If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

I just have not felt it.  I used to whistle all the time.  It did not even occur to me until lately that I have not whistled in months and months.  But, I don't listen to music much either, and I did used to whistle along with the music.  It just comes on without even thinking about it, but that is one of the after effects of grief, one that is not mentioned, I guess.  Stage 109 of grief:  You quit whistling.  Somehow, if it comes again, I won't feel guilty.  I will look up at the heavens and say "This is for you Billy Boy."  If the Good Lord gives me time to get out of this move and settle down again, when I find a church I can go to, I think the first thing I will whistle will be "Amazing Grace." (Not in church, but maybe driving home.) My dad could yodel too.  He never was good enough to get a record label but he did play with a lot of bands, local country music ones.  We had our own Monday night Hoedowns (sp?) for years.  Those were good memories. (But, it was before Billy.)

[Gwenivere]

I never whistled, but I did sing along and revel in music in the old happy days.  I don't listen to that music right now.  The closest I will get is a music channel on Direct TV if I am cleaning.  They play familiar tunes, but rarely ones I associate with a memorable time.  I still have a CD Steve made me of all my fav songs, but it will have to wait a while longer.  I've been ambushed in stores tho playing a song in the background.  Can't really tune it out, but I read price tags with much more scrutiny as a distraction til it is over.  I learned from Steve how primal music is from the memories and the language he showed me it was.  We also have several 'our' songs.  I also have his recordings.  I can't even listen to our answering machine with his voice!   

[Margm]

Daddy could and did carry a tune.  His voice was not Frank Sinatra, or even Little Jimmy Dickens, but he tried, really not tried, there was no effort involved, he sang and played "by ear."  I cannot dance, I cannot sing, but to the delight of my granddaughter, I can shimmy.  She has me on video doing this (without my knowing).  On America's Got Talent the other night they had two characters that had met at a grief meeting.  They were thrown out because they were told they were not conducting a dating service.  The big lady shimmied while the man sang Elvis, but my granddaughter says her Mamol (my name from her) can do it better.  

[kayc]

I understand not whistling or singing.  But if perchance you catch yourself doing it, please don't feel guilty and stop.  This is the coveted thing, that we can reach the point where we have some degree of happiness in our lives, no matter how short lived.

[Margm]

 I started this post/thread/whatever you call it awhile back.  Don't want to start a new one.  I do not want to be morose, but there are some things I have had to do that scares the bewillies out of me.  Scott has been right by my side now for over seven months.  Running back and forth from the RV to the house.  He is a procrastinator like his mom and dad.  But, he has cleaned out the garage, he has painted, what I call, the New Orleans Saints room.  He has put his life and his partner's life on hold for over seven months.  Once this rain stops, he will mow these over two acres, he will clean out his room with the big bath that we gave to him when he was fighting/enduring treatments for hepatitis C.  Then, I want him and his partner, this young girl he has been with about 10 years, I want them to go on to the life they had planned.  I will be alone.  That scares me too.  But, as it is I cannot distinguish between what is mine and what is other people's that have lived here.  I want a clean slate with what I keep, what I get rid of.  I cannot do it the way things go right now.  I am comfortable knowing Scott is by me.  This is something that is going to be very hard, Scott has lived with us nearly all his life, and I would not be adverse to him living with us/me the rest of his life or mine, but there is this other person that he has to make a life for also.  He has been married and has two grown children with grandchildren of his own.  The situation he is in now, I cannot explain or understand, and won't try to.  But, this woman needs a home of her own, even if it is just the RV.  I say "just the RV" but that is what Billy and I planned on living in.  We did it for six years back in the 1990s and when we sold the last RV, it was the only home I ever cried over.  

I am no spring chicken, but I can get around and I can get myself moved into the apartment on my own.  I will have to hire someone, but I can do it, rather than hurt a member of the family that I have left, I think I can engineer all of this.  

There is no guarantee that when I am alone, really alone, that I won't be admitted to one of the padded rooms I talk about.  I am not getting any younger though and neither is my family.  What I see happening, if it continues like it is going now, is my mother and my sister.  My mother was not going to leave her home.  Not going to do it period.  And, she got her demands.  I want to leave this house, it is not a home if Billy is not in it.  I will have no home, I will exist in a roof and walls, but home was only with Billy.  I am not feeling sorry for myself, that is just what now happens to be the facts of my life.  

I have a fear of my kids taking care of me.  I have enough money to take care of myself.  And, when I cannot take care of myself, I want to be put where I am supposed to be.  If I can will myself to die then, so be it.  But, I have got to tell you this.  Those meditation messages that I listen to every night on the Kindle (and you would not believe my collection), they have not soaked into this wax laden brain at all.  One new one woke me up in the middle of a nice sleep quoting some language I did not understand and I got rid of that after I woke up again.

Again, I am scared, but it has to be done.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

I have always wondered how life can go so smoothly and according to plan for some, while others like those of us here are rudely stopped in their tracks. Perhaps it is because of poor choices we made along the way. A friend from work once described it as "falling butter side up".

I am proud of you for moving on, not from Billy, but from a life that causes you further pain. You have a plan. After i lost Ron, I thought I had one, but it did not materialize. I wanted to walk away from this old place and go live in my cabin the woods, but I could not. The paid for cabin would have been seized to pay for this house and all the other debts we had accrued. So i had to give up my dream. I also needed money to get to my daughter and help her and my sil as their home was in jeopardy. Then she died. My retirement funds were depleted due to the stock market fiasco in 2008 and I found myself with only SS. My household income had been cut by 2/3. So, I made another plan. My son was agreeable to selling his place(which he inherited from my mother) and he, his son, and I would live here contributing equally between he and I as his son cannot work. That fell through as the two of them just can't live together for any length of time. So, I inherited my grandson. I am much more tolerant of his "anxious" personality. My son confided that he would much rather stay where he is and live alone. Not what I wanted to hear, but I will respect that. I have decided to quit making plans and let the chips fall where they may. It is difficult for me to live this "hand to mouth" existence, having been so self sufficient for all those years.

Ron and I would have been happy living under a rock. I do not like living under this rock alone.

[kayc]

Karen, I do understand.  I have always been a planner, but it seems to me that my plans have fallen apart from the day George died.  I have also known financial hardship and have watched my IRA deplete from the recession and my jobs go belly up.  Sometimes I think it's more about rolling with the punches.  I, too, could be happy anywhere with George.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Ron and I would have been happy living under a rock. I do not like living under this rock alone.

Me neither Karen.  I won't go into my family's problems anymore than I already have.  If it was just me I would be okay, but it has never been just me and Billy.  If it had been, we would have been RVers for about 20 years now.  I would read in our RVing magazine couples laughing about their grown kids did not know where they were.  I don't know what to say.  We are enablers, always have been, and I doubt if I have the strength to quit by myself.  If we were rich it would be different.  All I can say is we share.  (I say we because it was Billy's retirement also.  His combined with mine).  And I buy cards "from the both of us" and I sign his name too.  

I get scared of doing things by myself, but damned if I am not going to try.  

Walking through the grocery store earlier I just talked to Billy and told him I could not believe he left me with this mess.  I know he did not do it on purpose, I know I can have plenty of help, but I don't know how to separate all their stuff from mine.  I am at a standstill.  When they leave on the 15th, I will take those little white garbage bags that I can carry,  filled with books and "stuff" and drop a bunch of them each night in front of the thrift store.  Then I will get someone to help me clean, then hire the movers.  Too many cooks spoil the broth.  

And it hurts.  I  hear how all of you feel your loved ones.  I loved Billy.  I tell him that all the time, but I don't feel him anywhere around me.  He just left.  .  

[mittam99]

Marg, I don't "feel" Tammy's presence, either. For me, there are two things that relate though, and they have helped me in this journey. Not that I'm in a good place right now (I'm not) but I can only imagine where I'd be otherwise.

For one, there have been events that defie logic that I feel can only be explained as my angel Tammy watching out for me. The other thing that helps me go on is the fact that Tammy still lives in me. Not just the memories but I often find myself thinking like Tammy would. I'm Mitch with a whole lot of Tammy inside and that's a very good thing and gives me a certain measure of comfort and hope.

Still, my life sucks these days and it's hard to imagine real happiness ever entering my world again. I'm open to it, but the possibility seems rather remote. For now, it's just a day at a time of biding my time until I figure what the hell my purpose actually is. I know there is more to life than what I'm doing.

Seems like I've been in a funk since my birthday (May 10th) and next week is Tammy's birthday (June 10th) so I expect that to be rough. Part of the problem may be the fact I haven't been able to exercise regularly like I was, due to some physical ailments. I'm also not watching what I eat like I was. Basically, I'm not taking care of myself properly. Hopefully, this is just one of those two steps back phases and I can get back on a positive track.

[kayc]

Feeling our loved one is semantics...for myself it's more of a knowing, not a physical feeling, although I did have that one time I felt his hand on my back/shoulder.  It was when I most needed it.

[Gin]

Never had that feeling.  Wish I did.

[Margm]

Gin, I used to have what I called my magical, mystical imagination.  Fairy Tales were not far from my mind.  I almost lived happily ever after.  I was allowed a lot of years, lots of milestones, but I did not want him to leave.  I had rather have left, but I would not want him to hurt.  I have had strange things happen that I believed were meant just for me.  I had a bus run right in front of us in 1982 in downtown Houston at the medical complexes.  That was when you could put scriptures on billboards, etc.  The bus ran directly in front of us on my way to get the results of all the staging tests I had gone through.  It had a picture of Jesus on the front, his arms outstretched and he said "I will give you health."  I believed in miracles and I was not scared.  Billy did not believe in anything supernatural and I wanted so bad to feel magical things.  Now, my finding the ring nugget to me had to be a miracle he had made possible.  Same with finding this forum after three days from his death. I had definite plans for suicide where my family would not find my body. I had told him I could not live without him.  He would always say "I know."  We both said he was me and I was him.  I just want him to be me again.  I have to find faith again.  This I know.  I have got to get finished with this moving and find my faith.

[Muggs138]

It has been only 8 months since my love has passed away, and i literally feel like I am in hell everyday!!!!

I try to keep going and find some shred of comfort through out the long days and even longer nights, but it never seems to happen.  I try to think about all the happy memories  over all the years we were together, but then all the memories and our future plans come flooding in, and the despair and sadness drowns me.

My days are redundant, especially because we had also worked together for 9 years.  So even at work i feel just empty and sad, but i feel if i leave i am leaving behind all my memories of happy times.

So that's why i love this thread, because it is literally like Hell...You want to be happy, but you just cant. You want to move forward, but you just cant. You want to die, but you just cant. You want to live but you just cant!!! And this is hell to me, and to anyone that has ever experienced losing someone knows this exact feeling!

[DawnMarie]

On 5/28/2016 at 7:12 AM, kayc said:

Dawn,

My pastor went on vacation the morning after George died, telling me the next three weekends weren't a good time for a funeral, so I had to make arrangements and get a former pastor to do the funeral (he lived several hours away).  Sometimes those we'd count on just aren't there for whatever reasons and that makes it pretty tough.

You mention the county not coming through, do you work for the county or something?

Do you have children, if so, are they still at home?  Any extended family or friends nearby?  My friends all disappeared and my family is spread out but we did talk by phone.  

This is a safe place to share what you're going through, vent, and just know you are heard by people who get it.

We're here when you're ready to talk.

Yes I have children.  We both have children, in a Brady Be type family. That actually is one of the indirect issues that I mentioned. You see, I wasa single mom for MANY years after my divorce from their sperm donor. I stayed pretty much celibate for about 8 years, if that is any indication of the type.  For three years I had a friend, a best friend, but I wasn't in love with him like he was me. And there wasn't a connection with my boys. So I told him it wasn't fair to him that I just didn't share the same feelings. Although I wanted to remain friends, it didn't happen. My boys weren't affected to bad. We lived with my parents, which was a blessing some ways. I worked 40+ hrs, paid someone else to raise my kids, active in cub scouts, and missed every school activity held during the day to make a bottom dollar for an entity I no longer respect.  In fact, if I could do it over again, I'd live on welfare checks, and dedicated my every available minute volunteering to be with my kids. But, that's not how I did it.  I use to take pride in the fact I worked to stay off welfare. My ex wasn't involved in the boys life much. I got tired of calling him and him rejecting to take them for a weekend so I could have time for myself. His excuses were always about his new wife and him fighting.  So I just quit calling and raised them myself.  After I "became single" even though I always claimed to be only friends, I decided it was time for me to start dating again.  I didn't want my boys exposed to meeting allot of people, so I didn't involve them. Things were getting strange at my parents, I'm sure I know why, but it doesn't change the reality of it. I was seeing a guy and something caused me to decide it was time to move out on my own. I wasn't in love, but he was a crutch. I applied for a mortgage loan and was approved. Thrilled beyond belief, I journeyed down the home buyers path. It took months bidding until I finally didn't get outbid by an investors.  I was doing it on my own and I no longer was seeing the guy.  Then, I hurt my back at work. Being the manager, I chose to see my own DR's, as i needed my job cause I just bought a house. I was Woking half days and on the eve of Halloween 2010 is when I met James.  We met through a social media group on the internet. We hit it off right away.  We lived in different cities, so we got to know each other before we met face to face. We quickly became friends, and he was a God send from the beginning. As for work, I figured my back would heal in time and by having my employees help me with things I couldn't do, it'd be no time before I was healed. Hell, there was nothing much different from the quacks I paid for. So, I told my dr I was ready to go back to work even tho my back wasn't. I was already stressing financially, but still ok.  I was released and the day I went back to full time, I was demoted. I took a direct blow to my self image. I was upset. James was very supportve assuring me things would be OK.  It had been weeks since we started chatting and our friendship was pretty solid. But I got depressed almost immediately. Some of my employees/now Co workers tried to get me out of my funk and invited me to a party. The boys were gone and first I said no. But I thought about it and I called James and asked if he wanted to go to a party with me. At first he declined, thinking about the drive. So I said, what if I pick you up?  He said yes and I made the hour drive. I'll never forget that first face to face meeting. I felt like a school kid. Butterflies, heart skipping, and when I pulled into the community driveway, there he was. It was dark, and u remember him taking me I had to get out of the vehicle and give him a hug.  I knew I was in trouble second he closed his arms around me. We drove to taco Bell cause I was hungry and we were talking and laughing, plus he made me all nutty inside, I drove right past the ordering post and didn't even realize it until we got to the window. I still laugh about that one.  I decided, maybe he should drive. We switched seats and headed to my town and the party. It was on this very night, on the I5 coming down the Grapevine, we knew!  The center console was where I rested my arm, and as I just changed the CD, James took my hand and wrapped it into his.  The jolt of electricity that coursed through us both through our arms and into our souls, he said he knew right then, I was the one.  It scared the be Jesus out of me and I denied it for a while.... But I knew.  I knew.  

Thank you for sparking up that memory for me.  I'm sure you didn't know it, and I wasn't expecting it, but what a blessing to relive that memory, while sharing with you all.   God is beautiful. 

[DawnMarie]

Ok.  I am so computer illiterate, and I have a stupid smartphone, which only makes it worse.  I've been following the conversations and what a pain in is to try and respond when I don't know how to.  I still have no idea if I am even responding now, to who's beautiful words of encouragement, or how I managed to get a box k could write in.  

I want to say it's a blessed Sunday morning, and may God shine many more blessings on you all today.  I'm blessed, I found the message box and I'm happy about that little thing in my life.

I have been wanting to share with you all something that happened to me last Sunday that has helped me.  I hope it helps you all.   

I for one have been very angry at God the last few years.  I'm ashamed to admit that, but at least I'm able to confess it.  James and I have been doing what we felt and believed was God's will through us and as children of God, followed His word in the way we believe we did.  James had stayed strong in his faith, yet I began to question everything when my whole entire belief system was shattered three years ago.  It almost cost me my life, as I attempted to take my own life.  

I thank God I'm alive now, but that also did damage to our relationship. Even tho we stayed together, everything changed.  I suffer PTSD from the tragic heinous actions of another human, 3 other humans to be exact.  Things were looking up when all of a sudden James's arm started to swell one night and my entire WORLD was shattered two days later when I watched him die.  (Which I'll go into detail soon)  We had been looking for a new church since the pastors of the one we were joining retired.  We never found the one for us.  We have our Christian Brothers and sisters from down south that, by the grace of God, have been my beacon of light the last couple months.  Because I know James's devotion and love for the Lord, I don't want have a service anywhere but in the house of the Lord.  I feel I wouldn't be doing James right outside of church.  

I've gone to a couple since his death and even been rejected by a few to hold a service in their sanctuary.  Our pastor from down south is who I want to conduct the service, as he was one of the two that married us.

A new friend of mine introduced me to a new church pastor and his wife. We met one day a couple weeks ago. They lead a grief counseling support group.  But because I don't have a car, our motorcycle is being kept from me, and the buses don't run Sundays this church was to far away.   But, as they drove me home, they showed me I was just a couple blocks from a sister church of theirs and suggested i try it and praised it was a great church and a blessing I was so close.

Sunday, Memorial Day Weekend, my son's 16 th birthday, all alone i went to this new house of God.   it was here I found a little about what I needed.  The sermon, on Memorial Day Weekend was in memory of those it's intended for, but what I also had neglected to see.

I REJOICE in knowing, beyond a shadow of doubt, that James it's now sitting on the right hand of God.  At this very second, he is in the presence of Jesus and what a blessing that is.   The wonderful things that have been slowly continuing to show in my life the last couple months tell me James is on the other side helping to clear my path and bringing me closer to God and closer to him.  Oh I still miss him and I will continue to fight and be his voice in the quest to make the GROSS NEGLIGENT Inadequate unprofessional staff of the privately owned hospital accountable for the lack of care and lack of professional reasonability entrusted into them resulting in his death.  And I will even expose the governing officials that hold stock and support these malpractices as procedure.  I won't quit until I am sure my grandchildren and great grandchildren are safe from the evil i witnessed James lose his life to.  

But I still have learned to rejoice in his ultimate blessing of being in the presence of God.  

I have to go. Church is in 20 minutes and I've not even showered.  I hope this helps someone, anyone.  

I hope to talk to you soon..... If I can figure out how to respond that is.....???.   Until then, be blessed.

[TerriL]

I saw the woman across the street from me this morning while I was out picking up loose branches in the yard (we're due to get some really heavy storms blowing through later, with high wind gusts). Her husband just passed away at home a little over a week ago. I walked over to her and just held my arms out to hug her (she speaks very little English and I speak very little Spanish). As we were hugging, I told her how sorry I was and she was crying. She told me in broken English that he went very quickly and just closed his eyes and "slept". I made sure to ask if she was eating and (hopefully) explained that I completely understood what she was going through. She was so kind and generously kept thanking me for "helping" her. I don't know that I really did that, but it's funny how language barriers can be overcome when we share the same feelings. 

I swing back and forth on whether or not I want to stay here or move. For now, with a house that's paid off, I'm sure I'm better off staying put. But, with everything that's been happening with this city that my husband worked for for over 26 years and what they are attempting to do to the retirees and their widows financially, I'm not sure I feel all that safe here any longer. I feel as if I should make a goal to move at some point down this road. The new place would have to meet all my criteria though and I'm not sure if such a place really exists! Haha! Oh well, one step at a time. 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Muggs138 said:

So that's why i love this thread, because it is literally like Hell...You want to be happy, but you just cant. You want to move forward, but you just cant. You want to die, but you just cant. You want to live but you just cant!!! And this is hell to me, and to anyone that has ever experienced losing someone knows this exact feeling!

Truer words were never spoken.  We live in this changed world where our wants are so simple, yet it seems we are asking to win some huge lottery where all the odds are against you.  Happiness, life, just buzzing along like other people and the people we once were.  So many sayings that life is a gift and we shouldn't waste it.  Nice saying, hard to do now.  Has to come from within, another nice idea.  

The kicker is we had that and what made that possible in now gone.  So, we look for replacements and substitutes?  How do you look into an empty void and expect to find something?  (rhetorical).  We look into ourselves and out to the world.  As of yet, I haven't found any place that has what I 'need' and want.  Some find some solace from family, friends, thier church or beliefs.  I don't have any of those so that makes it dangerous to be at the mercy of my own thoughts as they are not even close to 'rational' person I was.  In fact, my mind seems to like finding new things to rub this in.  We are not good friends right now.

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know that feeling that I'm not good friends with myself right now either.  It troubles me that I have lost myself in all of this and I don't know how to find me again.  I don't want any replacement or substitute and I don't have anyone else to help find me but me.  They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste, but right now my mind is wasting me.

Joyce

 

[DawnMarie]

Terri, as I read your story, another amazing testimony of the wonderful ways people are placed in our lives for a reason, I learned something and I would like to share with you as well.

I can relate to your desire to move because of what is happening at the local government levels.  Not exactly the same, but related to your fears.  

I know how hard it is to dream and reach for a goal on your own. After the dreams we share with the one we love is no longer shared.  But don't sell yourself short.  Don't quit dreaming, set that goal, and don't give up on it.  If you listen to your feelings and allow them to develope, you may have time to find everything that meets your criteria, or close to it.  You may not have the chance later down the road.  Us women have an intuition for a reason. Don't dismiss it until you've allowed yourself to fully think it through.  

Now, I have to live by these words I just preached to you, and thank you for sharing it with me showed me what I also need within myself. And if your country of residence is about to stop taking care of the families of those that sacrificed their time to work for this place, I say get away while you can. It's only getting worse in places like that.  I pray you find your answers and let go of the doubt.  Be blessed.

[KATPILOT]

Perhaps it would be best not to even try and find the "me" we used to be. We might be disappointed or may not even recognize that person were we to pass by them again. The fact is that we were once a "we" and that changed. What we become is who we are, an adapted "me". We are a widowed "me". What we do with ourselves now is what counts. Joyce you may not be good friends with yourself right now but you can be. You should be for you are the best friend you have. That first time when we looked into a mirror and didn't recognize the person looking back at us was our first clue that we were no longer the same. The sad truth is that we are a new person missing a part of who we once were. We need to fill that void by living on. We can build a new image buy simply living on hard as that may seem right now. It takes time. It may take a lot of time but every day we are building a new self. The trick is to be easy on ourselves while we travel this road, this grief's journey. We often become overwhelmed as our mind wastes us. Do you get what I mean by that? It is not easy to be gentle with ourselves.

[DawnMarie]

Is it normal in the grieving process to go through all the crap we did wrong, either known or unknown, in our relationship and put itself thorough a 'judgement day' so to speak after our spouse has passed?  

I know for me, after James died and the hospital brought him back to life and he was placed on life support, I was beside myself.  One Dr ordered dialysis and the dialysis Dr wanted to me let him go. And the whole experience combined with My family unsupportive.  

The "staff" brought me a chair to sit closer to him, but instead I climbed up on the bed above his head and curled up as close as I could. The chair became a foot stool as i was in fetal position and they hung off the bed.  I laid there and talked to him.  I told him I forgave him for any and all things known or unknown that he had done or said that hurt me.   I told him how much he meant to me and I thanked him for always being there. 

I didn't want him to go, even though I knew in my heart he already was because I SAW it in his eyes when I knocked 3 nurse's out of my way, hearing HIS INCOMPETENT NURSE SAYING "WAKE UP MR Sanders. JAMES WAKE UP" AFTER HIS LAST WORDS TO HER WERE HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME".  I was already planning on filing a grievance with the hospital due to her unprofessional actions and something she said out of personal opinion and not professional judgement. And after ignoring his our complaints he couldn't breath and she blamed him and the machine for His symptoms claiming the oxygen monitor wasn't reading correctly because he keeps moving his hand or something, taking my attention to the fact he wasn't hooked up to the telemonitor designed to BEEEEEEEEP if the oxygen level in his blood becomes too low.  She ignored the machine, saying it wasn't reading correctly because he moved his hand OR SOMETHING. DISMISSING HIS OBVIOUS ANXIETY from not having the oxygen in his system. 

Feeling helpless, riddled with guilt because of it, while remembering weeks later things I saw but didn't understand as my husband was in the care of this hospital and it's caregivers....... 

And going through that knowing I wasn't able to ask his forgiveness for all the things I did, knowing or unknowing, that hurt him.  Oh, I know he would forgive me. But it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't able to do that before he died.  I even felt at one point he must be going through his judgment day with Jesus, because I was going through it too within myself.  

I've been fave to face with pure evil I never believed existed. I thought this kind of things only happened on TV, not in real life, by humans to humans, without care to the humanity of it all.  

And I don't know what to do next. If I should picket outside the hospital until I am heard, scream it from the of the rooftop at the ER where he was discharged and not diagnosed.   Go public with all the bullshit I've uncovered and get the attention of society?  Am I going to HAVE to fear MY LIFE if I do this?  Who's going to protect me? My protected was killed by these people, in my eyes.

[brat#2]

Stephen, yes I do know what you mean and you are right, I do need to be more kind to myself and patience with myself but that is such a difficult task to do.  Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Steven, grief does change us but there is one important fact we can't overlook...

We were also forever changed in a good way when our beloved soul mate came into our lives. In my case, I was loved and gave love like I never did before. Tammy taught me the meaning of courage by the example she set everyday. She made me a different and better version of Mitch. 

The outside world may view us as a widow/widower or as a "me" and no longer a "we", but in my world Tammy will always be my wife. She will always be a part of the Mitch and Tammy team.

I may be sadder, I may bemoan this new life and the loneliness and emptiness of it, but, I also know I was truly blessed when my darling Tammy walked into my life. She may be gone physically but her influence and her love will be with me forever. 

 

[Margm]

DawnMarie, I started reading your post.  Yes, it is normal (if I can be called normal) to go over and over and over the final minutes, the things you wished you had done, the things you didn't do.  The bad things that were done to our loved ones.  I didn't read anymore of it because that is something that has been hard for me to do, I am trying to erase the last minutes from my mind.  It had become a form of self-flagellation for me, trying to punish myself because I was not God and could not save his life.  But, I think, from reading all of our remarks, those last days, those last few moments are so tattooed on our brain that it might take professional help to help take it away.  

I have got to the point that I remember how proud a man Billy was and he would have gotten his feelings hurt if that is my last memories of him.  I did find lots of pictures of a younger Billy and I also found pictures that someone had taken of him laying in the hospital bed.  They are all destroyed.  I will remember my Billy the way he wanted to be remembered.  I think in time you will also face that and try to forget the parts he would not want you to remember.  I won't say I won't backslide, but I sure hope I won't.  

[kayc]

DawnMarie,

Your post says it was posted 9 hours ago but I read it before on this site, I don't know which thread but I remember it verbatim.  Anyway, you ask if these things are normal, pretty much anything/everything is normal in grieving.  (not everything is good, but normal)