Talking Heals

[kayc]

Karen,

I understand your desire to have the headstone done. Perhaps just a phone call to prompt their memory and then REST!

My brother made the rough draft of the obituary but it was missing some things. I think I have what I want in it now, I haven't heard back from him. He does that, contacts us and then disappears on us for days. He's in charge. He's the conservator. He was the only one named in her will. It's weird, like none of the rest of us mattered to her. I know it's how she was raised, but...

Anyway, I have to let all that go, it's just kind of nagging in the background.

[enna]

I share this with you today because sometimes we forget that by our sharing of our stories we help each other. My story below is not a positive one but it is the reality of grief. Grief changes us and we all plod along riding the waves of grief the best we can. I stop short of calling my thoughts "whining" for I know I am grieving and tomorrow will take its own course.

Grieving Takes a Different Turn

The reality of grief is that it is always there like a nagging toothache. When we are in the middle of our own grief it’s hard to be open to advice from others. There are times that I just don’t want to hear that it will get better. How can it get better? I don’t have my husband. I am alone. What good is it to make plans to do something fun ~ there is nothing “fun” about my life anymore.

My reality is that when everyone else is out having “fun” I’m left to wonder what it was I did to be ignored. My phone doesn’t ring with someone on the other end asking if I want to go to a show or stop over to visit or go out for a quick lunch or even dinner. While everyone else is mixing with their friends I’m forgotten because my husband isn’t here and people don’t know what to do with me so they just leave me alone. It is very awkward to call someone up and say, “Hey, I’m wondering if you’d want to leave your family and come over for a while and talk?” Oh, I know I can call a friend and go out for lunch but when everyone else is having gatherings with their families or friends it’s not easy to ask someone to leave and spend time with me. It also is not easy when family is out of town and the only contact you have is through phone or Skype. Nor is it easy when you are retired and you live in an active adult community and most here are busy with their families. Being older is quite different than being active with work or family. We are forgotten and left to be alone ~ people really don’t know what to do with us so we are dropped from their circle of friends who used to be our circle of friends. Don’t they know that our loss is hard enough without our having to suffer yet another loss ~ one of isolation.

I do not like the forced isolation that I find myself living in since Jim died ~ the people who we used to go to dinner with or visit with no longer call. I have been left out of gatherings that Jim and I were always a part of so it is very awkward for me to invite these people over since they do not seem to know what to do around me anymore. We were fine to hang out with as long as we were a couple.

I used to brush it off but now that it seems like this is what my life is going to be like I am finding it hard to see any “fun” in my future. I find myself filling my days with things to do but none of them give me a sense of “fun.” With Jim I could laugh and play and be silly. I am so sad that I can’t do that anymore.

At first I was happy that so many people used to say, “I am here” for you. Now I know that it was just a platitude. In reality, there may be only a few who really mean it.

What I am learning about grief is that there is this secondary grief that I am now facing ~ insensitivities, avoidances, loneliness, abandonment, illness, despair…

How do we find meaning in this grief world we find ourselves in when all we want to do is close our eyes and pretend we are somewhere else?

I have lost the desire to look forward to tomorrow. Grief sucks. I am hoping that all this is just feelings and that they will be gone by tomorrow!

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

It is all feelings, and they can shift by tomorrow, but that does not mean that those feelings are not hurting and bothering you today. I think that we have all found this sense of abandonment by our community, neighbors, and couple friends to be hard to take. Doug and I used to make sure to include widows and widowers in our parties, but now, I find that I am very seldom included, and a lot of my friends have gone back to being absorbed in their own families, fur families, and in other activities.

Not working is hard on the social life. We often build our social lives around our co-workers. I know for me, not going to the office, not having an office to go to, has been really tough. The other side of that is that I have had a lot of time to rest and heal. Not having children at home means no social life through them as well. And with family far away and super busy, there is not much family interaction either.

Yes, this is a tough time, and making some adjustments is also very tough. Some days we are happy and proud of our growing independence and our ability to go out and be int eh world, and some days, if you are like me, I just want to curl up and comfort and care for myself, and some other days, I am so lonely for human contact, for a dinner party, for any happy time, that I long to have the energy to have a dinner party.

Anne, we get through these times of being pulled down into the "slough of despond" by coming here and sharing with each other about our days when these feelings of loneliness and abandonment overwhelm us. I used to believe it would get a lot easier, but now I am beginning to believe that we simply find a way to hold our grief so that we can still have some balance in the world, but that the grief is still here, a heavy burden.

I wonder sometimes if my grief drives people away, but then again, especially when I am giving guided tours at the Holter, I get a lot of smiles and nice remarks, so maybe my hypothesis is wrong. Maybe it is just that we have not yet learned how to relate to others a a single entity, all alone, and so we are a bit awkward in social situations. As well, I think having us around, the "remainder" of a couple (one very callous person said, "Oh, this is what remained after Doug left. Remember Doug?" as though I did not count for anything on my own. Ouch!

Come here, natter at us, let it all out, and know that there is probably not one among us who has not felt this loneliness and despair on many days, and I am sure we will all have those feelings on more days in the future. But also know that there is more to life than these hard days, and that some days, you come here with joy and light, with love and beauty, and we all love you no matter which face you bring to us that day.

You have a right to your feelings. Just remember they are your feelings, and not you. This too shall pass.

namaste,

fae

[feralfae]

Hi Karen!
I saw you were here, so I am sending

Happy Thoughts and Healing Prayers.

Much Love,

fae

[KarenK]

Anne,

I love you & I am here for you & will be there physically as soon as Katherine(my grandson's girl from England) has finished her visit.

I do understand where you are coming from. It is as if you are suddenly a pariah. In my case, we had no friends that we "hung out" with, only each other. So I guess I do not miss the camaraderie of friends, but still at times I wonder if I should die tomorrow, would anyone really care? I know that my son loves me, but he has never been one to call & check on me. Only my girl was the one who would do that & she is gone.

And yes, there is very little "fun " in our lives. Or if there is that possibility, so many view us as "too old to do that anymore". Granted, I may need a little help getting on the horse, But I can darn sure still ride it. Which reminds me, do you still ride? That is something fun we could do together when it is cooler. I know all too well that it is not the same "fun" that you had with Jim, but somehow we must create our own "fun". It is only a small respite from our grief, but we must do something to remain sane.

We all love you & please regain that desire to look forward. We are here for you.

Love,

Karen

[mfh]

Anne, Your post most likely reflects the feelings and experiences of many here. I remember saying to someone not too long ago that in these 4+ years since Bill died, I have been invited to go to a movie with a couple all of one time. I rarely get invited to a social gathering but frankly I do not miss that at all. I am not a party person. I have a friend whose husband died and the weekly groups they were a part of never again invited her or notified her of the gatherings after he died. However, she is very involved with her adult children and grands who are nearby. I think all of us have experienced this in the ways you mentioned and probably more. I know I have. It is especially painful when people start discussing their wonderful couple vacations (similar to those many of us dreamed of) or other events right in front of us never acknowledging the pain it might cause....we are as I think you said once before...invisible because we are partly our pain now. I am grateful for the handful I can share with honestly.

I am so glad you stepped up and posted your experience and your pain. I wish I had a magic wand to change society but alas....it is a non-existent tool. I know the weekends and holidays are the toughest. And yes, I agree that most have family or social groups to be with. Like fae, I do not have family nearby and I have no children which so many in our shoes do have to fill the gaps a little bit.

This secondary loss is very tough and very sad. The only solution I have seen is to become involved in something new. My art group is such an thing but frankly that meets two times a month with minimal contact between those two events. Occasionally our group gets together for a museum trip or something but the summer has been very scattered as they have vacations and family times. It has led to some nice friendships but none who gets my loss. I also belong to a book club that I enjoy once a month though I don't read most of the books as they are not my interest. I go for the social contact. I do some lunches with friends, a salad night once a month...and attend a few events like our local outdoor theater and other mostly evening events but I usually have to find someone to go with,, I think because I turn down or say no to many things that I just do not enjoy...so people stopped inviting me. I have made friends with people on line also and enjoy our email contacts. but as you said, none of these are enough to satisfy my needs. I do enjoy them some. There are many things I could get involved in but none interest me. I have learned to enjoy my solitude but miss terribly the life Bill and I had together. The problem is the missing relationship that we could count on, even take for granted...so we belonged there. Now we belong nowhere it seems except at the times we are actually at a luncheon or sharing coffee. Once that ends....we feel like we belong nowhere. I also think we imagine everyone out there is happy and enjoying life while many are not. But that thought increases our feelings of being "left out".

I wonder if a discussion see how others here find some joy and fun in life again alone or with others.

[Wifflesnook]

Anne. I know those feelings. I'm lucky that my family are nearer so I see our little grand daughters every few weeks. And I'm also lucky that I live in a small village where my local history expertise is valued and I have an imprtant role. But my social life was our social life. I can't bring myself to involve myself in events on my own. I need to go with someone else as I always went with Pete. So if I'm not asked I just don't go. And yes, how can we have fun without the person who lightened our lives. I don't think there is much point in spending too much time with happy couples. It only highlights our loss. I think we are better being with people who have suffered similar losses.

I know you, and I know you will bounce back (as far as it's possible) from these low feelings. But I know ....

[mfh]

Karen, it is great to see you here. I think of you often and hope your body is cooperating a bit more.

[KarenK]

Was writing to you guys, a big thunderstorm rolled in, & BAM, I lost the electricity.

Thank you Fae & Mary, for your warm wishes. I am doing okay. just a bit tired from 2 weekend road trips into the "boonies" in Tennessee. We are talking "Deliverance" here, on one of them, road almost a cow path. LOL The other had paved road, just far back in the hills. I did get to ride one of the horses around the yard anyway. I think everyone thought I might break. Heck, I was on a horse before any one of them were born. I do hope Anne's doc will let her ride. If not, we will try & find something else to do.

Had trouble pulling off my boots last night & discovered my ankles were nonexistent. That never happens to me ! I think it's because I quit my BP meds & one of them had a diiuretic. Checked my BP this morning & it was 180/90 so I went ahead & took just the diuretic one. BP is 147/74 now, but will surely get with my doc when I get home so he can figure this out. One of my daughter's friends over on the next farm told me her mother had gotten this crazy Aspergillus in her lungs, lost half a lung, & later died. Gee, thanks for sharing that!

Will be heading home on Thursday evening, so when Katherine returns to England, will get in touch with Anne so we can meet. Went to church on Sunday & said my final goodbye to my baby buried in their cemetery. Still cannot believe that she is gone, but in my heart I know. Too much sadness for me, so I must close for now.

Love,

Karen

[kayc]

Anne,

Your post could have been written by me, for it is what I have found to be true for me as well. I know people aren't avoiding me because of my grief because it's been nine years and I don't talk about it to everyone...mostly to those here, sometimes to family who knew and remember George. It's that being widowed is awkward for other people. When we were a couple, living in a couples world, we fit in. Now we do not. Some manage, like QMary because they know so many people and their lives are full of activities, but for me that has not been the case. I had lots of friends at my old job, then after George died, the business went under and everyone went their separate ways. I didn't have friends at Metro and now even the busyness of going to work is gone. After my mom's funeral and my colonoscopy are past, I will start training as Church Treasurer, perhaps that will give me some more contact with people. But by and large, I've had to learn to adjust to being alone...a lot. My son is 2 1/2 hours away from me and busy with his life now that he's married and working and my daughter has been fairly estranged these last few years, who knows why. So I no longer have a family, for all intent and purposes. And my sister Peggy, I am afraid, is beginning dementia. I do not look forward to the days of it's progression and gradually losing her. As it is, she says weird things and is different than she used to be. It seems nothing in my life is the same as it once was. And while I don't have anything majorly medical, I do deal with Diabetes, Neuropathy, still-torn tendon, Carpal Tunnel, bad eyes, all all of the aches and pains that come with aging. It seems trying to keep fit and healthy is a full time job now. I struggle to find help with the things I cannot do (namely anything requiring getting on a ladder or the roof) as people don't seem interested in helping elderly like we used to when we were young. Times have changed!

We just came off Labor Day weekend...I must have seen a million motor homes and campers go by...all filled with families out having fun. It seemed, everyone but me. I stayed home, the same old, same old, and thought is this all there is? I am not old yet! I have energy in me for a few good years yet, but alas, no one to spend it with and it is NOT the same being alone!

My bestie is moving to TX. I could see this unfolding, as she got a BF from TX, but now she's packing and will be back in Oct. to get rid of what she's leaving behind and close out her place. Gone are the girl times we used to get together and watch a movie or make jewelry or go shopping and out to dinner, or just talk over a cup of cappuccino. I am feeling really sad. I know I need new friends but it's easier said than done for me, I'm a bit of an introvert...I know you can't tell it here, and I didn't used to be, but it's what I am now.

Karen, so good to hear from you and I'm glad you got your BP down. That's something I have to watch although my meds seem to be working okay. That's why I didn't want that horrid doctor in Feb. to mess with them, sometimes it takes years to find what works and then you want to leave it alone!

[mfh]

Karen, I will be greatly relieved when you are home and seeing your own doctor and getting the meds and treatment and diagnosis you need. In the meantime, I urge you to avoid fatigue as much as possible. I do have to add that I am glad you were able to get on a horse

[feralfae]

Mary wrote:

"I wonder if a discussion see how others here find some joy and fun in life again alone or with others."

Maybe we could have a thread on Singing Solo?

Things we find to do to to bring some joy and fun in life again. Mary, you are doing watercolor. Anne does her beautiful art with her pencils. Kay does cards. Jan does history and moths. Harry walks and promotes a very worthy cause. Others are doing other things. I have done some reading on solo survival for spouses. Things to do. I think it would be helpful.

Maybe we could have a thread for this discussion?

fae

[Queeniemary]

Karen, I too will be relieved when you are home and seeing your own doctor. Please take care.

Anne, I just wish I was there to gather you up in a big hug, or drag you back here to Arkansas to meet some of my weird circle. Kay said that I know so many people, and my life is full of activities....I had to think about that. I spend many evenings alone. However, my one big difference from most of you is this...my circle of close friends never consisted of "couples". Mike and I were part of a close group consisting of several gay friends, a couple of young friends (male and female, younger than my daughter), a few couples, one couple older than us , and some younger, and a widow and a widower, along with a few more of a mixed bag. When Mike left us, there was no pulling back, no wondering what to say to me....I was just pulled closer into the group. We got together this past Sunday, at Tom's (widower) on the mountain, and then Monday night same group at a gay friends house in the country for leftovers. These are the people that were cleaning my house when I got home from the hospital the day after Mike died, and have been there for me ever since. Most of them are theatre people, but not all. I am fortunate, and I know it. I really do know it!! However, there are still many lonely nights, and days. I so do not like being living alone, but at the same time, cannot imagine ever living with anyone other than E. Michael. When we talk about him, he is often referred to as E. Michael....that is how his name was always listed in play programs. He disliked his first name (Edwin), and only used the initial. Someone is always starting a sentence...Remember when E. Michael........and so on, and I love it.

Having said all that, there are still many times I feel as Anne does, and Kay, and Mary, that I am forgotten, I probably feel this more with my children than with my friends however. My children are very busy with their own lives, and I am happy for that, but with the exception of my daughter (who lives here in town) I don't really feel a close part of their lives. My daughter, who is in the process of a divorce, has met an older man, whom she has been seeing a lot (met him after they separated), and I don't see as much of her as I did.

Kay, I am so sorry that your best friend is moving to Texas. My best friend lives in Arizona, and we talk a couple of times a week, but I miss seeing her so much. She has been back here twice to visit since Mike died, and I have been out there once. Her husband is in early stages of Alzheimers, and she cannot come here. I want to go there again, but with my sister's health right now I feel the best place for me is near her. I go again tomorrow to spend the day with her. Her progress is painfully slow, but there is progress. She goes next Monday into a nursing home with rehab facilities. She will be there at least 3 months, if not more. I pray the day comes that she gets to go home, and that is not certain yet.

I am so grateful we have this place to come to, and where we can either vent, or at least just let it all hang out. No one has to pretend to be doing OK, whatever that is! Kay was talking about health. Mine, other than just weighing too much, has been pretty good, on the whole. But I am feeling sluggish lately, and really am thinking it is more a mental than physical...maybe just somewhat depressed about Lois, and about little Faith. Trying to lose weight, but cannot get motivated....and keep wondering why bother, who cares besides me! (is that pitiful or what!) Well my pocket book will care when I can no longer wear any of my clothes and have to buy more....

Well, I have "nattered" (as Fae would say) on long enough. Never met any of you, but love you as much as if we were sitting around my table sharing stories and wine! (Oh, good idea, it is after 5)

QMary

[mfh]

fae, I like the idea you presented. Why not start that topic and perhaps a subtitle about how we find joy and fun now that we are solo. some may give and receive some great ideas about how to put some fun and people in their lives. I was thinking about your statement that our work has, in the past, been a source of social life and when the day comes that I am able to identify a passion...with others or alone...pursuing a passion does people as they get lost in it be it painting, volunteering at a shelter, etc. and it also introduces us to a sort of work group.

[mfh]

QMary, I can only imagine the sadness you feel about your sister and your Faith.

As for those alone evenings that so many of us experience...I would say most evenings are spent alone...I was thinking today that even when Bill was in his workshop creating something or when I was reading in a corner....we were not alone and we felt we belonged. That feeling of belonging, of being the most important person in someone's life is a huge piece of this loss.

[ohsosad]

I've always thought of myself as a loner despite being married. Steve and I did many things separately throughout the years, but since he retired, we did spend more time together during the day. Of course sometimes our personalities clashed and we needed a break from each other. Steve did take trips occasionally for his work, and I always looked forward to having a few days or even longer by myself. I thoroughly enjoyed having no schedule and just doing whatever I wanted with no interruptions. But boy, this is different now. This loneliness is a totally new feeling for me. It gives me an awful ache in my stomach. And certainly I do not want to be with other people - it's just one person who can soothe this loneliness and it's not possible.

Rita

[kayc]

How I can identify and relate with each of you!

Rita and fae, I know what you mean...I "lived alone" during the week when George was away at work, but it was quite different than being alone now because he'd call me at noon, call at 5 when I was getting off work, call on his first break and call on his lunch break at night, plus we had weekends to look forward to. Although I'd have rather he'd have been with me seven days a week and I missed him, I was truly okay being alone because he was still there in my life! I've always been independent and self sufficient, but this is different...holding down the fort and being good at some things is totally different than being on your own all of the time.

QMary, of course you have those lonely times, yet I do think of you as being better adjusted because of your active social life and theater group. It makes a huge difference having those wonderful friends and activities. I do wish I could find something that would get me out more. Perhaps I should start a stamping group, it's something to think about.

[mfh]

Kay, what a wonderful idea...to start a stamping group. I know there are some around here and there is a store in Madison that sells stamping accessories and has a space where groups meet to do their work.

Our circle of watercolorists sort of happened. I wanted to learn so a friend sat me down and helped me. Then her friend joined us one day and soon we were 7 called Local Color. We have had many ask to join but we decided to keep it at 7 so there is more freedom to share. Now, this is not a safe safe circle for me but I enjoy the people, consider them friends and do other things with most of them and I get help with my art as the newby there. It is not safe because only one there really gets my pain and she has become one of my safe people and good friend.

The same with a salad circle I belong to...It meets just once a month but I have met and made new friends there. We meet at one person's home and everyone brings an ingredient to put in a salad. We have created some amazing salads. Two hours and we leave so it is not a huge commitment. Easy to start also.

Even if you invite one person who does stamping or art or plays cards or likes to put puzzles together..or whatever....that group of two can grow over time and become a circle of friendship.

When our Rural Musicians Forum held its final concert last week, I found myself with no one to go with and I am still not great at going to these things alone, though I make myself do it and hook up with someone sometimes. Easy in a small village. So I called someone in my book club and we ended up going together. She brought snacks and I brought beverages and chairs as it was outside at a FLW art center. It does demand calling others. I can't sit here waiting for others to call especially since I have so often said no resulting in fewer invites. I also have no expectations any more of people reaching into my pain. I know who will and who won't.

Kay, a great idea.

Here is our Local Color group and as you can see it was taken on a day when I was very sad.

https://www.facebook.com/LocalColorArtGroup?fref=photo

[feralfae]

Mary, you do look so terribly sad. You are the only one of the group not smiling, and I imagine you had forgotten how to smile just then, filled with so much grief as it is leaving your body.

I hope you and Bentley are laughing today.

fae

[kayc]

I think that's great, Mary. I just went into town to get some milk, took Arlie with me, picked up a movie, took him to the park. Stopped and visited with a friend, she invited me to Senior Meals that meets twice a week, they also have Bingo. Not sure I'm up for that, but it's something to think about.

[mfh]

That was taken a long time ago....I can smile now but thanks for your kind words. I was a mess back then...one we would all recognize.

[enna]

The Great Gatsby ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I read one of my favorite books again over the long weekend and as I was reading I couldn’t help but think of how the word loneliness was woven into the characters of the book. Perhaps that is what set me off with the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, perhaps it was the sudden death of Robin Williams, or perhaps it was my own forced aloneness since the death of my Jim.

As I walked the isles of a store, among strangers, it became apparent that this was a place I could forget about the sadness of not having Jim in my life anymore. I could be among strangers and know that the people I encountered would not be staying so there would be no permanence in encountering them. People come and go as I remain in my isolation. I can be in a crowd and still experience the isolation I feel.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I can busy myself with many things to do. Among some of these things I do is volunteer at a Caregiver’s Alzheimer’s Support Group which meets once a month, continue as a coordinator at our community Kare Bear’s center, lunch with the girl’s once a month, spend time with a few friends either shopping or having lunch at least once a month, read to children at one of the elementary schools here in my district, visit seniors in nursing homes as a certified hospice volunteer, I continue to assist college student teachers with how to integrate technology integration into their curriculum, I’ve signed up for classes preparing me for work as an end-of-life doula, I continue to work at playing the piano, I find joy in my colored pencil art work, and I love to be out in the yard trimming bushes, planting herbs and watching nature. I miss our breakfast on the patio as Jim would read his paper and share things he would think important.

Even though I do these things there is still that sense of loneliness. I remain alone in a quiet home at the end of any day. I wake up alone, I have morning coffee alone, I cook for myself alone, and I watch a good movie alone, now. I miss my conversations with my Jim or the spontaneous trips we made to get ice cream or a quick lunch. I miss our rides up and around the mountains here in AZ. I miss being a part of a group that no longer invites me because I am solo now.

I think what is the most heartbreaking for me is that I am now realizing that Jim is no longer going to be with me as he once was. The “fog” is beginning to lift. I am alone and I have to find peace in that reality. I do not like this part of the grief journey.

I know that it is part of the life cycle ~ I also know that there are fewer people who want to hear about my losses. People want to be around happy, friendly people. Most are uncomfortable with hearing about death. I get that.

I guess what is fact is that we do have a place that we can come and be heard and not judged. I really am grateful for the people I have bonded with here.

These are for you, fae. ♫ ♪ ♬ ♫ ♪ ♬

♥ Namasté

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne, I will remember where they are if I need to make a copy of them.

I am sending love and {{{HUGS}}} to you today, and hoping you are out doing things that fill your heart with joy and love, and help to ease the loneliness.

I woke up this morning, thinking of Doug, and loud and clear, his voice came, "I love you very much, and you have my word on that." Doug used to tell people, especially at the office, that his words held their meaning when he wrote (most carefully wrote!) an article or essay. He used words carefully and exactly. So, that message was a great one for me, and although I cried, it was out of loving gratitude for the way he touches me when I need it.

I lost my keys a few days ago, and had put up notices with my phone number, searched everywhere I could think, and had called the paper to place an ad to run tomorrow through the weekend, in large, bold print. I have the keys to put together another set, but I felt vulnerable and careless, and was sort of kicking myself for my carelessness.

This morning, my keys—the entire set, even to the vault—were in my post office box. Someone had found them and turned them in, and Cindy, who works at the PO and whose family are all friends, simply looked up the box number on the PO box key, and put them in my box. Doug and G*d are taking good care of me. My outlook and day are much improved. I forget sometimes how closely I am held when I get upset. Even through all the trauma about what has happened, the silver lining is that I will never, ever have any dealings with those criminals, and that is what Doug wanted me to know. So, even all that happened has been a blessing in a way. And having the keys show up was just an added reminder to trust the process, even if I do not understand it most of the time. You know.

Warblers are still migrating through and frequenting the pond. There are ducks afloat on the Lake, resting before they take off for further south. I have not see any hummingbirds for a couple of days, but then again, I have been pretty busy.

Anne, I think one of the most difficult concepts for humans to grasp and hold with grace is that everything changes, all the time, and there is not much we can do about it but find the lessons, savor the joy, ease the pain, and cherish our own hearts with compassion on those days when we need to be held gently. And the next day, we will be dashed against our strong emotional state, and forget, and then the next we begin to find out way back to hope and faith. What a journey!

I am sending huge sprinkles of *<fairy dust>* to tickle you and make you smile today, dear heart.

Much Love

fae

[kayc]

fae, I am so glad you got your keys back! That has to be a relief.

Anne, You are involved with so much stuff and still you feel lonely. That goes to show that no matter how much we get involved or busy, we still deal with this isolation. We can indeed be isolated in a crowd, I've noticed that at church. Sometimes I think it's even harder, feeling lonely in a crowd.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes I know that feeling. I live in a small village. I walk Kelbi twice a day. Almost every time I meet someone and chat to them. This weekend is a big bird festival which my local studies group will take part in. We are having a table and a space where we can show our publications. I shall probably meet lots of people and talk. But later I go back to an empty house (well not quite empty as it has a dog). But no Pete to talk to, cuddle up to, make drinks for, drink wine with, share thoughts with. An enormous emptiness at the heart. So I am lonely. I will always be lonely. Because I know what it is not to be lonely. I wasn't lonely for almost fifty years. Now I am. And I think there is no magic cure for this. It just has to be acknowledged. And here we do that. We don't say to each other, don't worry that feeling will go. Because it won't go. We will just bravely endure it. We will fill our days with useful and interesting activities. (Anne I am impressed!) but we all long for our beloved ones, and they can't get back physically. I wish for all of you the feeling that they are nevertheless with us somehow. I cling to that hope. Sometimes I can't even bear to look across the room and see Pete's empty chair. You all know ...