If You're Going Through Hell

[DawnMarie]

Please ignore the damn link.  I can't figure out how to delete it and I don't know why it keeps happening.  I guess I could just laugh at it like James would, but I feel like a illiterate bubbling idiot.

 

 

 

[DawnMarie]

I have finally found a spot for my computer, and it's almost accessible.  This forum might be more friendly to me when I'm off my phone.

I am still a wreck.  The emotional trauma, stress, and mental bebilitating function afflickted upon a person by another either intentional or for lack of human decency appauls me.

I think all of you are correct in one thing, I need to share my story.   I tried to respond last night to some of you and I couldn't get the phone to cooperate and I know it was because I was feeling entrapped within myself, if that makes sense.  I have heard many good pieces of advice, as well as already tried then or past that point.  Or thought I was. 

It wasn't picking up the cert. Although, the night before last I realized i was making excuses because I didn't want to go alone.  I have now realized that tho i don't know everyone's or anyone's story of why of how their loved ones passed, I think maybe mine is quite a different story.  Which makes it seem worse to me.  And although I did manage one time to find the topic "hindsight something something something" (forgive me. I can't remember and can't try to find the rest of it)  for me, hindsight is 20/20 which makes it unbelievably clear to me now, but so so sooooo not then. 

So, it's everything that's different about the same exact thing, that makes it difficult for you all to give me the support I need.  So, thank you all for putting up with me, and I'm sorry I didn't do before.  It's time for me to tell what happened.

 

[kayc]

We are here listening when you are ready.  And I'm glad you've found a spot for your computer.  If I had to use my phone to do anything, it'd never get done, mine won't even do FB, but then I have the original version of Droid.  Half hour of trying I can't even get my email to load.  I prefer my PC.

I think to each of us our story is the worst because we are living with it and we had a vested interest in the person that died.  But that doesn't mean we can't see in some people's stories that they really do have it worse because of their circumstances or multiple deaths.

You will learn our stories, little by little, we do a lot of talking here.  Forgive us when we get off subject, to us living this, their death affects absolutely everything in our lives and it kind of blurs the lines sometimes.

 

Here is the Hindsight link:

 

[kayc]

Ana,

I like your idea about the ring, I hope you'll post a picture of it when you get it.  I wear my wedding ring, which is inscribed  "soulmates thru all time" on my right hand (I lost weight so had to switch to the right so it wouldn't fall off).  I don't care what people think about me still wearing it, it's a personal decision and it brings me comfort, that's all that counts.

[mittam99]

DawnMarie said: "I have now realized that tho i don't know everyone's or anyone's story of why of how their loved ones passed, I think maybe mine is quite a different story.  Which makes it seem worse to me."

Yes Dawn, all of our lives and the circumstances of our spouse's deaths were different. The thing is though, (and the longer you're on your journey the more you will see this truth) most people in our real lives simply don't understand anything about what we are dealing with or what our life alone is like. Here at the forum, and specifically in the "Loss of Spouse" forum, people do get the trauma of your loss. They are dealing with many if not all of the same emotions.

When I first joined here last March I was devastated. Less than two days after my lovely 45 year old wife Tammy came home from rehab (after a prolonged hospital stay), she died shockingly and suddenly at home. I have many issues with the poor medical treatment Tammy received over the years. Over the years Tammy and I had been through so much trauma and spent years dealing with incompetent and uncaring medical people. I could write a book, trust me.

People here helped me in many ways. My will to live was very low. Being surrounded by people who care and understand on this forum made a big difference in my life.

I know you are consumed by your own loss and all the issues surrounding it. But, I honestly believe, reading other people's stories and reading about their grief journeys may help you as well.

And of course, please tell us your story. Honestly, my first post ever at the forum was telling my story (that's kind of what everybody does).

 

[kayc]

DawnMarie,

I hear your frustration and anger, and believe me, we understand those feelings.  We don't know your situation but we're here when you're ready to tell us.  You've already received some good replies, so not much to add to them, but I agree with what Mitch and Terri have said.

[DawnMarie]

Kacy, you don't know how good it is to hear that. I surely didn't intend to seem as tho I am in any way thinking or saying anyone's circumstances are not as important, nor worse.  And it's not my subsequent situations anything other then to try and see the blessings, as it could be worse.  I mean no disrespect or offense. I hope I haven't, as it's never my intention.  I have a difficult time with communication I'm always seeming to be possibly misunderstood .

I  may decide to write a book, so I'll get, hopefully, right to it, without my bad habit of making it a long story. 

James and I met in 2010, and both feel madly head over heals in love. We were septated by miles, but not by faith and love. Beginning of 2011, James gave up a position where he lived and moved to where I did, and 6 months later we were married. 

The first couple years were bumpy. A new mortgage, adjusting to a Brady bunch family when his son came to live with us, but the boys were doing well. I had some medical problems that resulted in the loss of my job, and eventually terminated.  James is and was a brother in a prison ministry. He found a new way of life and turned his over to God and accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior long before we met.  He rehabilitated, served his debt to society, and discharged his parole.  He was taking care of his mom and relieving the stress off his step father after she suffered a stroke while he was gone. His step father received ZERO support from his kids and being he was from Italy, mom was all he had. He dotted on her, as he vowed, but was a great relief to have a break.

[kayc]

None of us would take it that way, in fact we've made this statement on here before, so I'm borrowing the words from someone else.  I've learned so much from the dear people on this site!

I used to do prison ministry when I was in my previous church, I learned a lot through it.  I am a person that believes in people paying their debts but just as importantly, getting second chances as they've demonstrated their worthiness in receiving.  My husband came from a horrid background and it took him his lifetime to learn new ways, and he was living proof that people can change because the man I met and fell in love with was not the same person that existed years before.  The things most kids learn when they're young (love, trust, empathy, security, etc.) were missing in his family and development.  It's much harder to develop those things as an adult, but it can be done!  A person has to see the need and want to change so they can put to use the wonderful help that is now available through therapy.  I'm glad your husband found this to be true as well.  I also believe that what we are inept at doing/changing within ourselves, God can make the difference in accomplishing in us.

[Margm]

Semantics: the meaning of a word, phrase, sentence, or text.

I went to bed after 1:00 a.m. this morning trying to fit a text into a smart phone.  I gave up.  DawnMarie, I did not give up on  you though.  We hate to hear words, and that is all they are, they are just words.  Again, one of my mama's teachings, and as kids we learned "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never harm them."  See, this was before computers.  Another phrase she quoted me: “The moving hand once having writ moves on. Nor all thy piety nor wit can lure it back to cancel half a line."  I had to look this one up because Mama quoted a lot of  people, mostly the Bible, but this was Omar Khayyam.  So, what we write might not break our bones, but our words certainly can do harm.  

"Moving on and acceptance" can bring up another emotion, anger.  I gave the analogy of a sack of dog poop with the word acceptance.  Moving on seems like we are leaving someone behind.  Yet, if we do not "move on" (perhaps using some other words) we are going to be like the woman who sat in her  one place on the couch until she had to have skin grafts to her behind.  

So, we need kinder words than acceptance and moving on.  

I do not like where my mind is this morning.  I have to get up from this chair and pack books.  I have decisions to  make.  I am having to drop our credit union for another one.  I received a note by email that I had not used their bill pay service in a couple of months.  No, because now I have to have something in my name because Billy has "moved on."  I don't know where he moved to because he and I are not communicating.  I have big plastic bucket boxes piled up to be moved to the apartment I have been paying for these last two months.  

I am not young, but somehow being young or being old does not matter.  I have not moved my muscles and bones much in over seven months.  This packing and planning have me certifiable insane.  Believe me, before all this happened, the colors in my big Crayola box rattled every time it was moved.

"Time heals all wounds."  Now that one will really bring on anger.  This wound will never heal.  My old bones and joints have almost had three bad falls and I know the implications if this happens.  Sometimes I feel like I am swimming against the tide (and I cannot swim period.)  Moving on????  Maybe my body has to move on (slowly), acceptance ???, well, I will leave the sack of dog poop outside the door.  

We fight the good fight.  Semantics again.  If I don't "move on" I will have skin grafts to my behind.  If I move too fast, I will be in the hospital with hip replacements.  When it  all comes down to  it, we do what we can, we do it at our own speed, if the anxiety gets too bad we have to get personal help, if that doctor does not fit into our criteria of helping us, we find another.  In the meantime, we have each other on this forum and we have semantics.  The person who said "One size does not fit all" said what we have to live.

DawnMarie, Widowbysuicide, I cannot fathom the legal misery you are going through.  This mental misery after living with this man for 54 years is all my wax laden, short circuited from 1970's amphetamines brain can handle.  I will tell you that the people on here are the best.  I also will tell you that some of them have gone through some of your legal battles themselves and they will probably message you.  And Marty........well, her wealth of information kept me from suicide.  And semantics again, but some days I am totally "up against the wall."  Today is one of them.  Now, I  have beat my "run-on" fingers into  submission.    

[kayc]

Okay, agreed...no more use of "acceptance" or "moving on" here!!

[Margm]

When it all comes down to it Kay, it is just all semantics.  We can substitute same words that mean the same thing.  I think sometimes our grief laden brains cannot handle the word death, so I say "left me, gone off, etc."  Again, they all mean the same thing.  One nose is wiped with sandpaper, the other with Kleenex.  Depends on what moods these Ninja mixer brains are in for the day.  No offence meant.  Well, that is probably a lie.  I probably meant offence, but today is another day.  I was mean this morning.  I am mellow this afternoon.  I took all Billy's coyote calling CD's and hunting books up to the Sheriff's office.  This is a bunch of country boys that come from people that hunt for food a whole lot.  I felt good about giving them all his hunting paraphernalia.  I also told them there were no guns, he hunted with a camera.  They are not getting the pictures.  I did not want to leave them to the thrift store, where I had planned on leaving them.  These guys are associated with the wild life officers in this county and someone might can use them.  I cried when I left them.  I feel good about it now.  I think Billy approved.  

I came home and questioned my giving all the things to the sheriff's office, thinking I should have given them to the wildlife and fisheries unit.  I called back up there and the woman said their "animal person" took the whole sack of books and calls.  I'll bet there were at the very least $1000 worth of CD's and books in that bag.  I don't know what an "animal person" is, but know they said he was happy with them.  I picture a coonskin cap and animal vest and pants.  It made me happy.  I think Billy was happy someone appreciated getting all this.

Probably not a good picture for a grief column.  (On edit, I took it off).  It really looks like someone I know, minus the colors, and does not belong here.  

 

[kayc]

Unless (the picture) depicts "crazy", which we all might feel a little of...

[mittam99]

Moving on will never be a phrase in my grief vocabulary.

On the other hand, I did like the "Movin' On" show back in the 1970's...

 

 

[Margm]

Me too.  Just saw Smoky and the Bandit, (again and again) one of them with Sally Field and Jerry Reed.  Do not mean to step on anyone's sensibilities, but I am moving away from this house.  I am never leaving Billy, I have six huge boxes of his stuff packed and ready for shipment.  If I am not moving on, then I am hauling ass.  Sorry about that.  Can never leave Billy, I am taking him with me, he will always be with me and all his hunting paraphernalia that I can hang on the walls will be with me.  Anyhow, I am not going to  have skin grafts to my behind from sitting in one place.   

[TerriL]

Well, I don't know how "appropriate" the Cheshire Cat is for the forum, but if it's any consolation, it made me smile when I saw him.  I love the Cheshire Cat! I remember Movin' On, too---it makes me think of that song, Convoy. And I'm raising my hand as another Smoky and the Bandit fan. I watch that movie whenever it comes on a REAL movie channel, were they don't cut and edit and censor it. Paul and I used to watch that movie together, too. Eastbound and Down is one of my favorite songs, too.

It's been 7 months now and I haven't gone through anything of Paul's yet. I have gone through a lot of my own stuff though. The Vietnam Veterans of America picked up several boxes just the other day. Books, old clothes, shoes. I had a ton of papers from back in October that had listings for homes that Paul and I were going to look at. I went through them all and threw most away. Paul's stuff still sits where he left it the day we saw the eye doctor in Miami and he suffered the final stroke. It isn't like I sit and stare at these things all day long. Sometimes, I hardly notice them as I go about my daily existence. I'm used to them being there and they aren't in the way. Oh, while I'm thinking about it----one of the things that has hurt the most is when I've finally drummed up the courage to take care of something like canceling Paul's SiriusXM radio in his truck or deactivating his cell phone. It takes all my strength to call and do this and they claim they will take care of everything. Then, the next month, here comes a bill for the service I canceled a month ago! Now, I have to muster up my strength to not only cancel it again, but tell them I'm refusing to pay their bill and they'd better credit me. Why do they put you through that? Why can't people just do their jobs and spare you the agony?

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Terri,

I remember when I finally decided to drop Mark's phone line from my cell plan.  I waited until I could find someone who could record his outgoing voicemail message.  It is the only reminder I have with his voice on it (I wish it was a longer message).  There are still many of Mark's belongings still around...although I have sorted them out, they remain in bags and stacks in various places.  His shower has not been touched...the one place that has nothing else mixed in...just him.  Not sure when I will be ready to move or even touch those things. You take as long as you need to, Terri.   

[TerriL]

Thank you for that, Maryann. Do you know that I did the same thing with a message that my Paul had left on our voicemail a long time ago? It was from two years before he passed away and he had gone up to New Jersey for his father's funeral. All he said was "Just me. Talk to you later." I wish there had been more. But, I recorded it onto my iPhone, my iPad and then transferred it onto my iMac, too. I am making sure I do NOT ever lose that. Sometimes, when I've been having one of my bad days, I'll sit at my computer and play that small snippet again and again......... I close my eyes and picture him. Eventually, I guess I'm going to have to sell his truck. I don't want to have to pay money for insurance on something I don't even drive. Unless anyone has a suggestion! A neighbor mentioned taking the plate off the truck and not renewing the insurance. But, does anyone have any idea if that would hinder my selling it if I decided to go that route? I have no idea about cars and such.

[kayc]

Terri,

Storage insurance is super cheap and will cover it in case of theft.  You can also get the multiple car discount having it.  Last time I checked you have to have liability insurance on a vehicle in order to put it up for sale in case prospective buyers want to test drive it.

[Patty65]

Hi Terri,

It's been 3 1/2 months for me.  Just last week I finally cancelled his cell phone. That was so fricken hard.  I only did it because, after failing several times, I had to go to the Verizon store anyway to get a new plug for our business phone.  I need to be stronger.  I need to figure out what's going on with this bill or that bill.  I need to take care of things at the house before things are really ruined.  And I can't.  I go home and I'm paralyzed by pain and memories and a million other things, including feeling sorry for myself and how alone I am.  My one and only friend got quite upset at me the other day for not taking her advice on things, and missing telling her happy birthday.  And because she sent me a photo of her son with a puppy that I didn't respond to.  I should have, but I was triggered by Ron's love for those puppies.  Now apparently we are not talking and it hurts.  I don't mean to hurt anyone.  

As far as sparing you the agony. Wow, the blunders that happen.  On the day Ron was going, I got an insurance call about my car that was stolen from Hospice three days before.  I told her I could not talk, that my husband was dying.  I was blunt.  And she could hear him in the background.  She called back the next day, knowing he had gone.  Her first question - "Marital Status?"  OMG to say the word "Widow" for the first time, and so close.  I burst into tears saying that.  Do you want me to call back, she said.  No, I want to get this over with!  I hate dealing with the world now.  And I hate that I hate it.

I was independent a long time raising my daughter to the age of 10 on my own when I fell in love with Ron.  I was so PROUD to have him to depend on.  To actually give up control and not have to do every aspect of life all by myself.  And he was proud to be depended upon.  I hate being back there.  I guess I hate a lot of things today.

My mother always taught me never to use the word "hate". But sometimes, there's just no other word.

[Gwenivere]

Terri, I don't know if you have plates on the front and back of his car, but I seriously doubt removing the one in front without the tag for registration would affect anything you decided to do with the truck.  

[kayc]

Patty,

Wow, how rude of your insurance agent!  If you didn't have so much on your plate already I'd recommend looking for a new one!  Wow.  Wondering how she'll feel when this happens to her.

[Margm]

We have everything with one agency and have for years.  I hate it but with the house, two vehicles, the RV, we get a discount.  Still hate it.  When the house goes we will not use Shelter anymore.  

[TerriL]

Kay, Patty was the one with the unbelievably heartless insurance agent. But, I've dealt with others who are equally clueless and cold---we probably ALL have at some point after our losses. 

We don't have the plates that are front and back---only on the back. Right now, Paul's truck is backed in to our carport. We don't have a garage (one of the reason we were looking for a ew home at the time he passed was because Paul dreamt of having a garage for the vehicles and all his tools). He also has his '85 El Camino, but I don't drive that either. It's not in the best condition and I'm not sure it's reliable. I'm thinking about the renewal notice for our insurance that will arrive some time during the summer months. I paid the insurance on all three vehicles with the last notice at the start of 2016, but I'm wondering if I can save myself some money by insuring my PT Cruiser alone (I'll definitely look into that "storage" insurance, too--thank you, Kay!). These are the things I hate so much. Yes, Patty, HATE is exactly how it feels when you're dealing with stuff that is impossibly difficult and painful. You're between a rock and a hard place. Paying more money than I needed to was what finally kicked my butt to do something about Paul's cell phone. I paid the extra money for two phones for two months after Paul had passed and wasn't even using it any longer. There was something comforting about knowing his phone was still activated, as if somehow a part of him still lingered on this side of the "veil". Of course, then my washer unexpectedly broke down, I had to spend almost $900.00 for a new one, my brother in law threw his tantrum and quit doing my lawn so I had to pay money for a lawn service---all these things were happening and I knew I had to take some action to save money that was now needed in other areas.

Patty, I also remember the first time I had to say I was a "widow" and yep, I burst into tears, too. I didn't want to say it, it was far too painful! I think I barely managed to choke it out. When I'm talking to someone, I still say I'm "Paul's wife" because I am. A while back, a few of us on here expressed our total disdain for that word "widow" or "widower". Why can't we find another term and relegate that word to wherever the word "spinster" was placed in storage. No one uses that one anymore! How about separated? We're separated, just not by choice, the way it is before couples divorce.

Patty, you are strong enough. We are all strong enough. It's one of the most important and helpful things I've learned on here from talking with everyone else. It's helped to realize that grief isn't a linear process. That lesson was a biggie for me. At first, I thought I should be going from A to B and then, on to C, etc. and callous, uncaring family members were only reinforcing that belief system in me. Which turned out to be totally WRONG. That was what was better for THEM. I was feeling worse than ever and helpless. I can't thank everyone on this forum enough for figuratively picking me up off the floor, sitting me down in a chair and sharing their own stories with me so that I could see for myself that everything I was going through and feeling wasn't "abnormal" or "wrong". They validated my feelings that it was my family members who were out of line. I'm still in pain, I still get frightened from time to time, I will always love and miss Paul---forever---but I feel stronger now than I felt in February. I'm calmer and have more of a wait and see attitude than one of panicking every time I get a bill or hear disturbing news. When it gets too much, I get on here and get it out of me and everyone rallies around you. It's a wonderful feeling that we're here for each other, even though it's the worst pain that brings us together. 

[MartyT]

 

46 minutes ago, TerriL said:

A while back, a few of us on here expressed our total disdain for that word "widow" or "widower". Why can't we find another term and relegate that word to wherever the word "spinster" was placed in storage.

Dr. Ken Doka (noted author, educator, researcher and expert in grief) suggests using the term "surviving spouse" instead of "widow" or "widower."

[TerriL]

That's much better. I wish government forms and the like would adopt this term.