Talking Heals

[kayc]

I can't get in until tomorrow but haven't felt the burning pain today. So weird! I barely slept last night!

[enna]

Some of what I am saying here tonight is repeating what I have said in earlier posts but this came to me and I wish to share it ~ I think there is a ray of hope in my writing that was not present a few years ago.

It’s that time of year again ~ the holidays are coming. There was a time that I so looked forward to those days but I don’t anymore. Instead I begin to feel a heaviness around my heart that makes me want to go to sleep and wake up on January 2^nd.

Thanksgiving (November), my birthday, our wedding anniversary, Christmas (all in December), and the New Year are all times that I so miss Jim. He loved this time of year ~ we both did. This will be my third holiday without him. So many memories begin to fill my mind.

The first year I don’t remember what I did! I did not have Thanksgiving dinner like we always did. I celebrated my birthday alone but what was worse was our wedding anniversary ~ I cried most of the day. I think I put the tree up with people around me helping to decorate it ~ Jim loved a tree. He loved everything about the holidays.

That tree didn’t come down until March (a 7 ½ foot spruce) mainly because I found a comfort in it taking up a corner by the fireplace next to Jim’s favorite chair.

Last year I could not put the tree up. It was a time that I spent feeling sorry for myself because I was dealing with some health issues ~ a diagnosis of congestive heart failure threw me into a mindset that perhaps I’d be with Jim before I knew it!

That did not last long ~ I decided to tell myself that with all I went through over the last five years caring for Jim I wasn’t going to let a health issue beat me down.

I spent the beginning of the New Year learning all I could about this CHF and after allowing the medical staff to tell me what to do for a number of months I decided that enough was enough. I did not want to live on medication for the rest of my life so I began to heal myself. Today I am managing my heart failure and I am healthier because of it. Of course, I still see my cardiac and pulmonary doctors but I no longer take eleven medications.

This year I am still not looking forward to the holidays but I have a different attitude about them. I am still not having Thanksgiving at my home but I am planning on working in a soup kitchen here for a few hours on that day. A number of us here in the community that I live in are planning on serving early dinner at St. Vincent de Paul’s (a shelter for the homeless).

I will be happy with my birthday and our wedding anniversary to remain private. There may be a lunch planned for my 72^nd birthday but if I don’t go out I’ll still celebrate it by being happy that I am better (health wise) than I was last year! I promised myself since I live alone that I’d get one of those life alert GPS buttons that all you have to do is push it or if you fall the company knows it and sends help out! I thought it would be a good birthday present from my daughter since she is always worrying about me! J

Our wedding anniversary has always been private. This day is one of my hardest to get through ~ so many memories fill my mind about those forty years we spent together. We so loved each other that nothing was so difficult that we could not talk about it and get through it. Today that does not seem to happen and that is sad.

Christmas is going to be hard this year but I have decided that the tree will go up again. I will not be traveling into IL during the winter but we are making plans for some holiday time with our daughter and two grands to come here to visit. I really hope that my SIL can get away but being an OB/GYN doctor/surgeon makes it difficult. According to my daughter, who is a physician assistant, there have been a record number of new births this year!

It is important to plan ahead ~ something I could not really do the last two years.

I belong to a lunch bunch and we meet once a month for lunch and talks. In December instead of going to a restaurant we are having a Holiday High Tea at one of the ladies homes. It will be fun. I am bringing Raspberry scones – it is a new recipe.

There are usually many different events during this time and I plan to attend a few of them. I love music so the first one I plan on attending is the Holiday Choir who performs here in the community during the holidays. Jim’s last Christmas he was not able to go out much and the choir came to the house and sang carols. Jim sang along and knew all the words (this was amazing since his speech had deteriorated a great deal with his Alzheimer’s disease).

I have been invited to the Phoenix Symphony concert (Holiday Pops) in downtown Phoenix that I have agreed to go to. It will be with family so I feel somewhat safe. I’m not sure which day we’ll be going yet. A light dinner will either be before or after the event. The kids are getting the tickets.

My focus during this time of year seems to be on several people I know who are very ill. A dear friend is battling esophageal cancer. I marvel at what the medical people can do today. After eight procedures he is cancer free at this time but goes every three months for a check up. A young sixteen year old here is facing his death after being told that his osteosarcoma has spread to the point that nothing more medically can be done for him ~ his family is amazing and I am humbled at how brave this young man is as he comes to accept that he will die soon.

A good friend has battled breast cancer and open heart surgery at the tender age of eighty-four. This Thanksgiving I have much to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that.

Something that is important to me this year is that fact that I am slowly learning how to live my “new” life without my soulmate physically present. Two years ago I did not know if I’d make it from day to day. A year ago I began to see a light that it will be possible to live without my Jim. The journey has been tough. Learning about grief has helped me to understand what was happening to me.

January of 2013 I rescued my Shipperke/Poodle, Benji, from a shelter. He was only with me for one very short year. He suffered seizures and finally a weak heart ~ I am still mourning him. I know he came into my life for a good reason but I am so sad that he is no longer physically with me. Some things just make our hearts ache.

Will I always miss Jim ~ yes.

Will there be days that I think I just can’t go on ~ yes.

Will I fall into a sadness that seems impossible to escape ~ yes.

Being here on this forum has given me a place where I can be myself. I have learned from those who have been forced into this grief journey longer than I that there will be days when everything falls apart and that is okay. We are okay. It is a choice we make to be okay. I remember the roller coaster rides and the waves in the ocean. When things get really tough I’ll look up at the sky and I know someone is watching.

For those of you who are new ~ healing is possible. I don’t expect you to believe me but if you are willing to learn about grief and move through the pain you will come to understand what many of us already know ~ life is about choices.

Anne

[kayc]

My dear sweet Anne,

You are inspiring. Period.

I have not had a huge medical issue to deal with like you or fae, but a lot of small ones that I didn't know how I was going to deal with them...alone. When you break your right arm and you live alone and have no kids nearby, what do you do? I don't know, but I did it, and survived it. The same when you break your leg, injure your tendons and don't have health insurance. Somehow I've made it through the difficulties. I've survived losing my job in my late 50s and early 60s when the recession was in full swing and no one was hiring, particularly not my age. I've survived needing a new roof and ramp when I didn't have money for food. I've survived being alone and lonely. I've survived losing best friends. I've survived losing my pets one by one. And all without my soul mate and best friend to talk to. Oh, I talk to him, I just don't get answers! I've spent Christmases and other holidays alone. There've been times I couldn't travel because of a broken arm or leg, or night blindness, or icy roads and freezing pipes. So I spend it alone. I remind myself at least I have a roof over my head (well THIS year anyway!) and my dog and two cats with me and a neighbor down the street that I am thankful for. My kids have their own lives. I no longer have my mom to visit, which is sad to me, but the last couple of years she hadn't a clue what day it was, let alone remember Christmas. I will decorate and put up a tree because I like looking at it but I imagine no one else will see it because no one comes here anymore. It is a lonely existence. I guess it'd be different if I lived in the city where I could help in a soup kitchen or volunteer at an animal rescue, but these are the tradeoffs I make for enjoying the company of deer and elk (and sometimes unwanted company of skunks & cougar). So when I'm alone I remind myself that my life with all of it's good and all of it's bad are MY choices combined. It's hard getting through the holidays. It's a let down. Sometimes you hope against hope that your children will come, but they don't. One has a car that won't make it and the other one's wife wants to be with her family, so I have to get used to that. Last year I had a succession of injuries that kept me housebound throughout the entire holiday season. I missed each and every one. I missed the Christmas Pageant at the church, the Christmas choir, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, everything. I missed the Sugarplum Festival and all of the plans with friends. I hope I don't miss everything this year, but not driving at night anymore means I miss a lot. It is what it is. If my house is warm and the electricity stays on, I'll be content.

Yes, I know about the nights when you feel despair, feeling so alone, feeling no one cares. But I also know when morning comes it looks a whole lot different. My best friend is moving to TX in a week, I will miss her. I'll have to find a new best friend somewhere.

Somehow we go on.

[Queeniemary]

Anne, you always say it so beautifully, and it so resonates in my heart. We do make our choices, we choose to learn to live this life alone, we learn to deal with the grief, and we choose to be happy and find joy where we can find it.

This summer and fall has been such a challenge for me, with my sister's illness, my daughter's divorce, her x husbands lung problem, and the small abdominal aorta aneurysm that I discovered I had....yet through this all there has been joy and happiness. My sister's illness is the greatest challenge, as I can hardly stand to see her so dependent on others, I long for the day she can manage to do the simple things for herself again, as I know she longs also. The hardest part is going through all this without Mike there to be calm and to be there for me. The other hard part is that none of this is in my control......I hate not being in control.

I find that I am enjoying having my daughter and her oldest daughter staying with me. I think I will be sad when they find a house. Having an 18 year old in the house is interesting to say the least!! Kayc I understand about it seeming like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong, but look at you, you are so strong, and have come through so much beautifully. Everything is harder alone, I sure get that!!

Anne thank you for sharing what you wrote, I love to read things that you write.

QMary

[enna]

♥

Thank you for your kind words Kay and QMary. Our grief journeys have been unique. I have learned from you.

[kayc]

I went to the doctor today. It seems everything comes together there, it could be live, pancreas, gallstones, ovary, anything. She is requesting permission from the insurance company for an ultrasound before that can be scheduled and meanwhile, wants me to get blood tests for everything. So I still don't know anything. It kind of scares me but I have to wait, I have no choice.

Waiting...

[MartyT]

Okay, Kay. You wait. We wait with you ~ and we pray. ♥

[enna]

As we wait for Kay to get medical help ~ please check in with us over the weekend. . .

Everyone has a different threshold for pain. We will watch with you.

[JeL]

Something that is important to me this year is that fact that I am slowly learning how to live my “new” life without my soulmate physically present. Two years ago I did not know if I’d make it from day to day. A year ago I began to see a light that it will be possible to live without my Jim. The journey has been tough. Learning about grief has helped me to understand what was happening to me.

Anne,

I warmly thank you for articulating what I live and breathe daily. I post here infrequently; more often, I read and learn.

I was/am unprepared for how much energy this tough grief journey demands. My husband died 13 months ago of a surprise advanced cancer. We had 5 weeks from here to gone. I feel like I'm past "the firsts", preparing for "the seconds", including our 29th wedding anniversary in November.

I believe you are right: life is about choices, healing is possible. You ARE a ray of hope.

Jo

[enna]

Hello Jo. Thank you for your kind words. I send you love as you remember your dear Fred as your 29th wedding anniversary comes up in November. I am sure that you have many memories to fall back on. I found it helpful to write memories down.

You are so right when you say that it takes energy to walk through our grief journeys. I am still tired. This is the hardest job I’ve had in all my 71 years.

You are in your second year of loss now. I am sure that there are days when you think it just happened yesterday. We will always miss our loved ones.

As we move through our days the good memories will find a way to put a smile on our faces. We will laugh at something that only we know why we are laughing. I have had many of those thoughts ~ during the late stages of my Jim’s Alzheimer’s journey he was still able to get to the bathroom with help but he forgot what to do once he got there. I’d help him and before I had him ready to pee he’d start and I’d end up with a wet head ~ now some may think that is terrible but we did not ~ I’d laugh and we’d both head for the shower together to clean up. Memories are wonderful. Another time when his social worker from HOV came to visit she wanted to test him one more time to see what he was able to remember. Well, he only remembered three out of fifteen things on the test but I knew he wouldn’t remember things and he didn’t know he didn’t know them. While visiting Jim asked her if they were going out on a date when they finished. She looked surprised and I told him that you could take her out the next time she came to visit. My point in recalling these two memories is what we were talking about ~ life is about choices.

I could have gotten frustrated and handled it differently or we could laugh about it.

Over the five years of caring for Jim I chose to add laughter along with my crying.

I think Marty mentioned this link to you awhile back and I found it helpful to me. The reality starts to set in after that first year ~ we are no longer waiting for them to come home from work or from the store or from a weekend trip of fishing.

Those who come to this site know grief and we are here to support one another ~ with no time limits.

“Grief in the Second Year: Finding Your Way”

Anne

[kayc]

Thank you for waiting with me. I'm not a good or patient waiter.

Jo,

I'm glad you come here. We couldn't make this journey as well as we do without each other.

[mfh]

Kay, I know waiting is extremely difficult. Know that you wait surrounded by our love. Peace, Mary

[JeL]

I'm back home after a month off work, I traveled to Oregon & Hawaii where I visited friends/places Fred and I used to live 20+ years ago. I was drawn to re-visit where we met, married, owned a home & business in the 80s/90s. And it was good, carthartic, touched by warm memories both comforting and sometimes profoundly sad. Thank heavens for hats and sun glasses, as I was probably quite a site at times weeping as I hiked or sat on the beach alone. I stayed with long-time friends along the way, friends with whom Fred & I shared many adventures in our international sailing days.

I planned the trip as a reward and transition as I begin my second year after Fred's death. I've healed enough from my acute grief and loss to feel my progress this past year: I still miss him every day yet I'm more social, I can honestly answer "how are you?" without crying. I've done hard tasks like sold his business and our boat, learned or hired out home maintenance he always did, began tackling the man caves.... his presence is so very strong there...it's comforting to be in those rooms. I'm thoughtfully sorting through and keeping the special things, purging the superfluous.

You all who precede me on this grief path have shared the challenges of the second year and on; I'm reading the resources, reflecting on what matches my feelings and what may lie ahead. I feel hopeful about my future and sorrow that Fred won't be here to share what we'd planned in retirement. My self-image is shifting from "we" to "me" and I guess that's my work ahead, making that transition with an open heart.

Jo

[kayc]

Jo, you've tackled quite a lot! Where about did you live in Oregon? (I'm an Oregonian).

I'm glad you got this trip in, it's important to have things to look forward to and enjoy. It was very brave of you to visit you and Fred's haunts...as well as tackle some of his stuff. Not everyone is ready this soon.

[shalady]

I agree. It is wonderful you were able to make the trip and have those great experiences. It's only been six weeks for me. I have thought of going to some of our favorite places. The most I could manage was breakfast at Cracker Barrel. It was something my husband enjoyed. When leaving I stopped and sat in a rocking chair. Also something he enjoyed. I put my hand on the rocker next to me and just made it move gently. I had to leave. Went home and cried and cried. It probably was therapeutic or something. Makes me cry right now.

[JeL]

Hi Kay, I visited friends who now live in Coos Bay but we never lived there; I continued on to Hawaii where we lived/sailed/worked for years. It was a very good trip, heart-warming to see friends I haven't seen since Fred died and comforting (with some teary memories) to be where we spent our early years together.

Shalady, I agree, those experiences are therapeutic, small steps on our long path of grief healing.

Jo

[kayc]

I'm glad you have a good time in Coos Bay and Hawaii, and I hope it was far from the volcano!

Shalady, it was very hard for me to go places my husband and I used to go together. I can now, years later, but in the early years, very difficult. My daughter had to grocery shop for me because that was something George and I'd always done together. I felt like a baby, but honestly, it was just too hard.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Just so you know, Anne's beautiful post of September 29, , has been reprinted (with her permission) and appears today on the Grief Healing blog: Voices of Experience: Looking Back ♥

[enna]

Thank you, Marty, for posting my 'Looking Back' journey on your Grief Healing blog. I appreciate the work that went into it and I like the pictures you chose. I laugh everytime i see that picture of Benji before his haircut.

[MartyT]

I just love those picture of your beloveds, Anne ~ both Jim and Benji ~ and I'm so glad you're happy with the post. It is getting a lot of positive response on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest, too. Be sure you check the Comments section at the foot of the post, as well. ♥

[kayc]

I love those pictures too! I can see why you adopted Benji.

[kayc]

Wasn't sure where to post this so decided to resurrect this thread.

I went to the doctor today and got my test results. When she told me everything that was wrong with me, I went into shock, couldn't even think. I was expecting one thing, not a whole bunch of things. I have an ulcer, the treatment will make me very sick and in distress for about two weeks, I'll start it Friday. I have cirrhosis of the liver, they put "due to alcoholic history". WTH! I was so mad! How dare they! I who was a teetotaller for 30 years and only have 1/2 glass wine about once a year. You'd think they could at least ask! I'm going to call them tomorrow and demand they correct it and send corrected copies to the doctor and myself. My doctor said when you have too much fat interspersing the liver it can appear the same as if you were an alcoholic. Nice. So I'm to try to lose weight. I have too much calcium, not sure why. My blood sugar levels are too high. They said my aorta had changed due to hypertension. Not sure when that occurred, probably when I was working for the idiot, but my blood pressure is under control and has been for about a year. I have bone demineralization and degeneration of my spine...I wonder why when I have too much calcium? The doctor said my gallbladder is full of gallstones, but the report says there are two. She told me to call a surgeon to get my gallbladder removed, and gave me a list of numbers. When I called to make an appt. they said I need a referral and they didn't get one from my doctor, so I called the doctor's office and left a message. The thing is, my insurance runs out the end of the year and if I get a new plan it will be a lousy one because I can't afford it so I don't want to put it off if I have to have it, but I have to nag this doctor's office for everything and with the holidays coming, it's not likely I could get surgery before the end of the year. I'm hoping I can get an evaluation and perhaps just get the gallstones zapped with laser. When I asked why I need my gallbladder removed she said because I'm Diabetic. ??? I know lots of Diabetics that haven't had theirs removed! Not good enough answer for me, perhaps the surgeon (if I can get in) can give me a better answer. I have Bronchitis, probably from the wood stove, who knows. The antibiotic for the ulcer should also take care of the Bronchitis. White blood cells indicate infection but only slightly elevated.

Starting back on my Prism Weight Loss Plan. I was on it for several years with great success...didn't regain the weight until I went off of maintenance. Will have to remain on it for life to get the weight off and keep it off.

I know this is more info than anyone wants to read so if you skip over it, I understand. It's more than I wanted to know too.

[enna]

Oh, my dear Kay. No wonder they did not want to give you the results over the phone! I am really sorry to hear about all these things. I also would have been furious with the liver diagnosis ~ how dare they assume. Good for you for speaking up. I certainly would get different opinions before I let someone just zap my gallbladder out! The ulcer and the gallbladder could be what have had you in pain for so long. You have many things to deal with right now. That was a great deal of information for them to throw at you! Weight loss is so hard for most of us ~ especially when we are up in years. You are still young enough. I have not heard of the Prism Weight loss Plan.

I'm sure when you have time to think about all that was thrown at you you'll be able to make good decisions as to where to start.

Anne

[MartyT]

Kay, I know that I am overwhelmed just reading all of this, so I can only imagine how you must feel. I agree with Anne: Before you follow through with any of this, I hope you will seek a second or third opinion. It all just sounds too cut and dried to me. How can this doctor be so sure about all of this? As an example, if she is so certain that you need to have your gallbladder removed, why didn't she go ahead and make a referral for you? The comment about your liver is astounding to me. I know you don't need all of us adding to your frustration as we voice our opinions and share our reactions, but I hope at the very least you'll take some time to let all of this sink in, without jumping to any conclusions about any of it. Something just doesn't sound right about all of this . . .

[kayc]

I have a list of phone calls to make...and nag about. I'll try to get the referral, get an opinion from the surgeon, maybe he/she'll think as I do, just get the gall stones out. I'm going to call McKenzie Imaging tomorrow and demand a correction to my medical records, good grief! I don't mind them calling me fat, I am, but I've never had alcoholism in my history! Do not want that in my records. She didn't make the referral because she's horrible at paperwork/follow through. At least I have, as my sister said, a good base line now. And after a few hours, I read through the whole report (which is lengthy) and understood it. Some of it I had to google the words to find out what they meant. I'm not too worried about some of it as it's moderate and some is to be expected at this age. It was just hitting me all at once with all of that was a bit much.

I am going to try to drive to my son's with my daughter's help Thanksgiving and back home. I will begin my treatment Friday. I gave the church notice that I probably won't be able to help them for a month or so. I'm not going to let anyone lay anything on me right now, I need to focus on my health. And I started my Prism today. I was on it for 4 1/2 years beginning in 1997 I think, and it worked well for me. I know it like the back of my hand and it's a great healthy program. They've gone out of business (I think the CEO got tired of managing the company) this year but I have everything I need, the DVDs, the workbooks, the plans, etc. Most of all, I have all the tools inside of me, I just need to reach down and use them again. I will do it. And maybe all this is for the best, maybe it's all meant to happen to push me into just doing it...losing the weight and getting more energy back, taking control of my life.