If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

I haven't turned the t.v. on yet but my sister told me about Orlando, that's horrible!  Sometimes I think with media/communication being like it is, it can overload us.  

Terri, your analogy reminds me of the one I've always used (pressure cooker's release valve), it holds true for us, for sure!

Marg, the person you need to be there for most is YOU.  You matter!  And I'm glad you realize that and know you have to live if you want to be there for your granddaughter.

 

[kayc]

That book (Emotional Blackmail) saved my mom & my relationship because otherwise I might have cut her off totally, but it helped me learn how to handle her, some people are a real challenge.  I'm glad I was able to continue a relationship with her up until her death because I do love her, so that book really helped me!

George, I had a book by Dave Ramsey once, good for you!  I don't owe anything except my mortgage and when it's paid off I think I'll have a mortgage burning party!  That was in Dear Abby the other day, but I think since I'll be old, no one will be offput by my celebrating.   Besides, who doesn't like free cake!

[kayc]

Gwen,

I totally get that, you are at capacity for dealing with death/loss/grief, you don't need more from strangers.  I'm sure you'll have empathy again someday, but if it's not any time soon, know it's normal, like your counselor said, under the circumstances.

[TerriL]

George, thank you very much! I will definitely check that web site. I'm trying to educate myself as I go along, but with my colander brain, I sometimes have to return to re-read information. So, it might take me a few tries but I hope I will figure it all out eventually. I'll also look into that book----I'm reading The Tender Scar right now and still love to read those daily grief affirmations. All those resources have really helped give me comfort.

Gwen and Joyce, if it's any consolation, I do often feel numb when I watch the news or read the paper. I can still get upset, especially when something has happened to children or animals, but I only have so much room for pain and my own pain takes precedence. I have an 89 year old friend who calls me every single day and half the time she's crying or hysterical over her 60 year old alcoholic son that she makes excuses for. I feel for her and she claims I always manage to calm her down, but I can't help but marvel how I'm the one who lost my husband and she's dumping all her problems on me. She called one night around ten o'clock and I just let it go to voicemail. I was just going to bed and Ithought, "No. I can't do this now." Like you all said, it isn't that I don't care, it's that I have my own pain to deal with and have to know when to say "when". If it was someone a lot younger, I would have simply asked them to quit calling. But, I don't know what it feels like to be 89 and lonely, so I listen to her and try to be her voice of reason. I'm sure I'd want someone to do that for me. Heck, that's why I'm here! To talk and to listen. I have often said I would like to see 89 or even beyond. My goal is to get my face on a Smucker's jar. I want to be grape jelly. Haha! (Today Show viewers will get that one!) 

[TerriL]

Kay,

I like free cake.

[Gwenivere]

It is a hard call, Terri.  But we do have to make it at times for our own well being.  I have someone that talks to me about her job and problems in her marriage and there are times I have to pull the plug and give her generic replies.  Fortunately, it is not an everyday thing.  

We do,all understand loneliness, more so than we ever did.  and we want to be as compassionate as possible or like we were before we were slammed into another world.  

I think we have to give ourselves credit for anything we can give others at this time.  Amazingly, we do more than we realize.

[kayc]

There's nothing worse than hearing someone complain about their husband when you'd give anything to have yours back.

[kayc]

Terri,

I think it's horrible how your BIL is treating you but you are handling it very well, I applaud you!

[TerriL]

Thank you, Kay! The biggest problem for me is having to combat the physical symptoms that begin manifesting after having regular contact with my BIL. I have an autoimmune condition and it's hard to tell whether I'm having a flare or if my muscle and joint pain are being caused by tension. I experience constant tension when I know my next encounter with him is right around the corner and my body is bracing itself. (Talk about a toxic person!) I'm not even aware of it sometimes until I begin hurting. Maybe it's my imagination, but I get the feeling he wants me to end up having to depend on him the way I depended on Paul and I am making every effort to avoid that sort of situation. It's like this never-ending power struggle. When he sat on that couch, looked at my finances and said he was "proud" of me, all I could think was "would he say that to one of his male friends that had asked for financial advice?". No. Right after Paul had passed and my BIL was supposed to be "helping" me, he looked over how Paul had handled the finances and said, "I"m impressed." Not "I'm proud of him". Not only that, but reading what I just wrote makes me cringe, "I"m impressed"??? Who the hell does he think he is? Oh, if you have my BIL's approval, your life is complete! What more could you p[ossibly want? Pfffttt! 

Now I'm beginning to think about this some more. I initially asked for BIL's help with safely investing my money because he has always been very good with finances. I needed to talk to someone that I felt might have my best interests at heart. But, if he's always seeing me as his wife's "little sister" and can't treat me like an adult on an equal level, perhaps it would be better for me to seek financial advice from someone who doesn't know me personally. Guess who is the only person who can make this choice? :::sigh::: Haha! 

[scba]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

There's nothing worse than hearing someone complain about their husband when you'd give anything to have yours back.

I agree. I would like to add what I thought yesterday when listening to some friends conversation: , there is nothing worse too than hearing someone talk about being in a couple but keep being independent and keep some aspects of their life out of a relationship, when I'd give anything to have my dependency of him and my relationship back.

I'm not implying what is wrong or right in a couple.

[Cookie]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

There's nothing worse than hearing someone complain about their husband when you'd give anything to have yours back.

I agree!

 

[kayc]

Terri, However our body chooses to flare up when we encounter stress, it's bound to do so in situations like you're going through.  It might be worth it to pay a financial planner rather than deal with his condescension.  Who cares what his opinion is of your decisions, what matters is that YOU make the best decisions you can...with or without his help.  With some people, to ask their opinion or even have a conversation with them invites stress.  My mom was like that, she wasn't condescending but she was overbearing, controlling, and a religious fanatic to the umpth degree, very hard to tolerate being around (until she got dementia and forgot all that).  Reading Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail both helped me tremendously in learning how to deal with her, setting boundaries and not letting her get to me.  Letting HER have the consequences of her choices and actions and stepping out of it.  They don't just apply to parental situations but to anyone you have to deal with, the principles are the same.

[mittam99]

Let's face it, we all wish we had our old lives back. We were with the person that made us complete and simply made life so much better. Somehow, some way, we need to move forward on our own. And it's a difficult task. 

Some things help us on our journey, some things hold us back. One thing that helps is hope. If you can't see any possibility of life getting better, it's hard to move forward. Jealousy is another feeling that doesn't help and certainly not when you're grieving. Sure it's painful to see other couples together, and you long for the relationship you had, but, (unfortunately) our loved ones aren't coming back. Jealousy or anger towards other couples only reinforces our feeling of emptiness. It's just not healthy, IMO.

We need to concentrate on ourselves and try to find the positives, even though they are so few and far between. The world around us still goes on, even though, to us, it feels like the world should have stopped.

Yes, this new life sucks but sometimes I think the main thing holding us back from progressing is ourselves, and believe me, I know this first hand. 

[TerriL]

Yes, I'm with you, Mitch, and everyone else. What I want more than anything is to just have Paul back again, healthy, and to have my old life with him back, too. But, as Mitch said, (and you put it so well, Mitch), that desire is futile because it isn't going to happen no matter how much energy I invest in it. So, I'm trying to look for the next thing in line that I would want and that's to be able, for the first time ever, to discover who I am---just me---without being someone's daughter, sister, wife, etc. I'm looking inward for strength rather than grasping outward to latch on to somebody else in desperation. Ironically, it's because of Paul and his deep love for me that I am fortunate enough to be able to do this. He took care of me and I did the same for him. I feel responsible now for carrying on that legacy of love that he left to me and not taking it for granted. I'm being very careful in trying to manage everything so as not to mess it all up. It seems so surreal still. I remember when Paul telling me I needed to know stuff "in case something happened to him" was just a conversation. Now, it's become reality, except it doesn't always seem real. 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Yes, this new life sucks but sometimes I think the main thing holding us back from progressing is ourselves, and believe me, I know this first hand. 

Mitch, that is all of our mantra's.  "The main thing holding us back from progressing is ourselves."  Don't we hate to admit that?  I cannot say I have given up on my pity parties.  I do them mostly on my way to take care of mama.  I am by myself in the truck, I cry and say "What can I do Billy, I don't know how to do anything."  I cry a few seconds and then I say "Stupid woman, Billy cannot help you, but if he could he would."  It is up to me.  I don't like it.  What does that country song say??  "I don't like it but it sometimes happens that way." 

[Margm]

And "WW" we have got this.  After they load those Depends on us, it might slow us down but WW and SW will keep on flying.

[Margm]

Don't expect you all to read my Paths post, but you gotta see the picture posted.

[TerriL]

And every so often, SW, my headband falls down over my eyes! Haha! Don't worry about having the strength to fly. I'll pick you up in my invisible plane.  I love that picture and the message, too. It is a lot like being on a strange path. Like Hansel and Gretel turning around to look back and realizing all the crumbs were eaten up by those danged birds, the only thing you can do is keep walking on, alone, and do what you can to avoid those candy houses. 

 

[Gwenivere]

The Hansel and Gretal analogy is great, Terri.  And the witch is grief.  And a nasty one indeed.

[DawnMarie]

Hello everyone.  I have finally turned on the laptop and am still needing to learn the ins and outs of the forum, but I really kind of need some support.

Yesterday was our 5th anniversary.  I was numb all day and attempted to stay busy.  I went to church and had lunch with the ladies.  But I was just so empty and numb.  Thats the best way to describe it.  I came home and tried to keep myself busy and not dwell on the fact that we were going to renew our vows.  

I stayed up until I finally knocked out which was way after midnight.  Today I couldn't get out of bed.  I slept until 2 and here it is 9 and I am so damn depressed I cant stand myself.  I just want to cry.

[mittam99]

Dawn, those "milestone" dates like anniversaries and birthdays are extra challenging. It's just another painful reminder of not only our loved one's death, but of the loss of the future that we had planned together. That happy world that we were living in (and thought would be for always) was suddenly and permanently taken from us.

Empty and numb as you mentioned is pretty much the norm in grief. I guess the opposite would be fulfilled and lively and it takes a long time to get there. How long? I have no idea. After 15 months, it still feels empty to me.

This life we never wanted is hard. So hard that we wonder how on earth we will ever find comfort or a sense of happiness. It's all baby steps. And just when you have an "OK" day a grief wave hits and you're rocked to your core with anguish and you feel like you've taken two steps back.

It takes time. A lot of it. You need to be gentle with yourself and you need to take care of yourself, body and mind. You need to try to surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. And it's all easier said than done.

I think it will help to not only post here often but to read what others have written. This forum is a wonderful resource filled with stories of love and the pain of grieving and importantly, hope. You gotta have hope.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day for you and for all of us. Grief truly is a day to day, moment to moment world.

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry, Dawn.  It was a very tough day for you.  It makes sense you would be so much emotional turmoil.  They say the harder we try not to think about something, the more we will.  And this was something very important you planned in your life together.  I hope you get some footing back.  

[rdownes]

I really like the quote it hits home it is just so hard to picture a path without him now.

[TerriL]

Dawn, I was that way by the third month after my husband passed away. It's what brought me to this forum, because I was scared. My sleeping patterns were so messed up, I'd spend the entire day in my pajamas and I'd alternate between being angry at the world and crying inconsolably. It didn't help that January 25 was also the 34th anniversary of our first date. We celebrated that date, too, because it was after that night we both realized we had something special. Paul and I had been considering renewing our vows on our Silver Anniversary, which would have been in March 2017. I knew there was a chance we might not make it to a 50th, but thought certain that we'd see our 25th. As it turned out, we didn't even see our 24th anniversary together. So many things we had planned and none will happen now. One thing that has helped me is journaling. I started writing a journal back in January and just poured out all my anger, frustration, grief and misery into that thing. I didn't care if I sounded like a raving lunatic. No one else is going to see it anyway. It's for YOU alone. It may be something you'd want to try or maybe not. What helps one person might not be another person's "cup of tea". This forum has been a tremendous help for me. When I read the posts from people I didn't even know, yet who wrote things that could have come directly from me, I felt understood for the first time since Paul died. 

I do wish you well and hope you find something that brings you comfort. 

[TerriL]

3 hours ago, rdownes said:

I really like the quote it hits home it is just so hard to picture a path without him now.

I know what you mean, rdownes. It's difficult to even imagine any kind of future without my husband. We had plans, but they were for both of us as a couple. It wouldn't be the same if I attempted any of them alone.