If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

4 hours ago, brat#2 said:

It troubles me that I have lost myself in all of this and I don't know how to find me again. 

My friend again "Now you will get to find yourself."  Irritated the hell out of me.  Billy was the one missing, I knew right where I was and moving any which way was painful.  I sure am not that teenager that got married or the mother or the grandmother or the great grandmother, sister or daughter.  Myself.  Does not sound like someone I want to know.  Maybe if I live long enough I might meet her somewhere along the way.  Not a very interesting character really.

[DawnMarie]

 Marge, I'm sorry I let myself get distracted and go into the details.  I didn't want to cause heartache in anyone, I know there's enough here already and I should stick to words of encouragement.  I don't know the circumstances in your situation, and tho I'd like to know, I don't want to cause you harm.  I know not everyone's situation is exactly the same, that also runs true for me.  I'm sure you can imagine what it was like for me the first couple weeks.  Adding insult to injury, my 'family' was very unsupportive. (That's not surprising after 46 years) I felt abandoned and neglected as well.   As if that's not enough, with the intention of filing a formal complaint against the nurse, after I hadn't received the call I was told by the SOCIAL worker I would when I was trying to get someone anyone to listen and hear me, help him, and damn it!!!!  fix this!!!!!

I called the hospital and spoke to some department I can't remember and was suprised when I got an admitted fact they misdiagnosed him from the beginning. I would be hearing from risk management.  Thank God for Google.  When I finally did get that call, I felt the lady out and asked questions and the red flags in the answers sparked my fire to seek an attorney. Out of town of course. Now, mind you, we were moving and James had just negotiated doing work for partial rent and was to finalize things on Tuesday I think, but died, leaving me homeless with two dogs. I wasn't about to lose them too.  The good Lord and our Christian family down south helped me survive and the beginning of week three the attorney I contacted informed me they were not going to assist. Discouraged, I lost hope. I read the letter I received from them a couple days later, and the stress that was placed on my need to continue to seek, as time is important, I attempted one more time. That's when I discussed the situation with another person. After she discussed it with the firm, still not accepting or denying a case  they needed  to see his medical file. So, I called the hospital and got the info. Upon arrival, it hit me like a tsunami that I wasn't prepared for. Collecting myself I asked for directions to records and the information I received was another red flag. I found the building, and asked for his records/file. They gave me copies of pertinent info that were only about an inch think. It would take 15 days for the entire file and I ordered it, marking every single option. Reading through the report was MURDEROUS to myself. But I know now I had to. For the report from a dr who was not there when this happened, was a singed document that reports LIES. I'm not kidding.  He LIED THROUGH THE ENTIRE explanation. That the nurse walked in and found him unresponsive. How he intubated him and yet described in detail a TRACHEOTOMY, and I know for 1000% sure he had no tracheotomy. And not one single mention about the original cause of his being there , nor about the emergency surgery he just had undergone. No mention about the pulmonary embolism like they told me in ICU and how they could dissolve the clot but needed my permission. In an attempt to save his life, I agreed. Now I think I authorized the destruction of evidence. That's just the surface of what I have discovered, Uncovered, and have investigated so much I can't BELIEVE what I've learned. 

I've had friends tell me the same as you to get professionsl help to move on. I already suffer PTSD from three years earlier. And I was going insane. From Fighting with the hospital for NOT having the file on day 21, to almost having a nervous breakdown having to explain detail on paper,  and the the damaging info from risk management...

I don't want to stay silent about this. I don't want to give up fighting so that what I've discovered is stopped.  I don't wish to benefit off my husband's death, but I do want the benefit of knowing our children and grandchildren and their grandchildren are safe and that the federal government is assuring their laws are taken seriously.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

My friend again "Now you will get to find yourself."  Does not sound like someone I want to know.  Maybe if I live long enough I might meet her somewhere along the way.  Not a very interesting character really.

Don't say that!  If we weren't at least somewhat interesting, why would the people that we shared our life with have done so?  So we must have some qualities that at least one person found intriguing.  I read the posts and find out more and more how interesting all of us are.  

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I read the posts and find out more and more how interesting all of us are.  

Gwen, of course we are all interesting.  I find all of you equally interesting.  Sometimes I just skim things, then sometimes my "run-on" fingers get in gear and I just have to keep slapping them to make them shut up.  There are some people on here who have "no one" entirely and those people are the ones I wish I could share my vast family with.  I love my family, but (I think you and I are acquainted with Xanax), but yesterday my immediate family had me taking three of those suckers.  I'm "running as fast as I can" but it is not fast enough and sometimes one person cannot take care of three families.  We have always done it before and my one "person" in my life who hates people, who hates to socialize at all, who wants to be a hermit and to be left alone (except when she needs my help), well, I have to keep interrupting what I have to do here to run take care of things 350-400 miles round trip away.  I am close to being through up here, and without my son I would not be this close.  But, I have to run him off so he can have a life of his own or I will be doing to him exactly what my mom does to my sister.  And there is so much river running under that sentence, I cannot swim, so I won't get into it.  I have no idea who I am but the picture of the old comic books "plastic man" comes to mind.

DawnMarie, we all get on here to tell our "story."  Sometimes we get the help from other people to help us live another day when we do not want to go on at all.  And, I do not mean to "quash" your story.  We all have to get our story out in the open to heal.  And that is what this forum is all about, healing.  We discuss our problems, our health, everything we can discuss and we get different opinions from different views.  We make friends, friends that we wished we could go see and then you pull up a profile and find out they live in Chicago, Canada and Spain.  You realize your RVing days are over with but if they were not, you would love to go meet these new friends.  We have had people from South Africa and I think we had two separate individuals that seem to have disappeared.  One woman in Brussels, who I hope got her son and went to some other country.  In fact, you get friends that in the long run make you worry about someone besides yourself and your own situation.  

In the end, we are all running as fast as we can.  Myself, I won't go back and see myself when I joined about October 20th, three days after my husband's death.  I don't know where I got the mind to even look for this forum,  I am hoping Billy maybe led me to it because of the many times I told him I could not live without him.  His answers were always only "I know."  So, maybe he led me here so that I would live.  

[Margm]

Speaking at Hay Festival, he said: “I felt very lucky to have fallen in love at an early age. We were teenagers. We fell in love, not just in lust. A lot of teenagers fall in lust and then it doesn’t last. But we knew this thing was forever, for as long as we would be alive. That’s how strong the marriage was.” “We were married for 59 years, we knew each other since we were kids. It was fast, she had cancer.  (She passed away in April and this was his first public appearance).

I put this on the "going through hell" post because I can only imagine Tom Jones has gone through the hell we all go through.  He was a public figure and I remember reading a lot about him (I liked his music), but grief touches us all, rich, poor, well known, unknown.

I remember when my dad and I had cancer at the same time, I remember reading about cancer so much and just like death, no one is immune to any of it.  My heart goes out to Tom Jones, and to all of us on this forum.  (Myself included).  

[DawnMarie]

When I decided to come into the forum this morning, it was because I was looking over the last week.  I thought that I was making progress, and that was a positive emotion

I started to read the posts what were first on my screen, as I skimmed through thinking are they taking aboutt me?  Then read your message to me me Marge and I want to thank you. Thank you for sticking up for me. I haven't gotten anything closely related to that effect getting the public defenders office.

It takes allot of courage to come here. Chatting on a forum is new for me.. Not knowing anyone, afraid of being judged.   I've got enough toxic people around in my physical life, which brought me here to the internet world to begin with.  

This topic is going through hell. As we all are experiencing the same tragedy, I never dreamed that while one is gong through hell at the moment, someone elsr would be cruel enough to add fuel to the fire.  I thought this was where I could finally let go of a bunch of bottled up crap that causes other emotional conditions.  

If I have in any way, misunderstood, please let me know. Because I'm really bothered and I would rather ask for forgiveness for my mistake then feel like I do right now.

[Margm]

DawnMarie, if you have read this forum, read all the other threads besides this "going through hell" because that is what we are all doing.  Right now I am going through a hell that is of the legal kind also, and I cannot talk about it, not on here, not anywhere.  But, your legal problems are definitely "going through hell."  I think you will find a couple of other people on here who are "going through hell" with legal problems also.  

A little story:  When my father-in-law died, he was as poor as the proverbial church mouse.  Yet he had four children trying to divide up things that had no monetary significance whatsoever.  They were in the living room fussing, actually fussing over who wanted what that poor man owned.  He mowed the highways for his living, working for the state.  He got a skin cancer from being in the sun all day that went unnoticed until it eroded into a vital part of his body and spread.  He was not retired yet.  My husband listened to all their fussing and said "I got all from my dad I could ever want."  They jumped on him wanting to know what special thing he had obtained.  Billy said "I had his love."  They all shut-up instantly.

My grandmother, a little country woman who had her small crossroads country store, she had land, she had even saved enough money to leave each of six surviving children and household items too.  She had this legalized, but it was written on a "Big Chief" tablet of paper, written in a #2 pencil.  She left each one land and money and she assigned parts of this little country house, (the floors had come from the gymnasium of the public high school when it was torn down), the wind would blow through the boards in the walls, a poor old house that had raised a huge family of kids that grew up into grasping, fussing family.  She had one sentence in her will that she wrote.  "Please do not fuss."  Now, she knew this family, she knew they would all fuss until the last one lived (my mom).  Nothing was drug through the courts though.  

But the legal system is brought into the deaths of our loved ones.  Different states treat it different.  I have tried to save out enough money to pay for my mom's succession, but I think the family is going to make it where I cannot do that.  In Louisiana you have a succession, something for lawyers to make money off of poor people.  

I wish you well with your  legal issues.  I hope families that are torn apart by legal issues after death can come together.  I hope that if the deaths were caused by neglect that satisfaction can be found from the courts.  

In the end though, what we have lost is gone.  Satisfaction might be gained from the courts, families may be torn asunder, but we have to go through life without that person we loved more than our own life.

Unless you can be like my MIL and at my FIL's funeral, she made a date with the undertaker.  Life is strange.  People are strange.  Politics are ridiculous.  Religion is something we have to have faith in.  

And, this forum is where you can tell your story.  And, there are people who have a lot more sense than this old redneck country woman.  

[TerriL]

The only reason I might not comment if someone is talking a legal issue (especially one of a very serious nature) is only due to my not having had any personal experience with it myself. I would never offer advice of any sort if I have no clue what I'm talking about. That could actually hurt rather than help someone and that isn't my intention. After the months of experience I've had on this forum now, I honestly do not believe that anyone would deliberately "add fuel" to anyone's "fire". We're all in the same boat here, even if our particular circumstances are not all the same. None of us wants to be here. We all wish we were back with our husbands and wives, alive and well, living our everyday, normal existences. I don't need fancy trips, I don't need expensive jewelry----what would make me happiest in the world right now is a simple trip to the grocery store with Paul. Talk about winning the lottery. That would make me feel like a billionaire. 

Dawn, I will hold on to the dream of someday finding another place to live. Thank you for the encouragement. It's only been 7 months since my husband passed away and I need to make sure my finances would be able to support me in a new location. That's my main hesitation making any decisions too quickly. As everyone has said, right now, I don't even know who I am anymore or what kind of future I can see for myself. I don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. One of my favorite shows is Outlander. It's my escape from my every day existence. Paul was still alive when the first season aired. They re-aired the first season not long after his death and for the first time, I heard the theme song in a whole new light. That song feels personal now. "Sing me a song of a lass that is gone, say could that lass be I..." And it is. The woman I was before he died is no longer the woman I am now. The hard part is the friends or family who expect me to still be the same. It's like putting on a performance and it's uncomfortable. 

[Margm]

Just one more thing, and I hesitate to say this, but I really think that a lot of us on here think our mate was treated wrong.  I retired from two hospitals.  I have to pass by the one in Hot Springs that my Billy passed away in.  I know some things were done wrong.  I know they hastened his death.  But the outcome in  his death was beyond medical help.  Now, having worked in the medical field for over 40 years, I do know secrets.  One time the chief resident in surgery cut a vital part of an organ that made transplant immediately necessary.  Lawsuit in the making.  I wondered where they got a transplant so fast and figured (knowing the head of the surgery department, a neighbor on the lake where we lived), I probably figured he took the chief resident's liver and transplanted it.  Mistakes happen.  Lawsuits happen.  In the department I worked in at one time there was a bookcase of lawsuits.  My job was to type, not to report, not to investigate, but I typed a lot of "lawsuits" in the making.  I do not know how any of them came out.  I wish you well.  I hope you get satisfaction.  I never filed a lawsuit in Billy's death, but I do know things that happened in the ER hastened something that was going to happen anyhow.  And, before I leave this state, I will go talk to the CEO.  I will write it all up beforehand and have him read it in my presence.  It won't bring back Billy.  But, if in some small way, even one very  tiny way, if it improves how the ER treats patients, it will be worth something.  Again, I wish you well.  I hope you get satisfaction.  

[Polly]

ohhhhh how I know about the legal stuff. Dealing with a lot of that right now. Not only Rich's stuff but also Rich's uncle's stuff. His uncle didn't have a wife or children so the farm and everything went to the nieces and nephews. I hate how Rich's brothers and sisters are acting. Well the greedy ones. It is a nightmare and now that Rich is gone, I'm kind of stuck in the middle of all of this. Worst part is that the greedy ones live on both sides of me. Death sometimes brings out the worst in people. or maybe it just shows their true colors. IDK. I just don't like it.

[Clematis]

It sure does...my sisters didn't care about my dad or me. Now that he is gone it is very apparent that they were being nice to me while he was alive to encourage him to direct money towards them, and now that he is gone, they have alternated between being nasty to me or ignoring me (the executor). Basically they want me to hurry it up so they can get their part and as soon as possible. One sister demanded that I give her the family banjo, which he had given me eight years, and my younger sister protested her share of his life insurance being smaller than the other two parts, which he decided 9 years ago after she spirited over $100K out of his pocket over a house she got him to buy for her. I didn't even know he had life insurance but she did. How is that my fault? They both demanded to know what happened to the money that he got from selling his house in PA before moving to AZ. How would I know...it's not like it's sitting in my bank account. He lived for 11 years with Parkinson's disease on a fixed income...

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 My husband listened to all their fussing and said "I got all from my dad I could ever want."  They jumped on him wanting to know what special thing he had obtained.  Billy said "I had his love."  They all shut-up instantly.

 

I love this! It was true for me as well with my dad...

[Froggie4635]

I guess in many respects I have gotten through this loss mostly unscathed legal-wise.  There are no children and the only assets we shared were the house and the car.  The car has been titled to me as the surviving spouse; the house still has his name on the deed. I have had the struggle of losing half my income, but still have the same bills, plus now I have to buy groceries and pay for the car, gas, insurance...I had some bills of Mark's that I had to take care of.  Been thinking about re-financing the house; been in it 6 years this September.  There are items that were Mark's that I have offered to his siblings; no one is in a hurry to claim them.  The only thing that I really fret over is that Mark's piano is at his mom's house....he lived there before we were married.  My issues I guess arise when something needs taken care of at the house...cutting the grass, the garage doors will not go up, the fence needs some work.  When we bought the house, I had no worry about things being taken care of...Mark could do it all.  Now I look around the house and even if I wanted to make changes to anything, I don't have the will or the heart.  It is just not the same without him there to be a part of it.  It was OUR home; now it is only MY home.  I still love it.  Knew it was the right place the moment we walked through the door.  But something is missing...there is NO HEART anymore.  

[DawnMarie]

I need to go back and read all the opinions and thoughts about legal issues. See, I need some advice on something and I'm afraid to until i read all these. 

Terri, your welcome.  I was sharing with you what  was being showin to me.

I understand COMPLETELY about being financially secure.  We intentionally let our house go back to the bank, we just weren't expecting it in to sell in January nor to be evicted  on March 1 st.  Since we were offered to rent it. No, we had no notice, despite what is filed at the court house. 

James has been the provider for 5 years due partially to me being hurt at work, then majority because of what caused my PTSD, and attempted suicide.  Long story short, James died before the contract was signed at the new place.  I became a widow in shock, homeless, and completely broke. 

Moral of the story, I'm still standing, God provided a roof over my head, and I'm surviving. I'm by no means financially stable much less secure, but if your financial situation is about to change by reducing monthly, you've already been blessed with the ability to see ahead and find your solution.  

I know exactly what is on your mind which is blocking your vision. 

We were still staying at our house. We had permission to access the garage and the back yard.  When I left the hospital when I assume it was over, I was like a zombie. I slept that night at a friends. In the morning i awoke to hearing that my truck was being towed from the alley of our driveway.  Less  then 12 hours after he diedI.  i couldn't think. I begged the cop to have mercy on me when I called the police.  Nope, revenue.  It was days before I realized the motor to our son's car, camping gear, tool box + Was in the back of the truck.  I lost everything in my grieving. 

I spent the next two days, my soul like an open bleeding wound, lost. I managed to get the rest of our things to storage and on Sat. day three, I placed the leashes on our surviving babies and walked away from our home, our life together, alone.  

We all are going through the same thing, with different experiences. Don't let the fear or pain or whatever, be your chain of bondage. Holding on isn't going to keep your memories, and letting go isn't going to make you forget him.  

Most important, don't let an opportunity go by because of that chain. 

 

[TerriL]

Marg, you're so right. I know I also feel as if Paul was misdiagnosed and time was wasted in getting him to a hospital, where his life might have been saved. That retina specialist automatically jumped to the conclusion of "temporal arteritis" instead of considering the other possibility that my husband had had a small stroke, which had robbed him of the vision in his good eye (which was the correct diagnosis). We wasted an entire extra day because the doctor sent my husband to another eye doctor in Miami, of all places. I considered hiring a lawyer to sue for medical negligence, but then realized that I'd only be putting myself through more hell, it wouldn't bring Paul back and the fact of the matter is, I had wanted to take Paul to the ER two days before, when he woke up with the loss of vision and I couldn't convince him to go. I have no way of knowing now whether or not it would have prevented the second, major stroke that finally caused his death and no way of knowing whether his eye sight could have been restored to him. It's like the fork in the road. You have to make the choice in the moment and you never get to know what the other road would have been like. 

And you think relatives can be bad? Years ago, I had a neighbor who would ingratiate herself to elderly people who were lonely and didn't see much of their own families. One elderly woman on our street never had kids and she would take this woman places with her kids in tow and had the kids calling the elderly woman "Grandma". OMG...I'm shaking my head just remembering all this. Well, the woman eventually passed away. It was about five months later and I get a call one evening from the neighbor. She's griping to me because when the will was read, there was nothing left to HER. She thought the family members were holding out on her. I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing and just told her that she should be happy with the things the woman bought for her and her children while she was still alive and enjoy her "memories", (even if they WERE a means to an end). Oh and I also added that you should only do things for people because you want to and not because you expect something in return. That way, you will never be disappointed. 

[TerriL]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

I guess in many respects I have gotten through this loss mostly unscathed legal-wise.  There are no children and the only assets we shared were the house and the car.  The car has been titled to me as the surviving spouse; the house still has his name on the deed. I have had the struggle of losing half my income, but still have the same bills, plus now I have to buy groceries and pay for the car, gas, insurance...I had some bills of Mark's that I had to take care of.  Been thinking about re-financing the house; been in it 6 years this September.  There are items that were Mark's that I have offered to his siblings; no one is in a hurry to claim them.  The only thing that I really fret over is that Mark's piano is at his mom's house....he lived there before we were married.  My issues I guess arise when something needs taken care of at the house...cutting the grass, the garage doors will not go up, the fence needs some work.  When we bought the house, I had no worry about things being taken care of...Mark could do it all.  Now I look around the house and even if I wanted to make changes to anything, I don't have the will or the heart.  It is just not the same without him there to be a part of it.  It was OUR home; now it is only MY home.  I still love it.  Knew it was the right place the moment we walked through the door.  But something is missing...there is NO HEART anymore.  

Maryann, my situation was similar. Paul had the car and truck in his name and the deed to our home was only in his name,as well. We had spoken many times about needing to go and get my name also placed on there, but of course, we procrastinated too long. Do you have the homestead in your name? When there are no children, also the same for Paul and me, and there is no will, the spouse inherits everything, at least in my state. You'd need to check the probate statutes in your state of residence. But, you do need to file for Homestead so you will save on the property taxes. You and I have commiserated before about how our guys were so handy and now, so much lies around in need of repair. It's a constant reminder of our loss. I will say that my brother in law apologized to me for how he had been treating me since Paul died and he did come over to fix the light in my utility room. I had been doing laundry for weeks in half darkness because i couldn't get the fluorescent bulbs in the fixture correctly. I now have light! So, I was appreciative of that. But, you're right. My surroundings are the same as always, but without my husband, the heart and soul of the place has vanished. I still have a hard time saying "my money" or "my house". I still want everything to be "ours". I want there to BE an "ours", as a couple. I'm grateful for having a home, I truly am, but as you said, it isn't the same.

[TerriL]

1 hour ago, DawnMarie said:

I need to go back and read all the opinions and thoughts about legal issues. See, I need some advice on something and I'm afraid to until i read all these. 

Terri, your welcome.  I was sharing with you what  was being showin to me.

I understand COMPLETELY about being financially secure.  We intentionally let our house go back to the bank, we just weren't expecting it in to sell in January nor to be evicted  on March 1 st.  Since we were offered to rent it. No, we had no notice, despite what is filed at the court house. 

James has been the provider for 5 years due partially to me being hurt at work, then majority because of what caused my PTSD, and attempted suicide.  Long story short, James died before the contract was signed at the new place.  I became a widow in shock, homeless, and completely broke. 

Moral of the story, I'm still standing, God provided a roof over my head, and I'm surviving. I'm by no means financially stable much less secure, but if your financial situation is about to change by reducing monthly, you've already been blessed with the ability to see ahead and find your solution.  

I know exactly what is on your mind which is blocking your vision. 

We were still staying at our house. We had permission to access the garage and the back yard.  When I left the hospital when I assume it was over, I was like a zombie. I slept that night at a friends. In the morning i awoke to hearing that my truck was being towed from the alley of our driveway.  Less  then 12 hours after he diedI.  i couldn't think. I begged the cop to have mercy on me when I called the police.  Nope, revenue.  It was days before I realized the motor to our son's car, camping gear, tool box + Was in the back of the truck.  I lost everything in my grieving. 

I spent the next two days, my soul like an open bleeding wound, lost. I managed to get the rest of our things to storage and on Sat. day three, I placed the leashes on our surviving babies and walked away from our home, our life together, alone.  

We all are going through the same thing, with different experiences. Don't let the fear or pain or whatever, be your chain of bondage. Holding on isn't going to keep your memories, and letting go isn't going to make you forget him.  

Most important, don't let an opportunity go by because of that chain. 

 

Dawn, you really are dealing with such a huge amount on your plate right now. My heart goes out to you. With any luck, somewhere at some point I'll see an opportunity for myself. Everything I had planned for the future was just like everything for the past 34 years---it always had Paul being right by my side. I haven't been able to see myself anywhere or doing anything without him. I appreciate that you cared enough to share your experiences in order to help me. That's what this forum is all about really.  

[Froggie4635]

Terri,

Yes, I get a homestead exemption each year for the purpose of taxes.  Here is Texas, first and foremost, the surviving spouse retains ownership and inherits all possessions.  Mark had 5 brothers, and one brother in law makes it a point to come and take care of the yard. They all have families/children...and I don't expect to be a priority.  Mark was always the one someone would call if they needed help on something...his friends, his sisters, his aunt, his brothers, his mom.  If he wasn't doing, he was answering questions.  I am thankful to hear I am not alone when dealing with a house without a spouse.  I was so proud of him and all the things he did to help anyone who would ask.  Today we had a birthday lunch for a colleague.  The birthday girl was discussing the new house they were having built and the upcoming months of waiting for it to be finished.  It hurt my heart.  I did not want to begrudge her excitement, but it hurt that I didn't have that any longer.  I LOVE our house, but there is no one to be excited about projects or changes or improvements.  I know his spirit is here, and I am sure he is proud of all I have done and continue to do as I adjust to this new life without him.

[TerriL]

I have no doubt, as well, that Mark is proud of you and is watching over you more than you even realize. I feel that Paul has done the same for me. I think our husbands would have been good friends; they sound so similar. What gets me most is that Paul used to help the man at the end of our block all the time. This man owns hundreds of tools, yet knows nothing about how to actually use them. Since Paul's death, this man has not even offered to so much as wash and wax Paul's truck or my car, something he's always doing for people he's trying to impress at his church. All the things Paul did for him for free and not one offer of help. Those are the things that cut deep into me. It's hard to see and hear about others' normal lives continuing on. It only reminds us all over again what we no longer have. 

I'm glad Mark's brother at least helps with the lawn. I haven't even heard from my husband's brother and sister in law since I initially called after Paul passed. When I told his brother it was "Terri" his response was "Terri who?" I've only been with his brother 34 years. Try to do the right thing and that's what you get. Oh well, I did right by Paul and that's all that mattered. 

[mittam99]

Terri, sadly, so many people just don't comprehend how horrible and how difficult our new lives are. Often, those people happen to be family. The fact your brother in law said "Terri who?" boggles my mind. And now for some real irony. I text Tammy's sisters in Illinois from time to time. Her younger sister (her name ironically happens to be Terri) once told me (after I told her my life was empty and meaningless) that my work and hobbies could give meaning back to my life.

As if.

[Margm]

Mitch, just like with my friend telling me I was going to "find myself" now, her being a widow, she should have known.  People just don't know what to say.  My sister (who is the most unsocial thing I know of, asked me down to sit with my mom later in the month so she can go to a classmates meeting.  Actually, it is worth me going the nearly 400 mile round trip just to get her around people.  But, she was actually throwing it at me "socializing is so important."  I told her I thought socializing was very much overrated.  (This is someone who would not socialize for years, for no reason.)  The thing is, I believe when we are ready we will start socializing again.  That might be at one year, it might be at two, or it might be never.  One of these days I hope the concentrating of this grief stuff will start to heal.  All I want to do is read, just cannot concentrate for long.

[mittam99]

On the subject of people not knowing what to say (or saying something that is meant to soothe, but doesn't)...

This really resonated with me and I have the feeling it will resonate with every member here:

 

[kayc]

I'm catching up here after spending a couple of days working in the church office because it has air conditioning and we are hit with a heat wave!  Me and heat do not mix!

DawnMarie,

No one is here to judge you, not sure where that is coming from, I don't feel qualified to advise on legal issues, but I can say my heart really goes out to you with all you are going through!  I would think they'd have to let you have the contents to the truck back, but maybe that's me being naive.  So many things are done that aren't right, and I wish you the best in your efforts to fight it.  I'm glad you have a couple of friends there for you and your dogs, I am a huge dog person, my own has made all the difference in the world to me and I hope they bring you comfort and strength.

[scba]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

."  I told her I thought socializing was very much overrated.  

I totally agree! Mum keeps checking on me if I socialized at a meeting or At a get Together. I'm very calm type so I nodd and ask questions, but I reveal little from myself, I just stick to basic information on the surface. I'm a good listener. But somehow, probably because of therapy, I over analyze what people say when they speak, the intonation, body language. Ufffff.....

Now I don't care if I socialize or not "out there", I want to focus on myself.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I so relate to the OUR becoming MINE.  I noticed  when I talk to people I still say OUR.  This place will always be ours.  We choose it, made it ours and it will always be that way.  Amid all the memories, both good and bad, I cannot even think of leaving and having some strangers in OUR home changing things around.  The most I can hope for is living here again and it being a place I feel comfortable in without him and I am a LONG way from that.  Seeing his influence and happy it is here instead of ripping me up.  I even miss cleaning as I used to because his messes gave meaning to chores because it was for our home.  It makes the place feel too unlived in.  If it weren't for the dogs, I'd have so little to do.  I miss cooking and the need for all the supplied and dishes.  I get so tired every night trying to figure out what to eat....alone.

Terri, I cannot even imagine the pain of Pauls brother saying Terri who?  That's just cruel and indefensible.  I dint know why someone would do such a thing, but I can only hope there is done kinda karmic justice for that.