearest Mary,

I read your Daring Greatly piece, and my heart overflowed.

We are left with so many shared dreams, so much of life's plans from when there were two of us, and now there is only one of us here to use our hands to try to go on. But now we are only one pair of hands, one pair of eyes, one pair of ears, and one set of feet.

One of the hardest ideas I am now facing is that things will not go on as Doug and I planned. Daring greatly to welcome the corners and curves as opportunities to spot new adventures, new life meaning, new ways of interacting with the world feels very strange and, yes, quite frankly, frightening. There is no one else here to help me spot the pitfalls, to talk me through my own fears, or to settle me down when I am ready to run off into a new idea.

You and Bill had a dream for Bentley and for the two of you that was beautiful and wonderful. It was about sharing love from your hearts. Now that you are one, you will continue to find ways to modify that dream and other dreams to fit your life today, and you will find joy and love in ways you could not imagine. Mary, I believe that we must make room for these new dreams, and that they will manifest when we most need them. As I dream here in this sanctuary, I find myself shifting almost hourly between deep, wrenching, extremely painful grief and then hope for better, easier times ahead, with renewed energy and life and a new sense of purpose.

Your sense of purpose is so strong in you that we can all see it. You are a spirit healer of remarkable talent and love. Your capacity for listening, sharing, and mirroring are truly remarkable. I am so very happy that you protected your heart and Bentley's heart by refusing to engage in a fear-based organization. So many organizations are fear-based these days. You are very wise and courageous to follow your heart.

Doors will open. The way will clear. We are all with you on this journey, cheering you on and learning from you, and seeing through your eyes as you recognize, identify, and name the dream and its meaning for your life and for Bentley.

New dreams will come, and you will find more ways to shine for everyone. We carry on.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

You know, Marty, when I typed the word "small" a tiny voice said... it is not small and Marty or someone is going to point that out. I guess in the grand scheme of things lost it feels small but you are right...I would never tell someone their dream is small. It is a loss. And yes, I will and have learned a lot. We never stop learning, do we? And letting go is such a big lesson. Words like 'failure' creep in and remind me of how I felt I failed Bill in caregiving and how long it took to really know (well 99%) that I did my best under the worst of circumstances and that we must never cave in to the "never enough" attitude that dominates our culture. We are one in essence. One feeling or event or dream is essentially connected to another like branches on a tree. Letting go of this dream, letting it become heartwood, hurts deeply and yet letting go of it is saving the tree. The word 'heartwood' keeps going through my mind as I write this because though I know heartwood supports the entire tree there is something else. So I looked it up. "Heartwood is the centermost pillar of stabilization and supports the entire tree system. Ironically this heart is 'dead' meaning there is utter stillness in biological reproduction within this area. This triggers Zen themes. This inner emptiness translates into tree symbolism that sings statements like 'be an open vessel,' 'have an open heart' and 'empty out in order to support our growth.' " Well, now I know more of why that word, heartwood, kept spinning in my mind. Heartwood is dead...letting our dream die (become heartwood) supports my life.

Thank you, Marty, for support and for seeing beyond my fears to who I am. Bentley spent year 2 (2005) until now of his precious life in a stressful situation of illness, Alzheimer's, trauma and grief. Perhaps the last thing he needs is a nursing home or hospital or Hospice. He greets my clients and friends, hangs out with those who want to pet him during a session, sleeps for those who do not. Maybe this chapter in his short life is just about having fun and being loved and of comforting me, a couple of clients, and half the town on our daily walks including tourists.

Thank you.

Mary

[mfh]

Dear fae, Thank you. Yes, this new life is one of letting go, not of the person we lost, but of the dreams we had and the plans we made...and then figuring out the new dream and the new plan. And that most important person, the one with whom we dreamed and planned, the one who helped us by listening and giving feedback, by hearing us and seeing us..is not here. And we walk essentially alone which we always did if we consider existential aloneness...but our soulmates tempered that and we felt hardly alone.

I do believe in doors opening. If i look back...I can not deny that reality. But as you know...we got pretty used to walking through those portals hand in hand with the most important person in our lives. I frequently struggle with the length of this labyrinth. I have walked shorter ones but none like this...as you also have...as all of us have. There is a slight feeling of relief about this decision...mostly, ironically on Bentley's behalf. He panted the entire time we were at the nursing home yesterday. I know he was anxious. A new person popped out of a doorway unexpectedly every few feet. So, it is done. I do not plan to even try more...because i know where this train is headed and we are at the end of the track. Thank you for your input and support. I am so glad to know I help.

Peace

Mary

[enna]

Yes, I also read your piece, Mary and I found it to be 'standing your ground' as you know in your heart is an important thing when you dare to let go of that fear you have - real or imagined. "Small thing" - I don't think so! Marty beat me to that one so I won't say any more!

I stand at the beginning of the line when it comes to telling you - you are a refreshment to my life as I travel my journey and I am so grateful for your unselfish willingness to always be an encouraging voice. Thank you. Anne

[mfh]

Thank you, Anne, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with this feedback. You know I write something, share it and tend to forget that I might get feedback of love and gratitude. I know I will get support here but I forget the compliments that you have all shared. I thank you. And I am more than graced and honored to be a "refreshment" to your life as you travel this journey. Mary bringing you peace and wishes for health.

[mfh]

we dreamed of

walking the labyrinth at Chartres,

embracing a Sequoia,

making art.

i wanted to show you the Alps,

hear Mozart in that Salzberg palace

where once i sat alone,

and yes, work with Bentley as a therapy dog.

death robbed us of those dreams and more;

so much more.

it tramped all over our joy and peace,

and before it stole you away that Saturday morning

it tormented and tortured you until you begged

to be released from its grip; and then it

ultimately claimed you as its own,

and left me longing for your presence.

as i let go of each of our dreams,

the pain tears through me; but somehow

letting go of this dream for Bentley

has left me tormented and tortured

and longing for your presence.

filled with so much meaning,

a sort of mission in honor of your mom and brother,

tortured also by Alzheimer's wicked attack,

leaving us frightened of the day that ultimately

came and claimed all of you, your smile and kindness,

your sensitivity and skills,

leaving me longing for your presence.

maybe Bentley is better off.

he has lived with Alzheimer's and sickness

most of his precious life.

maybe it is time for him to just play

and have a calm and present mom,

playful and hopeful.

maybe his dream

will still come true.

mfh 6-13

[MartyT]

♥

[enna]

Benji's vet called tonight and said that the tests they ran yesterday were all negative. All is fine - no hypothyroidism and no Cushings disease.

I am breathing easier tonight. I feel that a weight has been lifted off my chest. He said that all we have to watch for now is that if IF he has another seizure next month then he will start Benji on antisiezure medicine. He may never has another. I so pray that will be the case.

It has been a ruff ten days but i am so relieved that we checked everything out. Now I know. Thank you for your concern during these days.

Mary, the poem is beautiful - just very beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Anne

[mfh]

Anne, as I said in my email to you...I am relieved and happy for these results. I know that you will live with some caution and even fear that this will happen again but hopefully the further out you get from that seizure, the calmer and more confident you will be that he is ok.

I am also relieved that you are getting a second opinion about Dx and Rx and prognosis. Very relieved. Not that this team is doing anything wrong but with a serious condition like this, another opinion is certainly warranted.

It is 1am and I can't sleep and I know why but that doesn't help me sleep. Time for a book.

[feralfae]

Mary! Thank you ten times for the poem. Perfect for this day, thank you so very much, dear one. I am certainly glad you are going to be writing again for a wider audience. I think you decided yes, yes? With Bentley curled up at your feet, I know.

Dear Ann,

Happy News! Joyful data! I am so delighted to hear that we can all breathe a sigh of relief for Benji and for you.

Also very happy you are broadening your database, dear heart. Good for you.

It has been a lovely day, and I may go write a bit about it over on transformations.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Mary I feel so much for you having to let go of your dream for you and Bentley and of course much of it was also about Bill. I know that after our loved ones are gone from us we search for ways to fulfil the dreams we had together and it sometimes isn't possible to get anywhere near. I do this all the time. Not successfully mostly. Because I'm seeking the impossible. Your wisdom makes me hesitant to even offer any comments when you are way way ahead of me. Bentley has shown you that it isn't a path for him, and therefore not for you either. Cherish him and carry on being the wonderful caring person you are. I don't want to 'gush' (not the English way!) but you do so much good for us by your wise words on this forum that I can't bear it when you have such a set back. I love the poetry and I hope you can quickly come to terms with a change of direction for you and Bentley.

[mfh]

Dear fae, thank you so much. I am not sure what you mean by writing for a broader audience. Thoughts of a book someday roam through my mind but nothing now. I do write a weekly column for a newspaper in Wisconsin and wrote for a Florida paper for many years. We shall see. I am glad you are having some peaceful days in a lovely setting. Peace, Mary

Dear Jan, thank you for your kind words. I guess I do not consider this a set back but rather a step forward though I sense you are referring to the pain I feel and express. Yes, I wanted to do the dream we planned on doing. Bill was so tender with people and with Bentley that the three of us would have been a great team. But alas, it was not all I expected in so many ways. Something that could be simple and sweet got tainted with no only rules and regs, many of which are unnecessary and meaningless but also people who are not ones I with whom I wish to work or be. So I feel my pain and use this experience and feel my pain some more. Thanks Jan.

Mary

[feralfae]

Mary,

First of all, you should be asleep.

I thought you were considering doing a column for the Huff Post. Maybe I missed your decision. Or I forgot.

No matter, just glad someone is publishing your words somewhere.

fae

[mfh]

Ah, the Huff Post. I was invited to write one piece and have not yet done that...so you are right and I forgot about that. I have started it but not sure what direction to take. Thank you.The torte sounds awesome btw.

M

[Queeniemary]

Well I have been off of the computer for a bit. Visited my sister in law in Hot Springs from last Sunday to Wednesday, and things have been crazy since I have been home. Will post about that in another thread. Anne, so very happy that Benji's test were negative, I know that is such a relief for you, and I am very glad.

Mary I am so sorry that the mentor and the organizations turned out to be so "dogmatically" rule bound, if there is not flexibility in a situation then it stagnates. You are doing the right thing, and I think you and Bentley will enjoy it so much more, without all the stress of "rules" etc. Marty is right I think this "mentor" is intimidated by you, and being so strict on the rules is her way of being in charge. I think persons who are so enamored of rules and regulations have very little self confidence in their own judgment. In the past I have worked with a few of that type. My thoughts, and I am probably evil.....just tell her to go to...where it is always hot.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Mary,

I read your piece and I feel that you are daily getting more in touch with your inner self, who you are, what you need and are listening to and adhering to that and I can't help but feel that is a positive step. Your motives are selfless and I can't help but feel you and Bentley will find someplace to visit that will not be all about rules, insurance, etc. but just the enjoyment of someone getting to pet a sweet dog that will enjoy the attention.

You say you don't belong anywhere and I understand the feeling. It's an odd feeling to be someone's world and then just be alone. To share in everything and then have to do things alone. The sense of not belonging anywhere lessens with time as the being alone becomes your norm...it does take a long time though. I don't really think about it too much any more except when something hard hits and I'm feeling an especial need to share with George and...well you know.

[kayc]

Anne, I just got caught up on posts here (you guys were busy last night!) and received your wonderful news! I am elated and I'm sure a big weight has dropped off your chest. I'm so glad for you and Benji!

[mfh]

I spent an hour or so going through the manual for Pet Partners (Delta) and for the local affiliate and the first thing I noticed was that the policy about dogs having a bath within 24 hours of a visit is unclear for PP and rigid for the local affiliate. In hindsight I now recall my mentor saying she fudges some. I learned "fudge" means it might be 26 hours since her dog had a bath instead of 24. Wow!! We are flexible. Pet Partners says if a dog visits often and frequent baths are not good for him one should talk to the hospital or site person and see what their policy is. The local manual is 35 pages and the Pet Partner manual is an inch thick. So if I had any doubts about doing this yesterday...I have no doubts today. I am done with the whole thing.

It is so sad that what is a lovely gesture gets to be one of paranoia. E.G. "A dog can not touch...just touch...a hospital bed...like a paw unless I first go to a staff person, get a sheet or towel and cover where the paw would touch. Never can a pet get ON a bed. Awgh!! If rules do not make sense...well...let's say...I follow with duress if I must...It has been very difficult. I knew this was meaningful because when I had no energy to train and take classes and work with Bentley last year, I MADE myself do it. I did not sleep last night except for perhaps 3 hours so today I am shot. Bentley is.my personal therapy dog and I just need to heal from yet another loss.

Peace and gratitude,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I am so very relieved that you are acknowledging and honoring this loss. What a keen disappointment to approach a situation with love and then to find that the operative emotional tenor of the group and situation is one of fear.

You are so much better off, and so is Bentley!, not being embroiled in the rigid rules, fear-based structure, and controlling mentality of the leaders and organizers. I am so glad you have chosen to stay in your own state of love for you and for Bentley.

I am glad Bentley is there to be your own personal therapy dog through this. I know he feels your emotional state and that he will help you to heal. Good for you.

Much Love

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Mary, I am so sorry this is causing you so much internal pain. I hope you can take your cue from Bentley and not let it bother you. I would not consider giving Arlie more baths than is good for him just because someone else likes to make and live by unnecessary and ridiculous rules. Dogs are not people and they vary as to how often they need to bathe. I got my Lucky girl from someone who told me she needed Allerseb shampoo from the vet and needed to be bathed weekly. I followed that for a while and then decided to skip it to two weeks and found she did much better. Later I discovered that even longer yet was better for her skin and finally I discovered she didn't need the Allerseb, that ordinary wash or shampoo was fine for her. She never suffered from skin problems except when she was over-bathed.

[LarrysGirl]

Sorry, coming into this conversation late but just wondering if visiting nursing homes, retirement homes or children's homes, do they have such stringent regulations?? I had no idea there would be rules, of course safety measures but not strict policy's. Don't make yourself sick over this Mary, you are more important. Deborah

[mfh]

For Queen Mary---this Corgi is ready to play!!

[kayc]

I want her on my team, she's ready!

[mfh]

Sorry, coming into this conversation late but just wondering if visiting nursing homes, retirement homes or children's homes, do they have such stringent regulations?? I had no idea there would be rules, of course safety measures but not strict policy's. Don't make yourself sick over this Mary, you are more important. Deborah

Deborah, sorry for the delay in responding. Thank you for your post. Yes, there are a ton of rules...many make no sense, many do make sense but there is no room for individual judgment. Letting go of this has been hard as it is one more thing to let go of...one more than that held a lot of meaning and of course, tears open the thin membrane that builds up. But I have let go of it...or at least am letting go. I think as we all travel this path through grief and loss, we come upon many dreams, hopes, plans, items, and more that we must let go of and slowly I am learning that no matter what I have to let go of, I never have to let go of Bill even though it feels like I am initially. Thanks for your note. Mary