Shock and Awe after 1 year

[MartyT]

To Rose Anne from all of us

[iPraiseHim]

Thanks everyone.  Marty, that picture touched my heart.  ( grief burst).  My work was cancelled today by my client.  She has a house full of sick people with a serious contagious infection.  She was thoughtful to warn me and reschedule for another time.  I came back home to two computer issues.  It is amazing that when I turn off the computers for four days that these issues arise.  Apparently there was a router issue and I couldn't get my WIFI to work.  I was thinking of MartyT being offline for over a week. 

Also, I got a message about the " CPU cooling fan not detected".  I opened up the case  and I could see the fan! It was dusty so I blew the dust away (power off) and the fan moves freely.  I still get the message. The repair shop wants to charge me $100 just to look at the machine... I'll  do some more research before I do that.  I installed an app that monitors the CPU core temperature and it will turn the computer off if the temperature gets too high. I usually leave the computer on and it goes into sleep mode after an hour. I will turn the computer off for now until I get this fixed . I don't want to leave it unattended.

I did finally get the router fixed.  I first unplugged the power and let it come back online but still no WIFI.I was so disappointed and almost got into a funk and lost my peace but then I decided to just accept that it is what it is.  I prayed and turned this problem over to God and ate my dinner in silence. ( No WIFI connection) With peace restored, I wrote down the router settings to get ready to do a factory reset.  I noticed a button that said, " Do you want to reboot? " Why, yes I do.  It fixed the problem.  Yea!

So, I'm off to go do something productive.  Have a great day. Shalom - George

[kayc]

I'm glad that took care of the problem, George.  Computers are great but can be maddening!  I use my copic air compressor (it's not very strong) to blow the dust out of my computer and then use a paint brush to get to some of the hard to reach places, blow again (with computer off!), about twice a year...I get a lot of dust where I am.

Marty, that picture for Rose Anne is beautiful!  I hope your day went okay, George...I have my hardest days coming up next month.

[iPraiseHim]

I working on the CPU fan and found out that the fan comes on when the computer is warmed up.  After it sits off for over an hour, I still get the 511-CPU Fan not detected and the fan is not spinning.  When I hit the F1 boot, then the fan starts up.  I believe the fan is beginning to fail.  I am looking for a replacement fan.  I will leave the computer on and if the fan fails, then a program will automatically shut down the computer so that it will not destroy the motherboard. 

I was able to get another nap this afternoon. The sleep was so good.  I am in good spirits. Yesterday, was a good day with pleasant memories.  There is something about going around the calendar a second time without your beloved that gives me a different perspective.  I still don't like it, but I trust I will survive. Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayer, and care.  Shalom - George

[kayc]

I haven't heard of a program that protects your computer from overheating, what is the name of it?

Fans are cheap but they sure can cause expensive damage when they fail!

I kind of felt the same way, George.  A lot of people say the second year is harder than the first, but what can be harder than finding out your spouse died and having to get used to sleeping without them, etc.?!  I think the reason a lot of people think the second year is harder is they expected the worst of it to be over the first year and it's not, and expectations can really trip us up.  This isn't a quick or easy journey.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I think the reason a lot of people think the second year is harder is they expected the worst of it to be over the first year and it's not, and expectations can really trip us up.  This isn't a quick or easy journey.

Amen, sister!  I had no idea what to expect at the first year mark, but I had a world of people around me expecting me to be all better.  I think it gets even harder because we can't talk about as much out there.  If one is lucky enough to have at least one person to keep talking with, that really helps.  But the majority of people don't get it, as we know.  I call them the Magical Milestone People.  To be avoided at all costs.

[Margm]

I fill Billy's side of the bed with books, makeup (which I don't wear), clothes, a huge magnifying glass, the suitcase from this weekend's trip.  It is full except for the tall skinny man that belongs there.  

[Gwenivere]

One of our dogs that always slept between us has spread out now onto Steves pillow.  It helps because I can pet her as I drift off.  It seems to be her favorite spot to sleep anytime now.  She misses her dad.  Just like her mom does.  

[kayc]

I've really been so fortunate because my family still talks with me about George, and they don't expect me to ever be "over him", not happening!  They know he was a once in a lifetime guy.

I'm glad you have your dog to sleep with, Gwen.  My dog cuddles with me right before he goes to bed, but he prefers to sleep in a spot of his choosing.

[iPraiseHim]

Okay.  Here is the free program that monitors your CPU temperature.  I would recommend down loading the self-install app. 

http://www.alcpu.com/CoreTemp/

After it installed I select the over protection option so the computer would auto shut down before the CPU hits critical mass and burns up your computer.  I set mine manually to shutdown 15 seconds after it hits 20' degrees cooler to avoid over heating issues.  My fan is working but it starts up slow kind of like I do when I wake up in the morning. If you have questions, I'll try to help.

KayC, the first year was so traumatic, I never thought ahead to beyond it but expected life's grief rollercoaster would smooth out.  Everyone timeline is different.  I am thankful, I dealt with each issue as it came up instead of burying my head in the sand.  Initially, it was hard to breath, or sleep, or eat or live. My expectations of others had to change in that I expect that others who have been through it would help.  Most people really are clueless.  Death happens to other people.  Life is for the living.  It is puzzling because every one of us will die someday.  I am thankful that you and so many others have helped me and many of us through our grief trials.  I pray that by sharing and showing my struggles that others will understand that somehow, someway, they will also learn to hold on, hang on, and learn how to live with grief and to live life fully. 

I still would rather go back to the way it was, but I realize know it was not the best outcome for my beloved wife.  She told me awhile back that this progressive disease of Diabetes and the convention treatment plan made her feel so old.  As shocking as her death was to me, after hearing other stories, I realize that God truly knows what is best for each of us.  As I am coming to accept her death, I realize I have much more to learn, I am more resilient than I thought .

Another revelation in the last few days, my avoidance of physical pain has got me to this point in my health.  In order to strengthen muscle, I need to exercise, get sore, tear the muscles to cause them to strengthen and get stronger.  I'm not going nuts or getting into pain but I realize that the expression "No Pain no Gain" has some validity to it. 

So , I ' am going to start walking again tomorrow, even when it hurts.  Shalom - George

[Gwenivere]

George, death happens to other people is the mantra of those not in our situation.  There was a time I was there too.  Heard about it and was so glad it was not in my life.  Then time happened and lost parents, siblings and friends.  Now the ultimate.  Always knew it was around, didn't know I'd get a new roommate from it.  

Good luck on the walking.  I've really lost a lot of mobility in the last year and a half and that adds more challenge to this new existence.  Mine is not conducive to just start walking again.  Another challenge.  I've developed a nifty unique Gwen limp tho.  

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

Another revelation in the last few days, my avoidance of physical pain has got me to this point in my health.  In order to strengthen muscle, I need to exercise, get sore, tear the muscles to cause them to strengthen and get stronger.  I'm not going nuts or getting into pain but I realize that the expression "No Pain no Gain" has some validity to it. 

So , I ' am going to start walking again tomorrow, even when it hurts.  Shalom - George

Me too, George! I'm having some problems due to a lack of strength, which is kind of astonishing because I was so athletic for so long. But taking care of my dad and then the past five months of doing nothing I didn't have to do, sleeping a lot etc. has done no favors for my fitness. The O.T. told me that the reason my elbow isn't getting better since falling on it in February is that my shoulder muscles are weak and so other muscles in the arm are having to compensate. I thought I was back on it when I went to the gym on Sunday, but then I kinda forgot about it in the midst of falling two days in a row-Monday and Tuesday. Today I had a short walk. Tomorrow...I'm going back to the gym and I'll think about you on your walk!

[iPraiseHim]

The time is 10 pm.  I wished I paid more attention to the time when I woke up. I woke up today at 5:30, about an hour earlier than I had planned.  I woke up refreshed and energized.  I took a hot, Epsom salt bath and got ready for work.  Drank my NanoGreens 10 deink, Kefir and ate my usual  two hard boiled eggs for breakfast. I packed my cooler and even juiced some carrots, celery, radishes, beets, ginger, garlic, and tomatoes.  I loaded up the car and got my tools ready and headed for work.  As I was driving to the home to be cleaned, I kept thinking, " It sure does look dark for 9am. I checked my phone, my watch, the car clock.  I couldn't figure out why it was so dark. I thought it must be extremely low clouds blocking the sunrise.  I even checked my phone app to see what time the sun rose but it didn't tell me.  When I arrived, I unload my equipment and saw a neighbor walking his dog and commented how dark it was for 9AM.  he said, " Yes, we must be getting closer to summer?" 

When I got in the home one of the clients son, had a very puzzled look on his face and called his Mom.  She smile and said, " George you are welcome to leave your tools here, but it is 9PM (evening) not 9am .  I have been cleaning their home for 14 years and she just chuckled and said I just got my time wrong, it has happened to her( she is a Doctor).  I am absolutely stunned and bewildered. I am not exactly sure what happened.  I only got four hours sleep last night so I must have took an afternoon nap and just thought it was time to go to work.  I don't normally go to work on Sunday, but this is the only time to clean her home.  Her regular day was Wednesday but she rescheduled because there was a raging contagious flu or virus sweeping through here home. Well, this is one for the record books.  I will need to pay more attention to AM and PM.  ( Most of my clocks in my home and car are 12 hour clocks but that is not a good excuse.)  Life sure is interesting.  Shalom - George 

[Patty65]

On 5/19/2016 at 4:10 PM, Marg M said:

I fill Billy's side of the bed with books, makeup (which I don't wear), clothes, a huge magnifying glass, the suitcase from this weekend's trip.  It is full except for the tall skinny man that belongs there.  

Oh, I'm not the only one who fills up his side of the bed! Anything but empty.  I have his pillows layered so high I can't see his clock, just like always when he lays there.  If that's not enough, there's always my clean laundry, which never make it back to the closet before I wear it again.

[kayc]

George, that is hilarious!  So you had to go home after all that and now still have their house to do?  That's funny!  I remember my mom calling me a few years ago and asking me if it was 9:30 am or 9:30 pm.  I told her if she gets too confused and can't reach us, to check what's on t.v.  You may have to do that, George.

[iPraiseHim]

Good suggestion ,KayC.  I don't normally watch TV in the AM.  Everything I watch is through the Internet. 

I went to work at 9AM and this time there was sunlight.  I had another good night sleep.  Today was good and uneventful.  It is odd to be working on Sunday, but this is the only time the home could be cleaned.  Even after 15 months, crazy things do happen.  I am not sure what a normal life would be like anymore.  This grief lens distorts my view of life.  I get glimpses of what a normal day would be like but then I am reminded again and again of being apart from my beloved wife. I am missing her presence more tonight than usual.  She would have had a very good laugh about this.  But then again, she would have stopped me from going out to work at 9 PM ( lol) 

I will be checking the clocks (AM/PM) several times to make sure I am in the right time slot. 

On another note, my Natural Dr. recommended a diet (500cal) and some supplement that will help me to lose 30-40 pounds of weight each month.  He says it is safe but also knows  I will do my research before I commit to it.  It is also expensive.  After doing my research, I have decided to NOT follow that diet plan.  I do not want to risk my health, mess up my hormones, be too weak to work, damage my heart, etc... I don't have peace about his plan. The doctor also used some scare tactics ( said I could stroke or have a heart attack soon if I don't shed this weight quickly.) I don't like being manipulated through fear to urge me to do his plan. 

Realistically, I know how to lose this excess weight safely, and keep it off. I have lost weight safely before and kept it off. So I will pray, plan, and go.  My family has a couple of birthday celebrations ahead this next week so I plan to be diligent about committing to a better food plan by June 1st.  The hardest part for me is to commit to making the decision. I only have to do the plan for one day at a time. TODAY. 

I have been feeling better and gaining energy in strength the last couple of months by changing the foods I have been eating.  This time, I plan on enjoying this process and journey of losing this excess weight, gaining energy, strength and my health.  By telling everyone here, it is my way of committing to following my plan that I have peace about that is healthy and energizing.  This is yet another interesting twist on this grief journey.  I would have never told anyone but my wife before.  I trust everyone here with your, prayers, love, encouragement and support.  Shalom - George 

[scba]

Very good George!

[brat#2]

George - sounds like your plan is better than the doctor's one.  I will be going to a doctor soon for the 1st time in almost 10 years, and I'm sure I will get the speech about needing to lose weight, etc, but I agree with you, I don't like being bullied into something I'm not comfortable with.  I too have lost weight before on my own and I know how to do it, but right now I'm just in that place where I want too.  I guess I'll see where it leads.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

George, I AM SO GLAD YOU DECIDED NOT TO FOLLOW THAT DIET PLAN!  I have to wonder about his sanity!  I used to be a Prism Weight Loss Director, and we told everyone not to go below 1,000 (and preferably 1,200 calories a day...for men it was 1,300 -1,500).  If you are very active, you have to add more calories to that.  If you go below that amount, your body thinks it's in starvation mode and starts hanging on to the fat, which is self-defeating!  When my daughter started Prism, she had to ADD calories in order to lose weight!  By eating healthy (and I've since learned combinations of foods make a difference) you will feel more full and less likely to eat the things that add on the weight.  We all know we can't eat excess carbs, I personally have to watch fats.  A lot of people eat more protein, which helps burn the fat, but I have to be careful about meats because of my medical conditions, so I try to get protein from legumes and nuts.  It's all about balance!  I wouldn't worry about dropping too quickly, if you lose it slower, it's less likely to screw up your metabolism and you will be more likely to keep it off.

My biggest adversary with weight is turning to food for emotional fulfillment, which we all know is a no-no!

[iPraiseHim]

Today is my birthday.  This is now the second birthday without my sweetheart. She made me feel so special and loved.  This second birthday is like setting up "after Rose Anne" routines.  My sister planning for a get together and I would rather just skip it but she has this whole family gathering image wrapped up in her head.  She means well, but nothing compares to life before with Rose Anne. I am fighting not feeling sorry for myself.  There is a void that just cannot be filled. 

I worked all day and was very tired and my muffler has issues ( wants to fall off).  After work, I traveled out to my Dad's home where we all gathered to go eat out at a Mexican restaurant.  Dinner was nice my Dad paid for it.  ( He never used to want to eat out at restaurants when Mom was alive).  My sister made some special brownies and we had that for dessert back at my sister's home.  She also bought me a Paleo recipe book because she heard I was considering following that diet plan. I guess I am just melancholy and missing my wife.  The routines of life after she died are so different now.  Tomorrow will be a new day with new grace.  May has been a very busy and grief filled month. I am going to count my blessings now and remind myself that I do have much to be grateful for.  Shalom - George

[Gwenivere]

I hope you get a decent nights sleep after a day that is now forever changed for you, George.  We never did much for our birthdays anymore, but it was just being together.  I'm not looking forward to my 2nd with Steve.  They were our greatest gift.  That sounds so corny, but I know it is true.

[mittam99]

"Happy" belated birthday, George. I know it wasn't easy or truly a happy day. I'm so sorry all of us have to go through our lives without the one person that brought us happiness. I hope you find some measure of comfort and even some sense of happiness on your next birthday (although as we all know, it will never be the same).

[scba]

"Happy" belated birthday George. 

[Margm]

i know you did not feel like celebrating.  We never had parties, ate out occasionally, but were  very low key in any of our celebrating, unless Billy was to get presents.  He did not care about the celebrating, but he wanted those presents.  That was why we called him Billy the Kid.  This is late, but I hope you have as good a birthday each year as you can manage.  

[kayc]

George,

Happy Birthday!  (In my family we celebrate all month.)  I love Marg's cake, beautifully decorated, I'm assuming it's chocolate inside!

In Oregon you have to be careful if anyone offers you "special brownies" (marijuana is legal here).

That said, I'm sorry you're having muffler problems, I don't think it costs much to have it reattached if it doesn't need replaced.

I know it's not the same when our beloved is gone.   That's really all I would ever want for my birthday or any day...