If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

When Billy was with me, either he or I would sign cards to everyone we had to give cards to.  The first time I had to buy cards at Christmas it was the most vacant feeling and honestly I just swore I would never buy cards again.  Okay, Billy's retirement is more than mine so I figure any card I buy came from his money too so from now on I sign his name along with mine.  In fact, I usually buy cards that say "from the two of us" or "from both of us."  I might get looked at funny, but I had rather be looked at funny than I had to have that empty feeling.  I will do this as long as I live.  

[Gwenivere]

I've sent out cards two years without Steves name.  It was so strange to sign them from me and the furry kids.  I need to get more  like you, Marg, and not give a darn what people think.  I already know I am crazy, why hide it?  

[KarenK]

Terri,

What mental hospital did your BIL escape from. That is just nuts!

After a couple of years my "odd" BIL decided to start "hitting" on me and proceeded to tell me that he never liked Ron anyway. This revelation after 41 years plus many more of Ron helping him. He is not welcome here.

I am fortunate that my son and grandson are here to help me with the things I can no longer do. Although I would love to leave this hot place, I cannot. We somehow accept the things we cannot change.

[Margm]

Look, when I said I was financially okay, I definitely did not mean I am financially okay.  Billy and I lived a long time together.  We did not go from job to job.  I worked in a hospital so I could actually go from department to department and still stay in the same system.  Billy had worked five years for the state.  We saw greener pastures in Texas.  That poor man went to work for a steel mill making more dollars than I could spend while he was being burned to death in the steel mill. We had drawn out his five years retirement.  It did not take me long to go through that little bit of money..  His job at the steel mill would eventually kill him if he stayed there.  Even with safety equipment we were visitors to the doctor often.  Finally, he had part of a finger cut off.  Well, lesson learned.  Sometimes money is not everything.  We lost five years of his retirement money.  So, that meant we had to pay it back or he had to work that much longer to make it up.  We were state workers.  The retirement was great, but the pay monthly was living paycheck to paycheck.  Billy was able to enjoy 18 years of retirement.  My dad retired in May and found out he  had terminal cancer in August.  

Billy was the smart one, not me.  We paid into a retirement system and we both worked 80 years total.  Am I rich?  Without Billy I will never be rich.  And, we have three other families that have to have my help, so when you think about diluting something into a quart jar so all can drink out of it, you realize you will always live paycheck to paycheck.  At age 73, I am used to  it.  

[TerriL]

Oh, that's okay....a few years back, 2013, when Paul's dad was in the hospital with a serious illness (his dad passed shortly thereafter), his brother called from the hospital on the dad's cel phone. I picked up the phone and all I said was "Hello?" and my BIL called me by my husband's first wife's name. This is a woman Paul had not been with in over three decades and I had taken these people around and entertained them, cooked for them, cleaned up after them when they would visit us from up North. I was stunned for a moment and then just said, "WHO?" and he got all flustered and muttered "sorry, sorry". I would have said "Wrong number" and hung up on him, except I knew Paul's dad was in serious condition and instead, I just shoved the phone receiver at Paul and told him what his brother had said. He didn't say anything to this brother, which was probably part of the problem. Paul never wanted to start conflicts or anything and I was the one who would stand up to them. That's probably why they didn't care for me so much. They could take advantage of my sweet husband, but not me. I sound like a hard-tail, don't I? HAHA!! Seriously, I just feel that no matter who it is, relationships should be reciprocal. Not one of his family members, not even his own mother, called him on his 40th birthday---they never called him on any of his birthdays or Christmases, etc. But, they always knew the phone number when they were coming down and needed a free place to stay with free food, alcohol, chaffeur service, etc. I got tired of being treated like the front desk person/maid service. If they didn't get their way, you could expect them to begin making trouble or making snarky, nasty little remarks, disguised as humor. You know the kind---"We're going to have to get Paul a new girlfriend! Yuk, yuk!" Yes, that was actually said to me, too, before Paul and I were married and they were trying to pressure us into moving to where they lived. I simply stated that Paul's work was where WE lived and I didn't really have any desire to move. So, I don't think I need to add that I'm not particularly close to any of them and I feel I did my part by notifying them of Paul's passing. And that's all there is to that. 

As far as socializing, I haven't been up to it. I turned down holiday dinner invitations from my sister shortly after Paul had passed last year. She kept trying to "reason" with me that I needed to get out of the house, but she just didn't understand. I did recently make an exception and attended my niece's baby shower (and had a nice time, although there were a few moments I needed to go off alone to "collect" myself). When she was pregnant with her little boy, (who is now 5 and truly does give me some of that spark back when I play and run around with him), she didn't live down here and I didn't get to attend her first baby shower. So, I wanted to be there for her this time around in order to celebrate the pending arrival of her second child (it's a girl this time!). I will admit that I'm very excited about the new baby. It's like that Lion King thing with the Circle of Life and all that. My niece conceived two days after Paul passed, which I found surreal. When the baby arrives, I know I'll experience the bittersweet mixture of happiness and pain. On the other hand, I suppose my niece will, too. Although I've never done it myself, I'm sure giving birth is always a mix of happiness and pain. Haha! I've had friends who are encouraging me to attend my 40th high school reunion this July, but I'm not sure yet whether I can manage that. When the reunion plans were initially brought up last summer, Paul was still alive and I thought that when they had some plans in place, maybe Paul and I would attend together, since I still live in my hometown where it's being held. Obviously, now it's just me. I do have a special tribe of friends---three girls with whom I'm especially close, but who all live out of state---and they want to still see me even if I don't go to the actual event itself, so that will be something to look forward to. They are the ones who have been there for me through it all. I just wished they lived closer to me or I to them. 

Mitch, that poem was PERFECT! If I was getting on Facebook right now, which I haven't done in months---haha!---I'd post that right on my wall. I'll bet we have all gone through what she writes about. 

[TerriL]

54 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Look, when I said I was financially okay, I definitely did not mean I am financially okay.  Billy and I lived a long time together.  We did not go from job to job.  I worked in a hospital so I could actually go from department to department and still stay in the same system.  Billy had worked five years for the state.  We saw greener pastures in Texas.  That poor man went to work for a steel mill making more dollars than I could spend while he was being burned to death in the steel mill. We had drawn out his five years retirement.  It did not take me long to go through that little bit of money..  His job at the steel mill would eventually kill him if he stayed there.  Even with safety equipment we were visitors to the doctor often.  Finally, he had part of a finger cut off.  Well, lesson learned.  Sometimes money is not everything.  We lost five years of his retirement money.  So, that meant we had to pay it back or he had to work that much longer to make it up.  We were state workers.  The retirement was great, but the pay monthly was living paycheck to paycheck.  Billy was able to enjoy 18 years of retirement.  My dad retired in May and found out he  had terminal cancer in August.  

Billy was the smart one, not me.  We paid into a retirement system and we both worked 80 years total.  Am I rich?  Without Billy I will never be rich.  And, we have three other families that have to have my help, so when you think about diluting something into a quart jar so all can drink out of it, you realize you will always live paycheck to paycheck.  At age 73, I am used to  it.  

I can't really "Like" this without feeling weird. It's such a shame that you bust your behind for so many years and get treated like that in this world. I said the same thing to Paul when he was contemplating retirement a little earlier than he had originally planned. The bureaucratic nonsense that was going on at the time was getting too aggravating for him to bear, but he kept saying how we'd have more money if he could stick it out. I said to him exactly what you brought up, "At what COST? Your health and mental well-being isn't worth giving up for a little extra money." So, he retired in 2007 and had at least a little over 8 years retirement. In hindsight, I'm glad I helped persuade him to leave earlier. I have to disagree with you about one thing though. Billy was NOT the only "smart one"! You don't give yourself enough credit for being incredibly smart and wise, too! 

[scba]

Terri, you will know if you are ready to attend your school meeting, do what feels right for you. I have not attended mine for the simple reason that I didn't want to update about my grieving life nor inform others about what happened and why I am back to town. I attended a friend's wedding, I skipped the church ceremony and went directly to the party. I didn't have a good time at all, I didn't want to dance, I didn't chat much and I avoided to be in pictures. Someone came to inform me that the launching of the bouquett was about to take place and I replied with a face with horror. He later apologized, he had forgot that my boyfriend passed and what the bouquette ment. All in all, it is not a good memory but I made an effort to be there for my friend. This was the first and last time I attended a major social event. I don't think I will attend another wedding unless one of the spouses is a very close friend of mine. 

[Margm]

Terri, look in Wikipedia at "enablers."  Mine and Billy's pictures are there. 

And, if you were closer I would hug you.  And you all can come live with me.  I never learned now to say "no."  I am glad our mates had some time for retirement.   

[Margm]

Sometimes being older has its advantages.  Yes, I will go and meet with my classmates that we have kept in almost daily contact since they came out with Facebook, and before that with email.  Before that, letters.

Now as to age.  Unfortunately, not many of us have husbands anymore.  As in we are widows, most of us.  I have found a little crassness from a couple, but I just consider the source and love them anyhow.  We are the sisterhood of the traveling penny loafers, saddle oxfords, rolled up blue jeans, traveling main street in our small town on Friday nights, Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoon.  If you were not there, the afternoon or day was a total disaster.  Then we all moved on.  Now we all meet up again minus the husband we had for years and years, with grown families, and unfortunately they will have to accept the fact I still look 17.  I feel sorry for them.  But, I will go, and I will cry, and we will meet again unless they have to scrape me up off the floor and put me in a barrel to get me home.  No drinking.  We come from a place where liquor is not sold.  Or at least it didn't used to be.  Cannot drink it anyhow.  I am actually frightened.  Billy would not go to family reunions with me when we first married.  He was so standoffish (I thought).  When he finally started going I know people had thought I was hiding him, making him stay at home.  He was the life of the party, not standoffish at all.  I know (if I had my mystical magical imaginative mind back) that the two cardinals that visit me often, the  male and the female are Billy and Rubye my aunt.  They loved each other.  I loved them.  Billy has all his family up there with him, but I think he and my 90 year old aunt would hang out the most in my mystical, magical, imaginative mind.  Now I have to get my mystical, imaginative butt to work doing things I put off and put off.  Enablers, procrastinators.  I do have an RV beside the house on the pavement, and I guess my picture is under country redneck too.  I am proud of my heritage.

[TerriL]

2 hours ago, scba said:

Terri, you will know if you are ready to attend your school meeting, do what feels right for you. I have not attended mine for the simple reason that I didn't want to update about my grieving life nor inform others about what happened and why I am back to town. I attended a friend's wedding, I skipped the church ceremony and went directly to the party. I didn't have a good time at all, I didn't want to dance, I didn't chat much and I avoided to be in pictures. Someone came to inform me that the launching of the bouquett was about to take place and I replied with a face with horror. He later apologized, he had forgot that my boyfriend passed and what the bouquette ment. All in all, it is not a good memory but I made an effort to be there for my friend. This was the first and last time I attended a major social event. I don't think I will attend another wedding unless one of the spouses is a very close friend of mine. 

Ana, you brought up a situation that has been gnawing away at me but I've been reluctant to talk about it. I'm afraid of being thought of as "selfish". I think I mentioned how Paul and I helped to raise our goddaughter---she's turned out to be the most amazing, happy young woman. Well, she and her fiancé are getting married in April of next year. They want very much for me to attend, but I am so frightened to go. It isn't that I don't love them both to the moon and back, because I do. It isn't that I'm not happy for them with all my heart, because I am. It's the simple fact that Paul should be there, too. He should dance with her at her reception. I can't just skip the ceremony and attend the reception because they're marrying at a location farther away from where I live and they want to hire a limo to pick me up and drive me home (along with her biological parents who also live nearby). Once there, I'll be "stuck", with no escape from all the "love" and "forever afters" and their families wanting me to feel "cheerful". It's still rather far away, but it's been eating at me. I don't know where I'll be "emotionally" by next April, I don't know how I'll feel then. At this moment however, I can't bear the thought of having to sit and watch someone get married, remembering that moment when Paul and I looked into each other's eyes and said "I do". 'Til death parted us. 

[TerriL]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Sometimes being older has its advantages.  Yes, I will go and meet with my classmates that we have kept in almost daily contact since they came out with Facebook, and before that with email.  Before that, letters.

Now as to age.  Unfortunately, not many of us have husbands anymore.  As in we are widows, most of us.  I have found a little crassness from a couple, but I just consider the source and love them anyhow.  We are the sisterhood of the traveling penny loafers, saddle oxfords, rolled up blue jeans, traveling main street in our small town on Friday nights, Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoon.  If you were not there, the afternoon or day was a total disaster.  Then we all moved on.  Now we all meet up again minus the husband we had for years and years, with grown families, and unfortunately they will have to accept the fact I still look 17.  I feel sorry for them.  But, I will go, and I will cry, and we will meet again unless they have to scrape me up off the floor and put me in a barrel to get me home.  No drinking.  We come from a place where liquor is not sold.  Or at least it didn't used to be.  Cannot drink it anyhow.  I am actually frightened.  Billy would not go to family reunions with me when we first married.  He was so standoffish (I thought).  When he finally started going I know people had thought I was hiding him, making him stay at home.  He was the life of the party, not standoffish at all.  I know (if I had my mystical magical imaginative mind back) that the two cardinals that visit me often, the  male and the female are Billy and Rubye my aunt.  They loved each other.  I loved them.  Billy has all his family up there with him, but I think he and my 90 year old aunt would hang out the most in my mystical, magical, imaginative mind.  Now I have to get my mystical, imaginative butt to work doing things I put off and put off.  Enablers, procrastinators.  I do have an RV beside the house on the pavement, and I guess my picture is under country redneck too.  I am proud of my heritage.

Marg, I love your description of your teen years! It sounds like you had so much fun! My friends and I used to take the bus to the beach all the time. The beach is where we'd mostly hang out or the mall. (Actually, the beach is where they are also holding the reunion!) Most of us lived in a small suburban development that was on the outskirts of the larger city, so we had many people come and go. But, I've stayed in touch with a core group of friends from those days. Part of me wants to go just to revisit with many of the kids I attended classes with from elementary school on up, but not many are widowed yet. There are a few who are divorced, but in my present crowd, I think I'm one of the few widows. There may be one other woman who unfortunately was widowed at a young age, but that's about it. We have had friends who have passed already and that was upsetting enough. I'm still considering maybe going, The event isn't cheap to attend for one night, but I can always crash it! Haha! 

Please don't knock the RV! Paul and I talked once about buying one and traveling around rtes country in it. Of course, it came down to the issue: what are we going to do with the four cats who don't get along? So, we nixed the idea. There have been many moments since Paul's passing that I would have loved to just sell everything, buy myself an Airstream and hit the road. Run away. But, again---I still have the same four cats.  Hugs right back to you! 

[scba]

Terri, it is totally understandable, I don't think you are being selfish, you are thinking of how you are going to react, you are grieving and you don't want to add more. It is natural, from my view. 

My boyfriend died 2 years ago. We should be married by now, we were going to start planning in 2015. I know it is just a day and that we were married in our hearts, still.....

Being at a wedding means a cruel slap on my face. 

[DawnMarie]

Ftoggie4735

I just popped in to check on things and am in a hurry, so I apologize to all for the interruption.  I want to share something that relates to what you shared about your home. I hope it helps you in some positive way.

We had access and permission to the garage and back yards, where our things were packed and ready to be moved. Our truck broke down right in the alley at the driveway and James got called Friday to fill in for a friend and cover his jobs.. All of our things were left "unprotected" but....  I stayed with our friends wife while James worked.  I returned Home Sunday and met James there. He was exhausted, but relieved as he shared the great news that he worked out everything regarding the new place. In two days we'd be moving into a house. But by Wednesday he was gone. 

It wasn't 24 hours after he passed that the agent for the new owner of our home stopped by.  While we were at the hospital, they ASSUMED we abandoned the place.  She had already called animal control because our dogs were in the back yard.  I explained what was happening to the agent as well as animal control when she arrived, assured them we/I  hadn't abandoned anything. I was still completely in shock. I was BLESSED with 3 DAYS to  secure myself and our babies.  When they left, I realized things had were indeed missing. Not suprising in the neighborhood, as it had gotten bad the last 2 years. 

I was so lost, I didn't want to be there, but didn't want to leave. I didn't care about the things there or the things missing. (Most of it was in storage) I just wanted to lay down and die.   Friday, I managed to get the rest of our stuff to strange. His "friend" offered me a place to stay, without our dogs. I couldn't lose any thing else. I just couldn.  But I was forced to walk away from what was our home, our life, for the last 5 years.  On foot, with 2 dogs on a leash, with no idea which direction to go, I looked back at the house, had no time for memories, as i said goodbye.  

I hope you can find the blessings.  I know first hand how hard it is in our grief.  

In the last two weeks, my life has made a complete torn around, not so much in day to day things, but in the way I SEE things.

I REJOICE in knowing James is in the kingdom of heaven, on the right hand of God.  I REJOICE that there's an eternal life, through Jesus Christ, because our vows were.......  as long as we both shall live.

 

I hope I helped at least one person

[TerriL]

It has to be so rough when you lose so much more than just your loved one all at once. I can't even imagine what that is like. I feel very lucky to have our home still, even if I'm constantly hit with "reminders" and memories. Memories of Paul are all I have now, so I try to focus on the good ones. 

[TerriL]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Terri, it is totally understandable, I don't think you are being selfish, you are thinking of how you are going to react, you are grieving and you don't want to add more. It is natural, from my view. 

My boyfriend died 2 years ago. We should be married by now, we were going to start planning in 2015. I know it is just a day and that we were married in our hearts, still.....

Being at a wedding means a cruel slap on my face. 

Ana, I'm so sorry you didn't get the marriage of your dreams with the man of your dreams. But, as you said, you WERE connected to each other. The only thing you didn't have was a piece of paper saying that. It doesn't change what you DID have. Paul and I dated for a year and then moved in together and lived that way for nine years before we finally married in 1992. I felt like we were married long before we actually did it for real. It's how you feel about each other that makes it a marriage. 

I'm really wrestling with the whole wedding situation. How do you convey to two happy, excited 27 year olds with their whole futures still ahead of them that the event I've dreamed of attending since she was a little girl would, on one hand, be one of the happiest moments I've witnessed and yet, on the other hand, trigger so much pain and grief. What I don't want is for my grief to RUIN her big day! How embarrassing would it be for me if I suddenly burst into tears or had to leave the room? I have a feeling she may want me to sit with her family, because she considers Paul and me her second set of parents. How do I ask if I may please sit in the back row so if I'm feeling upset, I can quietly slip out to get fresh air? Oh, wait. The ceremony itself is going to be outside and the reception is indoors. So, I'd have to slip INSIDE to get stale air. Haha! All I can hope for is that I'll feel better as the event draws closer so that maybe my perspective will have shifted a bit. 

[kayc]

Ana,

I think you should create a marriage certificate, something symbolic that represents what the two of you would have done had you been able to.  I used to have one that I typed in on the computer in calligraphy, but I just looked and it's useless now, too many upgrades and changes over the years.   Maybe start by copying one and cut and paste your names in on it...frame it.  I'm sorry that day seemed ruined for you, yet as you say, it happened in your hearts all the same.

[scba]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Ana,

I think you should create a marriage certificate, something symbolic that represents what the two of you would have done had you been able to.  I used to have one that I typed in on the computer in calligraphy, but I just looked and it's useless now many upgrades anges over the years.   Maybe start by copying one and cut and paste your names in on it...frame it.  I'm sorry that day seemed ruined for you, yet as you say, it happened in your hearts all the same.

I plan to order a ring with our initials once I can start saving some money.   I like very much the idea of the certificate!!! I never thought of it. 

[DawnMarie]

Terri

It is and it was, however, the materialistic things can be replaced, eventually. 

My husband's life, was, in my eyes, priceless. 

I don't know if my profile tells where live, or any of the informational data, but I could care less at this point anyway.  

And now I'm SHOUTING OUT to my grief support family.  I don't know how to manipulate this site yet. All I have is a stupid smartphone, so I DON'T know if I'm in the right spot... But need help. My anxiety is beyond control.... HELP ... Please

[Gwenivere]

What do you need help with, Dawn?  Could you be more specific?

[DawnMarie]

I just got my husband's death certificate today. And, well, I'm going through it right now, BAD.  This COUNTY is the WORST nightmare to be in. 

[DawnMarie]

I know it's just another step in the process, but I can't believe the way this county, together with A PRIVATE HOSPITAL is DEVALUING HUMAN LIFE THAT THEY HAVE MY HUSBAND.

 

[DawnMarie]

A hospital of "Dignity Health" formed by a religious entity to help heal and preserve life here.  GOD how it's changed 

 

[mittam99]

Dawn, getting a death certificate is traumatic, no doubt. I feel your anguish and your anger. May, I suggest something? And it's just a thought.

I know you have issues with your county that run deep and it's totally understandable. But in this  moment, try not to think about the county or that hospital. Think about the love you and your husband  shared. The kind of man he was. Don't let your anger toward the county and hospital completely consume you in your journey, ok? Leave that for another day if you can. You need to try to rest and take care of you and your emotional well being right now.

Hugs.

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Dawn, getting a death certificate is traumatic, no doubt. I feel your anguish and your anger...

That is sure the truth! For some reason I had a bizarre belief that once I got hold of the death certificate I would feel relieved-like I could start getting some things done. Like I was trying to get some life insurance money loose so I could get some money to my sister because it was going to be foreclosed upon. But when I saw that piece of paper, it was devastating...I couldn't stop crying and felt like there was a cement truck on my chest that was keeping me from breathing. It was even worse than when I got his ashes. I thought then that it would be good to have some piece of him back. It was not. But it wasn't as bad as getting the death certificate...that was truly awful.

[TerriL]

The day I had to go pick up Paul's ashes and death certificates was beyond difficult. I had been dreading it. My goddaughter, who had flown down to stay with me for several days after he died, went with me and she's the one who carried his urn out to the car. I was fighting the tears as I watched her. All I could think of was how many times Paul had carried her in his arms or on his shoulders when she was a little girl and now, here she was, carrying him in her arms, back home for the last time. The funeral home people were trying to tell me about how they gave me so many copies of the death certificate so I could take care of legal matters and all this, but once you see the urn and have those papers in your hands, anything else they're saying sounds like the adults in the Peanuts cartoons on TV: "Wah, wah, wah....wah, wah..." This is why, if it's at all possible, you need to take someone with you in these situations. You need someone who will hear everything that's being said and remember it for you, because it feels like you're walking through a dream state. Or, more appropriately, a nightmare state. 

Dawn, the only help I can give you is to let you know that your anger is normal, especially under the circumstances. I was angry at the Universe in the first months after Paul passed away. I was in shock, I was having trouble processing it all due to Paul's passing being so sudden and totally unexpected. It was overwhelming. I lashed out at people who I felt were disrespecting Paul or me, as his wife. Some people who may have meant well got caught in my crossfire. I apologized to anyone who did and some have forgiven me, some I haven't heard from again. That's life. It also tells me who was genuinely thinking about Paul and me and who wasn't. Obviously, some people were more concerned with their own egos. Each grief experience is different. Some people will have lots of help and others, like myself, will find themselves pretty much going it all alone. For the most part, anyway. I've had the occasional help here and there from a few family members and good friends. I wish I could tell you there was a magic pill you could take to make the anger and grief go away, but there isn't. I felt worse by the third month after my husband died than I did at the very beginning. That's when I got scared, began searching for online forums and landed here. The help I received was in the form of being surrounded by others going through the same thing. They understood me and I didn't have to apologize or explain myself, as I was always having to do with family and friends who were totally clueless and just thought I needed to "move forward" and "get things done". That kind of attitude will leave you feeling more alone than ever. Here, you can express yourself openly, knowing people will listen and empathize with you. If you want specific help for a specific legal problem, the only advice I can give is to maybe start your own thread with the topic of "Legal Help Needed" or "Seeking Legal Advice". That may attract people on here who have experience or knowledge of that sort of thing. If you feel you need actual therapy for anxiety, then you may want to look for a free support or counseling group at your church or hospital. Some clergy counsel their parishioners and you said you recently discovered a church not far from you. Maybe they could offer you some one on one help if you feel you need more than just an online forum. You should also read some of the articles and resources provided on this site to help you understand your feelings better. I honestly feel for you because, of course, I KNOW that pain and anger where you want to just scream and rip things apart. But, as Gwen had said, you need to be more specific as to exactly what sort of help you're expecting.