iheartm Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 The subject line is my life right now. In addition to the incredible sadness that I feel all the time, I am now hit with the "Wait, what do you mean he's never coming back? What do you mean I'm never going to speak to him again? That just cannot be." For a while after he passed, I think my brain was convinced that he was on a trip or something as I was crushed, sad and devastated beyond belief, but somehow thought, "He'll be back soon." The realization that he isn't is beginning to overwhelm me and make me cry all the time. I can't stop thinking, "Holy cow, there's no way he would do this to me. He would NEVER leave me." And he wouldn't. But he did. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I know, I think we all felt that way as reality began to set in. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I know exactly how you feel. Last weekend I got gut punched with the reality I will never see him again in this life and maybe never. I used to try and think he was travelling. But that couldnt last long because he never came home. Never called. I've known this for a long time, but this time it became so real I don't know how to handle it. I can really see the future now and he is not in it. He didn't want to leave, but he had to. He fought so hard. That he lost is the saddest thing. His competitor was just too strong. I get angry at them both. One for picking on us and that Steve had to surrender. He was always the pillar of strength and to see that stolen from him just make me irate at times. As with so many things,it was not fair. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I think that is part of our self defense mechanism. In the early days, I would pretend Ron was off hunting somewhere as that was his passion before his illness. Then the image of his hospital bed in our family room would creep in as I watched him take that last breath over and over again. In time the image has faded. Because my daughter lived far away and I did not see her often, it was a bit easier to pretend she was just a phone call away. In my heart, I knew she wasn't. The last few days of her life is much harder to erase. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I feel the same as you all. I just had a very 'wall slamming moment' of thinking of my sister. She didn't want to die, she had another 50 years to experience. I hate thinking of her life being cut short. I miss her so much. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I also have the same feelings as all of you. I can't believe he is gone and not coming back. I did and still do to some extent, expect him to walk in the door and say to me "Hi Brat". I will never hear that again. I had a heart wrenching incident last evening, I heard the ice cream truck coming down the street, even though we never stopped it, he would always, like a little kid, scream "iceceam" , I burst into tears. You never know when those triggers are going to hit. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 I have read the book from J Didion, the year of magical thinking, to understan more about this feeling. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 11 minutes ago, TH said: and then it'll hit me, there won't be any more talking. He's completely gone forever. It's terrifying. Yes, it is terrifying. That is a perfect word to describe it. I seriously still cannot believe this has happened. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 On 3/3/2016 at 5:53 PM, iheartm said: The subject line is my life right now. In addition to the incredible sadness that I feel all the time, I am now hit with the "Wait, what do you mean he's never coming back? What do you mean I'm never going to speak to him again? That just cannot be." For a while after he passed, I think my brain was convinced that he was on a trip or something as I was crushed, sad and devastated beyond belief, but somehow thought, "He'll be back soon." The realization that he isn't is beginning to overwhelm me and make me cry all the time. I can't stop thinking, "Holy cow, there's no way he would do this to me. He would NEVER leave me." And he wouldn't. But he did. I still feel the same way after nearly two and a half years......surely he is coming back.....I know he would never have left me and yet he is gone and I don't feel he's gone. It's a weird kind of limbo and it hurts a lot. Mind cannot comprehend the heart so broken open it feels there is just to much to heal it all. I hate it. I want to move on more than I have and there is so much more I want to do in this life and still part of me cries every day. It's much better than it was in the beginning and still I want him back.....it's so lonely without him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 I know Deedo isn't coming back but what I am hit with frequently is that I am stuck in someone else's life. It simply astounds me that with everything we faced, dealt with and moved on from in our life together that there was something we couldn't conquer. I was there, I watched and nursed and fed and cared for her. For seventeen months we traveled the road of lung cancer together, always optimistic; and then she was gone. It seems so surreal that this is my life now. Two years ago we were planning cruises and tours and jaunts here and there not knowing the insidious monster that was building. Two years ago it was me we were concerned about but then I was always the one we were concerned about. Ten years ago a group of fourteen of us traveled to the Caribbean. Today five are gone and one more has been battling Alzheimers for over five years and is not expected to survive much longer. Nearly all of the couples are now widow/er/s. Has to be someone else's life. This can't be mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anearia Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 I feel like a stalker reading all your posts and thinking Holly mackerel these poor people, and then I remember : thats me right now too!!! I can feel the pain in every one of your posts. I know the terror of realization and I know nothings gonna make it better. the unreality of this reality is beyond my ability to understand/process... Lars and I often spent time apart-him working a site in one place me in another. Last year he was away for 3 months for rehab-it was hellish-for both of us.... It was last year this time that he went off to rehab. I feel we were cheated out of time we couldve had together. I expect him to arrive home any moment. My Folks live on the same small holding out in the stix here-theyre artists and my best buddies. They re using Lars' van at the mo as theirs is in for some work... Every time that van comes down the drive Lars' dog Flashy goes nuts. I can hear her little voice ;#'' hes home, hes home'''....my heart breaks over and over agin when she comes stomping up the stairs with this look of total disbelief... Fridays are the worst, she runs out 20 times in the afternoon-but he just doesnt come back.......... its awful. its not real surely 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 3 hours ago, Brad said: Has to be someone else's life. This can't be mine. Wow, Brad, that is what I think every day now. It's a 'what the hell happened?' thought I have the moment I wake up and accentuated as the day passes. I do know it's mine now, but it really confuses the heck out of my neurons. I'll start to do something that was familiar and see nothing is as it was. Maybe the task, but the feeling after is changed. Hard to get fired up about so many things when the person who would see them with you is gone. Sometimes I even get shocked when I go to the nursing home and people say.....oh, there is Gwen. I want to look around and say.....where? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Well I, unfortunately, know this is my life now. I don't recall when it set in exactly, it's been this way a long time. Anearia, I can understand how you feel you want those three months back. Had you known how little time you'd have left together, I'm sure you might have opted differently, both of you, yet he was doing what he felt was best to help in his life and marriage, and that's a real testament to his love for you! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 It really does feel like someone else's life, it is really still very hard to grasp that he is gone and never coming back. Like you said Gwen it's hard to do the things that we did together and even the things I would do just me, my crafts, I have no interest in, not right now anyway. I'm hoping to find myself again someday, because I don't know who I am right now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted March 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I still have this feeling that if I just wish hard enough, look at his picture long enough, express hope enough and beg and plead to the universe that he will appear to tell me he is okay or that he will be watching out for me or that he did not want to go but had to and that we'll see each other again but just not now. Wishful thinking I know. I also get consumed sometimes by feelings that he is trapped somewhere and banging on a wall calling my name and trying to come back because there's no way he would ever leave me. Then I think, "No, he passed away. He is at peace now with his parents, my father, our two deceased cats and he is taking care of all of the animals and playing pool." Then I crumble and cry. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 iheartm what a great thread you have started. I have never read so many comments I can relate to. Even after five years, I came home today and opened the garage door to see her car parked where it always is only she's not inside to greet me and I still don't get it. I've given up on things making sense. I just don't think it ever shall. On days I drive her car to work, it doesn't get me as much. Funny thing but when I drive that car it's rather comforting to have my hands holding that same wheel her hands were on. I don't think that will ever go away. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annew Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 3 hours ago, KATPILOT said: iheartm what a great thread you have started. I have never read so many comments I can relate to. Even after five years, I came home today and opened the garage door to see her car parked where it always is only she's not inside to greet me and I still don't get it. I've given up on things making sense. I just don't think it ever shall. On days I drive her car to work, it doesn't get me as much. Funny thing but when I drive that car it's rather comforting to have my hands holding that same wheel her hands were on. I don't think that will ever go away. Lol, Katpilot....had the same experience with the coffee pot lately......want to just hug it......he used to make the coffee, always, for 25 years......Thank you all for this thread, so good to have a place to share the feelings no one else gets at all and figures I should be over.....But you know what dear hearts, makes me grateful more for what I had, it really is a love that never ends and is actually getting stronger and helping me through like no others but those like you who just get it and I don't have to explain anything. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anearia Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I wonder if we had all been brought up in a soceity that venerates the dead and sees death as a reason to celebrate the persons ''graduation'' from one realm to the next, if we would all still be so very sad? I can totally realte to Annew and Kat with touching things our other half touched or did regularly. I find myself sitting in his awfully uncomfortable chair, or hanging onto his pillow at night. This morning I seriously considered his toothbrush-dont worry I got over that one luckily!... Iheartm, I found myself screaming his name out over and over on the beach the other day. If he could only hear me, if I could only have him back for 10 mins everything would be fine. I could explain why I said and did some things I did-and feel awful about etc etc. I could tel him I love him. My Gran told me years ago when my Oupa died that they can still hear us and know us better now than when they were alive. I hope she was right. thank you everyone for all your support. I hope your day was beautiful. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I strongly believe that things making sense is a state of mind left behind. I still look at his picture on the portrait to be confirmed that all of it happened. Like, seriously, this is real? my cousin, 30yo, his father passed 7 y ago, and he keeps having the same dream, in which he shows up saying "I'm here, this was all a joke". He is young, smart, funny, successful, moved on with his life, has everything, yet, he has that feeling in his heart. He expects his father to show up. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I understand what everyone is saying. I too wish I could hear or see Dale just one more time for him to tell me is good, at peace, pain free and that I will be with him again one day. I sleep with his pillows and touch his pictures daily. I received a blanket for Christmas that has my favorite pictures of him and us on it, so every night as I watch TV, I wrap that around me and it feels like he is hugging me, I of course, wish it was really his arms hugging me, but this is best I can do. Joyce 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 4 hours ago, scba said: Like, seriously, this is real? I know this was a little excerpt out of your comment, but I had a little attack at my desk today where this was my thought. I was like, "omg, this is really real? This is the truth? This is really happening?" I still can't believe it. My sister and I watched A LOT of horror movies and I think they invaded my dreams because I used to dream about us trapped somewhere or running from something, or me saving her from zombies or coming to her rescue. I had a dream like that last night and I wished this was just a dream, all those times I would dream about her or us in turmoil together and we made it out. It's like those were bad dreams that were just dreams, but this is a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. It's true and it's the worse kind of nightmare. I felt like having a breakdown today. I kept thinking again about us walking home from the store and she was stumbling along and kept talking about her mouth so dry and wanting something to drink. I keep thinking "why didn't we focus on that? Make that more serious? keep on that? Just go right to the hospital?" I hate that I can't do anything about it now but let it torment me. I think about the last things we did together and it feels so far away, so odd to have so much time apart. We might have had a couple of days at the most we didn't exactly see each other, but we'd talk. But this is to much. It's true torment. My mom has VERY bad arthritis in her lower back/spine and wants to sit down all day and try to get me to do things for her, so I feel even more frustrated and alone. At least I had my sis as an escape/entertainment, now I don't even have that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Anearia, I think we would be happy for them and sad for us because we miss them, just as those of us that have Christian religion already feel. We can have mixed feelings at the same time, all of them valid. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 This is a good discussion......we have all talked about the face we portray in public and our hidden inner feelings. This is the best rehearsel for our next steps. Very important not to get ahead of yourself in your journey....In my case,I told my buddy I am not comfortable in a Social setting and not keen on getting paired up for whatever reason. Long story short I have a Judas in the midst......There was 6 of us and I got through the ordeal with hardly a stutter.....I believe we can go in and out "of character" because of what we are going through... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 I discussed this today with my therapist, i told him i felt like a very good actress. I see myself at the oscars next to di caprio! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 SCBA ,Isn't that the truth....I can fool my family, friends, especially strangers and portray things are fine....But my personality has changed from somewhat of an introvert to the opposite.. We are definitely playing a role, that is becoming easier and easier...We talked of this in colors in the past,(Brad?) I believe I'm moving from a grey to a bit of an Orange... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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