Shock and Awe after 1 year

[Margm]

Well George, I hate that.  I wish you hadn't.  I am not quite far enough along for you all that I use for guides to move on.  I already am old, if I move from here I will be obsolete.  I will go find you.

[iPraiseHim]

I have reconsidered. 

A friend called me last night to check in and see how I was doing.  She met "US" years before and Rose Anne's charismatic personality was drawn to praying and encouraging this lady.  Because of Rose Anne, this lady changed her life and later cared for and supported her ex-husband through his last years with Alzheimer's.   She was with her ex-husband when he took his last breath.  When my wife died, this lady just listened to me. And she calls periodically just to make sure I am okay.  People from church don't do that.  Friends who have lost their spouse didn't call.  People who said they would call never did.

I still don't feel quite grown up enough with my grief to Post in the other place "LIVING with LOSS".  I am slowly moving forward from the INTENSE stage of SHOCK and AWE and excruciating heart pain.  I also see some hints of progress in working through this grief but I am not cured or healed or have arrived.  I am in between two worlds.  The world I absolutely loved,; Living and sharing every blessed day with my beloved wife, Rose Anne. and now this after world. I am not a husband, protector, caretaker, or provider in the same sense as before.   

By God's grace,  I am moving forward day by day.  Trying to do the best I can with the limited energy, resources, and desire.  I still feel like I am living on a half life mode.  I have experienced some joy in being able to help my father, still work, trying to improve my health, etc. I struggle with loneliness and companionship that most people don't really talk about or share on this forum but that's okay.  It is not easy to talk about. I am not ready to deal with that part of my life right now because I am just trying to survive through each day. 

so Marg, I haven't left.  I still feel I belong here. and  on some days I may be able to encourage and exhort another. On some days I will need to express what ever TRUE feelings and thoughts are going on; good, bad, or ugly.  Because I do best when I get it out of my head and share with others because someone else may have already gone through it or are going through it.  It helps to know I am not alone. 

[Margm]

Well George, then I can quit having my hizzy fit.  We are the feminine side of this stuff, and we need the male side too.  You, Brad, KPilot, Mitch, Kevin, Bill, and I know I am leaving someone out, but we need the male side also.  And, I am so lazy and computer challenged, I just don't like to jump from one forum to the next.

[kayc]

George, I hope you continue listening to your inner self as to what you need.  I was going to find you and post with you but I'm not going over there by myself.   Besides, I'd still want to check on my friends here.  

George, the loneliness and lack of companionship is something we all feel, and it's no matter how many years out.  It's okay to talk about here if you want to.  I think we can all add our amen to it.

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 I am so lazy and computer challenged, I just don't like to jump from one forum to the next.

I'm not lazy and a bit computer challenged, but this is the forum I belong in.  I might be here forever for how I feel sometimes.   

[Gwenivere]

Good to see you posting again, George.  I don't know if you mean struggles with companionship and loneliness that are  not talked about being physical and intimacy.  I know that is a very big part of my lonely times.  We lost intimacy because of the type if cancer, but touch itself is so important to just about every species.  I feel the psychological impact of that loss deeply.

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Like you, I may be here forever. My grief may not be as intense, but it will be with me forever. Losing my husband and daughter after 50 years has left a hole on my heart that cannot be mended. For me, it is easier to speak of it less as it cannot be changed.

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I have been finding talking less is becoming the norm as well.  I never wanted to rehash the details because living them once was enough.  I've seen a change in how I communicate with people now.  Maybe it is from so much time finding they cannot understand and I cannot make them.  It would be the same, I see now, if the situation was reversed.  Just like I cannot imagine or ever understand losing a child as you have.  What that must feel like.  I can talk here.  I'm drawn to it because I know I don't need many words.  So if something envelopes me, I know I have somewhere with people that understand the 'shorthand'.  Energy is limited and I am careful how I spend it.  

[brat#2]

I will probably be here forever too.  It is such a caring place and like has been said, a wonderful place to be able to really say our feelings and know that people understand.  I was thinking last night of how much I miss his touch.  When we would pass each other in a room, we would either hug or just touch each others arms or when watching TV we would touch each others arms or hold each other hands.  I miss his big strong hand holding mine and making me feel safe.  Just another thing that we can't have again and miss. 

Joyce

[iPraiseHim]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Good to see you posting again, George.  I don't know if you mean struggles with companionship and loneliness that are  not talked about being physical and intimacy.  I know that is a very big part of my lonely times.  We lost intimacy because of the type if cancer, but touch itself is so important to just about every species.  I feel the psychological impact of that loss deeply.

Yes.  Due to the progression of type 2 diabetes it took away my wife's libido and so for the last nine years we were not able to be sexually intimate.  It was difficult to adjust to but our wedding vows were "for better or worse, in sickness and in health".  She missed it as well.  We still touched, hugged, and kissed daily.  My wife said that my kisses would take her breath away (no, I wasn't suffocating her... lol).  She would just brighten up when she saw me each day.  Her touch just electrified me and calmed my spirit.  She had such a strong effect on grounding me and keeping me focused on keeping the first things first.  All of that is gone now.  It is a struggle to realize and deal with the fact that I am single again.  I am not ready to date and frankly would even know where to start.  Besides, now I know that if I get in a serious relationship one of us is going to die and the other has to go through this grief.  I never realized this aspect of deep committed loved and right now it still sucks. This species still misses my species very much. Shalom - George 

[brat#2]

George - to me just touching in a non sexual way was intimacy and until you don't have it any longer you don't and won't realize how much you miss it.  When we were first married, he traveled a lot driving truck, but I always knew in about 10 days he would be back and we could make up for lost time.  This time there is no making up for the lost time and it's devasting along with everything else.  I'm not interested in dating either and wouldn't want to go through this again or put anyone else through it, besides Dale was my one true love and soul mate.

Joyce

 

[scba]

30 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

George - to me ouching in a non sexuas intimacy and until you don't have it any longer you don't and won't realize how much you miss it.  When we were first married, he traveled a lot driving truck, but I always knew in about 10 days he would be back and we could make up for lost time.  This time there is no making up for the lost time and it's devasting along with everything else.  I'm not interested in dating either and wouldn't want to go through this again or put anyone else through it, besides Dale was my one true love and soul mate.

Joyce

 

I too feel the same. 

[scba]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Karen, I have been finding talking less is becoming the norm as well.  I never wanted to rehash the details because living them once was enough.  I've seen a change in how I communicate with people now.  Maybe it is from so much time finding they cannot understand and I cannot make them.  It would be the same, I s now, if the situation wersed.  Just like I cannot imagine or ever understand losing a child as you have.  What that must feel like.  I can talk here.  I'm drawn to it because I know I don't need many words.  So if something envelopes me, I know I have somewhere with people that understand the 'shorthand'.  Energy is limited and I am careful how I spend it.  

I have made some improvements in this front. I would feel under attack and strike back at people throwing platitudes or well intentioned quotes without base on the reality of grief. Now I can calmly reply to them. Hope this attitude lasts. It took me time and lot of therapy to understand them and myself. 

[scba]

21 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I have reconsidered. 

A friend called me last night to check in and see how I was doing.  She met "US" years before and Rose Anne's charismatic personality was drawn to praying and encouraging this lady.  Because of Rose Anne, this lady changed her life and later cared for and supported her ex-husband through his last years with Alzheimer's.   She was with her ex-husband when he took his last breath.  When my wife died, this lady just listened to me. And she calls periodically just to make sure I am okay.  People from church don't do that.  Friends who have lost their spouse didn't call.  People who said they would call never did.

I don't understand why friends who would understand and support because they went through the same, didn't call. Maybe they want to forget that pain. 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 My wife said that my kisses would take her breath away (no, I wasn't suffocating her... lol). 

All of that is gone now.  It is a struggle to realize and deal with the fact that I am single again.  I am not ready to date and frankly would even know where to start.  Besides, now I know that if I get in a serious relationship one of us is going to die and the other has to go through this grief.  I never realized this aspect of deep committed loved and right now it still sucks. This species still misses my species very much. Shalom - George 

Yes, I know that feeling of having my breath taken away.  At least we still had that.  

The thought of another man does not even compute for me.  Forget about starting that whole process!  The thought of doing this again is beyond comprehension too.  Or doing it another.

Hugs, hand holding and all that are great, but, like you, there is a deeper intimacy I miss with a particular member of my species.  It's not something that gets talked about.  There is so much more to being alone than just having them to talk to.  But we adapt because we have to.  And then to lose that is so very hard.

[iPraiseHim]

I spent most of the day at my Dad's to help restore his computer to full function.  After much computer apps cleanup and removal. Installing several programs to protect and manage his system; adding a Password manager program; and finally getting the Windows update function to work. I organized his favorite webpages, banking, e-mail, etc.  The computer system is up and running. He lamented Saturday that if he didn't get his computer fixed soon he would just have to go and buy another on.  I am thankful that I have gained the knowledge, wisdom, patience, and tenacity to get his computer fixed.  He grinned joyfully when I was able to get him connected to his online secured banking account to pay some bills. Hopefully, he will let me help him with some other things that need to be cared for.

Now tomorrow is the last day to file last years federal income taxes and this years first quarterly income payment installments.  There are lots more taxes to finish for state and federal for the business side of taxes.  I need to get some rest so I can do a good job tomorrow.  It was such a busy day, there was little time to think about my beloved.  Tired is good when you are ready for sleep.  Shalom

[mittam99]

George, it's awesome that you were able to be your dad's high tech superhero!

Get some sleep and put your superhero cape in a safe place til tomorrow.

[kayc]

George, you can always file an extension but you'd still have to estimate your taxes and pay them in and I don't know how you know how much until you actually do them. Unless they're similar to last year's, and what business is?

I'm glad you were able to help your dad.  and I hope you have a profitable day tomorrow.  It looks like I have a busy day tomorrow at the church doing the books so even in my retirement I can still dread Mondays.  

[iPraiseHim]

I completed the Federal tax extension and this years Federal quarters estimate payments are paid.  I run my business with the QuickBooks Business software and keep track of my revenue and expenses each week, monthly, quarterly and yearly.  I was stunned how much more taxes the government (Federal and State) requires me to pay.  Most people do not realize just how much they pay in taxes.  I earn half of what the average person makes in the United States  yet between, US INCOME, Virginia Income tax, Social Security, Medicare, ( I have to pay double) because I own the business.  My taxes are 25% of my income.  Then next year it goes up another $1,000 because my wife is dead and I'm single. Then when you add up real estate taxes, personal property taxes, city taxes, drainage fees, etc.  and OBAMACARE  that increased 225% with only me covered now.  I really don't know how the government wants to tax us some more. 

It's been a frustrating day.  Then I try to upgrade my security monitoring service and find out it will not work on my cheapest mobile carrier STRAIGHT TALK because apparently every business entity  has to NEGOTIATE with each carrier (i.e. pay them money to send text messages).  I still have lots more tax paperwork to do.  The State forms and payments are due at the end of the month and all of the Federal and State business tax reports have to be filed even though I have no workers or withdrawals.  If I don't fill them they will FINE me for not filing Zero withholding reports. .... OKAY vent closing.  Yea, tomorrow I just get to work.  Shalom - George

[mittam99]

George, all this must give you a warm and fuzzy feeling about our government, huh?  I feel your pain. Now go get some rest and tomorrow will hopefully be a much better and less stressful day. 

[kayc]

George,

Well you accomplished a lot even if it wasn't income-generating (more like sucking the blood right out of you), yay tax day is over!  I like Quickbooks, I used to use QB Pro and the last company I worked for used QB online, it is more limited and the PR module is strange, but it was handy being able to access it from home as well as the office, it enabled me to keep working even when sick.   At the church they use 2007 home version of Quicken, VERY limited, no payroll module whatsoever so I have to keep track of that by hand, which I do with Excel.  If only we could afford a better system but we can't right now.

I know small businesses are hit harder than they can afford, and it's really unfortunate.  I know too many in this boat.  

[iPraiseHim]

A free viewing is available for today, Saturday and Sunday. There is incredible information for those who want to know the truth about cancer, the foods we eat, and how to live healthier naturally.  Here is the FREE LINK:

https://go2.thetruthaboutcancer.com/agq/replay/?gl=582824104&a_aid=56fa1cec56e52&a_bid=dbf78155

There are a total of nine videos.  I watched the first two before.  I am watching the third now.  Great information you can research and confirm for yourself.

Shalom - George

[iPraiseHim]

It's been a busy week.  The good news is I started to use a new Greens drink and I have noticed improved energy and less pain in my muscles and legs.  The bad news is someone broke into my Dad's home again twice today while he was at the dentist.  This will make the fourth break in. The alarm system went off and the Police came out quickly but didn't catch them. 30 minutes later, they broke in again and stole the keypad.  I had planned to stop and visit today anyway. When I arrived my Dad seemed pretty flustered and said he would not leave his home for Church services Friday and Saturday.  I called the Alarm company immediately after my Dad told me of the break in to get the keypad disabled. They knew he had a break in and said they would immediately send the keypad out and he would receive it tomorrow.  When it arrives, all he needs to do is call them and they will walk through the process with him.  My Dad gets easily frustrated and gets flustered.

In talking with my sister, I found out that when the police came to gather information, they seemed to be more concerned about my Dad's mental state than about catching the bad guys.  My Dad is 83 but still very sharp and alert.  When he gets frustrated his impatience with the situation grows.  He hits the full level pretty quick and gets snappy.  My Brother-in-law will help him tomorrow to gather materials to repair the broken window and try to secure other areas of the home. I have a full work schedule tomorrow and another estimate in the evening. And work scheduled for Friday and possible Saturday. My Dad is a half hour drive from my place. I am very frustrated and aggravated that they continue to mess with my Dad.  The laws are such that you really can not protect your property anymore.   Shalom - George  

[kayc]

George, makes me understand why so many are into gun rights.  I own a pistol and wouldn't hesitate to use it if someone broke in while I was home, not knowing what harm they intended, but would undoubtedly feel horrid the rest of my life if anything happened.  Why do people put us in such situations?  I've never had the police come out when I've been burglarized.

[Margm]

Obviously the police and an ambulance come to my street if I use ear buds listening to meditation and cannot hear my phone, at near 2:00 a.m.  But I am leaving a no crime area with a deputy sheriff living at the end of the street for unknown trouble.  Still have to do it.  George, I can understand your dad's frustration.  Yours too.