Shock And Awe

[kayc]

Me too, Kristine, keep believing.

[iPraiseHim]

Tomorrow, would have been our 26th wedding anniversary.  I loved being married to my beloved wife.  I cherished every day I could be with her.  My plan is to donated to one of her favorite charities in memorandum.  It has been a hectic week.  My business computer locked up Sunday afternoon.  And it has been a challenge to get the system operational again.  I attempted to avoid this problem of computer downtime but I couldn't get ahead of the curve. I should have bought another hard drive but never got it done.  Now because the operating system was corrupted( win 8.1) they cannot reboot it or just put in an encryption key.  Instead I have to buy Windows 10 and then reinstall all of my other business programs, etc...It will take about 12 hours to do all that. 

I have less than one week to sign up for another year of Obama Care.  The cost has more than doubled in premium plus an additional $500 before they pay any bills.  The good news is after nine months and over 26 hours on the phone, they have finally issued the CORREECT plan that I signed up for initially in 2015. I have been paying an overpayment of $74 month for 12 months.  The insurance company wanted to keep the money and just take next years premiums from that amount.  After I persisted, they reluctantly agreed to send me the refund check when I put it in writing.  Isn't customer service great? 

I plan to sign up for coverage by Dec 15th so I will be covered and then look into some alternative plans.  The tax bite with Obamacare is unknown and entirely in the IRS hands.  They do the calculations and you just  owe them what ever they say. I have a full work day tomorrow.  I love you, Rose Anne.  Happy Anniversary!  Shalom 

[kayc]

George, my premium more than doubled this year too.  I called and did it over the phone.  I have a high deductible so can't afford to have any diagnostic testing, lab work, etc. done.    I'm glad you've finally made some headway and will get the right plan, also glad you've persisted and will finally get a refund...I hope it's soon!

Good luck with the computer problems.  I wish you could turn it over to someone else to work on because I know you're busy working, and when do you have 12 hours?

I hope all goes well with these endeavors...having your anniversary tomorrow is enough to deal with.  You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[iPraiseHim]

Much going on. Day 301. 43 weeks.  Life is surreal at times.  My business computer is back from the shop and I'm working on getting all of the programs restored and the data.  A close friends, Mom, passed away on December 11.  The wake is Tuesday evening.  I should attend to support my friend but it is stirring up some memories. of my Mom's death and my wife.  The mind is a tricky thing.  I have to remind myself I've already dealt with the situation but the doubts creep back in.  Since, I was also my wife's caregiver, there is a layer of responsibility attached to her death.  The acceptance of the heart of the finality of her death is difficult to grasp even now.  The loneliness doesn't help.  It is just a part of my life now.  Work is real busy.  Some health care service providers are not very helpful.  their "sorry" is not sincere or helpful. A little compassion would sure help.  I thought I scheduled work on Christmas day but plans fell through. I would prefer to work on Christmas day than think about Christmas without my wife.  My more difficult times. I expect will be Valentines day and two days later.  That  will be the one year anniversary of her death.  Our wedding anniversary on the 9th was better than expected.  I just didn't remind anyone since it is "our" special day to remember.  Time for sleep.  Moving forwarding.  Shalom

 

[kayc]

George, I hated going to funerals after George died.  I forced myself to go to some that I wasn't ready for and sat there with tears pouring down my cheeks, really tough!  So was going to the hospital where he died, I had to do that to see a friend's husband, who was also my friend.  I cried.  He said I shouldn't have come, I said I needed to someday anyway and at least it was with someone I was close to that understood.  

If you're not up to attending the funeral, just tell him it's too soon and you're getting too many flashbacks, I'm sure he'll understand.  None of my friends attended my mom's funeral with me, in fact, my closest friends didn't even attend George's funeral, something I have a hard time understanding.

[Margm]

Kayc, we did not have a funeral for Billy.  I do not want one for myself.  They say it is for the family.  When my dad passed away with cancer, I was fighting it my own self.  He had a Masonic funeral (which I was on Valium at the time and only remember the people staring at the family mourning).  They come to "pay their respects."  I am a weird character.  I had people that I had not seen in years that knew I had cancer, knew it was a strange and often fatal kind, and the only treatment they could give me was radiation.  I had two different types.  I had old acquaintances that I had not  seen in years come pay their respects while they could.  I had rather they did not do that. Back then I was acquainted with my friends Mystical, Magical, and Imagination.  Billy helped me get reacquainted with my old friend Faith.  I went to a cousin's funeral.  She was beautiful, young, and had passed away in her 16-year-old son's arms, an alcohol fatality.  Our family has an addiction gene in it and a few members (myself included) have had to kick habits.  She was like a freight train headed down a mountain with no brakes.  Family members tried to help her,  but it had ahold of her and would not let go.  It was not cancer, but it was just as fatal.  At her funeral, the pastor commented on these life frailties with her family in attendance, a church full of people.  He referred to it as her being in a ditch.  When the family was riding to the cemetery my two aunts in the back seat mentioned the beautiful words.  I turned around and told them what I thought of the "beautiful words."  I might even have cursed (for which I am sure they prayed for me). That little 16-year-old son did not need to be reminded of this.  This was a beautiful girl in personality, outward and inward beauty that had ahold of something that would not let go of her either.  It was then that I decided I would not attend or have one.  Friends come or do not come.  The person we loved is gone.  Accolades do not help me, but they might other people.  As I said, I am rather weird in a lot of my thinking.

[Kpl48]

I'm so sorry for your hurtful funeral experience. We didn't have a funeral for Andre. He was cremated and we kept his ashes. My husband's daughter held a memorial in her home. All of Andre's friends, some of who were with him as he was dying, came. I didn't want to go, but I did. My cousin came with me, which really helped me. We went to my step daughter's home together. It was so beautiful to be with her and Andre's friends. They visited and reminisced. I'll never forget all these people who loved me and Andre. I don't know why I didn't want to go. Maybe I was scared of breaking down (that would have been OK) or just one more reminder that he was dead. Now I remember all the love and caring these special people gave us during his passage and after his death. I sent them all personal Thank You cards about a week after the memorial. I'm very grateful to have this as a memory. 

[hollowheart]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

 None of my friends attended my mom's funeral with me, in fact, my closest friends didn't even attend George's funeral, something I have a hard time understanding.

Your friends abandoning you is sometimes another layer of pain.

[kayc]

Marg,

What they did at your relative's funeral was unforgivable.  The minister should have only mentioned the wonderful things about her for which she'll long be remembered.  As for your desires for yourself, your loved ones should respect your wishes in that.  However, when my best friends did not show up for my husband's funeral because they were too self-centered to be bothered with something as morbid as that, to me that showed they weren't as good a friend as I'd thought.  I would have showed up for them had the situations been reversed.  Neither did his job send a representative, and if you ask me, his job was largely responsible for his premature death, always pushing him, wanting more and more and more from him.  The first thing I did was throw his work clothes out, and got rid of his Country Coach mug & thermos.  I wanted no reminders of that place.  It leaves a hollow feeling inside.  Fortunately, our church showed up, homeless people he'd helped showed up, even the town's mayor came to his funeral.  His friends showed up but only three of his family members.  As long as I live, I'll never quite understand people.

[Guest]

Deedo and I both donated our bodies to Science Care.  They were very compassionate and handled things with such caring and sensitivity.  I received Deedo's cremains two days before her Celebration of Life.  We held her Celebration of Life in a rather rustic building, something she would have loved.  We had neighbors talk about her; they did such an amazing job capturing all facets of Deedo.  The first spoke quite eloquently of the many things she learned from Deedo, the second started his speech with how he saw a totally different side; the neighborhood terrorist.  And proceded to speak of her humor and the innumerable practical jokes Deedo extracted on the masses.  Our neighborhood is quite a close one as we have mostly been here for thirty or more years, raising families, helping each other through the challenging times, growing old together, and now moving into retirement.  We call our loop the Circle of Love.  Of course we are showing our age as we have lost four of our number in 2015.  

I digress- There was a wonderful slide show with Deedo's friends from around the world donating favorite picts of her.  Then we opened it up to anyone who wanted to share.  It went on for nearly an hour with more laughs than tears.  We did Deedo proud.

It was the next day when everyone left and I was in an empty house that I fell apart and stayed that way from August 10th until late September. I was amazed that any one person could feel so devastated, so depressed, so lonely, so sad, so empty for so long.  For the first time in my life I was faced with something that I could not solve nor could I cope.  That is when I reached out to my counselor.  I did have an advantage in that I met my counselor seventeen months earlier when she started to counsel Deedo through her cancer; she knew Deedo well and we had already established a good relationship; it only made sense to stay with her and I'm glad I did.

[Margm]

I won't understand them either Kay.  I'm sorry.  We have enough without having to worry about other people.  

[Gwenivere]

I didn't have a formal memorial for Steve per his wishes.  There was no mixing of work and music people that would have worked, two different worlds.  His wonderful boss had one for the work people (I did not attend that because I couldn't handle the onslaught of bereavement sentiments).  Some if his music buddies came over one night and I bought them beer and pizza per Steve's request and they jammed for the evening.  I had to stay inside when they started playing because the voice I loved most was not there.  I think his brother was disappointed I didn't do something formal, but I figure that us his problem.  I could only do what I could handle.  I know Steve would be more than fine with it.  Funerals and memorials are for the living anyway.  For some it works, for others it doesn't.  Personal choices.  There is no wrong or right.

[kayc]

I think it's so important to respect their wishes, and of course we have to consider what we can handle.  You're so right, there is no right or wrong way, only our way.

[iPraiseHim]

I went to the wake tonight. It was my first since my wife's memorial service.  I don't like open caskets.  I went for my good friend and family.  I will not be attending the funeral tomorrow. My work schedule is so busy I can not get off work.  Tomorrow will be 10 months since Rose Anne died.  It still seems surreal.  I can still smell my wife on her hat, blanket and some clothes. Another busy day of work tomorrow.  I had some trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep.  I tried to  get some CPAP parts for my mask but the gate keeper ( on a stool) refused to help since my prescription ran out in MAY.  CPAP mask issues.

My insurance was messed up for nine months.  Obamacare never notified me that they resolved the issue. I have not ordered any equipment because the coverage was listed wrong. It is very frustrating.  

I just calculated  my insurance costs for 2016 have gone up 224% from last year when you include the new Deductible charge.  My income is the same. Now my tax rate increased because I'm now classified as single.  This is not affordable healthcare.  My income did not go up 224% in one year.  I will need to research alternatives soon.  Better get some sleep. Shalom  

[kayc]

George, my insurance more than doubled for 2016, plus property taxes went up, I had to call a plumber, buy new tires and a new battery, and had medical expenses I didn't plan on.  Altogether this last month cost an additional $3,000.00 to my already strained budget!  I've been trying to sell things on eBay to help the shortage, but all of a sudden everyone quit buying.  Obamacare IS affordable, to HIM, not us!

I'm glad they had a wake so you could be supportive of your friend without having to attend the funeral.  It's very hard, no matter how many years go by, it's a trigger.  I do it for friends, but oh how hard it is.

I remember when I could no longer smell George's smell on his robe, the blankets, etc.  It broke my heart!  But I can still remember his smell so if I close my eyes and inhale, for just a moment, it comes back to me.  It was the best smell in the world.

[Margm]

I have never really been a fan of Kathy Gifford, and hope I get her name and Frank's correct.  Football is my season, high school, college and pro.  When Frank passed away and Kathy told about his death and his wishes, I had to admire her.  He wanted no funeral, he wanted them to throw a party and invite only the people he "adored."  I thought it cute when Kathy said it was a "rather small" gathering of people he adored.  Now, football gave him a memorial that was nice, but I loved her words, her faith, and her fighting back the tears in her tribute to Frank when she came to work, her first day after his passing away.  

[iPraiseHim]

Today is the 10 month mark (Day 303).  Work was busy and kept me engaged.  I was doing okay until I was driving home.  As I turned my car the sun lit up the passenger side window and I could see clearly three distinct impressions of my wife's forehead where she laid her head on the glass because she was so tired and weak going to dialysis.  I lost it and burst into tears.  I still have her hat (wig) and pick it up periodically to smell her scent.  I am surprised it is still there. 

My wife loved Christmas.  when she was healthier, she would put up four Christmas trees in our home.  Each one a different theme. In the last six years, her health continually declined and her energy drained so that she just couldn't.  We have a nativity scene she loved that we  keep displayed on our mantle the last couple of years.  We celebrated being together.  I would get her gifts and things I knew would cheer her up but she was too weak to reciprocate. I told her many times that I didn't look for presents but rather looked forward to her presence during the season.  This year I will miss that as well.  Now I'm in waterworks mode again. It has been another long, lonely, and tiring day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better one.  Shalom.

[kayc]

George, you sound like you were a very caring husband and you had a great marriage.  Maybe it's good that you're working so much, at least it uses your energy and time.

[iPraiseHim]

Trouble sleeping. In a funk.  Having trouble caring.  The waves of despair keep rolling in.  My body and muscle pains are getting worse.  And the reality of loneliness and singlehood has put me in a much deeper valley than I ever wanted to go.  I had issues with unipolar depression many years ago and I just don't want to go back there. My wife never understood that because she always saw me happy and content.  I was because she really did complete me.  Now I'm just undone. 

I've been working on the business computer all weekend.  The backup service apparently restored all my data onto the computer twice and completely filled up a 1TB hard drive.  The computer locked up and it has taken all weekend to get it functioning again.  It is a tedious process to delete duplicate files and save the pertinent ones. There is still much work to do.  My level of concentration and determination is not what it used to be.

Since my sister is going out of town for Christmas, I still plan on working on Christmas day to fill up the day. It is a business client so there is no interference with Christmas celebrations, etc....   My Dad does not celebrate Christmas anymore (his religious beliefs).  I have been invited  to a few places but I just prefer to work.  Better get some sleep.  Need to wake up in three hours.  Shalom.

[Guest]

George 

Time stamps really tell a story. Western Hemisphere stamps of twenty-two minutes ago when the chimes ring one a.m. speak of insomnia and depression.  Sorry about your business computer. Technology is great right until it isn't then it's a pain. Hope you're sleeping as I write this. 

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry to hear you got hit by a 'grief attack', George.  It's so frustrating when they happen.  I know my body has been in rebellion since I started this journey.  Everything has magnified.  I think we are tense more than we realize when we are awake and if sleep is restless and not enough.  Depression is a given especially if we have a history of it.  Having recently had my computer hacked and had to rebuild it from scratch with limited concentration, I understand that too.

Brad, I go to bed about 4am.  We lived a late night schedule being night owls.  Steve did the normal hours for his corporate career, but when he retired, he fell back into his musician roots.  It's kinda nice to live in the quiet of the night.  The only hard thing in Seattle is it gets dark about 4pm, so getting up at noon makes for a short day IF we get any sun.  

[kayc]

George, could you take the computer back to the backup place, have THEM delete and restore everything?  I can only imagine how long it takes to delete duplicates of EVERYTHING!  I would probably do something methodical like create a folder, drag the duplicates one at a time to the folder, and THEN delete the folder and it's contents, which would be way faster than deleting each file one at a time.  Anything to save time!

I'm sorry you feel like you're maybe heading back to the unipolar depression, I hope not.  Are you seeing a grief counselor, George?  If not, I hope you will!  Tell them what you fear.  I've gotten used to being alone for the most part, it's been so long, but it still hits me, like when something goes wrong and I'm alone in it (surgery, broken arm, loss of job, loss of mother, etc.)  And I miss talking to him, we used to talk to each other about everything.  Even things like heading to the valley (100 mile round trip) to get groceries today, I miss his company.

I understand your working all the time, it not only pays the bills, but it takes your time and attention so you don't have to feel the loss each waking moment.  It's unlikely my daughter and SIL will be able to come for Christmas because of snow, but...one day at a time.

Hang in there, George.  I know you're super busy, but if you ever want to talk, message me for my phone no.

Kay

 

[iPraiseHim]

I did have a Merry Christmas which has actually kind of surprised me. I've been working everyday with some hard jobs and extra physical pain.  I miss my wife and mourning the loss of her joy in Christmas as she grew weaker and weaker the past six years. I was so thankful she was alive that I never really thought too much about her loss of mobility, independence, and quality of life.  I still cry and I am deeply saddened at times but really dread the upcoming Valentine's day and her death two days later.

I have been needing to go grocery shopping since Saturday but I have been too exhausted after work.  Sometime yesterday I got the crazy notion to start my own Christmas dinner tradition.  So I did get some food to make that happen.  I did finally go yesterday and 1) it was weird to hear a 24hr store say they are closing at 6pm. 2) too see Valentines merchandise on the store shelves already.  I dreaded Valentines day before I met Rose Anne.  I loved every Valentines Day with her for 26 years and now it is another constant reminder of what I have lost. Praying ....

Today, I worked all morning and I haves such Peace and Joy.  I believe it is because I didn't have to put on airs or meet other peoples expectations of what they think I should be doing. I watched a great movie on Netflix called "The Heart of Christmas" If you are early in your grief journey I would skip it)  It is a tear jerker but has some profound truth shared.  This song really touched my heart...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swKPS9q7rMU

 

I do pray that everyone who reads this will be helped as I have ben helped by so many on this group.  We are all on this unique grief journey but you are not alone.  Shalom

 

[Margm]

My granddaughter and I have watched probably 25 Red Box movies so far this month.  It helped both of us.  No sad ones, some happy tears.  She was the most happiness for Billy for 16 years.  Me too.

[kayc]

George, I remember that movie, it was a very special story.  I'm glad your day went better than you'd expected.  Yes, Valentine's Day and the anniversary of her death will be hard, we'll be here to support you as you go through it.  My husband died on Father's Day, which makes it a tough day for me, so I have two anniversaries of death most years, Father's Day and June 19th.  Everyone is always busy celebrating Father's Day so I am alone to face the anniversary of George's death every year.  Somehow I've gotten through it, but it's never easy.