Talking Heals

[kayc]

QMary, I hope the family stands their ground and demands the therapy Lois needs! Is it possible she could come home and get a therapist to come to the house? I remember when my sister had her accident that left her quadriplegic, we took care of her at home and had a therapist out, she taught us what to do and we gave her therapy, she just checked in now and then and made adjustments to her therapy. We had a speech therapist out too and she taught us some exercises to give her.

[kayc]

Am not sure where to post this, don't want to start a new thread...

I guess I have to wait a couple more weeks before finding out if the polyp is cancerous or not...am a little disconcerted about the size, it's the size they usually start finding cancer. I don't want to worry but it can't help but cross my mind...

[mfh]

Did they explain why a two week wait. Waiting is so challenging...I hope the results comes back sooner and are negative. Prayers and thoughts for you, Kay.

[MartyT]

Kay, we will be right here beside you as you wait for those results. I would feel exactly the same as you are feeling now: dreading the worst and hoping for the best. You are in our hearts and prayers, that's for sure. ♥

[enna]

I am so sorry that you will have to wait for those test results, Kay. I hate waiting. It is so hard to be positive during a time like this. I wonder if those who are in the medical profession and have a loved one waiting on test results if there would be a two week wait! We wait with you, Kay.

QMary, I hope you found your sister in good spirits today. How wonderful the two of you can sing together. I will be looking for an update on her physical therapy.

Take care as you drive ~ are the leaves changing yet?

[kayc]

Yeah and then the MAIL you a letter! How ridiculously slow is that?!

Yes, QMary, I hope you can update us tonight or at least in the morning. I hope you have a good day together.

BTW, Anne, our leaves are starting to change, they started in August, way ahead of time!

[Queeniemary]

Kay, I hope you don't have to wait that long for your results. Keep positive thoughts. I wish they could take my sister home, they do not have the resources to care for her at home. However, we are considering hiring therapists in addition to the ones in the rehab part of the nursing home. Todays visit was very frustrating. She was more confused, and her voice very weak and hard to hear. 1/1/2 weeks ago we sat several chair lengths apart, and I could hear her just fine. Her quick wit was evident today with my brother and myself, but we could both see that she was just not doing very well today. My brother and I were talking about the day that Lois and I sang a duet, he said, Mary said you sang better than she did....."Naturally" she replied, and cracked us all up.

Not feeling very well tonight. Ate breakfast before I went to Ash Flat, and did not each lunch while there. Got home about 6 warmed up some chili and cornbread, small bowl, and I filled up real fast. Now my stomach is feeling a little sick....may be trying to get something, or maybe just stressed and tired. Going to read my new book, written by my friend Tom's daughter Lelia Eye. It can be ordered from Amazon. It is book one of the Smothered Rose Trilogy, called "Thorny", It is a fractured type of fantasy fairy tale....I did not think it would be interesting to me, but to my surprise I am enjoying it. It is very well written, and a good read. I recommend it.

QMary

[feralfae]

Kay,

I guess you could call in a couple of days and see what they know, then keep calling every couple of days. Sheesh! Not even a phone call from them. So much for compassion and concern.

QMary, I hope you feel better. You have had a stressful day, a long drive, and your need some comfort food. Any of would be tired after a day like you have had.

I hope you are enjoying the book and maybe having some soothing tea.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae, This is a place you can't get ahold of anyone, you have to leave a voice mail and they don't call you back, so I'm afraid I'm at their mercy. It was hard just to get an appointment.

QMary, I'm so glad you had that moment of humor with her, that's cute! It's those things that carry us. Last month when my mom kept trying to talk it was mumbling and so quiet I couldn't hear her, it's disheartening because we want to hang on to every word they say.

My son called and we talked for an hour yesterday, which is unheard of, he is not a talker and usually doesn't have time/patience on the phone, but he suffered through it.

[enna]

A question I ask myself daily ~ How Do I Heal? It takes work. It doesn't just happen. "Lean in..." Tom Zuba says it well. . .

"But how do I heal, Tom?"

1. Set the intention to heal. Even if, especially if, you don't even believe that healing is possible. Lean in even the tiniest bit. Lean in.

2. Create a vision. Picture it. Feel it. Dream it. If you were healing, what would that look like?

3. Take focused action. Identify a next step. Create a plan. Do something. One thing that will move you in the direction of that vision, that picture, that feeling, that dream. Do something.

4. Work your plan. Every day.

Time alone does not heal. And healing is hard, hard, hard work. But it is possible. Believe that.

You were not born to suffer.
And neither was I."

There is a new way to do grief.
And we are the teachers."

[kayc]

So true, Anne. I remember doing that when I lost George, through art...I depicted how I felt, and how I wanted to feel, it was therapeutic.

[enna]

28 Months

Where I am today:

• A calmer person ~ less frazzled ~ not as brain-fried
• More focused on living without the physical absence of my soul mate, yet miss him every day
• More accepting of my situation and not living in a state of only wanting how it was before May 25, 2012
• Able to enjoy some happy moments without “guilt” ~ although it still creeps in and I have to remind myself that’s it’s okay to be happy
• More “in charge” of my life as it is now ~ and this is a daily decision
• Acknowledge that I am important, just as I am, even though I’ve forever changed

My journey has required hard work ~ and is on going ~ it will never be over. I carry a sadness that causes me to weep every time I think of Jim not being here, yet it is a different feeling than what I had in the beginning. All those good memories are clearer now and they give me comfort as I go about my daily life. We do get through this ~ one day at a time.

[mfh]

Lovely and helpful post, Anne, especially for those in the early days of loss....they can see someone 28 months later keeping in mind each one's journey is unique.

You have come a long way, worked so very hard, and I agree...the journey never ends but changes a lot with work and time. I am so glad the good memories feed you and comfort you. Mine do also on many many days.

Peace,
Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Yes I think that I can measure my progress through grief over the same time as Anne's in the way I can feel comfort in my memories. I can look at Pete smiling from photos and I can smile back at him. I know my sadness will be with me until I die. Sometimes it's a soft sadness, sometimes its so harsh I have to suppress it and I'm still good at doing that. But I'm still here. I'm brave and determined to survive as he wants me to do.

[kayc]

Anne, as I look over your list, I realize I am there too, not as frantic, more accepting of what is, living more fully in the moment instead of longing for what used to be. Not that we ever stop missing them or would choose to have them back if we could, but that we have gradually adjusted to our life as it is while remembering and cherishing each moment that was with them. I, too, look for joy, try to make life good. It is not ever the same, nor can it be, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate what is.

[Queeniemary]

Yes, the sadness is always there, but also many happy memories. We had such fun at times, we loved to take road trips. We enjoyed doing community theatre together. I know life will never be like it was before, but I still have a life, and I want to live it. I want to contribute in some small way in my community, but most of all to my family and friends. Little things trigger the bittersweet memories....I ran across an ad saying that this month was the 50th anniversary of the musical "Fiddler on the Roof". Such happy memories, Mike and I played the leads in that musical two different times, separated by about 15 years. Mike sang "If I were a Rich Man" as well, if not better than anyone else I ever heard sing it. I am fortunate to have a DVD with him singing that song for a Theatre Awards Show. I do not play it very often, it makes my heart hurt.

We go on, crippled somewhat, but we go on.

QMary

[kayc]

Fiddler on the Roof is great, I love the music! Plus, my kids being Italian (their dad was), it reminds me of "the family" (I used to have). Italians are funny, I love them all the boisterous talking and gesturing!

[enna]

There is no pain so great
as the memory of joy
in present grief
Aeschylus

As I move along on my grief journey there are things I have learned that have given me strength to move through the “raw” grief to the acceptance of my new life.

· Grief takes work ~ it does not happen overnight and it’s never over

· I will never look at a rollercoaster or the waves in an ocean the same way again ~ my life will always be filled with ebbs and tides and I’ll not always be warned that they are coming

· I’ve learned to listen to my body for it became “sick” during my early grief ~ something I did not understand nor did I realize that it had anything to do with the grieving process

· I no longer try to stop the tears or the screams when they come ~ they do stop and for some strange reason I feel better afterwards ~ I am not ashamed nor do I chastise myself for these moments (sometimes days) of emotion

· I did have guilt and spent time trying to find things that I did wrong while caring for Jim but I have taken to heart the words: “I did the best I could do at the time” ~ this is important to me to remember for my healing

· I am not an author and at times words don’t come out of me very easily so I have found other avenues to express my grief

Ø I work with colored pencil drawings to express my feelings

Ø Music is and had been a passion of mine ~ besides creating PowerPoint videos with various themes I am learning how to play the piano and music is always on in the house

Ø I am allowing myself to sit and meditate ~ something I haven’t really taken seriously during my lifetime ~ there were always other things to do

Ø I am trying to deal with the loneliness that comes over me now that Jim is not here ~ I find outside things to do but I also accept that it is okay to be alone.

Ø Reading, taking classes, having small gatherings over for a lunch or dinner, going out for breakfast or lunch with friends, spending time with family, even getting a haircut or a pedicure have helped me to feel better about my myself

These are only a few of my thoughts today. I am grateful for the help I’ve had along the way. I shall always miss Jim but I know he is still with me ~ for this I choose to believe. I talk to him just as I talk to other special people (my grandparents, parents, siblings, friends) who are no longer here in their physical bodies.

Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I would say you are an author and that you are a role model to those new to grief and to those not so new to grief.

[Joanne Lombaard]

This is my first post as a new member and I need some help. My Dad died on 19 April 2014 very unexpectantly. He was 90 and still independant, driving his own car and living in his own retirement village house. Lately I am thinking of him so much I feel almost haunted. I feel all this guilt that I did not make the effort to see him more often than once a year, I live just 300 odd km away and did not spend a Christmas with him in many years. I phoned him 2 or 3 times a week. Ho do I process this?!

[enna]

Hi Joanne,

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your Dad. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. You asked how you process the guilt you have because you didn’t spend as much time as you think you should have with him.

I think that the first thing to understand is that it is quite common to have these feelings. It’s like a “What if” game we play with ourselves. Like you said, “if only you had made more of an effort to see him, if only I had spent more Christmases with him.”

Sometimes we punish ourselves for all the things we “should have” done ~ and this keeps us from remembering all the good things we did do ~ like calling “two or three times a week.”

Forgiveness is a very real thing in grief. We need to forgive ourselves for all the things we think we didn’t do so we can begin focusing on all the good memories.

Letting go of our guilt helps us to remember many of the wonderful things about our loved ones. With your Dad living until he was 90 is something quite wonderful. There have to be so many good memories. I would focus on those good memories and remember that you did the best you could do. Holding onto your guilt will not change anything. Guilt is a negative reaction to your Dad’s death. You did not cause it and you are not responsible for it.

Here are two web sites written by our moderator, Marty, on guilt that may help you:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Anne

[mfh]

Dear Joanne,

I can hardly add anything to Anne's great response. I do not think I know anyone who has lost a beloved person and not felt guilt about something, including me. We love so much and wanted to be perfect daughters, sons, caregivers, whatever. You called your dad 2-3 times a week. You live almost 200 miles away so that is not a trip we take too often. Sure you wish you had gone perhaps two or three times a year but as I said, we all wish we had done something differently. Not to diminsh your sadness by any means but see if you can focus on all those phone calls you made and how those calls lifted his spirits...that is like 100-150 calls a year...so you did visit that many times....just not by physically driving.

As I said guilt is almost a universal with loss and I think you process it by focusing on your love for him and all those calls coupled with your annual visit. I just know he is smiling about that and would not want you to beat yourself up with guilt that has no foundation. Talk to him, write him a letter of apology and wishes (those helped me) and then write as if it is him writing to you....see if that helps lift some of the guilt. In the meantime, do read those pieces that Anne posted and come back here and see how others have handled guilt. We are all experienced with it, believe me. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

I agree that Anne is a great role model for us. How I admire your tenacity and spunk to take up learning to play the piano, meditation, etc?

I am trying to make this year a better one. I holed up last year, my first year of retirement, and I realize it's not good for me so I am making concerted effort to be more engaged with people and activities. I'm at the senior site two times a week and I do the church treasury one day a week, plus church Sundays, spend one day going to doctor or driving my sister around or something, so am only home two days a week. Much better balance!

JoAnne,

I'm sorry you lost your dad...I don't know if you've read the "loss of parent" section, but there are others there with similar feelings/posts. I lost my mom in August. Losing a parent is quite an adjustment, after all, they've been there all our lives and loved us unconditionally or as close to it as people come. I want to add I would be DELIGHTED if my kids called me 2-3 times a week!

[ohsosad]

I have a squirrel living in my ceiling (sigh) and called the wildlife man to come and rescue it (he's coming tomorrow). He (wildlife guy, not squirrel) was here a number of years ago so he remembered us and asked, how's your husband. I broke down completely and told him he died in June and then sobbed until I quickly ended the call. He was shocked and said, he was such a nice man. Those words just destroyed me for the rest of the day. Yes, he was such a nice man. He didn't deserve to suffer terribly for weeks and then die before he could enjoy many more years.

Just that man saying what he did -- "he was such a nice man." it had a crushing effect on me. Cried for hours and hours.

It's been since June 26th and the pain is still so intense. It's really true what they say about people expecting you should be "getting over it" -- "by now." By now? It just happened. I'm still in shock that he's not here and not coming back. Over it?

Rita

[enna]

Oh Rita,

My heart just hurts for you. We do not “get over” the loss of a loved one. Every time we turn around another “trigger” sets our emotions into overdrive.

I am sorry that the phone call had such a crushing effect on you. These times will surface often and sometimes the only thing we can do is cry. Crying is okay.

I can remember when my Jim first became ill and could not go out anymore I couldn’t go into a store ~ when I did I’d break down crying and have to leave. Several times I had to ask someone to pick up milk or something else I needed because it was just too painful. It does get easier but the pain is always there.

People who use the phrase “get over it” have no idea what the loss of your spouse means. We do not “get over” any loss. We learn to live without them while at the same time always aching for their presence ~ wishing for them to be with us over and over again.

I understand why you are in shock, Rita. After all, your loss is still so raw. I am so sorry.

Anne