Talking Heals

[kayc]

Rita,

I'm so sorry, I know how it feels. We don't get over it. We learn to keep going and try to find some good in life no matter how minute, but it's never the same. It's been since June 19, 2005 for me and just tonight I started to watch "Return To Me" and didn't get far into it and started sobbing. That's how it is sometimes. People who have no clue, people who haven't been through it may expect we should be over it at some point, but not someone who has been there. None of our husbands deserved to die...none of us deserved to lose them. It just happened.

Your journey has just begun, you are at your rawest, it's very tough. It won't stay this intense forever. Like me, you'll have grief bursts, usually when you least expect them, but it won't be every day. You will think about him every day though and talk to him, you will always miss him, that part doesn't go away, we have to learn to live with it. But I tell George all the time, he'd better be the first one I see when it's my turn to go, and he'd better be ready with a huge hug, that's all I want is for him to hold me.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[mfh]

Dear Rita, I am so sorry about the pain you experience/d when the wildlife man asked about your husband. I have had that happen over the four years since Bill died and each one is like an arrow piercing my broken heart. For me it is bittersweet because it always feels good to know people remember Bill and what a great, gentle soul he was/is and that, of course, also causes the pain. Occasionally a phone call would come from someone who did not know he died or a bill would come in the mail with his name on it. I still get mail addressed to him once in a while but now I can smile more through just a few tears when I see his name or someone asks. It does get better with work and time.

[feralfae]

Dear Rita,

Yes, telling others that our Beloved is gone is so very painful the first many years that I don't yet know if we ever recover from being in a position where we must tell someone.

I think it is especially hard for many of us here because we had spouses who were truly wonderful, caring, loving, open-hearted and good people. I think this place attracts and holds people who have such depth of pain and loss with their grief that they need others who can truly hear and grieve with them. Here, around Marty's and Mary's fire, we get the validation and loving compassion we need.

When I was in Alaska recently, I did see a fellow who ran over and asked me where Doug was, because he had not seen us in years while he had been in South American on an engineering job. Right there, in the parking lot of Fred Meyers, the tears began to fall while I told him. He hugged me and had tears in his eyes, too.

Rita, I think that the squirrel-catching man was sweet to say something kind. And you were right to cry and feel the pain. This is a whole new life, a whole new journey, and we don't get to know what is around the corner each day until we reach that turning. Right now, I know it is so very hard for you to face the days. You are very new on this journey of loss, cherishing, and grief. I am so very sorry you had to go through this.

No, I don't think we get over it, and certainly not in a few months. It has been 32 months since Doug left, and I still wake up some mornings crying because I have rolled over and reached for Doug and he is not there. That especially happens when I am having a cream about being with him. It does get easier, and the pain lessens, but for right now, I am really relieved that you are honoring your pain and loss, and that you are sitting with it and letting the healing happen as the tears flow. Someone told me that the tears are there to help wash the pain from our hearts, and I think that is true. Cry as much as you need to cry.

Do not feel that you are not where you "should be" on this journey. You are right where you need to be—grieving, crying and healing slowly, deeply, and healthy awareness. I am just sorry this is not an easy journey.

Peace and healing to you, dear Rita.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Yes, Anne is a truly caring and generous healing presence here. There are several of us here without whom I don't think I would have made it this far, to the point where I actually feel pretty whole some days. Thank you Anne. You are a blessing in my life.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae, I think you are right when you say that we are still here because of our wonderful spouses. We need this site to have our loss acknowledged because outsiders don't understand and never will unless they have lost their soulmate. Does anyone else find it hard to say 'I' all the time when you want to saw 'we' as you almost always did? I never realised how I bracketed us together all the time. It just came naturally because it was always 'us'. I hate that I shouldn't say that and in fact I still do - our house, our daughter, our memories, our life.

I agree that the pain is less, or maybe it isn't there every minute. But when it hits (and it does every day) it's just as hard. I miss my Pete more than I can possibly express. I'm coming up to three years on 7th November since he had the devastating stroke which destroyed our happiness and our lives. I can't understand how I have coped with that. But you all know. We cope because we have no other thing to do. Because they would want us to continue, and would hope that sometimes we can enjoy our diminished lives.

[enna]

Jan said, "I can't understand how I have coped with that. But you all know. We cope because we have no other thing to do."

This journey is not for the weak. I think we cope because we are strong ~ we have a life to live and work to do while we are here. There is nothing more uplifting than to watch how those who have suffered loss deal with it. I know that I am a better person because of the people I have met here ~ your stories have given me the courage to continue my own journey.

Anne

[MartyT]

There is nothing more uplifting than to watch how those who have suffered loss deal with it. I know that I am a better person because of the people I have met here ~ your stories have given me the courage to continue my own journey.

Anne, my dear, you have articulated precisely why I do the work that I do, and why I love it so much. ♥

[ohsosad]

Strong. Not what I feel. I feel so weak. I know it's early but today I thought, I can't stand this pain another minute. I felt like I would explode. That I would die right there on the spot.

Doesn't sound strong, does it?

Thank you for all the wonderful replies. What an awful struggle this is. I want it to end.

Rita

[mfh]

Actually, Rita, it does sound strong because in spite of all that pain, you get up each day and do what you must do; you come here and share and you stick with the journey. I call that strong.

[feralfae]

Actually, Rita, it does sound strong because in spite of all that pain, you get up each day and do what you must do; you come here and share and you stick with the journey. I call that strong.

Yes, Rita, Mary is absolutely correct in her statement. You are wonderfully strong, because you keep bearing the pain, opening to the healing, sharing here with us, and letting us help to carry a little of the pain you can share. Even though you may not feel it at all yet, there is healing going on.

Stay on the journey, and be patient and compassionate with yourself.

It is not every day that our hearts and spirits are broken open. It takes a lot of patience and healing to get back to being able to walk alone. I have been on this journey for 32 months, and I am not at all ready to walk alone yet. I rely on this Tribe, this Fire, to help me heal, to give me encouragement, understanding, compassion, and emotional support. Stay here with us, and be as kindhearted toward yourself as you can be. You need all the kindness you can give yourself right now.

Blessings and Peace for you today,

fae

[enna]

Those who have lost someone so dear to us makes us think that we can't stand "the pain" one more day or even one more hour. I found this on FB today and it does have a message ~ this pain eases, Rita, but it never goes away ~ we who have been on this journey can tell you that it does get just a bit easier. This is where I think our strength come in ~ just by getting up and facing one more day is being strong.

"There will be days when you feel like you're going crazy. You may find that you lose things, are forgetful, can't concentrate. Grieving takes up so much psychic energy that there isn't much focus left for the details of getting through life. However, you won't always feel this scattered on a day to day basis (just smaller episodes less frequently). Be patient and tender with yourself and cut yourself slack as you get through one day at a time." ~ Ashley Davis Bush

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Rita

I don't know if you have yet found Megan Devine but she runs the site Refuge in Grief which I find so helpful. She has a recent post called How grief changes. It's so good and she speaks to my heart. She understands grievers like me who cling to the pain because we feel that we are clinging to our beloved person. I think this may not be wise but one thing I have learnt from this journey is that It is what it is. No one can tell us how to feel. We are all different, our losses are different. Our pain is different. But the more you stay with us I think the more you will realise how much we do share. My grief is sometimes sharp and sometimes less sharp. I don't feel strong but I know that my Pete would be (or is) proud of the way I survive the worst thing that could ever happen, that he died first. And that way I bear the pain for us both. And I do it willingly. Because I wouldn't want him to have to suffer like I do. But I shouldn't end that way. I can still find some joy in life. And oh I wish that for you. It's still so early in your grief. I think you will find help and support here.

[kayc]

I agree...we ARE strong because we DO get up and keep going even though we don't always want to. Courage is not the absence of fear but keeping going in spite of it. It's true for other things too, besides fear. Many times on our journeys we've wanted to crawl under the covers and never come out...but we do. The people here amaze me and it's because of all of you that I can find that spot of courage inside of me and keep going.

[Queeniemary]

Rita, the ladies here have said it beautifully, you get up and do what you have to do, day by day, you grieve, you will always grieve, but little by little it becomes manageable. It will be five years for me in January, and I cannot begin to tell you how much the ladies and men on this site have helped me, by letting me share my feelings with them, and by having such wise words to give back, because of their own journey. We share, we understand, and although each of us is different, and at different places in this journey, we travel together.

QMary

[ohsosad]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by the generosity of all of you who responded to my post. Your encouraging words have comforted me this evening. Thank you to those who shared.

Rita

[feralfae]

Rita, Dear,

This is what we do here, around Marty's and Mary's fire. You are one of us, a sister. This is the Tribe.

With a hat tip to Harry, pain shared is pain lessened, joy shared is joy multiplied. And we learn the language so that we can speak even to our own hearts as well as among our Tribe, with compassion and love. We get to share with others when we need our burden lightened. And we can share the burdens of others, and lighten their loads a bit. It is a beautiful Balance of Grace. And now that Harry started me reading about Callahan's Saloon by Spider Robinson, I have come to think we can help each other handle almost anything. Sadness and joy.

And the joy that is sometimes shared here really tickles my heart and makes me smile. I am so glad you were comforted by our words. There is some special energy around this Fire and I think the energy has several frequencies. Oh, maybe as many frequencies as there are family members of this Tribe. I am so glad that we could help a little.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KarenK]

Hello All,

I am still in the land of the living, although "existing" would be a better description. Thanks Mary & Kay, for your emails. I tend to lay low now unless I have something positive to say. Because my attitude about life started downhill six years ago with the diagnosis of my daughter's cancer, I found very little positive energy in my life and I know I expressed that negativity on CSN and this forum.

I still go about daily activities, but with little purpose. I no longer have the incentive to take care of the yard, truck, house. etc. so I just do enough to make all presentable.

This deep dark hole that I am in has very slick sides. I have certainly accepted the fact that Ron is gone. I finally received the email from the cemetery depicting the layout I had requested. I did not like it. Design is not my forte. I made some different suggestions and am awaiting the new design. There is no rush as he is not going anywhere.

My daughter's death is another matter. I do know that she is gone, but still somehow cannot grasp this. I think of her last days and the hell she went through and it is just too much. There will never be any peace for me on that. Although each Hospice is different, hers was not fit for a dying dog, much less a human. I have spoken to my SIL and grandchildren only a couple of times since I have returned home. I suppose they are getting on with their lives.

I will try to be more present in the future. They say "life is for the living" and maybe someday I will reconcile myself to that fact.

Love,

Karen

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

It is just good to se you here, able to reach out enough to let us know you are still around. I don't know how I could ever reconcile the loss of one of my daughters. My heart hurts for your pain, dear friend. I wish I had better words to give you, but for now, here are some

{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} and all my best wishes that you make it through this terrible time of such deep grief. I am so very sorry for your pain, and for your loss of your beautiful and precious daughter.

Karen, you know we are here to share the journey and to hold your heart as you slowly find your way these days, three steps forward, two back. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotional pain you must be experiencing. I am glad to see you here, and so sorry that for your loss. Please know I am holding you in my heart and in prayer.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

Oh, Karen, it is so good to hear from you. I can only imagine how difficult these weeks are for you. And to know that the hospice services you had were so por only adds to the severity of your pain. I am so sorry. I do hope you will find our support, love, listening ears and caring helpful and take advantage of it as much as you like. We are here for you in every way we can be. Before Bill died he was in the hospital for a while and the care there was a disaster. I got him out of there but he suffered and I think of that often. To know this was your little girl who was not treated well has to. E so very difficult. The only consolation I find when I think of how Bill suffered is to remind myself that he is not suffering now and yes, it took me a long while to get there. Please use us and our love in what ever way you can. Love, mary

[enna]

I am so glad that you are back, Karen. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. So many of us find comfort in being around this fire and being sprinkled with fairy dust or be given words of comfort. Know that we are here.

Anne

[kayc]

Karen,

It's a relief to hear from you. I don't blame you one bit for feeling like you do, you've been through way too much. I never viewed anything you wrote as negative. You're welcome to come here and unload any time, we're here, we'll listen. Don't worry about all the other stuff, it can wait.

[MartyT]

Karen, my dear, my heart hurts for you. We all hurt for you, and we're all so sorry.

You said you'd try to be more present in the future ~ but please don't think of being here as one more obligation you feel required to meet. We just need to know that you are here with us ~ We need nothing more than that from you. We will keep the fire going, I promise. If all you can muster is just posting an emoticon (such as ), that is all you need to say. Sometimes there just are no words, and if anyone understands that, we certainly do.

Sending all our love to you, along with fae's fairy dust, twinkles and hugs

[Queeniemary]

Karen so good to hear from you. There are no words that will work with these feelings you have over the death of your dear daughter. Just know we are holding you close, and wishing you peace. We are here for you, and so very sorry, not only for the terrible loss of your daughter, but for the poor care she was given by Hospice. That is just inexcusable!

QMary

[enna]

Looking Back

29 months tomorrow ~ Saturday October 25, 2014

I spent some time reading some of my earlier posts this week just to see where I have been on my grief journey. Today I’m taking a few minutes to see where this journey has taken me.

Some of the lessons I’ve learned along this path ~

· It is my journey and mine alone ~ yet, I do not take it alone

· The waves or the roller coaster rides are real ~ learn from them and sometimes enjoy them for they do change throughout the grief journey

· The “fog” lifts and it hurts more than when I was in that “fog”

· Sometimes we have to be alone for it is in that solitude that we begin to see ourselves as we are today ~ changed, different, resilient

· Crying is not a weakness ~ it is OK to cry ~ to be sad ~ to be angry ~ to have guilt

· It is important to care for yourself ~ it is NOT selfish

· There are some people who will sit with you and not try to hurry you along your path ~ these are treasured friends ~ they have known grief

· No one grieves in the same way ~ our children, co-workers, or friends do not know how we feel ~ it is important to understand this so you do not judge others for being insensitive ~ most people mean well

· Reading about grief is a “tool” that will enable you to handle most situations

· Sleep disturbances, health issues, finances, death of a pet, social isolation, etc. can challenge our sense of security and confidence ~ these things can exaggerate the grief journey

· There is NO timeline in grief ~ “it takes as long as it takes” to accept the loss

· Reflection/meditation is good

· Laughter is good

· Music is healing ~ “Nightingale Serenade” still brings tears to my eyes; “Let There Be Peace on Earth” “Make Me a Channel of your Peace” “If You Came Back From Heaven” by Lorrie Morgan “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” are songs I go to for comfort ~ music is my mantra ~ today I played our Sympathy in White video we listened to as Jim slipped away and YES, I did cry

· Art is healing ~ I like my colored pencil/marker coloring ~ it is cathartic

· Trying something new (learning to play the piano) has been a challenge

· Support from others on this forum has been a major part of my healing ~ the genuine love and concern for others here shows through on all the posts expressed here ~ we are indeed caring for each other ~ I for one am grateful to you all

· Patience is a new word in my vocabulary ~ allowing myself to mourn now is good

· Significant dates, holidays, or other reminders can trigger feelings related to my loss ~ acknowledging these feelings are ways that can help me cope ~ planning ahead for these special days allows me to remember many of the good times in our lives ~

1. making a special Christmas ornament for the tree

2. baking a favorite bread (Banana Nut Bread) to give or serve during the holiday

3. creating iMovies of our life together

4. making chocolate fudge (Jim’s favorite)

5. making that homemade apple butter to spread on muffins

6. lighting a special candle during the holidays

7. roadtrips to places we both enjoyed ~ even though bittersweet

On this journey I have learned how to share my feelings, to be a good listener, to hold a hand, to be available to others who are in pain, to allow others to be in their own pain AND to accept my own pain understanding that it changes ~ there are good and not so good days on this journey.

I have learned that it is my choice to take hold of my health ~ I am managing my heart failure and my lung function numbers have been in a good range ~ I am off of most prescription medication and my high B/P and heart rate are in the normal range ~ I keep in touch with my cardiac and pulmonary doctors ~ I have become my own advocate.

I miss my Benji but believe that he found me at a time when I needed him ~ I wish I still had him here making me laugh, making me exercise ~ I loved him as best as I knew how ~ my heart is not ready for another dog.

Remembering some of the good times is slowly taking the place of the painful reality of those last years when I walked with my Jim on his Alzheimer’s journey.

I am so grateful for those of you who have walked this journey with me ~ thank you for your encouragement, support, loving kindness, and allowing me to learn from you as you grieve your losses.

To One In Sorrow

Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
and let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand.
Let me come in -- I would be very still beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief. Let me come in -- and hold your hand,
for I have known a sorrow such as yours,
and understand.

~ Grace Noll Crowell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOmZ66lIzJA#t=99

Remember When

[MartyT]

This is wonderful, Anne ~ and I believe it deserves a wider audience. Would you be willing to let me post it on the Grief Healing Blog, as part of our Voices of Experience series? I will include whatever contact information you like ~ including none at all ~ your choice. Let me know via email whatever you decide (tousleym@aol.com) ~ and saying "no" is perfectly fine, too. ♥