Margm Posted June 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 I deleted my post. This is what it was about. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. I could keep on, but that is all I am doing. Big pieces of furniture are no problem, these little bitty things are the worse. We never could find the Neosporin, so we bought more. Guess what, I have found all that we lost. All the tubes of Carmex we lost, all the Burt's Bee's we lost, all the pencils, pens, and all this crap we got new ones, I have found all the old ones. What did I say? Bitch, bitch, bitch. Even Xanax does not help. Ignore me. I am not whistling. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 9, 2016 Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 Terri, sorry, that was a typo, I meant to say Patty, she's the one who has so much on her plate, with the business! I don't mind the term widow as much as "single", single sounds too much like we're out on the market again and we didn't ask for this! Okay, Marg, but if you catch yourself whistling, you'd better enjoy the moment and not stop! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 9, 2016 Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 Marg, my dear, there is a reason why moving is listed as one of the most stressful events in life ~ right up there with death of a loved one. Moving causes a MAJOR disruption in your routines and in your life, and it is not just the endless sorting and the work of packing. It is also the UNpacking, and the stress of being unable to find everything again once you've moved, not to mention the stress of making room for everything in the new place. You are allowed to complain ~ especially here. And no, we will not ignore you. Not here. The day will come when you will whistle again ~ but until then, allow yourself to explode now and then. We understand . . . ♥ 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 2 minutes ago, MartyT said: there is a reason why moving is listed as one of the most stressful events in life ~ right up there with death of a loved one. Marty, use me as an example. If you have to ever tell anyone about the moving part, tell them to just ask me. I had one thing going against/for me. I really thought I would be dead before now too. Maybe this was "suicide by moving." I just feel like I am running as fast as I can but when I pass any terrain, I have not moved an inch. I loved Billy very much, and he would agree if he could talk right now, but he could do no more than I am doing. But at least I could hug him and wipe all my sweat on his shirts. (Perspiration or glistening), excuse me. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 9, 2016 Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 Glowing, Marg. It's glowing 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted June 9, 2016 Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 Marg, I know it won't be the same as Billy's shirts, but I'll hand you my crying towel to wipe all your sweat away. I used to use it when I bowled, but boy, the name sure is appropriate for what's going on now. Bitch away! We all have shoulders for you to lean on. Moving can push anyone to the brink. Kay, I didn't even think about that one! You're right! "Single". Seriously? I had to fill out some survey and they didn't even HAVE a "widow" category under marital status. You could choose either "single, living alone" or "single, living with partner or children under the age of 18", unless you were married or whatever, then they had those, too. I sat there for several minutes just re-reading them all. I felt that certainly, I must be missing one. But, nope. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 9, 2016 Report Share Posted June 9, 2016 Terri, grrr! I hate those forms that try to box us in to some category. Marg, I think the hardest part must not be the work involved, but the seeing everything that was his, trying to figure out what to do with it, the memories flooding back. That has to be excruciating. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Yes, totally, totally, totally HATE that word!!! Today's blunder And accident. just a place to share, thank you. I had someone coming in today that was supposed to tell me about putting an ad in a free magazine that's at the door of Safeway. $25/wk! They quoted. So I agreed to see the man. Turns out of course it is not $25/wk that is just what it averages out to. You have to pay a lot of it upfront and the rest in a few months. He was going on and on. I asked him if he knew anything about Maui Pasta. All the news coverage and all when Ron went into Hospice. No. So I told him in my numb-dry-eyed business face. About the struggle, about the financial difficulties of the business. He went on and on some more. He was pitching a lower price because I was hesitating. I was hesitating because in my head I was calling out to Ron - I so needed him to help. This is his world, not mine. I hate negotiating and everything like it. I didn't know what to do. I could feel myself slipping. He looked straight in my eyes and said, "You're not going to cry, are you???" UGGGGGGHHHH. Yes, I was. In front of this pushy ad salesman.. Of course, him saying that made it all the worse with no chance to hold on and gather myself. I just never, ever know if I'm making the right decisions about this business anymore. The rest of the day I'm just in a fog, but the fog is a movie reel, playing my Hospice life. And so, trying to help my prep cook decide if an avocado was ripe, I cut my thumb really badly. I slapped a whole bunch of bandaids on, I'm afraid to look. On days like today I just wonder if it's all worth it, this "dream" of ours turned nightmare. Thanks for letting me vent. Patty 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Patty, I'm so sorry you cut your thumb! I hope it heals quickly and doesn't prohibit your doing your work. I understand, it's hard to make decisions when you are accustomed to talking everything over with your spouse. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Marg, there are days I wish we could bottle you to give to those suffering because you can articulate your thoughts about the pain, yet add in a dose of humor. Suicide by moving. I know it is extremely stressful, but it made me smile at his you worded it. Marty is right, it is right up there in the top 3, I think, for one of life's hardest changes. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 I hate having to pick my status now on forms. I do wish I could check married as that is how I feel. Legalese doesn't care about that tho. I only feel single because I am the alive half of us. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 27 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: Marty is right, it is right up there in the top 3, I think, for one of life's hardest changes. Gwen, it is so hard. Scott is leaving the 15th and I think maybe I will move faster then. But, somehow, staying at this place we were going to leave, this place that I will have to repair and ramble around in, I cannot face that. If we had not been leaving, I probably would just stay here. Nah, I cannot stay here. I just wonder how I am gonna do in an apartment. It has a fireplace. Louisiana and a fireplace. Really goes together doesn't it? We have not used this fireplace in 10 years. You get to a whole lot of stuff that really is not stuff you want to move but then part of it was Billy's stuff. Well, damn, he is not going to use it again. I am just going to start throwing stuff away. I have those big plastic boxes with lids that clamp down, they are piled about 6 deep. My daughter says "your gonna just give it away, why fix it up." I don't want to leave her looking ugly. I hope young people with a bunch of kids buy it. It needs new life. There are two acres of woods for kids to play in. Billy never cared about keeping it up and after 10 years, I planted flowers. Really, someone who lived here before planted bulbs and we have flowers growing all seasons everywhere. I want to be away from yards. I would have already had it done but I would not let my kids touch Billy's stuff, it was mine to pack and give away. I can get to be such a witch, they learn to leave me alone sometimes. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 "Wherever You Go, There You Are" That is my thought for today, for maybe several days. Actually, It is a line in a Clint Black song on a CD I played today on my way back from the doctor's office. The content of the song is not about grief at all, but this line is stuck in my head. The other thing that is stuck in my head is the continuous playing of the horror movie of my daughter's last two weeks on this earth and her death. It plays over and over 24/7. I try to dig for the memories of her as a child, but they are not there anymore. There are snippets here and there, but most all my memories from long ago have been destroyed by too many years of a stressful marriage. Over the years it becomes easier to tune out the bad things you don't want to hear or remember, but in doing so you also tune out the good things, the important things. It is 4:30 AM and I can't sleep. I need to sleep as I have to be somewhere at 9. But my brain will not shut off. It never does. I am running as fast as I can to catch that one thing that I can't seem to grasp. Peace. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Karen, your double grief is beyond anything I can comprehend. You are a strong woman and I am proud to be your friend. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Karen my thoughts and prayer are with you this day. Peace. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Patty, I know how hard it's been for me to try and navigate the financial aspects of life without Paul and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must be when you're operating a business at the same time you are grieving. You need to be more careful with yourself and keep an eye on that thumb. If you think you need to go to an urgent care clinic to have it looked at, do not hesitate. I don't understand the attitudes of people like that ad salesman. You know what? So what if you had to cry? So what? It was an honest emotion and you are such a brave woman to be moving forward, trying to make these decisions on your own. Ron is proud of you, always remember that. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Karen, my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I wish I had something more helpful to say that would help you sleep, but I'm afraid I'm not much better at it myself. The fact that you are here and sharing your feelings is a testament itself to how strong you are. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 The ad salesman was afraid of his OWN response if she cried. Some people don't know what to do if someone cries so they're afraid of it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 13 minutes ago, kayc said: The ad salesman was afraid of his OWN response if she cried. Some people don't know what to do if someone cries so they're afraid of it. You're absolutely right, Kay. I come from a family where we were encouraged to hold everything in; the only acceptable emotion was to smile and be cheerful. (All that did for me was to make me feel like the village idiot.) When my Nana died, I began crying when I entered her place for the first time with her not there and I was told by my parents that if I was going to cry, I should leave because no one wanted to deal with that. I thought it was a generational thing, but apparently it's in some peoples' natures to just be that way. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 9 hours ago, KarenK said: The other thing that is stuck in my head is the continuous playing of the horror movie of my daughter's last two weeks on this earth and her death. It plays over and over 24/7. I am running as fast as I can to catch that one thing that I can't seem to grasp. Peace. Karen, this tears me up to read because the same thing is happening to me about Steve and I don't know why. I can't turn it off and when talking with my counselor she did say there can come a time when our minds go back and start to question things we had either forgotten or suppressed to live with what we saw. Particularly a death that was not the peaceful TV type where thry slip away without pain or suffering. This has been so much on my mind I have a call into his hospice nurse that was there thru this because I have a lot of 'why' questions about things I couldn't have known being in the moment and in shock of what I was seeing. Nothing can be undone, but I need some answers to quell this reliving a place I never want to see again. Once was enough. I dread having to talk to the nurse because it is a time I want to disappear from my memory and this will stir up those images again. Peace is not a word that exists in my universe. Don't know that it ever will. I'd like it to, but that saying comes to mind about wishing in one hand..... I truly wish you heartfelt empathy that you can get free of this. I cannot even imagine your suffering of 2 such deep losses. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Kay, what is it about crying that it has become unaccetable UNLESS it is at the moment of the crisis? I'll never understand that. I've had people look at me me like I am nuts it tears well up talking about a dig I lost or something like it. Now we are dealing with losing the closest person we ever had on earth forever and protect them? Who had the energy for that? And why should it be expected? Cry, cry, cry for a month...that is OK. Cry because you have to lie a life forever changed and running into the emptiness of it and it had to be hidden away. It only makes it harder and why I do value the very very few people that let me be myself at any given moment. I'm not wandering the streets wailing, but I do find myself in tears in the car between places I have to be. I've had to end phone conversations because I just cannot fake interest in people's lists of life's continuing on while they ask what I am going to do or have been. Oh, I got up, ate, killed another day, sat by myself thru another long nigh waiting to sleep knowing it will all begin again. Sorry, no trips to see friends, relatives or plans for get togethers. I can't even read a book for lack of concentration. I'm stuck with magazines because articles are short. And if tears escape when I am in social situations, so be it. They see it as my problem anyway and I guess it is. I'm fortunate that a very few people may nay understand it fully, but they let me be me. Best one can hope for. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Gwen, I have never felt crying was unacceptable. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 2 hours ago, kayc said: The ad salesman was afraid of his OWN response if she cried. Some people don't know what to do if someone cries so they're afraid of it. It was because of this post. You got me to thinking of how people react to our not having it 'together' just because we are out in their world. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Some people aren't comfortable with emotions, perhaps they were raised that way. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted June 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Just like my Xanax, I will have to have my forum fix so I will have my Kindle and my laptop with me but for an indefinite period of time, I am going to be gone. It is a cross between my daughter and my mother needing me right now and thankfully I have plenty of places to stay. In fact, I might take my small futon with me to sleep in the apartment if Xanax does not help me. I am going to copy and print what I wrote a friend as to my new problem. I will just get back to the house when I can. I will load up the back of the truck tomorrow though with things I might need. Gotta make an indefinite trip to Louisiana. Kelli lost her ovaries at about 20 from dermoid cysts. Then she has been scheduled for surgery more than once on her breasts, one time taken to surgery and brought right back to the room, the cyst had burst. Billy had lipomas, (fatty tumors) that were just under the skin and I think that is what this is too, just called by another name. She had 5-6 removed from her back, they thought they were lymph nodes. This hurt her but they were lipomas (or cysts). I don't know why her body makes these things. But they took an MRI back in about January of last year. There are two places on her brain (and this is a medical transcriptionist that probably is spelling these wrong, the medulla oblangata and the corpus callosum. One is about a 50 cent piece size. They radiated these places today and will do so tomorrow. Do not believe they are malignant, believe they are the dermoid cyst things, but she feels more dramatic calling them tumors, and I guess that is as good a word as any for them. Will leave in the morning indefinitely for going down there. The house will wait. And, I believe "If your going through hell" is about as good a place to post as anywhere. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now