Shock And Awe

[iPraiseHim]

Day 227. Week 32+ Month 7+ The last 24 hours have been extremely rough.  I woke up with vivid pictures of when I found my wife dead when I came home from work.  I don't know why they are coming back to haunt me now.  I thought I have already dealt with it but it seems now yet another deep round of grief and sorrow washes over me.  I sob uncontrollably to the point of gasping for air.  I recall when I first found my wife.  I was in such shock.  Maybe a part of my psyche is protecting me from the reality of my loss. 

My wife's computer died two weeks ago and it is still in the shop getting repaired.  Apparently the hard drive has failed so miserably that it is taking an extremely long time to copy, save and recover the drive.  I'm told it could take as long as six weeks.

I am still working everyday.And walked every day for ten days.  Three day raining and the last three days, I walked 1 mile. I decided to commit to walking everyday and I would let anything stop me.  Well, the last two days severe thunderstorms. So I haven't been able to walk.  I didn't notice any difference in how I felt physically until today.  My legs feel stronger especially when going up and down stairs.  I have an exercise machine I can setup inside the house.  I need to make room for it so I can exercise on Thunderstorm days.

Meanwhile, I'm planning for this weekend out of town trip next week.  Just getting away to the mountains and look at some fall foliage.  We loved to do that together.  The grief and despair is very deep and rough to handle.  I ask for prayer from  this group that God will help me find a way through this.  I miss my wife so much, you know how that feels. Thank you for your prayers.  Shalom

[MartyT]

[debi.williams]

Dear George, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Like you I keep getting flashbacks of 'the moment' 63 days for me. Initially when it came into my head I was able to block it but not now. 

You are doing fantastically well with the walking. I can only imagine the effort that has taken you. Are you still using the rose oil? I have just started and although it is early days it does lift my spirits a little. 

I think your planned trip is such a good thing, just to change the scenery and have some time to enjoy nature. The grief is inescapable I'm afraid but you have my prayers and no doubt those of many many others that you may find some peace. Shalom George.

[kayc]

George,

I'm sorry you're still being haunted with the memories of that time...it seems they can catch us off guard by hitting us at any time.  Doing what you can to stay in your best frame of mind by exercising, getting away, eating healthy, etc. gives yourself your best defenses.  Good job with the walking!  Lightening is the only thing I won't walk in either, and freezing rain.  Usually I wait a while and it lets up.  It's harder when you're working, you have less window of time.

I hope you're able to recover your wife's files.  I never knew a computer to take that long unless the technician was backed up with work.

 

[iPraiseHim]

Good News.  My wife's computer is repaired. It took a long time for the program to recover the data on the 2TB Hard drive there was only 50 G of data.  They were able to recover and restore it all.  The memories of every website she visited, song, recipes, etc.  I also received payment for all accounts that were not paid on time.  And I was able to walk in the rain (No thunderstorms right now).  I missed not being able to walk the last two days.  I did notice my leg strength is improving.  I'm still having some trouble sleeping but I'm trying to get back to my sleep routine that works. Also. I'm in better spirits today.  Thanks everyone for listening and caring.  It does make a difference!  Shalom

 

[kevin]

Sat is 10 weeks for me and I still can't go to a lot of places  where Angela and I frequented....Invited out to a neighbors for an  early Thanksgiving Dinner, but had to decline.....not ready yet. But I will cook something over the Holidays, Turkey sandwiches and watching football is always good....I have had trouble sleeping lately too, but I do have an early pass to the Gym, so at 4:00 AM if I'm still tossing and turning, I have some place to go......Hope everyone has a good weekend...

[debi.williams]

Today (Saturday) is 9 weeks for me. Woke up at 7am remembering every detail of our last 'normal' few hours together. Remembering every word he said. "You're a wonderful woman have i told you that lately?" Random. Our son sitting on our bed to chat about his plans for the day. We were such a happy little family. My husband stroking our son's arm as we talked.

An hour later drinking coffee downstairs, my husband looking at Google Earth and at some of the places we had holidayed in the past. Me suddenly bursting into tears at the sight of a little villa we had stayed at remembering my mom sitting there. The image on Google earth so clear you could see the swimming pool and the sun beds. My mom's favorite spot. My husband holding me saying 'you are not alone. i am here'

11.30am. Picking up my Saturday newspaper and dropping our son at the subway to meet his friend for lunch, the last time my husband was able to speak to our son. The 2 of us going for lunch,fish and vegetables at a supermarket restaurant, 'do you think there is anyone left in the world like us? Random.

Stopping to look at a little stall selling sale items. Having a good rummage. You loved shopping. "What did you buy?".."Some little tools for Max to fix his bike and a ball of string. You can never have too much string in life" you said.

Grocery shopping. Scolding him when he opened a packet of cookies in the shopping cart and ate one. Him driving fast with the windows down on such a hot day, me dangling one arm out of the car 'slow down I said' 'Don't worry you will always be safe with me' Heading to my office to drop off some supplies for the following week 'you must watch Max (our son) never take your eyes off him. This continent is rotten" Random.

1.30pm Driving home after our chores "we have some wonderful memories with your mom don't we?" You said. Me seeing a beautiful young man help his grey haired grandmother cross the street and saying "Mom should have lived to see Max turn 18...21" Ironic statement. Little did I know YOU my beloved wouldn't see our son turn 16 only a few weeks later. Arriving home. unpacking the shopping. You watching the news 'Have I told you today how much I love you" then taking a little nap; "I feel cold" as I gave you a blanket. It was such a hot day.

3.20pm  You waking up and going into the kitchen. "Dizzy. I'm Dizzy. I feel dizzy' You on the floor How did you get there? There was no crash and you are a big man. "What do you need me to do?" "Get me an aspirin" then "I need sugar".

"I'm calling an ambulance"..."Not yet. Not yet" you said. You vomiting.  Me panicking "what is the number for the ambulance?" (this being a country foreign to both of us) "101" the last words you ever spoke. Wrong number, that was the police. 112 is the number.

Then ambulances, paramedics, doctors filling our home with syringes and monitors and tubes.  Doctor: 'He has had an epileptic fit'  Me "No he hasn't. look at the way he is holding his hand, in a fist" The coughing as they intubated you. "This is not pretty can you leave the room" My distraught son arriving home. The neighbours all staring in shock. You in the first ambulance, Max and I in the second. Driving at high speed through the city sirens blaring. Max and I sitting on a cold hard bench waiting for 2 hours. Shivering in shock. 

"He's had a brain haemorrhage. We are transferring him to Erasmus" another high speed chase through the city. Longer, much longer this time. 3 hours in a soulless room just waiting and waiting. My unquenchable thirst. Max's white face. 

"Can you come into another room with me please" sitting staring at the doctor. "I can't give you any hope. I'm so sorry. I realise that he is only 49. It must be such a shock. Would you like to see him?" 

10pm Holding his hands, Max one me the other. "Hold on my baba. fight for us please my baba" A sudden movement. A jerk of your head. I think your soul left your body via the crown of your head.

You had held on until we were there. You had fought.

"We will run some more tests. Go home. He is on life support. Nothing will happen tonight. I will call you early in the morning." Not wanting to leave you and wanting to run away at the same time and keep on running.

Taxi home in the dark on a hot night. Walking in. The silence. The shock in the air. Discarded bits of tube. Vomit. Your blanket where you left it. The little tools you bought Max. The ball of string.

Over and over it plays. 

[kayc]

George, I'm so glad you were able to save all of the data on your wife's computer!  And I'm glad you received the money owed you.  I hope the storm abate and you're able to walk today.  We got a bit of rain this morning, which we direly need!  My heart is with those on the east coast that are getting way too much, plus the hurricanes.

Debi, it is hard to go over that last bit of time but we do, almost like we're obsessed with it...it will never leave us and we will forever remember every detail of that time.  My heart is with you today.

For those who may or may not have heard, the Umpqua Community College shootings are in my husband's home town, an hour from where I grew up, two hours from where I now live.  He asked them individually their religion, if they said Christian, he shot them in the head, if something else, he shot them in the foot.  Ten are dead, including the shooter.  There have been differing reports of injuries, from seven, or nine, or 12.  Two are listed in critical condition.  One hero stood in the way to protect the other students, he took several hits and is in the hospital but smiling.  He'd had a chance to escape but his one thought was to save others.  He is a young husband and father, please pray for all.

This has all been very traumatic for me, being so close to home, it happened just a couple of days ago...and especially knowing that some mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, spouses, children are going through what we all have all experienced, only in a much more horrific way, that of someone deliberately taking their loved one's lives.  Seeing the news of mothers waiting for hours to see if THEIR child was on the incoming bus, brought me to tears.

[iPraiseHim]

Yes.  I find my heart saddens when I hear of shootings, accidents, and death.  I realized the pain, sorrow and grief, family, loved ones,must go through and this is all part of the stream of life.  Grief has a purpose. It tenderizes the soul.  Shalom

[MartyT]

Yes, George. Well said. Amen.

[debi.williams]

Dear KayC thank you for your kind words as always. They mean everything.

Below is a piece written by a lady whose children go to college in Oregon. That so many souls have been taken so senselessly diminishes us all. I echo everything said by KayC and George

"Dear Shooter. 
In the lonely darkness of your mind they lurk waiting to seize your life. Fear, pain, isolation and inadequacy--how you fester. If only you'd experienced human compassion, understanding, received assistance with your deep wounds, healing of your emotional pain, your separateness, your self-loathing. Instead, you wear the bitter cloak of anger, of painful hate. You wield and wreathe with the burning need to blame, to punish, to hurt like you hurt. Your pain kills others and with each shot you try to deaden your own disdain, to obliterate yourself. You have fulfilled a dark prophecy, forgotten your light, and created for yourself an empty shell. Now, way beyond the point of return, may God have mercy on your soul and take up where others have failed, where you have failed yourself. We pray for all souls lost and those taken too soon."

[kevin]

Deb, was your Sat. July 25th?....................There seems to be a lot of us with that week as an anniversary entering into Widowland.......Well got to get cleaned up, put on a face, and go to Church.....Everyone have a good day....

[Jay Pea]

Debi.williams,  I found your 9 week post above very moving.  My husband died after a 2 and a half year battle with cancer and it still seems a shock.  Thank you for sharing your story in such an honest way.  We sincerely never know what any day will bring us.

Jacki

[debi.williams]

Hi Kevin, not July 25th but Saturday 1st August so the following weekend was the day that changed everything.....as you so aptly say the entry into Widowland

Dear Jacki, thank you so much for your kind words and I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I don't think it matters how long we may have to 'prepare' for what comes or in my case no time at all, the shock is ever with us. I don't know when your husband passed Jacki but how can we ever be ready to lose our soulmates? Indeed you are right, tomorrow is promised to no one. I wish you strength x

[Kpl48]

It was one year on October 2 that my husband, Andre, died. We all suffer from losing our wives or husband's. I've read this entire thread (is that the name?). All of your shares helped me as I'm getting through this day. I'm home all day. I can't bring myself to go out or get out of bed even. I don't want to go on without Andre. But I must. When I want to die, thoughts of my dog, Fonzie, being left alone give me the will to live. Even though I have good connections with most people, Fonzie has remained closely by my side since the loss of my husband. 

I'm retired, so I don't work. I do go to support group (not grief, but they understand) meetings almost every day. I'm an overeater and a member of Overeaters Anonymous (a 12th step group). It's a physical, emotional and spiritual recovery group. I've lost 100 lbs and maintained that loss for two years now. Members in the meetings I go to have become friends. I've been able to share about my grief many times during this last year. People have been very supportive. 

It's my personal life I'm having a lot of trouble with. I'm not taking care of my home, although it looks neat and clean. That's because I don't really use the house much. I can't bring myself to sit in the living room, where Andre and I spent so much time. I do only the most necessary 'paperwork.' I don't take as many baths as I should, but I do keep myself clean and very presentable. I don't take my dog on walks; he has a dog door and an outside dog run. I could be doing so much more.

I do eat healthy and I drink plenty of water. I do push myself to go to my meetings, therapy and my grief group. I have two online grief support groups I participate in. I'm so grateful I was led to this site. I do reach out to others to participate in life. I guess I'm doing the best I can, but I want to do better. 

I'm grateful we have each other here. I get so much out of reading the shares here. 

Kristine

[MartyT]

Kristine, I'm pleased to know that you're finding some of the support you need here. I hope you're also finding and reading some of the informative articles we share with one another, too. I know you are searching for what you can do to help yourself at this point in your grief journey. Here is a piece that you may find helpful: Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief ♥

[Guest]

I also entered widowerland that same week. July 29, so I will be at ten weeks day after tomorrow. It has been the longest ten weeks of my life. Time has been warpedbecausebit feels like eons and yet like minutes all at the same time. 

[iPraiseHim]

I am preparing for my mini-vac trip. Last night a friend called desperately asking for prayer and comfort.  He was experiencing deep distress and fear that he was dying.  His wife was on the way and I prayed and asked him a few questions to make sure he and the child with him was safe.  The sound of panic and stress is very startling and reminds me how fragile life is and we need to count each day as a blessing to be alive.  his does not negate grieving but does put life in perspective for me. My nephew and his wife and children are visiting so I'll be able to see them tomorrow.  My tears do, in some way lubricates the grief transition time of my life .I'm still missing us.  it is not the same now as it was when y wife was alive. Life is different. I am different.  Thanks for listening.  Shalom

 

[debi.williams]

I am so sorry George to hear about your friend and I pray that all will be well. Please update us when you are able. Life is indeed so very fragile and so are we. That he turned to you in his hour of need shows what a wonderful soul you have.

It will be good to see your nephew and his family and to get away on your trip. Travel safely George and as always I wish you strength and love.

[kayc]

I hope things go better for your friend, please keep us posted.

[iPraiseHim]

I had a wonderful trip that I planned to write about sooner but my life got so busy this week.  Besides work, I had two estimates and the  taxes to finish last night.

My friend is still having some episodes but the Naturopathic Doctor diagnosed it as an inner ear infection and is being treated.

My sister has continuing problems with her left eye. She has viral conjunctivitis,  which is very painful.  After a round of medications, she found her eye getting worse and she had an allergic reaction to the medication.  She works with third grade special ed children who have the conjunctivitis.  Now she has more medicine and must be off work for two weeks. Her cataract surgery was planned in two weeks.  

After having such a great weekend, I find myself going back into a deep funk again.  I couldn't even make myself go for a walk today.  Praying that tomorrow will be a better day and  in a better mood.  I have work scheduled all day tomorrow.

I learned tonight about how our gut health can affect our moods and the importance of getting the right food and nutrients. I have not been eating the healthier foods for the past week. Slipped into old eating patterns.  Please pray.  Shalom

 

[kayc]

I will pray for you, George.  It's easy to slip back into old patterns, esp. when we are feeling down and feel we need a pick-me-up...trouble is, the high feelings are momentary and then we feel worse afterwards...so then we eat more to console ourselves and it's a vicious cycle.  I've learned to just commit to a fresh start and keep going.  

I'm glad to hear your friend's news!  I'm sorry about your sister...I hope it doesn't delay her surgery long.

[iPraiseHim]

Day 249. Caught cold Tuesday.  Work challenges yesterday and today.  I still haven't written about my wonderful trip but I've been so busy.  Then today I start remembering in vivid detail of happier times with my beloved wife, Rose Anne,  before the diabetes made her two weak to work or able to do much (last six years).  They are good, memories, smiling memories.  Now if I can just get my nose to stop running like a faucet or then just stopping up.  And I still break down and cry at times. I have noticed I can listen to smooth Jazz (my wife's favorite) and it gives me joy now instead of pain.  And I could eat a mail that we used to eat together that I could enjoy instead of it reminding me that she is no longer here. 

I can hear her daily reminding me constantly, to " wash my hands, and keep them away from my face". 

Also, she would pray over me daily, " Lord be with you and keep you safe.  Protect you from slips and falls and let the work you do show the love of God to our clients. Then bring my husband safely back home to me". 

God did that.

Interesting memories. 

Shalom

[kayc]

George, I'm having my cold right along with you.  A lady at the senior site hugged me Tuesday and I later found out she was sick.    

[debi.williams]

Dear George and KayC hoping you are both on the mend and feeling better xx