Shock And Awe

[kayc]

Thanks.  I had to go to the office and pay some bills today but I slept in first and came home and made some "green soup"  (soup with spinach, kale, purple onion, cabbage, carrots, mushrooms, red bell pepper, celery, ckn breast, rice, broth, zucchini, pretty much everything in the refrigerator!  It's chocked full of nutrients, very tasty, and healthy.  Figure if that doesn't help, nothing will!, 

[iPraiseHim]

Interesting Kayc.  I have been craving homemade chicken soup and I finally made some tonight. It was as delicious and refreshing as i imagined.  I felt so tired but something inside but I pushed to just fix it anyway. I had to work Saturday and Sunday to finish a job before the clients returned home.  Tonight, I interviewed someone to possibly hire and called another work partner prospect but they never answered or called back.  Today, two more people inquired about employment. 

I have another busy week ahead and possibly Saturday work again (Halloween Day) I need the extra income to pay for dental work and other repairs.  I just need to keep up my stamina and health. I haven't forgot about writing about my weekend retreat as it was a fabulous time of rest and refreshment.  Thankfully, I made notes to jog my memory.

I'm also pondering what another member hear posted about "loss of innocence".  I have been mulling over this phrase for several days as it aptly describes my condition and many who travel this grief path. I have not experienced much death in our family circle until eight years ago.  My Grandfather and mother died earlier. but it didn't affect me that much.  My mother ( I was close to) 8 years ago, my best friend actually died 6 months earlier but I didn't find out until years later. (That another story for another time), My brother passed away 7 years ago, and our last beloved collie dog, 4 years ago (she was like our child since we have no children).  Each was difficult to deal with but I always had my wife, Rose Anne, to lean on, hold and share feelings. But this sudden loss of my wife blows the grief off the scale. 

After eight months, of just going through the motions, one step in front of the other, day by day.  Well, you already know what it's like.  People told me that you will come to embrace the pain and there is a comfort in knowing that the loss is real.  I am thankful for this group of people who listen, love and care,  No matter what our beliefs, people hear just let each other grief in however they need to.  I followed the suggestions of friends here that have already gone through this intense pain of grief.  

the "Loss of Innocence" was explained as the loss of "Happily ever after" when we marry our spouse.  We all believe our love for each other will carry us forward to the end of time.  I thought I understood about dying but now I KNOW about death in a way I never wanted to know.  I so enjoyed the LOVING part of marriage but never even considered the death and separating part.  Still I am thankful that God spared my wife from this pain.  God answered my prayer that I would be able to care for her to the end of her days. I love her and I always will. 

Yes, the innocence is gone but with that reality that time is short.  I need to value each day; each moment and cherish it.  I know God is Sovereign and rules and reigns over everything.  I may not like it, but it is what it is.  God knows something more than me.  His Word says everything He does is for His Glory and our ultimate good. I don't know what that ultimate good is but I trust God knows and will carry that out. I will still grief, cry, and mourn for my wife.  It's because I love her so much that God gives me time to deal with the loss.  I wish no one else every has to die, but death shows us the penalty of Sin.  "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God".  The wages of sin is DEATH.  But God redeems us and saves us from our sins.  I trust in the Lord.  Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

Yes!!!  All of my tax work is done for 2014 and the 3rd quarter business reports.

I interviewed a person today for possible hire and I will interview a second person soon.  I have never hired two people at the same time but I'm prompted so I will plan to step out in faith.  My work schedule is booked up solid so I will need to add more business to accommodate additional staff.  I still have the background checks, illegal drug testing, employment and reference checks to complete satisfactorily.  Life is still moving forward.  Still having some tough times and slip back to sadder times.  I'm learning to just feel the feelings and trying to learn lessons from them to help on this journey of life. 

Getting adequate sleep this week has been an issue again.  two nights with less than four hours sleep. It makes the work day much harder to perform work. I need to get some sleep now

Shalom

[scba]

This is very good news. I hope you will find good workers.

With regards to sleep issues, have you tried doing some walk before going to bed? I usually take a small walk and when I am back, I don't turn on the TV or go through internet, I take a shower and go directly to bed. 

[kayc]

I'm glad for you, George.  How are you feeling?  Are you over being sick yet?  It's been 7 1/2 days for me, I'm hacking and coughing, didn't sleep last night, am wondering when I'll start feeling great again!

[iPraiseHim]

I'm still hacking and coughing.  I worked for 12 days straight. I have the next two days off so I'm going to sleep in and rest and recover.  My emotions are still up and down so I just feel them, acknowledge them and keep moving forward.  I'm considering hiring two people instead of just one.  I need workers to grow beyond what work I can do.  I need to expand to increase my income to set aside funds for retirement when I can no longer work. I find myself very agitated today but I don't really know why. Be safe everyone.  Tomorrow is Halloween.  Bring in your pets.  Shalom

 

[kayc]

Well I would be agitated too if I had to keep working when so sick.  I've done it, but I'm glad to be holed up at home, and even so, it's slow go.  Hope you get to feeling better, George.

[iPraiseHim]

Day 258.  Time marches on...I Slept for over nine hours today.  The longest in awhile.  The bad feelings and emotions weigh me down and I feel listless, tired, and weak.  I finally went to the grocery store today.  I had put it off for over a week.  A flood of memories came today mostly just missing my sweet precious wife.  The pain is so real.  I've found myself agitated and I don't know why.  It's not how I want to be it is just how I feel.  Certain things just really bug me.  Maybe it is this cold or pushing to work so hard or maybe it is grief.  "This too shall pass" is what i hang onto in times like this. It takes more energy to hire, train, motivate, and grow this business. I'm going to rest some more.  Shalom

[kayc]

Maybe it's all three.  I have been down sick for nine days now and feel I am just now turning the corner.  I'm going to stay home one more day and then I have a rough day working Monday, doing the church books and reports.  I hope it goes well.

George, I wish you the best in your new hires, and your endeavors to build your business.  I hope you sleep well tonight!

[Kpl48]

Hoping you both are feeling better 

[Margm]

Please take care of yourselves.  It is hard to do it on your own without your partner.  I cried for my mama the first time I was sick after I got married, I was 18.  The last time I did that.  Now, I would cry for Billy.  I still have the residuals of the colon rupture that he pulled me through.  It's hard to live for other people, but sometimes we have to do that.

 

[iPraiseHim]

Long work week.  The new work partner hire is running into problems.  Life is just challenging.  Emotions are all over the place. I did pick up additional work this week. Today worked 12 hours and I'm totally exhausted.  I'm still missing my wife.I just don't know how I'm supposed to be coping with all of these feelings.  A part of me is missing, the best part.  The fun and joy of life is gone, missing.  How do I move forward when I miss my wife more than ever.I have much to be grateful for.  But I just don't see a way through this dilemma.  So I go to sleep and Lord willing wake up tomorrow with my grace and mercy to face the day.  Shalom

[kayc]

Sorry you're having so many problems, George.  You don't need that on top of grieving!  

I spoke to some ladies this weekend about what I've learned through my grief journey.  

The biggest things I've learned:

• Take a day at a time
• To focus on what IS rather than on what ISN'T
• To fully appreciate what is in my life
• To turn to God in my anxiety (He will keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee)
• I don't "need" someone to survive
• Grief doesn't stay in the same level of intensity and pain, but rather it evolves.  What once brought pain, now brings comfort and a smile.  That is the good news.

[Guest]

Thank you Kayc - I needed those words.

 

[Kpl48]

Facing the day is very difficult for me too. I've spent the weekend in bed. I've actually been able to sleep a good part of this time. I don't feel the pain and despair when I sleep. Of course when I wake up its there waiting for me. I'd give anything to have my husband back. I know this is impossible. I'm building a new life as he wanted me to do, but nothing can take his place. I often plead with God to help me die so I can be with Andre. I'm exhausted from this horrible grief. Thankfully you all express the depth of your grief. No where else is the truth of grief shared like this. I feel such despair today. I'm having a difficult time pushing through it. I'm so exhausted from it all. 

[iPraiseHim]

I am having a tough week as well. it is as if my wife's death just happened or my heart is exposed raw bleeding and fresh cold air.  I find myself very agitated inside.  I have to watch my words and actions so I don't fly off the handle.  This is very strange place.  I'm just hanging on because I don't know what else to do but pray and move forward.  But part of me doesn't want to without my wife. 

I did get some good sleep over the weekend which does help.This is just a rough time.  I was expecting to get better sometime. I deeply miss my wife.  Shalom

[debi.williams]

My dearest George, I understand. Take some very deep breaths. You are in anxiety. Your heart is searching for her. Would she fly off the handle and be crazy? No. So honour her now as best you can. You are still in deep shock, we all are. In shocking loss. She loved you SO SO much George. You have to hang on for all of it. This is God's choice, your allotted days, not yours. Shalom George and love, love, love xx

[kayc]

George, you will get better sometime...just not likely SOON enough to suit you.  You have deep faith and that will aid you tremendously.  But none of us are impervious to the missing them..

[iPraiseHim]

I woke up this morning with this phrase" Living with Loss" so I did a search and found some profound videos. I watched a few this morning and several tonight.  It has been very helpful.  I understand this is just another phase to go through. The loneliness at times seem unbearable yet this is day 267.  So I have survived something.  Thank you for all who read this and for your input, prayers and caring.  I have been getting better sleep the last few days.  Shalom.

[Kpl48]

The loneliness does at times seem unbearable. Waking up is one of my loneliest times. Yesterday my therapist and I decided to try a new approach for the morning. Instead of staying in bed to drink my coffee while I talk to a friend on the phone, I'm going to the living room with the blinds up to drink my coffee and call a friend. I haven't sat in my living room this way since about three months after Andre died. We used to sit in the living room with our coffee and visiting. The thought of being in the living room was more than I could bear, so I was staying in bed (my refuge) until it was time to start my day. Today is my first day doing this and I feel kinda better so far. Going to take it one day at a time. 

[hollowheart]

KpI48, I am glad that you were OK heading into the living room. I hope it didn't feel to forced, even though it was suggested you try this. I am that way right now with my sister's apartment. She died in there and it sits empty and my Mom suggested I move in there and I was horrified. She couldn't understand why that upset me, but after I went on about it I think she started to get the picture. I can't stay in her apartment to long, it's just to much for me right now.

I think one day we just suddenly do something and we are OK with it and even we dont' know how or why we are ok. Like I have been doing nothing but getting in my pjs and in bed under the covers and staying there every free second. It's even hard to shower. I want to do nothing but stay in bed every chance I get. One day I decided to clean up the kitchen, did a couple loads of laundry, fed a couple stray cats we usually care for and fed the birds. Believe me, that was a LOT compared to what I have been able to do. But now I"m back in a 'bed ridden funk' so I believe it will come and go and eventually you will find some stable sense of something. But I refuse to force something on myself for anyone's sake. I think that's a surefire way to set yourself back 1,000 paces.

[Guest]

Kpl

Glad you are trying a different routine. I'm a big believer in if one finds oneself in a hole the first step, as hard as it is, is to stop digging. If something isn't helping then stop everything and look at why it isn't giving you what you want. 

[kayc]

George, I'm glad you're sleeping better and feeling better.

Kristine, I think hollowheart is right, little by little we begin to be able to do some of the things we need to.  Finding purpose and motivation remains a struggle long afterwards.  Some of us have found it in volunteering, helping others seems to lift us, but that may be a ways down the road for you...right now just experiencing your grief and getting through the day is a tall enough order in itself.

[iPraiseHim]

Today, it has been nine months since my beloved wife, Rose Anne passed away.  It was also on a Monday.  Today my work was hectic and stressed since my new worker never showed up for work.  Now I've spent two hours attempting to get the printer to work again.  It is a struggling, frustrating,  and tiring day.  I hope tomorrow will be better. One day at a time.  Shalom

[Gwenivere]

We never forget the date every month it seems.  I am approaching 13 months and I know no matter what will be happening that day, it will be on my mind.  I know that everyday still is burning energy in the grief.  I get thru the days, but I have never been so fatigued by things that were once maybe frustrating, but they take so much more concentration now.  I feel like my day is like a debit card with an energy limit.  I have to be aware of how I spend it as it will run out til tomorrow.