kayc Posted January 10, 2016 Report Share Posted January 10, 2016 It used to be that way for me too, but it's been years since I've felt like it was just yesterday, now it feels more like a million years ago. I do understand what you're saying though, Brad, it seems to be one of those timeless things. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 11, 2016 Report Share Posted January 11, 2016 I so often wish that there will come a point in time when this grief will be much less constantly wrenching and nightmare-ish.........and I could just "click off" and fast forward to that future point....instead of having to endure this hell. I guess all of us would wish for that. "Doing grief" is damn hard work....it colors every facet of your life! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 11, 2016 Report Share Posted January 11, 2016 3 hours ago, WolfsKat said: I so often wish that there will come a point in time when this grief will be much less constantly wrenching and nightmare-ish.........and I could just "click off" and fast forward to that future point....instead of having to endure this hell. I guess all of us would wish for that. "Doing grief" is damn hard work....it colors every facet of your life! Me too! I had a couple of moments yesterday but I forced myself to block them out. It wasn't easy. The silence and wanting to talk to my sis so bad sometimes feels like torture. I just miss our conversations so much. It most definitely colors every facet of your life. How do you just one day start to live your life as if you never had this person in it? You don't. So many empty voids where she used to be, it's like jumping over pitfalls everyday. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted January 11, 2016 Report Share Posted January 11, 2016 WK and HH, you both put words to the agonizing void I feel with my Andre gone. When I'm with others the intensity of my grief fades a little bit. Once I'm alone again, the grief rips my heart out and the void left by Andre's death is more than I can bear. Crying seems to comfort me when I feel such agony. May home and in the car alone is especially bad. I want him to still be here with me. That he isn't hurts so much. I know he's dead and in knowing/accepting this I want to die so we can be together again. This might sound odd, but the fact that no one I know would take my little dog and knowing my dog would be broken hearted without me (as I would be without him), I turn away from death. I know Andre wants me to live a good life and I believe suicide could keep me from reuniting with him. When will this agony lessen. Those that are more years into life without their loved ones, say that they do find peace and are able to build good lives. They never forget their loved ones though. I wish I could do this now! Distractions relieve me of my deep grief. I have a lot of friends now and get out of the house on most days. Today I'm home and will have to push myself to go out. I plan to take Fonzie to the dog park. I feel so all alone without my Andre. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Dear HH, in these couple of weeks when I am working 9hs, I can concentrate and be taken by the rush of office work without thinking nor having a moment left to feel the grief. However, the daily rush of modern life that is supposed to fill and distract us, and help us, I find it a manifestation of emptiness itself. I just feel empty in any case. Not being able to call my BF is so hurting sad. Now I am part of the world again but it doesnt make sense nor I see anything special about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Day 329. 47 weeks. Time keeps marching on even when I want it to just stop to remember when. I'm still having some reality bite episodes deal with my wife's death; flashbacks, etc... I have starting a new endeavor that takes up a lot of time, thought, preparation, and practice. in just a few more days it will be elven months. I find no one is keeping track of the day my beloved day and that's because she mattered to me the most. I'm working on getting more physically fit and building my endurance. I know she will never return and re-enter my life on this side of the world. I'm working on getting my precious soulful heart to accept this loss. My work keeps me busy. This month there are so many take forms to fill out, taxes to pay, and paperwork that is due. In addition to timelines, deadlines, and expiration offers. I do ask for prayer of healing and peace, for my sister, Sharon. She is having cataract surgery on her left eye, Tuesday mid-morning. She has a few medical issues (COPD),etc.. The surgery has been delayed twice already due, to bronchitis, and other issues. She is a very loving sister, that checks up on me and my father (we are both widowers). I'm expecting good results. Thanks for listening. Shalom. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 Doing some thinking today...that is always dangerous.......I had to retract or rethink why we decided to retire in this area. Nothing has changed in the Geography of the area and after 7 years we were slowly getting established ,,,,,,I can connect to any of my children in 12 hours by Auto.......6 hours by air....so I am close enough. Within 10 years I will move to a large center ....But my oversized accommodations is hard to justify...........just 4-5 days of removing clutter, donating cloths and books makes a difference. Walking around the property with the dog ,I see all the improvements we made over the years, very hard to walk away........going to pay dues at Golf course tomorrow, paying 5 years in advance for storage, so that will hold me in place a bit......nothing earth shattering,which is good....... PS picture of my Year round Christmas Tree(check out the Star!) 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 19 hours ago, WolfsKat said: I so often wish that there will come a point in time when this grief will be much less constantly wrenching and nightmare-ish.........and I could just "click off" and fast forward to that future point....instead of having to endure this hell. I guess all of us would wish for that. "Doing grief" is damn hard work....it colors every facet of your life! That is so true, Kat! I find I am being stalked 24/7 now. I'm familiar with this happening. No matter how many times I come out of it, when it returns I feel it will never end. I do as much as I can during respites, but I don't trust them. Always waiting for it to crash in, and it does. I wish I could envision that future point. So far, no luck. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 9 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: I do ask for prayer of healing and peace, for my sister, Sharon. She is having cataract surgery on her left eye, Tuesday mid-morning. She has a few medical issues (COPD),etc.. The surgery has been delayed twice already due, to bronchitis, and other issues. She is a very loving sister, that checks up on me and my father (we are both widowers). I'm expecting good results Dear George I hope your sister's surgery went well as expected, and she is doing okay! You are fortunate to have a caring sibling in your life, I am sure she is a blessing to you! Good to hear you are working on taking care of yourself, as well.....Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 16 hours ago, Kpl48 said: I know he's dead and in knowing/accepting this I want to die so we can be together again. This might sound odd, but the fact that no one I know would take my little dog and knowing my dog would be broken hearted without me (as I would be without him), I turn away from death. I know Andre wants me to live a good life and I believe suicide could keep me from reuniting with him. I've often felt just like this.....in the first horrible early days, I prayed to die....even researched suicide methods on the internet....but, like you, I was afraid that in actually doing that might preclude me from being reunited with Connor....and that would be even worse than death! Also knowing our two spoiled furkids would be left behind.....Connor loved them so much. And knowing that Connor would be SO upset with me even thinking that way! I came to my senses....especially when it hit me just how horrible my death would be for my 3 kids....experiencing this myself, as a very loving Mum, HOW could I even think of inflicting that grief upon them? So....working on this whole process.....the pain is still there, but the immediate wish to die is not. If it happens naturally, I am ok with that....but it will not be by my own hand. Unacceptable. Praying for comfort, peace, and respites from this pain for you, me....all of us here in this forum! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 12, 2016 Report Share Posted January 12, 2016 George, praying for your sister, please let us know how she's doing. Kevin, Your tree looks beautiful. It sounds like you both had an oasis, and I know it's different when your spouse leaves sooner than you'd expected. I feel it too, this is not what I'd planned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 Thank you for your prayers. My sisters surgery went fine. Her eyes are still dilated so everything is blurry. It takes time for the medicine to wear off for her. She will go tomorrow for a follow-up checkup. I'm going to sleep earlier tonight to get more rest. Thanks, all. Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 I'm sure all will be fine with her, I'm glad the surgery went well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 On 1/12/2016 at 7:34 PM, scba said: Dear HH, in these couple of weeks when I am working 9hs, I can concentrate and be taken by the rush of office work without thinking nor having a moment left to feel the grief. However, the daily rush of modern life that is supposed to fill and distract us, and help us, I find it a manifestation of emptiness itself. I just feel empty in any case. Not being able to call my BF is so hurting sad. Now I am part of the world again but it doesnt make sense nor I see anything special about it. Me and my sister would occasionally text each other at work. She worked at a school at got off at 3pm, so I'd start texting her then too. She'd text me early in the morning before she went to work sometimes. We were in each others days all day pretty much, so it wasn't just at one time of the day I talked to her. Not having that feels so empty and alone. As someone mentioned here before, there are a million little things each day you do or see where you want to mention it to your go-to person. No one to laugh over something with, joke with. Just nothing. I watch my TV shows and no one to discuss the show with, the characters, what they did. Just nothing. That is a hard adjustment. I talk to myself sometimes. It's just sad and lonely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 HH, I know what you mean. It is just sad and lonely. There is such a painful void in my life. Losing them is such a tragedy for us. Thankfully we have each other on this site. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 13, 2016 Report Share Posted January 13, 2016 KPI48, I think I would have lost the rest of my mind had I not had this site. Losing my sister also makes me realize how much she really was the main one I talked to everyday. I'd text and chat with a couple of ex-coworkers, but it really was nothing compared to how me and her talked. Losing her really did make me lose my entire social life. And that's even sadder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 11 Months. I have been in better spirits this week and experiencing some joy. I have been steadily working, and started a new hobby that requires much study, attention, and focus. Last night, was the first time I've gone out to eat at a restaurant alone. Felt a little self-conscious. I enjoyed the dinner. I tried to pretend my wife was sitting across from me but that just didn't work. I usually just buy take out occasionally. This is a restaurant that my wife and I had not been to. I am slowly realizing that my heart needs to accept the fact that she has passed. I am working on exercising more, getting better rest, eating healthier. Starting a new hobby has really helped me to focus on today. And giving me the desire to improve some other areas of my life. I still miss my wife deeply. I remember her. She has helped me to be a better person. More loving, more caring, more extroverted. Now I hope her organizing skills will rub off on me. Shalom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 I know what you mean about getting your heart to accept your wife has passed. That's what is going on with me too. Today I drove home with tears flowing calling out my husband's name (Andre, Andre, Andre...) as if that would return him to me. When I got home I sobbed and sobbed. My life seems so empty without him, despite all my new friends and daily activity. I've started drawing pictures of my feelings again, which is helping me on this new journey. I made a slide show with music on my iPhone. Pictures of my husband mostly. I cry and feel our love each time I play it. Doing this helps me grieve and brings back good memories. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 59 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said: Last night, was the first time I've gone out to eat at a restaurant alone. Felt a little self-conscious. I enjoyed the dinner. I tried to pretend my wife was sitting across from me but that just didn't work. I usually just buy take out occasionally. This is a restaurant that my wife and I had not been to. I've had invitations to go out, but I haven't been out to dinner since July of 2014 when we lost our date night per week. I would had to do it like you did and go somewhere we never did. The couple of times I go take out from our favorite restaurant I cried all the way home. It's not on my priority list to prove anything to myself, so I doubt I will ever go back there. Hoping someday I will want to do that with a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 Travels dictate that I eat out frequently so slowly I am adapting. What I do is pick up the tab anonymously for a couple at the restaurant. It's a mind game but I figure that in different circumstances I would be paying for our meals so I add a dinner on my Deedo to my tab. Makes me feel more connected and the pain of eating alone maybe a bit less poignant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 That is an awesome idea, Brad! What a beautiful tribute to Deedo. Anonymous I'd good too. I have offered coupons in stores to people that would save them $10 off their shopping (as I don't buy in high amounts) and had them turn me down with suspicion. I don't get it, but many cannot accept someone doing something nice just......because. Of for reasons like yours that warm your heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 George - My Deedo also brought out the best in me. I strived to be the person she thought I was; it was a very high bar but I loved reaching for it. I'd love to know more about your new hobby as I am searching for something to help feel the emptiness. The gym is good but it only kills a couple of hours and it's just more solitary activity. Kristine - Big hugs are headed your way. Again it's the whole distance between the head and the heart thing. Such an unfathomable distance between the two. Glad the sliode shows are working for you. I haven't been able to tackle one yet; however did create yete another shrine. Chronic-enshriner here. Glad the slide shows bring good memories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 Thank you Brad. I have started a shrine, but have to take it slowly. My slide show does help me. Because it's on my iPhone, I can just hold it in my hand. I don't think I could look at it on my flat screen...yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 1 hour ago, Brad said: Travels dictate that I eat out frequently so slowly I am adapting. What I do is pick up the tab anonymously for a couple at the restaurant. It's a mind game but I figure that in different circumstances I would be paying for our meals so I add a dinner on my Deedo to my tab. Makes me feel more connected and the pain of eating alone maybe a bit less poignant. So cute,Brad! I do it too and at Christmas I made a table for two as well. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 17, 2016 Report Share Posted January 17, 2016 I think that's the sign of a good marriage (bringing out the best in each other). I have to eat alone, whether at home or in restaurants, and I've gotten used to it but can't say as I particularly enjoy it. I like your idea, Brad, that's very nice! George, I'm glad this week is going better for you. I appreciated your note last night, I really needed that! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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