If You're Going Through Hell

[KATPILOT]

Happy anniversary Brad. The first one is not easy I know but in the years ahead you will remember this day with more happy memories than sad. Always mixed emotions but my last was my sixth and even though I was alone on a trip to celebrate it, I didn't feel completely alone if you understand what I mean.  I married Kathy for always and forever. That day will continue to be my one most special day. So here's to you Deedo.   I'll toast you guys tonight.

[Margm]

Before Billy passed away, I received a survey from the big hospital about our treatment.  I think this is customary sometimes.  We had had much anger with a resident who we demanded not be on his case.  And, I do believe patient's should have this right.  Finally, and how ironic, I put at the bottom of the survey that I would not recommend this hospital for anything but an autopsy.  Sadly, by the time this survey reached them through the mail, that is all that was left to do. (There was no autopsy).  I never heard from them again, except for the various bills from the various doctors that were on his case.  There were plenty of them.  Insurance covered almost everything and I finished up the rest in January.  My final destination in this life is to see this state in my rear view mirror.  Even though intelligently, I realize the state was not at fault.  I could write the smokeless tobacco people, but nothing would be gained.  When they are gone, they are just gone.  We cannot look back and change a thing.

[Clematis]

The problem with doctors is that they are people, like the rest of us, and we all make mistakes. I am an LCSW (social worker) and also a school psychologist; as the latter I evaluate kids with problems in school to decide if they need extra help (like special education) to be successful in school. We have up to 60 days to make this decision, and it is a team decision. I rely heavily on the parents and the teachers to make team decisions. Although I have the lead role and frequently am in the "hot seat", it is a team decision and we have the luxury of time. Also, if anyone decides that we made the wrong decision, we can go back and do it over.

My doctor does not have that luxury. When he talked to me on the phone and told me to go home and stop worrying, it was a mistake, but it was a five minute conversation and he had limited information. I always hope in my own work that I will never make a mistake-or never make another mistake. But dang it, I do! Fortunately it never costs anyone their life, and my errors can be fixed.  Medical doctors and nurses and other practitioners (who work with the body) are a lot farther out on a limb, usually working alone and under a lot of pressure. When I first met my own doctor, I met him through my job. I had been under the care of a doctor who did inadequate assessments before starting a shoot-from-the-hip treatment and I didn't like it, but when my dad came out here and started to see the same doctor, I reconsidered, as my dad clearly needed a really good Dr.

I was evaluating two young students whose father was a Dr-a GP. I really had to go out on a limb for one of these kids and my boss was so mad at me for assuring that the parents knew what their legal rights were so that they could make informed decisions-well, I thought she was going to fire me. At some point she told me to stop talking to the parents. I did what I knew was right-morally and legally-and continued to inform them. It all worked out, my boss got over it, and the parents got what they wanted-and needed for their kids. Then I decided I wanted the dad as PCP for myself and my dad. Over the last decade he worked very hard for my dad. During his last illness, I was trying to get my dad into the local rehab/SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility), but my doctor said oh no, I'm going to get him into a much better place-and it's not a SNF-it's an actual rehab hospital-and a well-known one. They had a waiting list, but tons of people all over the area just love this doc, so he was able to slip him in. If he had gone to the SNF instead he probably would have died anyway, and he would have died here in town instead of at the fancy hospital over the mountain. I liked him being in the fancy hospital over the mountain-he seemed to have a better chance. And I think he didn't really want me to be there when he actually passed. Would I have rather been there? How could I possibly know?

I talked to the doctor at the fancy rehab doctor after my father's death and he was rather open and honest about it all. Well, yes there were some errors and bad decisions about my father's meds.  Would he still be alive without all that? who knows-probably not. He was 88 and had been struggling with Parkinson's for a long time. Even if he had survived, he would not have been able to have the quality of life that he wanted and he would have had to leave his home and live somewhere else. When my dad was still alive and I realized what the Dr had done with the meds, I was angry and confronted him, telling him that he had to fix it, and he did. I am devastated to have lost my dad, but I am not angry at the Dr. I think my dad died because he was tired of struggling, not because of med errors.  After I showed up and opined upon the matter, the Dr. did what I asked him to do...

And my own doctor...I love that guy and think my dad and I have both been really fortunate to have had him. Is he capable of making mistakes? Yes, and I think for him to tell me to go home and stop worrying was not a good decision. I think he was tired and really really ready for a long vacation after five years of no vacations, and who knows how long it's been since he had a vacation alone with his wife? He gave me some bad advice, but it didn't kill me, and eventually the woman covering for him corrected me by setting up the right things-and telling me to stop running around like a maniac, since I had a head injury.

Sorry this was so long, but it's another view on medical professionals...

[Margm]

You are right, doctors are human, or at least supposed to be.  I worked with them 43 years.  The head of the department I worked for, in the same hospital I retired from, I had to run the patient's symptoms by him before he would talk to them.  I explained one patient to him, his symptoms, and then I said "I do not know what he has."  He looked at me with all his over 6'5" frame and held his hand up in the imitation of Johnny Manziel, (which Johnny had probably not been born at that time), but it was to rub his fingers together indicating money.  He said "I know what he does not have, send him to the residents in the clinic."  Yes, doctor's are human.  Some of them. 

I have two first cousins that are doctors.  One is an ER physician, the other was just in the past few years voted one of the best in Chicago.  

We all make mistakes, even doctors.  I cannot blame them for Billy's death.  That is mine and his fault for not recognizing symptoms and trusting that his twice a year lab work and physicals were being followed.  I blame myself a lot because my job was typing symptoms for everything.  After I found out how sick he really was I saw things that should have been noticed by me long before.  Doctors are not magicians.  If you don't go, they cannot help.  

And speaking of magicians, I need a fairy godmother terribly.  I am in the middle of the biggest mess I have ever been in.  I have at least a million (and really not much of an exaggeration) papers trying to put the important things where they were supposed to go in the first place.  Those things from 2002, I just threw away.  Will leave tomorrow to take a truck load so my daughter can have her yard sale.  She can have all the money, I was going to give them away.  I have the big plastic buckets everywhere with "move" written on them.  I will handle it.

[kayc]

Terri,

I have a good friend who was losing his vision a few years back, the doctor pretty much sent him home to finish going blind.  He used the bit of vision he still had left to research it for himself and found the leading doctor in the country (who was too busy to set up an appt. with him), so then found someone who had trained under him and made arrangements to fly out of state and be seen by him.  Turns out he had a brain tumor and that's what was causing his vision loss.  As soon as he had it operated on,his eyesight returned.  And this first idiot doctor would have just ended his life!

Bottom line is we are responsible to pursue the medical help we need, all while being ignorant of what is going on, it's a tall order!  We do our best but some suffer the consequence of incompetence in the medical field.  My George was one.  His doctor should have referred him to a cardiologist when he had his first major heart attack, but he didn't, he even insinuated George was faking it to get on disability!  If he knew George, he'd know nothing was farther from the truth, George had been raised to believe that a man who didn't work wasn't a man.  I'd pretty much convinced him his working days (as a welding fabricator) were over that last fateful weekend...but then it was too late.  Instead he had another heart attack and died.  I know doctors make mistakes, but he had all the symptoms and his doctor knew his family history and yet did nothing.  I would be enjoying this holiday weekend with him right now if not for that.

I never sued the doctor but I told him I wanted him to promise me to always take it seriously with the next patient and to refer them to the specialist they needed!

[Margm]

One of our GYN doc's, his wife/live in girlfriend (whatever) died of breast cancer and she was a nurse.  I think sometimes we are afraid to find out, but in this doc's case, I'll be he kicked himself all the way to his new wife, and there was one later.  But, the only time I doubted grief was when my cancer friend died, we were all together at M.D. Anderson, her husband and Billy became good friends.  When she died, I called to talk to Larry.  The MIL told me he had been so lonesome, he was on his honeymoon.  He married the week she was buried.  I know he grieved, but honestly, maybe a little respect.  Just a little.

But the Bible teaches us not to judge.  It does not tell us how not to be human though.

[kayc]

I'm sure he did grieve, remarriage or not.  Sometimes people are hit so hard they can't bear to be alone or face their grief so they try rebuilding their life...it just doesn't work very well though;.  Then they wake up one day and realize their grief is still staring them in the face and they're now in a marriage that may not have been the right thing to do.  The thing is, we are not in our right minds when our spouse dies and it takes a helluva long time to find or rebuild our minds!

[Margm]

Kay, I know to what you are referring in your note.  I agree with sometimes the frame of mind is this way.  But you see, Juanita was bedridden for months and Larry was dating the new bride during this time while his mother took care of my friend.  Now, I do feel a little bitter from this.  But, I did see him when I went to her grave.  I visioned Boot Hill in Gunsmoke.  That part of Texas was so barren.  I had a plaque I put on her grave.  It was the most beautiful cemetery with those tall skinny trees that won't grow in my home territory. Larry came to meet us at the cemetery.  We did not discuss anything but his fishing trips on the big lake near this small town.  She crocheted me a round tablecloth while she was sick.  A big one.  We had the same kind of cancer.  I can still hear her voice after 32 years.  Why can't I hear Billy? 

[kayc]

Wow, that is jumping the gun!  I'm of the moral belief that if something doesn't have a solid foundation, it's likely to crumble.

I don't know why you can't recall Billy's voice, maybe it'll come yet when you have less on your plate.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Happy anniversary Brad. The first one is not easy I know but in the years ahead you will remember this day with more happy memories than sad. Always mixed emotions but my last was my sixth and even though I was alone on a trip to celebrate it, I didn't feel completely alone if you understand what I mean.  I married Kathy for always and forever. That day will continue to be my one most special day. So here's to you Deedo.   I'll toast you guys tonight.

Steve - Thanks for the well wishes.  It is so hard to believe that such an amazing lady chose me to spend her life with thirty-eight years ago.  I also struggle to accept that it has been ten months since she died.  On a more positive note today was also my granddaughter's sixth birthday so there is joy to offset the sadness.  Again Steve, my friend, thank you for remembering.  And here's to a remarkable lady!

[Margm]

“There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.” ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind  

There is a joke about "my family does not suffer from insanity, it delights in it."  I know I said that wrong, but I live that life. 

And we are told that grief is not insanity.  Maybe not, but it sure feels like it.  Sometimes it feels like we are fighting a losing battle.  I lose myself in this moving calamity.  Am I sane.  Happily, I am not sane.  Is it because of the grief???  Well, I was not too sane before the grief and now I am doubly not sane.  

We handle things the way we handle them.  If you want to get angry, get angry.  If you want to get bitter, get bitter.  If you want to stay in bed all day, if you can honestly stand to be around yourself in bed all day, then go ahead.  If John Smith has already remarried two months after Jane died., then more power to him..  Only in the back of your sane mind you think "poor schmuck, he is going to have to go through this all over again."  

I really got into genealogy.  I found out the great grandfathers on both sides of my family married and their wives, both of them, had about 12-13 kids and finally with that last kid, poor woman, in her middle 30's or early 40's, she escaped.  Of course she died from all of this.  But  wait, there was an old maid of 25 living down the road.  "He" needed a babysitter so he married her and she wore herself out caring for the 10-13 kids and then having nine or more herself.  Soon she escaped too.  Finally, "he" got so old a wife outlived him.  But, "he" populated the woods and bayous with enough people begetting all those other people.   

I think my bloodline was very undiluted. (Is that the word I want?)  I have done a lot of crazy things.  My parents did not kill me, but I don't think either was too sane.  If they had been they would not have fussed for so many years.  Finally death claimed one and the other, which had never met sanity face to face, she slipped over that fine edge of genius and insanity.  

So, however, you handle this grief, it is yours to handle.  This forum seems to be here to help us with whatever is bothering us at the moment.  Maybe one day we can graduate and be a member of society again.  Society?  Does that mean the sane world of politics, religion, ISIS, gun control, the fight over who uses what bathroom?  Do you have any idea how many public bathrooms you have been in where there was a transgender person sitting in the next stall.  Have you worried or wondered about it before now?  As a kid I used to wonder why the blacks were made to use one water fountain and the whites another.  In our small town Christmas parade the black high school band had old dirty uniforms but they were so glorious in their performance while our vanilla, white bread band just walked and played some stupid music. And churches.  The black people have such a wonderful church service.  I have sat through many a Baptist church service where the loudest noise was stomachs growling from hunger.   

We do what we have to at any given moment.  We have to roll on down whatever hill we have started rolling down, and unless you die yourself, you have to  experience whatever you are feeling at the moment.  I just really have a fear of being that woman that sits on her butt on the couch for so many years I have to have skin grafts.  But whatever you do "do your own thang."  (and that is my redneck talk).  Don't worry about doing "it" wrong.  I don't think there is a wrong in grief.  There might be a "move on" and I think I will just ignore some things.  If that is your "thang" then do it.

[DawnMarie]

That was absolutely the most beautiful and touching thing I have heard since James died.  Made me cry good hopeful tears of the best encouragement I've had.  And that's a good thing.  Don't get me wrong, I've been blessed with a few, very few, people that truly care about, what I feel is me as a person, and what I'm going through as it applies to the death of James.  

But what they don't understand if it's been one tragedy after another for us the last three years or so.

So my s*** goes so much deeper then the extreme loss that comes from the loss of your spouse.  

Especially so unexpected and should have been completely avoidable.  At least from my stand point as a witness to the care of those I entrusted him with.

 

 

[Margm]

I liked it.  I reread it and decided some might not like it.  Now I cannot get rid of it.  I'm going to bed.  I am not real time sad, but I am real time tired and I have to drive 175-185 in the morning back to that ......house.  Things are coming together.  Anyhow I don't know how to fix this. 

I did get rid of it.  I have to google the word platitudes.  I think I think of quotes and I am gonna wrap my redneck brain around a platitude.

[DawnMarie]

On 5/28/2016 at 7:12 AM, kayc said:

Dawn,

My pastor went on vacation the morning after George died, telling me the next three weekends weren't a good time for a funeral, so I had to make arrangements and get a former pastor to do the funeral (he lived several hours away).  Sometimes those we'd count on just aren't there for whatever reasons and that makes it pretty tough.

You mention the county not coming through, do you work for the county or something?

Do you have children, if so, are they still at home?  Any extended family or friends nearby?  My friends all disappeared and my family is spread out but we did talk by phone.  

This is a safe place to share what you're going through, vent, and just know you are heard by people who get it.

We're here when you're ready to talk.

Yes I have children.  We both have children, in a Brady Be type family. That actually is one of the indirect issues that I mentioned. You see, I wasa single mom for MANY years after my divorce from their sperm donor. I stayed pretty much celibate for about 8 years, if that is any indication of the type.  For three years I had a friend, a best friend, but I wasn't in love with him like he was me. And there wasn't a connection with my boys. So I told him it wasn't fair to him that I just didn't share the same feelings. Although I wanted to remain friends, it didn't happen. My boys weren't affected to bad. We lived with my parents, which was a blessing some ways. I worked 40+ hrs, paid someone else to raise my kids, active in cub scouts, and missed every school activity held during the day to make a bottom dollar for an entity I no longer respect.  In fact, if I could do it over again, I'd live on welfare checks, and dedicated my every available minute volunteering to be with my kids. But, that's not how I did it.  I use to take pride in the fact I worked to stay off welfare. My ex wasn't involved in the boys life much. I got tired of calling him and him rejecting to take them for a weekend so I could have time for myself. His excuses were always about his new wife and him fighting.  So I just quit calling and raised them myself.  After I "became single" even though I always claimed to be only friends, I decided it was time for me to start dating again.  I didn't want my boys exposed to meeting allot of people, so I didn't involve them. Things were getting strange at my parents, I'm sure I know why, but it doesn't change the reality of it. I was seeing a guy and something caused me to decide it was time to move out on my own. I wasn't in love, but he was a crutch. I applied for a mortgage loan and was approved. Thrilled beyond belief, I journeyed down the home buyers path. It took months bidding until I finally didn't get outbid by an investors.  I was doing it on my own and I no longer was seeing the guy.  Then, I hurt my back at work. Being the manager, I chose to see my own DR's, as i needed my job cause I just bought a house. I was Woking half days and on the eve of Halloween 2010 is when I met James.  We met through a social media group on the internet. We hit it off right away.  We lived in different cities, so we got to know each other before we met face to face. We quickly became friends, and he was a God send from the beginning. As for work, I figured my back would heal in time and by having my employees help me with things I couldn't do, it'd be no time before I was healed. Hell, there was nothing much different from the quacks I paid for. So, I told my dr I was ready to go back to work even tho my back wasn't. I was already stressing financially, but still ok.  I was released and the day I went back to full time, I was demoted. I took a direct blow to my self image. I was upset. James was very supportve assuring me things would be OK.  It had been weeks since we started chatting and our friendship was pretty solid. But I got depressed almost immediately. Some of my employees/now Co workers tried to get me out of my funk and invited me to a party. The boys were gone and first I said no. But I thought about it and I called James and asked if he wanted to go to a party with me. At first he declined, thinking about the drive. So I said, what if I pick you up?  He said yes and I made the hour drive. I'll never forget that first face to face meeting. I felt like a school kid. Butterflies, heart skipping, and when I pulled into the community driveway, there he was. It was dark, and u remember him taking me I had to get out of the vehicle and give him a hug.  I knew I was in trouble second he closed his arms around me. We drove to taco Bell cause I was hungry and we were talking and laughing, plus he made me all nutty inside, I drove right past the ordering post and didn't even realize it until we got to the window. I still laugh about that one.  I decided, maybe he should drive. We switched seats and headed to my town and the party. It was on this very night, on the I5 coming down the Grapevine, we knew!  The center console was where I rested my arm, and as I just changed the CD, James took my hand and wrapped it into his.  The jolt of electricity that coursed through us both through our arms and into our souls, he said he knew right then, I was the one.  It scared the be Jesus out of me and I denied it for a while.... But I knew.  I knew.  

Thank you for sparking up that memory for me.  I'm sure you didn't know it, and I wasn't expecting it, but what a blessing to relive that memory, while sharing with you all.   God is beautiful. 

[kayc]

Those are the beautiful kind of memories I choose to remember and cherish.

[Margm]

I am going to completely revise what I wrote.  She told Kelli that her daddy (Billy) was standing right beside her.  Of course it scared Kelli.  I guess I get jealous that she can talk to him and I cannot.  I hope if I have to live that long that I can live in that land of our past instead of this land of the present.  Alzheimer's is a horrible thing.  There is a part of Mama's brain that tells her to "go ahead, do it, do it, you know you can" and her  poor body just lets her down.  I spent yesterday with her.  My sister has to spend every day.  She gets a week's respite this week, Mama goes into the unit for a week.  There are reasons she cannot stay all the time and there is nothing I can do about it.  I wish I could.  She needs in a big playpen with the sides all padded.  I want to be in a padded room myself sometimes, but I would quietly color on the walls.  Mama would climb them.  She talks to her family, she talks to Billy (who she thought of as her son), but she does not talk to my Daddy or her mother-in-law (she hated her MIL).  

[Margm]

Okay, I am in a better mood.  I forgot to mention today (although I have mentioned it time and time before, today was my mom's 95th birthday.  Is it any wonder my dad married her after knowing her only two weeks.  Boy was he in for a surprise.  They hung in together though from 1940 until 1984 when he passed away.  Mama said he had a smile on his face when he left.  My son said it was because he was so happy to go.  Their relationship was very stormy.  My dad was a gentleman though, he always would turn the other cheek, put his hands in his pockets and walk away whistling.  It was not till years later I figured those hands were in his pockets to keep from doing what a gentleman would not have done.

I am pretty sure I have broken all 10 commandments, except the killing one.  My mom and dad raised me the best way they knew how.  I knew right from wrong and I went to church, and was taken to church by them.  I have got to say, neither drank (give my dad points for that), neither cursed, and they did not spare the rod.  I sure wish I had whatever gene it was that my mom had that made her able to save money (until her mind gave way), and wish I had Daddy's musical genius.  He could pick up any musical instrument and immediately play it.  His singing was not the best in the world, but that did not keep him from singing and whistling.  Guess I came from pretty good redneck stock.  Daddy from the Dorcheat Bayou bottoms, Mama from the Bodcau Bayou bottoms, met together in a papermill town.   

[Gin]

Beautiful pic of your Mom.

Gin

[kayc]

Your mom is adorable!  Yes, I can see why your daddy married her.   Happy 95th to your mom!

[Margm]

The whole time I was with her she slept.  When she awoke, she did not know me and went back to sleep fast.  I think they must have her on Haldol.  I can talk about my mom irreverently, but "bless her heart" she did the best she could.  She used to tell me "you cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."  And, this "sow's ear" gave her plenty to suffer with.  She was a seamstress extraordinaire.  My sister would let her dress her in all the frilly things she wanted to sew for her.  Myself, I wanted a tee shirt with a football player's number on it, blue jeans, etc.  She made me fancy bonnets to ward off the freckles that I tended to get playing in the sun.  By the time I was 15, I could make my own clothes just by looking in Sears Catalog and cutting my own patterns out of newspapers.  She has outlived seven siblings, and she was next to the youngest.  She has outlived all the siblings husbands (in fact, all the sisters outlived their husbands), and a book should be written about these rowdy sisters, all outstandingly beautiful.  They all smoked and Mama always said the siblings hated her because she was the only one who was able to keep smoking.  She called cigarettes "her friends."  And, they are the only friends she has left.  Louisiana has priced a carton of cigarettes now at $56.

[TerriL]

I'm sorry I haven't been on here. There's been stuff going on this past week---trying to figure out some place I can safely roll over my retirement funds so I'm not caught off guard and also had a headache the other day (tension, no doubt). 

Happy birthday to your mom, Marg! I love that picture of her. My mom was also a great seamstress. She could cook and bake like nobody's business, too. I was amazed at how much your father sounds like my late dad! My father had a gift where he could pick up any type of musical instrument and begin playing it. He also was an excellent "whistler". I'm musically inclined---I used to dance and I learned some piano---but I never had that ability to just pick up something and play it by ear. My whistling also leaves a lot to be desired. I cannot do it! It comes out like the wind howling outside during a hurricane. HAHA! It saddens me to see their generation leaving us. 

I've never smoked anything a day in my life and I can't believe the price for a carton of cigarettes! Are you kidding me? How can people afford to keep smoking? Geez!! My father used to always need his cigarettes, even when he didn't have many finances left. I honestly believe he would have forfeited food to make sure he had those cigs. My husband and I used to give him money from time to time for food and we'd also cook things for him and bring it over for his dinner, with enough so he'd have leftovers for the next day. 

[Margm]

Thanks Terri, glad you are back, hope you did good with your business dealings.  

The whistling reminded me that Billy always said when he heard me whistling he knew I was happy.  I have not whistled in over seven months.  Maybe someday.

 

[kayc]

I caught George gazing at me one time and I asked him "What?" and he said, I love it when you make cards, you make all those happy sounds.  I said, "Happy sounds??"  He said, "Yeah, like whistling and humming and stuff."  I never forgot that.  He just adored me, so opposite from what I was used to!

I learned how to whistle from my dad and don't know who I got the singing from.  My mom taught all of us girls to sew, a skill I've used throughout my life.  My MIL was also a seamstress, she used to have her own business.

I'm sorry you've had a rough week Terri, I hope the headache goes for good!

[Clematis]

I remember my dad whistling around the house as he did stuff. He also used  to sing stuff like "Jada, jada, jada jada jing jing jing". I never could whistle, which was a frustration, but at some point I realized that it was a good thing to say when people would say to me, "Jeez, is there anything you can't do?" I'd say, "Yeah, I can't whistle and I've been trying all my life. (Of course there are tons of things I can't do and even more things I am terrible at, such as almost anything involving physical co-ordination...

When my dad came out to Arizona, I gradually realized that he wasn't really the person he was when he was younger. In some ways that was good, like he jettisoned the impatience and violent temper, as well as most of the icky remarks and his wont to mess with people just to entertain himself. He became much more patient, kinder, and more thoughtful during his last decade. My sisters never saw that in him, but I sure did, which is why I coaxed him across the country. He really was a sweet man in the end, especially after he no longer had my narcissistic mother to revolve around. In a way I had the best of him, but that guy with all the energy running around whistling and doing all kinds of projects while he learned everything under the sun was gone by the time he came out here (due to the Parkinson's-or just age?) Anyway, the only way I can see that guy now is in the mirror...

[mittam99]

Marg, I hear you on the whistling. Tammy said the same thing as your Billy. When I whistled, she said she knew I was a happy camper. Nowadays, on the rare occasion I catch myself whistling, I feel guilty and stop.