MissingMyLove Posted January 15, 2015 Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 The love of my life, my husband of almost 28 years passed away Dec 11, 2014. It's been 35 days and 8 hours. I am so lost. It just can't be true. I don't even know what to do anymore. I am just going through the motions of day to day living. Which, I don't even care if I live or not to be honest. I told my parents that if I die from sadness, don't be sad or cry because I am with my hubby and I'm happy. I'm not suicidal, because I wouldn't do that to my kids. I have read grief books and read articles in forums online and they all say that grieving is different for everyone, they say that counseling might help or grief support groups. I don't think any type of therapy will help me feel better at all...the only thing that could make me feel better is to have my hubby back. I'm not being negative.....I just know myself. It's so, so, so hard because he was my everything. I was trying to put into words to him last year how much I loved him and I came up with this "I love you more than anybody has ever loved anyone" He started saying it back to me and it was kinda like our thing to say. I miss him so much He would and always has done anything for me. His goal in life was to make me happy. He love me SO much, just so much as I did him. He put me and the family before his needs constantly, over and over again. We did everything together - we were so in sync with everything. We had our whole future before us. He never even got to retire. We never got to pay off our bills and just have fun like we planned. Now he's gone and from the looks of things, he's not coming back. I kept thinking there is some mistake, it just can't be true, but obviously it is I never go to say good bye He had been sick for 2-3 years and was doing "ok" for the most part until I found him on the floor. I still can't believe it. I guess I am just writing to write.... Thanks for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. It's so fresh and new and raw. Your still in shock I suppose. I can relate as I just lost my wife of almost 26yrs January 9th of this year. 6 days ago tonight. Shock, denial, sadness, horrible pain, numbness, disbelief. Is all normal I am being told. My wife was my heart, my life, my everything. Everyone here has lost a spouse, partner, significant other. Some very recently like myself. Some, time has passed. But all of us know this huge loss and grief like no other. People are so welcoming and kind and supportive and loving. Please come here any time to this glorious circle of friends. We will walk this journey beside you with any help we can. Again, I'm so sorry for you loss. I don't think therapy will help me either. I just started yesterday. It will take time, maybe lots of time. But it's worth a shot. Please consider it. No you're not crazy. You suffered a most tremendous loss. Hugs, peace, and blessings to your heart... Butch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I hear the pain and see it in your words. No doubt, you are feeling total disbelief. Like you, even though my Larry was sick, we never expected him to die. We thought he would get his transplant and we would finally get to do all the things we dreamed of together. Walking on the beach with our dogs, him getting to see the Dallas Cowboys play, just simple things but when we were together we were happy. I, too, told friends and family, let me go, don't be sad, I will be with him. I still feel that way and I lost him 9 years ago. I miss him every day and when something happens that makes me smile, I immediately think of him, knowing he would be happy too. Right now for you, its one day at a time, a minute at a time. Grieving is a life time process. THIS Site will be a wonderful source of support and comfort. Lots of understanding. If it had not been for the other members on this site and Marty, I would not be here. I didn't want to die but it seemed impossible to stay alive. I am here. It's not easy. I will miss him always and so will you. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Dear MissingMyLove, I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband, the love of your life. This is day-to-day and sometimes hour-by-hour journey. It is good that you found this healing place for those who come here understand grief. Your grief is so raw so please know that whatever your feelings are~ they are normal. We are here for you and we listen with open hearts. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 MissingMyLove, Your post could have been written by me 9 1/2 years ago. My husband died of a heart attack, he'd just turned 51 five days before. I didn't get to say goodbye either. We were so close, we spent all our time together that we weren't working, I've never known a love like ours. We expected to grow old together, that didn't happen. Now I'm lone in my retirement. You don't see what grief counseling could do for you, I hope you'll consider it. It won't change the outcome of having lost him, but it will help you focus and know where to start, it's very hard to pick up the pieces of your life all by yourself...and as you say, your kids need you to, no matter what their age. I'm glad you've found this place, it's a good place to voice yourself, and I found that to be so important, esp. when you feel everything was taken from you with no say so. I hope you will continue to come here I'm very sorry your husband died, we all know how that feels and how hard it is to go on...one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Dear MissingMyLove, My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are hurting so deeply. You will find understanding, care, direction, and prayerfully hope here among many who are suffering the raw grief you suffer now, or have suffer it some time ago. We heal one layer at a time, something like the thin skin of an onion. I will leave the advising to those more capable than I; I just want you to know that I care that you are hurting. Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharirouse Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 I am so sorry for loss but I am so glad you posted. If you want to write to write then go for it. My dad died in September and I was lost for awhile but after about two months the pain was a little better. Scream, cry, beat things (like a pillow) if you need because it helps. Talk to him if you want to. I can relate to how you feel because I sometimes feel like I am still waiting for my dad to come back but I know he cant. I would suggest grief therapy because I finally gave in to it and it felt like emotional purging in a way. It made the pain more bearable. But like you read, grief is different for everyone and we all grieve differently. Keep posting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingMyLove Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you so much to you all who replied with such warm and welcoming messages....Everyone is so nice and I am so, so sorry for your losses. My heart just aches for you all. For those of you who are somewhat religious...did you or are you angry with God? Today has been 37 days now and I still feel like it's the first day. I just keep thinking that I can't believe it, I can't believe it. It just doesn't seem real...even though I know it is. I would give anything, anything at all to see him for one more day, even one more hour. We were always together except when he was at work...it's just so hard, unbearable actually. I feel like I'm am going to just die when I'm at the grocery store and see things that I would get especially for him...like ice cream and even when I see something we'd eat together....I just feel like my heart is ripped apart and I can hardly get through the isle..... The whole trip is always so sad. Then when I pull up to our house, there's his suv, sitting there and again, so sad.... I come into the empty house and nothing. Usually I would yell out to him "Sweetheart, I'm home" (we always called each other sweetheart for 28 yrs) I hurry up and turn the TV on loud for noise. I might get a puppy soon after figuring out finances. Again, just writing to write.....thank you so much for listening and you are all in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 18, 2015 Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband of 38 years in September. It seems like it was yesterday. I am still taking things one day at a time. I understand when you say you cant believe it. When I read what you wrote about the grocery store it was like looking in the mirror. I still have trouble shopping. I still have trouble looking at his favorite things on the shelves. Worse than that is eating at the table alone. Sometimes I stand at the counter and eat. You have found this place and you will read and you will learn what others have gone through. It has consoled me as well as validated many feelings I have. Everyone here has been where we are and only someone who has been there can understand what we are going through. Just remember you are not alone. We are here. I find it is good to just put my feelings out there. I hope you continue to come here and find comfort. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elly57 Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 I'm so sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 It's normal to feel anger, whether at God, the events, or whatever. It usually passes in time as we begin to assimilate our new life. I found that God has big shoulders and can take our anger, He's patient, He knows what we're going through...and He's still there all the time, waiting for us to realize it. He carried me even when I could not pray. he understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Kay, I haven't experienced any anger yet myself. Is that something that might be waiting around the corner for me? I read that there are different stages. I still cry everyday. I cry in private and it makes me feel better, like ok I can breathe again now. I don't think I feel sorry for myself but just sad, I miss Bob very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Shalady, please know that everything you read isn't always accurate and reliable. We who practice in the field of grief counseling / grief therapy have learned so much in the last several years, but you will find that the general public, the media, and many therapists who don't specialize in grief and loss still adhere to and perpetuate the notion that grief happens in stages. Such folks have read or heard about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book, On Death and Dying (which was published in 1969!) and keep repeating what she wrote nearly 50 years ago. We now know that there is no such thing as grief happening in "stages." And not everyone experiences anger, either. See, for example, Is Anger One Of the Stages of Grief?, and be sure to take a look at some of the Related Articles listed at the base of the post, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 Thank you Marty. I will read that now. Most of what I have experienced has been validated here, meaning others have had similar things in their grief. It is nice to know we are not going crazy, just part of the grief process. It also is soothes my soul just to post my feelings, sort of lifts a little weight off my heart. I still never would have imagined this to be as bad as it is. As people say, you really never know until you are there. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 I was addressing Missing My Love when I spoke about anger. Not everyone experiences the same feelings or in the same order, but it is common enough to feel some anger or to feel some distance from God, I was just saying it's okay if a person is feeling that, it'll all come back around in due time. Grief is a process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shalady Posted January 21, 2015 Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 I know Kay. I was just asking you about it as something I might expect. So often my mind goes in different directions. It is comforting to me when I know feelings I have are normal or shared by others. I seem to have gone through and still go through most of what I have read. I know we are all different just as our relationships with our Beloved are different. Maybe those relationships shape the way we grieve in some way. I don't know but one thing I hear most is that the hurt will ease. I am not rushing my grief, just trying to remember that it will ease. I find much comfort in knowing I am not crazy or that my grief is lasting too long. People begin to say I have to move on. They just don't understand. I also find some family and some closer to me are not as understanding and as patient as a few of my close friends are. Shalady Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelywithouthusband Posted January 26, 2015 Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 missingmylove, I lost my husband of 11 years (was together 15) Dec 3 2014. Your post is like words right out of my mind. Everything you said is so very similar to my husband and my relationship. And the other post about going to the store and seeing things that you would have bought for your husband, same goes here. And coming home, to an empty feeling. I feel I am missing part of my own body! It is so difficult! I feel if I am doing something without him I am leaving him out. I do not know how anyone can go on. I also have children and grandchildren. He also loved me sooo much, as I did him. I was his caretaker for many years. It was a lot of work, working a full-time job also. I keep thinking there could have been something I could have done to still have him around. But, like I said, your words are exactly my words in every way. I am thinking of you, as I go through my grieving also, I totally understand. Here is a great big (((hug))) for you. lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingMyLove Posted January 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 missingmylove, I lost my husband of 11 years (was together 15) Dec 3 2014. Your post is like words right out of my mind. Everything you said is so very similar to my husband and my relationship. And the other post about going to the store and seeing things that you would have bought for your husband, same goes here. And coming home, to an empty feeling. I feel I am missing part of my own body! It is so difficult! I feel if I am doing something without him I am leaving him out. I do not know how anyone can go on. I also have children and grandchildren. He also loved me sooo much, as I did him. I was his caretaker for many years. It was a lot of work, working a full-time job also. I keep thinking there could have been something I could have done to still have him around. But, like I said, your words are exactly my words in every way. I am thinking of you, as I go through my grieving also, I totally understand. Here is a great big (((hug))) for you. lynn Dear Lynn, I'm so sorry for your loss and big hug back to you. I am also thinking the same exact thing that you said .....I too keep thinking that there could have been something more I could have done to have him still here. Most days I wish I would have died instead of him. He was the kindest, most sincere, unselfish person I could ever, EVER know.... He did not deserve to have his life over with. It's just not fair. I love him so much, and like you, I feel like a part of body is missing. I just want him back I don't know how people can go either. People always say it will get better....I have no idea how. He is my whole life - and he's gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelywithouthusband Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Dear Lynn, I'm so sorry for your loss and big hug back to you. I am also thinking the same exact thing that you said .....I too keep thinking that there could have been something more I could have done to have him still here. Most days I wish I would have died instead of him. He was the kindest, most sincere, unselfish person I could ever, EVER know.... He did not deserve to have his life over with. It's just not fair. I love him so much, and like you, I feel like a part of body is missing. I just want him back I don't know how people can go either. People always say it will get better....I have no idea how. He is my whole life - and he's gone. missingmylove, thank you for replying to me. My husband was my life and backbone, I felt I could do anything when he was around, now I feel like I am lost. It is not fair! I keep thinking some how I can bring him back, but know in reality it is not going to happen. Can I ask you how old your husband was? My husband was 59, would have been sixty tomorrow 1/28. I had all these plans to enjoy myself with him when I retired (he was retired/disabled). And do all the things we dreamed of doing. It is just soo hard, especially getting rid of his stuff. He was so proud of what he owned, as he worked hard to get what we had. He loved flying r.c. planes, and it is so hard to get rid of them, I feel like I am betraying him. Why does this have to be so difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Lynn, You'll be especially in my thoughts tomorrow as you face your husband's birthday. Trust me, all of us here know what both of you are going through...been there, and we felt the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelywithouthusband Posted January 27, 2015 Report Share Posted January 27, 2015 Lynn, You'll be especially in my thoughts tomorrow as you face your husband's birthday. Trust me, all of us here know what both of you are going through...been there, and we felt the same. KayC Thank you. It will be a tough day for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingMyLove Posted January 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 missingmylove, thank you for replying to me. My husband was my life and backbone, I felt I could do anything when he was around, now I feel like I am lost. It is not fair! I keep thinking some how I can bring him back, but know in reality it is not going to happen. Can I ask you how old your husband was? My husband was 59, would have been sixty tomorrow 1/28. I had all these plans to enjoy myself with him when I retired (he was retired/disabled). And do all the things we dreamed of doing. It is just soo hard, especially getting rid of his stuff. He was so proud of what he owned, as he worked hard to get what we had. He loved flying r.c. planes, and it is so hard to get rid of them, I feel like I am betraying him. Why does this have to be so difficult. Lynn, I know what you mean about this being so difficult. I would never, ever imagine how horrible this would be. What a coincidence, my hubby is the same age as yours. Way too young. We had so many good years coming up. Kids are on their own and we were going to pay off bills and try to have some fun and just relax. He loved to golf and he loved to watch sports. He was low maintenance and very easy to please. Even when I would make a big dinner, he would always comment that he didn't want me to work that hard and sandwiches were fine. He never expected me to work outside the home, he felt like it was his job to take care of the family - he always wanted me to just relax, go out to lunch with a girlfriend or my mom, shop a little, just do girl things and most of all he wanted me happy and he wanted me to feel secure. I felt so loved and he really made my life easy. A few of my friends kept saying I was soooo lucky to have such a good husband and how nice it would be. Now look at me. I have nobody and I never will. I miss him so much. I feel so lost, so sad, so broken..I feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart over and over again - it never stops except when I am sleeping. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Im sorry for your losses. My wife died Jan 9th this year. 18 days ago. She was 50. My life, heart, entire world. I'm pretty lost. But you have my thoughts prayers and sympathies. Butch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelywithouthusband Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 KayC Thank you. It will be a tough day for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy1201 Posted January 28, 2015 Report Share Posted January 28, 2015 Lonelywithouthusband I am thinking of you during this difficult day for you. And I know "difficult" doesn't even come close to describing it. We all know of the gut wrenching pain. ((((Hugs)))) Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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