Shock And Awe

[kevin]

Keeping an eye on ones Health KPI's such as Blood Pressure, BS, and Weight.......I found after the age of 45 or 50 , the RED kicked in.......R.....make sure you Relax..........E........makes sure you Exercise(this is where Dog is handy)...........D.....make sure you watch your Diet.......The weight loss is pretty easy now, just have to manage it . I backed off on Red meat , sweets, milk, and potatoes....Recently BP is back in line, believe this has to do with the weight loss and exercise. The point KayC made on living on you own , if you have any condition, it can be scary. Just another adjustment we are relearning on this journey.......take care

[Margm]

Like my friend who lost her husband a few years ago, (he was an invalid for seven years, and she said she would have kept him for seven more, if she had been allowed),she is very health conscious, is actually prettier now all these many years after high school graduation, has been an administrative secretary for a church, other than her own faith, for close to 40 years.  She is also deaf, although she once could hear.  She is such a wonderful Christian woman, her husband was a deacon and that is when she misses him the most, when she is in church.  Misses sitting shoulder to shoulder.  I think my odd thing is I reach over to Billy's side of the bed each morning and for just an instant, just a small segment of time, I reach for him.  Then, I realize he is not there and I do not linger in bed another moment.   

We are having straight line winds and a tornado watch this morning.  I have to think for myself now.  I have business that I need to attend to in "the big city" 40 miles away.  I have to use my own common sense (which has been beaten to a pulp), about whether to go now or wait until tomorrow, when the sun is supposed to be abundant.  Billy, over these past few years had decided he needed to drive me everywhere.  I would get agitated because I was perfectly capable of driving myself.  I still am.  But, I will use what little common sense I have left and stick to the house today.  I think of the childhood story of the little engine that could, and like that little engine climbing that hill, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."  Knees are still shaking though.  Today, I will stay at home.  This second childhood growing up an orphan is hard. 

[hollowheart]

We never forget the date every month it seems.  I am approaching 13 months and I know no matter what will be happening that day, it will be on my mind.  I know that everyday still is burning energy in the grief.  I get thru the days, but I have never been so fatigued by things that were once maybe frustrating, but they take so much more concentration now.  I feel like my day is like a debit card with an energy limit.  I have to be aware of how I spend it as it will run out til tomorrow.  

Oh my god, this is so, soooo true! I wish I could 'like' this, lol. Oh you took my thoughts and put them into words. It's almost a month for me and I just feel so 'whatever' about EVERYTHING. My constant thoughts wear me out, my longing for her wears me out. Also, the fact that I can't get out my venting and little daily frustrations out by texting her or talking to her and knowing she will get me is also tiring as I have to hold all that in.

I would even text her in the morning venting about the trains being slow, now I just have to be mad and keep it to myself and the knowledge that I have no one that will care or understand those little gripes breaks my soul a little more each time I can't do it.

But you are so right that things that you would do in a snap, or that might be annoying but you can surely do and move on now feel like pushing a boulder uphill in roller skates. The stupid, useless things I did before I'd do with an eyeroll, but now I have such little energy and motivation to spare I almost want to go into a rage at having to do it. I hate this feeling.

[hollowheart]

Today, it has been nine months since my beloved wife, Rose Anne passed away.  It was also on a Monday.  Today my work was hectic and stressed since my new worker never showed up for work.  Now I've spent two hours attempting to get the printer to work again.  It is a struggling, frustrating,  and tiring day.  I hope tomorrow will be better. One day at a time.  Shalom

I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. I'm glad it is over. Mondays are usually bad days overall anyway. With our losses other frustrations feel like a thousand times worse than they are. I am having one of those struggling days. I am so NOT in a work mood. I just don't care today. Can't concentrate, I'm tired, I'm feeling sad and want to cry. I'm just done today and it's not even 11am yet.  

[iPraiseHim]

I just had a friend tell me today I need to move on and stop counting the days. Her grieving is six months longer.  Oh, yeah, she is in a relationship and tells me I need to move on!. Yeah, Right.  I can move forward but I will never just move on as if I could forget or pretend.  Besides. I'm older and uglier!  (Senior Humor) 

On a side note, my worker went to the doctor today and will go to another doctor to perform corrective surgery on his tear duct.  He will be out for an undetermined time.

Business wise, I has a meeting with a client who doesn't want a cleaning service.  Her daughter insists. She says she's German.  So I was trying to convince her not to hire because she says she is a better cleaner.  Bottom line, I will be cleaning her home later this week.  Go figure.  I'm swamped. I need a good worker! Shalom

[kayc]

Kevin,

Reading what you wrote...this morning I took a fall.  I was lucky, I didn't break anything.  But it's true, it's scary getting this age (and I'm only 63!) and living alone.  A neighbor and I check in with each other, since we're both alone, and that helps.

[kevin]

I have not lived alone since 1983, and that was in a Motel.....Always people around.... But now I do have a check in friend, and I am so cautious around ladders, powered equipment, and I watch my culinary exploits.....I to am 63, and double check everything, better to be safe than sorry....Do not drive in the dark, rain or snow, will not hesitate to overnight....and always have emergency kit this time of the year.....Things I used to take for granted, I re think everything now...............KayC...I trust your fall was a bruise or sprain, but could have been worse?

[Gwenivere]

I hope you are OK after the fall, Kay.   I know that is one thing I fear the most being alone.  Not that I ever took getting injured for granted, but in the back of my mind I knew there was someone who could help me.  Glad you have your neighbor.

[Kpl48]

Kay, hoping you are OK from your fall. 

[Gwenivere]

I've been fortunate as only one person has mentioned finding someone else.  That someday it could happen and I shouldn't rule that out.  There are some things you know in your heart.  They 'say' never say never, but here is what fixers forget...that maybe we don't want a new partner.  Many of us had that someone that anyone else would only be someone we would be comparing them to.  I know that is how it would be for me.  I spent my life with the man I entrusted my deepest and darkest secrets with.  He with me.  Things I could never share even with the best of friends I had.  Things I would never tell a counsellor despite the confidentiality clause.  My mother remarried, but I know from talking with her that her marriage to my dad did not have the depth mine did.  I don't judge her for that one bit.  She didn't get that in her 2nd either.  I had the greatest gift of having that and, for me, I know once you have, nothing or no one can recreate it.  It's a once in a lifetime deal.  It took decades together to become the partners we did.  The history shared.  I don't want to do that again nor could I.  Of course I crave companionship like any human and will have that with people along the way til I am gone.  But I gave my heart to someone already.  He still has it and always will.  I can't give to someone something I longer possess.  I have Steve's and protect it fiercely.  To give what has become my heart would be giving him away.  

 

 

[Kpl48]

I can't imagine finding anyone else either. Andre and I were so close. For 23 years we were together most of the time. Now he is gone. I want to fully believe he is still with me in spirit...that he is my guardian angel. I think wanting him back here with me now might be keeping me from fully accepting he is with me spiritually. 

Today has been a very rough day. I'm crying a lot. Feeling so alone without my Andre. I'm having depression on top of the grief. In the mornings I'm feeling I want to die again. I want to be with my husband. I have people who love and care about me, but I just want to be with Andre again. To be close, to talk, to hold each other, to laugh, to plan things, to do things, to just sit with each other. 

I know you all understand. 

[kayc]

During the night I "felt" everything that was affected by my fall, didn't know so many parts could hurt at once!  But nothing serious, some pulls and bruises.  

George and I were soulmates that clicked through and through.  I'm unwilling, at this point, to "settle".

[debi.williams]

Kay, are you alright? That must have been awful. How did you do it? Falls leave us feeling very shaky because we realise how fragile we are and with no one to help us. I am so sorry my love. How are you feeling? xxx

[kayc]

My heel caught on something.  Anne and I were talking last night and she asked if I have that "Help,help, I've fallen and can't get back up!" button.   No, not yet, this was just a freak thing, I'm not unstable or frail yet, but I guess given the right circumstances, any of us can fall some time.

How am I feeling?  Well I "feel" more parts than I realized I had!   I'll be okay...

[hollowheart]

21 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

 I have people who love and care about me, but I just want to be with Andre again. To be close, to talk, to hold each other, to laugh, to plan things, to do things, to just sit with each other. 

I know you all understand. 

I read that and I thought, yep, I feel the same way. That's how I feel with the loss of my sister, I just want to sit and talk, to laugh, to plan things, do things, watch movies and discuss them after, just be together.  Yes, I definitely understand that much.

Kay, you always seem to feel the bruises the next day don't you? Almost like when you exercise then you surely feel it later, lol. I'm glad you are here to tell us about it and even joke some. Hope you are feeling better. I think after that fall you deserve a treat! Food (especially desserts) or shopping.

[kayc]

Alas I neither eat desserts or shop, but maybe a good book...

 

Kristine, we know...we feel the same way about ours...

[hollowheart]

Kayc, no desserts or shopping?! OMG! lol

[debi.williams]

Well thank God for that. BUT you must stop wearing those 6 inch heels Kay They are just not good for our toes!!

It's not joke being alone when accidents happen. I wasn't when 6 years ago, I fell on the Brussels cobblestones running for a tram (they call it the Brussels carpet it dates back to 18th century) and didn't realise I had broken my shoulder. I was angry at my swelling ankle. But then I had my adult family in my life then,husband, mom people to take charge. Now I don't. When I have a bath at night I no longer lock the door, just in case I slip. I will shout to Max to not come in but call an ambulance, I have it all planned in my head. I am broken by the planning but I have to be pragmatic or Max's sake.  I have no intention of slipping or falling but nor did you Kay. Accidents just happen.

It shakes you, bless your heart.I don't eat desserts or shop either - apart from the essential food shopping and the never ending shoes for Max's ever growing feet! - but you deserve a good book. the year of Magical Thinking maybe? xx

[kayc]

Haha, if you only knew!  I can't even wear regular shoes, I wear Kalso Earth shoes, which have a 3.7% decline (negative heel), I can't even wear flats!   I need to be more careful to pick my feet up more!  

I hate shopping, esp. around the holidays.  I usually buy what I need on line, but then I'm 60 miles away from anywhere.  

[iPraiseHim]

I made it through Thanksgiving.  Today feels very empty and alone.  I worked all day solo.  I have work all day again tomorrow.  The pain of loneliness is overwhelming.  Then sometimes it drifts into apathy.  I will go to sleep and pray and hopefully will wake up in a better spirit tomorrow. Sometimes the loneliness is deafening.  I don't like being alone.  I want what I can't have( my wife back) and I just don't see the hope I should have for the future.  It seems like I'm living just half-a-life I was living with my wife.  It's probably just another phase of life I need to move through. Life looks bleak at this point.  In less than two weeks will be our wedding anniversary (December 9th).  I always celebrated the day.  Now I'm not sure what to do with it. I need to get some rest for another day.  Thank you for all who listen and care.  Shalom.

[kayc]

George, I still don't know what to do with our wedding anniversary..or his birthday, or anything else.  I think about him, but then I do that every day.  If I had the money I'd probably go to the coast and contemplate on it.  When I went to the coast on our ladies' retreat (it'd been two years), I saw that the place we stayed at for our honeymoon and anniversaries had been torn down.  That was very sad to me, now I have to place to come to and revisit.  Next to our home, that was the single most important place to me.  I'm scared to even see if the chapel we were married at is still there.

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I noticed I have become extremely sensitive to places changing.  I haven't been back to Reno where we were married, but I know the hotel is now gone.  We renewed our vows in 1995 and the church is there, but the pastor we loved is not.  My neighborhood us cinstsntly changing.  So many places we went when it was more homey are now Target, Best Buy, gyms, apartments built on top of storefronts.  Definitely not the place we moved into 30 years ago.  The changes made me sad as they happened, but especially more so now.  It's hard enough Steve not being here much less everything around me changing.  Neighbors have changed as so many homes have gone rental.  We were the only original people left.  Now it is just me.  Adds to the loneliness.  Life never stays the same, but having someone with you as it flows is so comforting.  

[Gwenivere]

George, half a life is most descriptive.  No matter where I turn, something is missing.  Anniversaries are hard as those are they days we committed to our partners and celebrated with others who joined in on our happiness.  No matter if it was a big ceremony or small.  Then every year we got that special day together.  I was watching a TV show where a mugger wanted a woman's wedding ring and she absolutely would not give it up.  Anything else but that.  I wear mine always and will never take it off. I don't know what I am going to do in January when our anniversary comes again.  I find I usually numb out on special days and have them hit me later.  I dint know why that happens or what is accomplished by it.  Must be some kind of survival thing.  I do know of the anticipation tho.  That is usually worse.  I read this and see I offer nothing helpful, but you are certainly not alone in your feelings.  

[kayc]

Gwenivere, I've lived here 38 years and have been here longer than anyone else on the street.  I've watched it change, little by little, neighbors moving, neighbors dying, houses torn down, new ones in their place.  Even seeing neighbor's pets die is disconcerting.  One lost their dog a week ago, I miss him.  I wish I'd taken a picture of him, he looked like a monkey, but now it's too late.

[Kpl48]

I miss my husband so much. I had a good Thanksgiving with friends. I've made new friends this year as my husband wanted me to do. I'm building a new life the best I can as my husband wanted me to do. At home alone I'm heartbroken and I cry and cry. I don't really want to live like this. I wish I could be with Andre. My little dog needs me and I have lots of people who really care about me. I will go on living until my time comes. Then I'll be with Andre again. I have to believe this.