How do we cope with Christmas

[debi.williams]

I am dreading Christmas. I know it is early but I can see it looming and I just don't know how my son and I will cope. My husband loved Christmas so much and decorating the house and finding the biggest possible tree.

Last year was the first year without my mom who passed very suddenly in May 2014. We were all grieving and couldn't face Christmas at home, so we stayed in a lovely hotel. This year I felt I could cope with Xmas at home and head mentally prepared myself to an Xmas without Mom. Then my beloved husband passed suddenly at 49 years old in August and now I am totally lost. It is just me and my son of 16 and the sadness and dread is unbearable. I know soon, I will start hearing Xmas songs and seeing decorations and lights .A time of year we all loved so much has become a time of year to dread. Does anyone recently bereaved feel the same way? Does anyone who has had to live through their first Xmas have any strategies for coping?

If I had money I would get on a plane and go far away, but that is not an option I'm afraid.

[scba]

Dear Debi,

I too feared the first Xmas. 

It hurted me to witness joyful faces, family plans, decorations, holiday trips and so on. I was so angry at God at that time. I didn't want to celebrate a-ny-thing!!!!!! My plan to cope with it was to take a valium and sleep. However, that day that I feared so much, was just another day when I missed my boyfriend and I cried. I had dinner with my parents and siblings. I didn't have any strategy, I avoided crowds and big reunions. The day arrived and was over, and grief, and missing, were still there. 

[enna]

Debi,

Your dread of the holidays coming up is very normal. Those of us who have lost a soul mate know that those first years are almost unbearable to hear holiday music, go into stores, or even continue with past holiday rituals. 

Please do only what you feel comfortable in doing. 

Here is a website from our moderator that might help you. Be sure to read some of the links at the end, also.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html   

Things will change when you want them to. 

One thing I will share that helped me the second year (the first year I chose to do nothing) after my Jim's death was to have my 7 1/2 foot tree put up after Thanksgiving and invite family, friends and neighbors to come in and decorate the tree for me. I had things set up and when someone came to visit they would put a few bulbs on the tree ~ some even brought their own! Also, on the fireplace I had an empty box and some index cards and if anyone wanted to they could write a message about what they remembered about Jim and place it in the box. I opened the box on New Year's Eve and sat and read all the beautiful things written. It gave me comfort. My story has been written here and I have found it very cathartic to share my story here among those who understand.

Anne

[kayc]

There isn't a right or wrong way to do it, only what feels best to you and your son.  It might BE good if the two of you did something different, perhaps went somewhere at Christmas.  I did have help decorating the tree the first year but after that I was on my own.  If it wasn't for my kids I probably would have skipped it (they were in their 20s), but now I look forward to having one up.  George and I used to go out in the woods and cut our tree down, we enjoyed that.  Now I just have an artificial one.  I still put his ornaments up.

Anne, your tradition (putting messages in a box) is very similar to mine, we put them in George's Christmas stocking.

[KarenK]

Debi,

I think "coping" is a very descriptive word. It is not living, just "being".

Christmas was Ron's favorite time of year and he so loved the music. Drove me crazy as there are few songs I enjoy. We always had a huge tree and I decorated it and the family room with the former 37 big boxes of ornaments and such that I had carefully acquired over all those years. Much of it has been sold and I'm down to only 20 boxes now. Don't know why I keep them as they will most likely never be unpacked again. Christmas and religion took a downhill slide for me in 2008 when my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. I was in Kentucky caring for her so I had a small lit, decorated tree delivered to Ron as he was here at home. That and a country wreath are all I put up now, somehow trying to find a little joy. No big tree with so many gifts you walked around them. In fact , two gifts if I'm lucky. One each for my son and grandson, if at all. I forced myself to set up the tree in 2013(after Ron's death) and in 2014(after Debbie's death). If I still have my home in December, I will probably do it again.

There are no friends who drop by, no friends to visit, and there is no one to drive around with and look at the lights. Those days are gone. So I guess I will be forever "coping".

[kayc]

I hear you, Karen.  I don't know why I look forward to it as my life is spent alone now.  My son no longer comes for Christmas now that he has his own family and home, and I can't travel easily as I can no longer take Arlie there, I can't spend the night there because I have to keep the wood stove going so the pipes won't freeze, and I don't drive at night, they just live too far away to go up and back in daylight.  Hopefully my daughter and SIL will come here for Christmas.  I went looking at the lights with my neighbor once but that was a huge disappointment (long story) so I really can't do that, it's too far away anyway since our small town doesn't have much to look at.  But I enjoy the music and the Christmas movies, cheesy as they all are, I guess I like to believe in the world being a positive place whether it is or not.    No presents around my tree either, I buy one present each for my kids and this year I have a granddaughter to add to the mix, plus I buy for two sisters that wouldn't get anything otherwise.  Christmas is much more low key than in years past.  George was a huge fan of it, that's why I don't feel I can just ignore it...it's for him.  I talk to him, I know someone would haul me away if they could look in...

[kevin]

Christmas is the Best time of the year........Deb, with a 16 year old youngster, the tradition your husband had, must carry on in the eyes of your son. Christmas has a healing power of its own...(a temporary one at that), but it will bring more smiles than tears.........I considered backing off a bit but remember the effort my wife put into Christmas, I decided just last week to carry on and do my best.........

[KATPILOT]

Christmas has got to be one of the worst holidays to get through. Unlike birthdays, Valentines Day or anniversaries, the holiday season goes on for weeks. It's a season full of land mines we laid over so many years just waiting for us to hit them. The first one is the hardest. For me this next one will be my fifth and I can see it will be a lot easier than the first. My wife and I lived alone and we did Christmas big time. For me it was always my most special time of the year and she joined in on that being my birthday was at the same time. What helped me get through it was knowing she was seeing it with me. Putting up the lights, decorating the house and doing the tree was just about the saddest experience of my early grief's journey.  But I felt her presence. My wife was 51 and debi, 49 is so wrong too. I only hope you can find a little joy with your son in celebrating the holiday. It will get better. Only time can help with that. As the season draws near, read what others have to say and hold close  the support you will find here.  For what it's worth, I still put up her stocking and fill it with goodies she and I would have shared together. We had a passion for Godiva truffles. After I decorated the house that first year, I stood across the street  and asked her how it looked. I still do that and my grandchildren like it too.

[debi.williams]

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt and supportive responses. I can see I am not alone in recognizing how difficult Christmas is and what an uphill battle it is for us bereaved.

Scba you are right when you say the day itself is just another day of missing the one we love. It is so hard when you here people talk about their plans (they are doing that already plus we have to plan the dreaded Xmas office party) I just don't want to hear any of it.

Enna, Thank you so much for the link. I found a lot of the practical advice really helpful. I can tune into you deciding to do nothing that first year after Jim's passing which is how I feel but I have to consider my son. I think your idea of asking friends to write their messages, so beautiful and you can keep those cards with you always.

Kayc to be honest I would love to do something different. My fantasy is to get on a plane with my son and enjoy somewhere hot and not 'Christmassy' for a week but alas my finances won't allow it. It is strange isn't it how social Xmas is and yet when we are alone our loneliness is what is magnified. It is both a joyful and cruel time of year depending on your circumstances. I wish I lived close. You would have at least one present around the tree! It's typical that all our loved ones we are missing loved Xmas so much. I wish my husband hadn't been so keen, because I will also miss his excitement and absurdly huge trees, his last minute panic buying and his enjoyment of his lunch.

Kevin you have inspired me to at least get a small tree when the moment comes. Last year I wasn't going to put up a tree because of losing my mum (my husband semi agreed) but my son and his friend dragged one home anyway so I guess you are right.

Katpilot how true. It's a season full of land mines we laid over so many years just waiting for us to hit them. Every ritual developed, every traditional food bought sets us up for heartbreak later on. Your beautiful wife was only 51, it's all wrong isn't it? You are right,  I will lean on the support of others and particularly on this forum. I don't want to upset my friends and colleagues, who with all their compassion, can't possibly understand fully the heartbreak, when they themselves are looking forward to the Xmas season. In any case I would hate people to 'feel sorry' for us.  I live in the land of Godiva. It is a Belgian chocolate company and I am here in Brussels! I will think of you and your wife next time I pass a shop!

I just wish I could feel his presence or see or feel a sign from him, but there is nothing as yet. Maybe it's too early? Who knows.

 

[kevin]

Small fake tree on a Coffee table fits the Bill.........Spray Pine scent, ready to go.......My small tree, I never "undecorated it", now it is my main(and only) tree.......I automatically avoid social outings that involve couples, not ready at all......

Edited September 25, 2015 by kevin
grammer

[kayc]

My husband had just turned 51 five days before he died.  Yes, it is way too young, we didn't expect it.

The last two years I have been sick through the holiday season, last year having surgery two days before Christmas, so I missed everything.  But I did have my tree up and watched all the Christmas specials on t.v. and enjoyed it although it was bittersweet being so alone.  Bless Anne for calling me after my surgery when even my kids didn't check on me.  Anne is one of the sweetest, most thoughtful people I know.

This year I hope I don't have to miss so much, although I'll miss seeing my granddaughter at Christmas, at least she won't be old enough to know what's going on yet.

Debi, I wish you could fly away to someplace balmy.  I understand about finances, I have to be frugal with even rides in the car.  BTW, you'll have to eat some of that chocolate, just for us!

[Guest]

Debi,

I also am struggling with how to handle Christmas this year and every year hence.  My wife, Deedo, loved Christmas so much that we have a room that stays Christmas year around and it was her favorite room. It always was her fervent hope that when she died she would become one of Santa's Helpers (One Magic Christmas).

 My daughter is taking her family to Disneyland for Christmas but that, for me, is a double whammy as Disneyland was also her favorite place on Earth; that's just too much for me.  I keep on waffling on what to do.  I have a son who says he'll be with me regardless of where I am.  We have two boys who live in Texas and a daughter in Chandler, AZ.  Our Christmas Eves were epic with the children and who ever else we could get to join us.  The past few years we've be working with the kids, now there are grandkids, to start establishing their own traditions.  We've been bowing out of the picture and going out with friends then coming back to the house for our traditional Brandy Alexanders.  

Now I can't envision what Christmas will be.  Maybe I will decorate the house, hand some lights, put on Christmas music and dance with my wife's apron and cry and then cry some more.  Probably go out for Christmas Eve dinner with a friend or two.  I don't know.  I may just hole up and wish time away but then Deedo would be disappointed if I did that.

[iPraiseHim]

My wife loved Christmas, before she became ill. Christmas was a big deal. She decorated four Christmas trees in different themes and lights.  She loved the lights, decorations, songs, and the mood of the year.  As she became more disabled the energy to do all of it diminished to the point where the last few years, we would just fix the Christmas meal. Sometimes on the weekend because it was to much for one day.  This last year, one of our clients bought us a Christmas dinner from the Honey Baked ham Company.  It was the best gift because we could spend the day together enjoying each others company.  I haven't decided what to do this year.  Our wedding anniversary is in December, too..  I am working on living in today.  Shalom

 

[enna]

This is a very sensitive subject for all of us because we all come from so many varied backgrounds, but I think it is important to know that whatever we decide to do is just fine.

This will be my 4th Holiday without my Jim and each year I found myself doing something different. This year the tree will go up again and I hope to have Thanksgiving Dinner here (something Jim and I had done for many years up until he was too ill for that much excitement). Since I don't have immediate family who will be able to join me I am preparing to invite eight people who will be alone this year ~ three will be family and the others will be friends who "get" what it means to have lost a soul mate. 

We always celebrated Christmas Eve with a gathering and then our religious celebration followed by a breakfast. I am too old  for such things now, but an early dinner and exchange of a gift might be nice. Christmas Day I will help serve dinner to the St. Vincent De Paul group again. 

Anne

Edited September 24, 2015 by enna
removed a link

[MartyT]

From our friends at Open to Hope: Tips for Handling the Holidays

 

Edited September 24, 2015 by MartyT

[debi.williams]

I can see from the posts here that we are all sailing in the same ship, in our case the Titantic and praying for a lifeboat.

Marty the people at Open to Hope are amazing. Their courage gives me hope.

Oh Kayc I wish too I could take my son and fly somewhere balmy. I understand well that the grief will board the plane with us but at least there would be no familiar things to trigger us. I know money doesn't buy you happiness but it does buy you some freedom that we, without spare cash, just don't have. Anne sounds like a lovely,caring friend. I promise I will buy some Godiva chocolate!

Brad, how wonderful that Deedo had a special Christmas room. In happier times, she sounds like a woman after my own heart! I can so understand why you can't face Disneyland, not only it being Deedo's favourite place but the relentless happiness I think, would be too much for you at this time without her. Your son sounds wonderful and very supportive and it will be important for him too to be with his dad.Whatever you decide to do I think it's important you are together.

George I love that your wife decorated FOUR trees! What a thoughtful gift from your client too.

Enna, What a comfort to have people you can invite to Thanksgiving who get what it feels to have lost a soulmate.

I know I have to have some plan in my head as I can't let these last teen years with my son be miserable and devoid of joy. Xmas 2013 there were 4 of us around the table enjoying Xmas (my mom, my husband, my son; myself) 2014 there were 3 and now there is 2. That is so painful to contemplate. Like you all in these posts, my little family of 4 were all huge fans of the season and used to get so excited in a frenzy of decorating, shopping and cooking. I have to think of something, I just have to.

[kayc]

I think it helps to prepare by having a plan in place rather than just letting the day come and hit us.  However you choose to spend the day, I hope you find comfort somehow in it.  I personally feel George is here with me.  I don't hear voices or feel a physical touch, it's just something I feel in my heart.

[Froggie4635]

I am trying to prepare myself for the whole impending holiday time.  This year will technically be my second Christmas without Mark, but since he died on December 4, I don't count it.  His service was held on December 18, a week before Christmas.  He had a big family, and holiday time is always such a hustle/bustle.  There are so many small children and Christmas is a magical time for them.  Last Christmas, I managed to go the mass on Christmas Eve with his mom, and to her house Christmas morning, just as Mark and I always did.  But her children were all concerned for her, and many of them showed up that morning and it became very overwhelming.  I didn't make it to the family dinner that night (another big Mueller tradition).  They say that anticipating the events usually ends up being worse than the actual event itself.  But I have to be real with myself.  It is going to be like a triple whammy...Thanksgiving, Mark's birthday (Dec. 2) and then the anniversary of his death, December 4.  I am trying to think of things I want to do to honor him, and to include his family.  I don't want to come across as this weeping widow who makes everyone sad.  I like Anne's idea of people writing down stories and memories.  That seems to be what I am missing the most...hearing people talk about Mark and share things with me.  I know his mom will have a mass scheduled for him at that time.  It is hard to get all his siblings together for any sort of event.  I am going to read all the postings and websites/articles suggested. Thanks to everyone here for the continued support and acceptance.

[enna]

Another thing I have done for the holiday is to make an ornament (using a clear bulb ornament from the craft store) and typing a list of ten things that I loved about Jim. I decorated the ornament and rolled the small paper up and put it in the bulb. Then I filled the inside of the ornament almost to the top with snowflakes. It takes center place on my tree now.

Last year I decorated a clear globe that sits on the mantle of the fireplace during the holidays. This ornament has a paper rolled inside, also. Inside I placed a list of five positive things I had accomplished that year. 

I am still working on a banner that will have Jim’s ties placed in a geometric design. This one is proving challenging to me because you have to remove all stitching and iron the ties flat first. If I don’t have enough ties the senior softball players who Jim scored for over eight years offered to supply me with ties.

One of these years I will plan a trip. I have not traveled alone accept to visit family. It is time to do something for me. This will be the fourth Christmas without my soul mate and I struggle every day. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it doesn't. We learn to adapt and weave our loved ones into our new lives.

Anne

 

 

[kevin]

All this talk about Christmas got me motivated.......tested half my outdoor lights and have them on right now....(neighbours giving looks).......While I'm at it, put up a couple of Angela's Pumpkins and Witches....might as well do it all at once. The inside of me will be hurting forever but the Outside me will carryon and make people smile........On the different note, can't cook a turkey for one person, decided on small chicken...........This Christmas season will be remembered for a long time. and for the right reasons.....

[Guest]

Anne-

I love the idea of the ornaments.  That has started me thinking of ways to add Deedo to the decorations.  Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and the kids and I are starting a Fairy Garden in the backyard under the genelia maples that she loved so much; so I'm feeling good about that.  Although I anticipate something will rise up a slam me back to reality.  But then that happens several times a day so why should her birthday be any different.

 

Kevin -

I was actually thinking of cooking a small turkey breast around the holidays and then freezing the meat for sandwiches and turkey alfredo over the next several months.  I am jealous about your lights.  Every December I'm taking down my lights I swear I will spend a few days in July going through decorations when it's warm enough to really check them out.  That's never happened and probably won't this year either.

[debi.williams]

Kevin I love your spirit! To heck with the neighbours. Go for it!

KayC yes, I feel I need a plan in place otherwise it will just creep up and I will be too paralysed to do anything.

Maryann, you have so many milestones coming up my heart goes out to you.It is also difficult to be around small children when they are so (quite rightly excited) whilst your heart is breaking all over again. Lord knows I so tune into you saying you miss people talking about Mark. The only person I can talk to about my husband  is my friend in New Zealand via email because I don't want to keep burdening my friends closer to home and nor do I think it fair to keep talking about it with my son if it seems he doesn't want to, but you just want to talk endlessly don't you Maryann?

Anne, I love the idea of the banner with Jim's ties. It sounds tricky but it will be fantastic to achieve. 

Brad the idea of a turkey breast is a good one. even when Mom and my husband were here and I chose a small(ish) turkey there was waste, although my husband did love it so.

Folks, I just want to say how comforting you all are to me and how you have all reacted to this post. I HATE that we are all living with such grief and are even having to cautiously plan what should be a joyous, spontaneous time. We are all so fragile. I think back to how excited Christmas made me and to how lucky I was to have had so many happy times. This year there will be ghosts around the table. That Christmas will never be the same again for any of us is sure, but do you think we will ever recapture even a quarter of the joy we once felt?

[kayc]

For me...not a quarter, but maybe 1-3%.  It's just different.  Not having him to hold me takes away at least 90% of the joy, and not being able to talk to him and do things with him, the rest.

[kevin]

IWhen things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,And many a fellow turns aboutWhen he might have won had he stuck it out.Don't give up though the pace seems slow -You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;Often the struggler has given upWhen  he might have captured the victor's cup;And he learned too late when the night came down,How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,And you never can tell how close you are,It might be near when it seems afar;So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

found this Poem on a Plaque in our basement guestroom.......cleaning for Christmas....One of Angela's Gems......

[debi.williams]

How wonderful Kevin and thank you so much for sharing that. Amazing you came across it. A gift to you from Angela I think....