Talking Heals

[mfh]

Jan, you make some very good points (imho). No matter how much we get involved, even if it was a time consuming passion, we come home to an empty house. And though we feel lonely and sad (sometimes very lonely and sad and other days when it is not so bad) the bottom line is our acceptance of this gaping hole in our lives. Some people, I believe, handle it better because they are very outgoing, gregarious and extroverted and keep busier than I ever want to be going and doing and being involved. For those of us who are not that kind of person there are fewer distractions and more time alone.

We all need meaningful involvement in life. Our personalities and jobs (if we have one) and other variables determine in large part how our time is spent. But no matter what, there is and will be lonely times on evenings, weekends and/or holidays. We can not be "out there" all the time.

[feralfae]

Yes, I have lived alone before as an adult, after my divorce. I was not lonely the way I am now. I was somewhat relieved to no longer be constantly concerned about my husband's mental illness and its ramifications on our lives. Now I am just purely lonely a lot of the time, for all the reasons we re discussing. No one to sit out and sip a glass of wine in the evenings, watching the birds. No one to open and close the days with me. No one to think about when I prepare a meal, hoping he will enjoy it. No one to do so many things with these days. The loneliness can sometimes overwhelm me, and I just sit and cry, knowing this is my life now.

This is my life. It is not our life any more, it is just my life. I have no idea what the future is going to bring, and all I can do is the best I can each day to have a good day, feel at the end of the day that I have accomplished something worthwhile, even if it is only meditating and writing in my journal. I, too, and not the most extroverted person in the world. I like peace and quiet. I enjoy people, but I need quiet time. When Doug was here, I could be in the studio, he could be at his desk, but we were still connected in some mysterious way that resonated between us, so that I never felt alone. Now, even when I am with people I often feel very alone.

Yes, I don't think we get over this. We learn to bear it. We learn to fill our lives with other activities and people. We slowly become acclimated to the sense of solitude, the feelings of needing to be more self-aware because they are not there to be aware of us, so we must be a bit more on our toes about almost everything.

And I think it is just fine if we need time alone, times of peace and solitude, to sort out, accept, adjust, find a new way of living. This is a tough adjustment, and I think it is going to take just as long as it takes to make this adjustment. I would give anything to have Doug here, but no one can do that for me, so I will just keep taking one step at a time, one day at a time, and be proud of myself when I make it through the day being gentle and sometimes happy with myself.

Here we are. We are making it.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

fae, you post is saying much. I was single until I was 46 years old and lived alone from age 28 to 46 and did not feel lonely. I had a satisfying life, friends, dating, etc. But missing Bill, like your missing Doug and all here missing their beloveds, is a totally different ball game. I enjoy solitude. I do not enjoy not having Bill here for a zillion reasons many of which we are defining here. This is where that magic word, "acceptance" enters the scene along with adjustment as you mentioned...a new way of living, one we did not choose, one we don't really like very much at all but one that is ours and we work around it and when we feel lonely for the person we miss, we shed our tears. Because it is not just about loneliness. It is about the hole, the missing someone special....

[Wifflesnook]

Every word that Fae and Mary just wrote could have been said by me, but not so eloquently. It helps me enormously to read these things written from the heart of fellow sufferers. I think we all live in pain, and sometimes that pain is sharp and sometimes it's dull, but it's always there. Our courage carries us through. I'm always telling myself "Jan you are brave". Because I'm amazed that I have survived the very very worst thing that could happen to me. I've lived on without my beautiful beloved Pete. I function, help our daughter, carry on my research, etc etc. I dare not think though, how I would be if I couldn't talk to you all and listen to you all. We acknowledge each other here. We feel each other's pain but that doesn't increase our own.

[mfh]

Jan, I remember when you started posting and just want to comment that it is so wonderful to see you getting involved in your community, history, and grands while you also allow the pain of Pete's death to live within you. It is, as you know, a delicate balance that I see you doing so well.

[Queeniemary]

At the end of the day, we are alone, that is so true. It is also true that I have a relatively busy life, and a good many close friends, but that does not help when the end of the day comes and I am alone. I miss Mike so very much, and am so grateful that our friends talk about him often. I am going to put little Faith's ashes in a picture box, and set her next to Mike's red rock urn on the bookcase, he would like it, and so would she. Some day, all of our ashes, mine, Mike's Faiths, and probably Sassy's if she does not outlive me, will be put together and buried in our cemetery plot....and no we are not telling anyone at the cemetery that our dogs are a part of the ashes.....

Heading to Hot Springs with my friend Tom to spend weekend with my brother and sister in law. Looking forward to a relaxing time. I am so happy my brother finally retired and I get to see him often. They stayed here weekend before last, and he always thanks me for my hospitality.....I think he is just surprised that I know how to take care of guests...

My sister Lois is being moved Monday to a nursing home, with, I hope, good rehab. It will be a lot further for me to see her, but closer for her husband and children. My sister is a pianist, an excellent one. My niece is going to take a keyboard over, and see if that will help her try to use her hands and fingers more. She is making such good progress, I want that to continue.

Hope all have a safe and pleasant weekend.

QMary

[mfh]

QMary, I agree. No matter how involved and busy we are, we come home alone or if some live with kids or others, we all know that no one really ever can understand our loss. It is ours alone in spite of empathy and sharing with others. I know after those friends leave, even though you sat and talked about Mike, that the silence in the house is deafening....ironically perhaps more in view of the sharing...though that is a huge gift.

fyi when our last Golden died in 2000 Bill and I were close to starting our 2 year RV journey to US and Canada. So we packed Buffy's ashes in the RV and now they are here in the house. I plan to join them with Bentley's someday (hopefully a long way out from today) and then put them in Bill's grave (and right, no one need know).

I wish your sister the best with the move...the best care, the best PT and the best recovery.

[kayc]

It's been nine years living alone for me, for even when I was married to John, he didn't ever live with me. I think my time with John and Jim was kind of a diversion...I could "do my time" if I had something to look forward to on the weekends, didn't have to be alone ALL the time...but in the end, it accomplished nothing. I still had to face the "George shaped emptiness" inside of me and learn to do my time...alone. I think the reason it's harder for us now than it was when we were younger is now we know what we are missing, we got used to sharing in life with that special person and now...well, you know.

Some neighbors are after me to go to Senior lunches on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I may try that. They have Bingo beforehand. We'll see. I don't know, I know I can be alone in a crowd too so I'm not sure if it'll help or not, but I do know that isolation is not the answer either. I just know I have to start trying something.

QMary,

I hope your sister does well at the nursing home, and the keyboard sounds like a great idea!

[KarenK]

I am home & when I walked in the door, seriously considered booking a flight right back to Kentucky. LOL

My house looks like a bomb hit it. House cleaning is not my 19 year old grandson's forte. My floors have not been vacuumed or mopped for 3 months. I am wading through cat hair. My kitchen & appliances are filthy. The cat box was changed regularly, but heaven forbid we should vacuum up all the litter that the cat threw over the sides. YUCH! I had my son remove the toilet seat form the main bathroom & throw it away. Need I say more? Picture a really bad house on an HGTV makeover. I spent all day yesterday washing blankets, etc. from my bed where the cat decided to sleep, vacuuming the family room & kitchen, cleaning the fridge & stand up freezer, & creating a clean space to set groceries. Stopped about 5 PM to clean up, grab a bite to eat, & buy groceries. I Had no TP or paper towels. Thank you, Kleenex! Will take me several days to make this place livable. Only have 7 more rooms to go. I flat out told my son that I will not live anywhere in the same house with them if this is how they intend to live & will not clean up after them. This is why a duplex situation would be best for us. Okay, I am through ranting now.

On the subject of loneliness which has been addressed many times, before grocery shopping, I decided to go to my favorite Mexican restaurant. I had no one to call & invite along so I ate out alone for the first time since Ron left. I definitely don't like it, sitting in the midst of many couples laughing & enjoying themselves, but like so many other things in my life lately, I put on my "big girl pants" & got on with it.

My son works 10 days straight before a day off, so at that point will try & do something with him, my grandson, & his English girlfriend. She will be here for 2 more weeks. My son suggested the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum in Tucson. That will not work unless he boards his dog(which I don't think will happen) as you can't even have pets in the parking lot at that attraction. So they will have to come up with something else.

It is back to reality, so I'll call my doctor on Monday as well as the cemetery. I've already started making a list of many things I need to do. I have boxes & bags of things to drop off at the Hospice thrift store & have decided to go ahead & clean out Ron's closet, another step in my long, far in the future preparation to move out of state. Like so many of us, I simply try to keep busy to keep the tears away. Leaving Kentucky with my baby in the ground was just another of so many heartbreaking things I've had to do lately.

Love You Guys,

Karen

[enna]

Please do take it slow, Karen. I am glad you are home. I am sorry the house was such a mess.

I still have not eaten out alone since Jim died. I order and eat in ~ less lonely for me.

[MartyT]

Welcome home, Karen ~ It's good to know you are back, and that you are safe. I'm so sorry you returned to such a mess, when all you needed was to crawl back into your own nest. Please don't overdo, as you are very vulnerable to getting sick all over again. Those seven other rooms don't need to be cleaned all in one day either, and once you have your "to do" list written down, you don't have to complete and cross off everything at once. ♥

[mfh]

Oh, Karen, the last thing you needed was a pig sty when you got home. I imagine it was a tiny temptation to have your grandson clean while you supervised but frankly, you would probably had to do it over anyway. Amazing how he lived in your absence. Wise decision to never share a house with either of them. Very wise.

I can only imagine how it feels to leave Kentucky after burying your daughter. I am just so sorry.

I hope you are resting a lot as you clean. Glad you will see the MD. Keep us informed of Dx...if you wish.

Peace and lots of naps,

Mary

[feralfae]

Oh, Karen, I hope you can do the cleaning one room a week after the main space is cleared, and that you keep resting and healing.

It is a sad fact of our culture that women are assumed to be the cleaners and cooks a lot of the time. Don't give in. Yes, I think you are right that you need your own space, because any 19-year old who does not have enough sense to do simple cleaning is not a person you need to live with, clean behind, or cook for. I am surprised your son did not come over and help get the house ready for your return, as I am sure they both knew you had been sick and hospitalized.

Maybe this is G*d's way of sending you a warning about living with them. If they have no more consideration than this after all you have been through out in Kentucky, then you certainly want to keep a space of your own. A duplex would be better than actually living with them, but I hope they won't expect you to keep the yard work done. It just sounds pretty self-absorbed and callous to me, but then, I am a ranter about sloppy, messy, non-cleaning people myself, and tend to kick them out and never invite or let them back in my neat home, which is how they would find it. Goodness!

Mostly, I hope you are resting and healing and taking good care of yourself, and I am thankful you could go get your own paper towels and TP, what a horror to not have those at least replaced! Thoughtless!

Just rest and heal. Close the doors to a lot of those other rooms and let them wait. Whatever you do, focus first on healing and resting so you don't get sick again, dear heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Karen, I am so sorry that you found the house in such a state upon your return. You are still needing rest and taken care of and don't need to be cleaning up after other people! I wish i was there to whip him into shape...no disrespect to your grandson, but at that age they just don't get it. I remember after George died my daughter invited her friend out to stay with us...told me about it after he was almost here, it was a disaster. If I went away for the weekend, I'd come back to a destroyed house. Finally had to tell him to leave since he didn't respect my rules. I like leaving knowing the house will be the same when I get back. As you said, it was hard enough leaving your daughter in the ground. I'm so sorry! I hope you clean the space YOU have to be in and leave the rest for later. I'd have half a mind to crack the whip on him to start cleaning, grrr! Easier said than done though, I know.

[KarenK]

Looking for ocean front property? Come to Phoenix metro area. Freak storm dropped 3" to 5+" of rain on us in about 6 hours. Unheard of! Rainfall records have been shattered. Tons of flooding on freeways & surface streets as well as beautiful homes. Most people out here don't carry flood insurance. My heart goes out to them. I must have brought this home with me as it rains every day at my daughter's house.

SHOUT OUT TO ANNE! Are you okay? Was going to call you, but phone lines are so wet & crackling that conversation is difficult.

Did manage to get a doctor's appt. for next Monday. He is booked this week. I am okay. Checking my BP when I feel dizzy. Was going to do some errands today, but will stay in due to flooding & road closures. My house & street is fine. A quarter mile away, the greenbelt/wash has at least 6' of water rushing through it. Many rescues have taken place as water rushed to the rooftops of cars. My son has a snorkel on his jeep. Wonder if he made use of it on his way to work. LOL

On a happy note.....My house is spic & span once again. Am glad as I am stuck here for a while.

Love,

Karen

[mfh]

Karen, Anne posted something on Facebook today showing all the rain you folks had...amazing. So glad your house is ok....that is all you would have needed at this time and glad it is clean but that means you have worked hard all weekend so now you must rest....or I WILL send Anne down there and since she is so close by, it is a real possibility.

[kayc]

I am shocked to hear about your rain...and wishing we could have some of it. The fire is still going strong, and now it's three times as big and no more contained. People have been breathing smoke for four weeks now! I think we could handle the rain, the worst problem from it here would probably be lots of trees coming down...and then loss of electricity. It seems unheard of in Phoenix!

I'm glad your house is clean, Karen, but if one of those boys gets anything dirty or out of place, blop them from me, would ya?! Now I hope you'll obey Mary and rest...or we'll send a boat out for Anne to come pay you a visit!

[Queeniemary]

I am glad you are home Karen, and so sorry you came home to such a mess. Now that you have taken care of the MESS, maybe you can just take care of yourself, and please rest. So glad the rains did not cause you any problems.

QMary

[mfh]

Just in case you need a reminder Karen, if Anne does come...she will wrap you in love; feed you lots of chocolate and gently and lovingly remind you to rest.

[enna]

I had my pulmonary doctor visit today. Besides the usual spirometry test in the office I had to go over to the hospital (out patient) for another BIG test to check on my lung capacity. My % was down in the office so doc ordered this test again. I always smile when I go for this test just because of its name ~ Plethysmography test~ they put you in an air-tight booth similar to a telephone booth for those of you old enough to know what that is and place a nose piece on your nose and a face contraption with this big mouth piece in your mouth. They shout directions to you for about forty-five minutes all the while checking a computer to see what shows up as you are closed up in this box! Thank goodness the booth is clear or I would be out of there.

My lung capacity is still in the moderate range so that is good. I went from a 65% to a 61% which means I continue to use my inhaler and I won't have to walk around with a portable oxygen tank over my shoulder.

My lung problem is due to my heart failure and not something wrong with my lungs. When blood from the heart does not push out forcefully enough to reach other organs in the body those organs start to act up also.

[kayc]

Anne, I'm glad that is over with for now and that you don't have to use oxygen! I don't know anyone that would want to go on that.

Yep, still remember telephone booths!

[feralfae]

Anne, thank you for the report.

Is there any chance that more walking would help with lung capacity? Probably not, since it is linked to your heart issues, and I have no idea, but am just asking. I am glad you don't need to carry around oxygen. Whew, that was a good one to avoid!

At any rate, you are doing well, you are finding joy in each day, doing things, and living a good life.

So we can all be happy for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

I am sorry you had to sit in that box and go through that test. Glad you do not need to carry oxygen around. You must be tired tonight...Chocolate, tea and an old movie!

[Queeniemary]

Yep, remember those phone booths. Anne, glad you do not have to carry around oxygen, and that the test is over with for you. Not sure what is wrong with me, but rather blue and lethargic today. Probably just eat some chili and read. Temperatures are pretty cool here for September, 46 when I got up this morning.

Going to make a 2 1/2 hour trip to see my sister, who was moved to a nursing home in another town, closer to her children and husband, last week. They are not at all satisfied with the rehab in the facility, although the care seems to be fine. They feel the therapy is not aggressive enough. We only have a small window of time where she will do her most improving. They are exploring some other options, but when you are dependent on medicare, etc., your options are limited. The good news is that my sister is always in the moment now, and carries on conversations. My brother will be there tomorrow also. I was not planning to go yet, was waiting for the sore hand and aching side from the fall to be better. However, my niece requested that I come also, so that along with my brother and her Dad, we can all talk about options for Lois. The most optimal would be her surgeon recommending more acute care where she gets more aggressive rehab. She will be seeing him soon, so we are hoping that will happen.

Hope all have a good day.

QMary

[mfh]

Oh, Mary, you have been through so much lately...losing Faith, your sister's illness with all the unknowns and traveling and now traveling more, and then the awful fall....it is no wonder you are feeling blue and lethargic. Chili and a book sounds perfect. I hope you ask (tell?) the surgeon to get her moved to a better facility with the PT she needs now before that window starts to close. Your plate is pretty full right now...I wish you some peace today....you are all in my thoughts and prayers.