If You're Going Through Hell

[kayc]

To me it was a day like any other, full of hardship and shoveling, exhaustion and pain, I went to bed at 8, woke up at 3, no internet, again.  It's getting old.  Can't even look forward to summer anymore, last summer took that hope from me.

To me, 2022 signifies a HOPE for a better year, the bar is low after the last few so it needn't achieve much to make its goal!

 

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

It is what it is.

Oh Karen, can so relate. 

The memories of  a glass of  champagne and a kiss at midnight are such beautiful memories.  Keep those memories.   In my younger years I can remember some fun parties with our friends but as we grew older and the kids were gone we usually stayed home watching TV together.  The word  "together" made it special.   

I think I mentioned my sister in law had sent me a new sweatshirt with "ID EST QUOD ID EST" printed on front. (translation:  "it is what it is").  I am thinking about  getting one for every day of the week and call it my uniform.  😁

I got involved into 3 movies.  I think I have figured out how to select free movies on my comcast service.  I couldn't even tell you which movies they were but they kept my mind off of being alone and drowned out the fireworks at midnight.  Take care,  and a Happier 2022 !   

P.S.  Sorry, don't know how to get rid of italic font.  I think I must have started typing with my cursor in the wrong place.  Dee

[nashreed]

I don't have a whole lot of hope for the new year, but you never know. I am starting to see a chiropractor after almost two years, so hopefully I will be in better shape to handle what life throws at me. 

I was in bed by 9. Took a huge slug of Green Death NyQuil and slept through most of the explosions. I did wake up at a little after midnight because it must have been that bad, but fell back to sleep soon after. I consider that victory! 

[Widow2015]

6 hours ago, scba said:

I spend NY with my aging parents because I appreciate to have them for another year. I help my brother to prepare dinner. And that's were NYE ends to me. 

Ana:  You are a good daughter to spend time with your aging parents.  As we know, we just don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I know they appreciate your being close and are proud they raised a loving daughter.  Hugs and peace to you in the New Year.  Dee

[Margm]

Ana, I am so proud of you.  You are a good daughter and sister.

[Gwenivere]

Dee, I have options on my iPad keyboard that only show up on this site with a bold B, an italic I and underlined U.  When I touch it it makes the font that choice.  So I can go bold, italic or underlined.  When I un blue them it goes back to normal.  They don’t show up in mail or my web browsers so they must be unique to here.  
 

oh, I see you got out of it.  
 

James, I used to use NyQuil too.  Don’t with meds I am on now, but it was great for sleeping.  I’d have to wean myself off.  Most people hate the taste but it never bothered me.  
 

 

[nashreed]

Well, I ran out of mine, and I looked to see if anybody else here had some and found my brother only has Cherry flavored NyQuil!?! Gross!! What kind of sicko likes Cherry?? 

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

oh, I see you got out of it.  

Gwen:  Due to my poor vision, I have had to change the color of my computer screen to black background with white font.  Unfortunately, by doing so I have probably blocked out some important instructions.  I could not change the italic font on the response  I was working on but once I started a new response, I was back to the usual font.  Dee

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

don't know how to get rid of italic font.

When you are typing there is an I at the top (in between the B and the U), it would have been highlighted, select your words and click on the I, it will toggle back to regular font.

Ahh, I see Gwen already explained it better than I could!  I don't know how to change to a black background but don't think I'd like it on my eyes!

 

 

[kayc]

Good luck with the chiropractor, James!  Sometimes I don't know if they help or hurt, I'm scared of them, want someone who takes to heart "First do no harm."  My last surgeon didn't remember that.

[Widow2015]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

  I don't know how to change to a black background but don't think I'd like it on my eyes!

kayc:  I am not a techy at all.   I learned this hint from a Facebook sight that provides hints and suggestions on living with macular deterioration.  A light background or busy bright backgrounds, bright lights are blinding and actually hurt.  The other day the sun was shining with a beautiful blue sky and everything outside is covered in snow and I have to keep blinds closed because brightness hurts.  I feel like I'm turning into a mole. LOL  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I didn’t know that about light and your eyes, Dee.  How sad you have to shield your eyes from sun.  It’s about the only good thing we have going up here these days.  I know the brightness of my iPad bothers me and I don’t have your eye issue.  I dimmed it down and have a night mode too where it drops lower with an amber background.  I do get dry eyes a lot snd that bothers me.  People don’t blink a lot when they use tablets and phones and I do a lot.  

[Margm]

Off subject some, but figure any subject is game.  When I went to grief group at local church I asked why no men were involved.  One of my acquaintances said "Oh, they remarry" and that can be said for the females too.  I had to leave the group after 2-3 times as it was more on losing children and they finished jerking my heart out.  I could not go again.  My good friend married two years after her husband (Billy's and my friend) passed away.  She lost him after about 12 years and had real double grief.  Her health deteriorated, because her 2nd husband had a heart attack as soon as they married.  She ignored her health to take care of him as it was a downhill course, many hospitalizations.  Now she is alone, suffering from health issues she ignored to take care of her husband.

I cannot judge.  I wish happiness to anyone that suffers this grief, if it happens, if you are open to it.  More power to you and long life, I hope.  

I knew Betty White had been married twice before she married Allen Ludden.  She never remarried in her long life.  I thought it was remarkable her telling the below quote.

In an interview on Larry King Live, when asked whether or not she would remarry, Betty White replied by saying, "Once you've had the best, who needs the rest?"

Simple little words that fit some of us, others it does not.  We look for something to abate the pain, or we live with it.  We are all the same, hope others find some pittance of happiness.  

 

[Gwenivere]

You’re post so touched me, Marg.  Betty White truly summed it up for us here.  My grief counselor both lost 2 husbands and has never sought another.  One was enough for me.  He was the best. 

[nashreed]

I truly don't want to say anything bad about an American Icon like Betty White, but when she lost her husband, she had been on a hit TV show and was financially set, and could choose to not seek out another spouse. She had tons of friends and support, and so many animals that if she wasn't rich, she would have been considered a hoarder. I think she had like 23 dogs when she passed. That's all well and good for her, and God bless her, but if I even think that I might live another 40 years alone, I start having severe anxiety. 

Annette was the best. There will never be another her. But, is it wrong that I still think of finding someone again? I know it's never going to happen. With my circumstances, it would be like winning the Lotto and getting struck by lightning, but I don't want to be alone. Does it mean that I loved Annette less than the women here who choose to say "I've had the best and I'm good now"? 

My brother is 56. Has never had a serious relationship ever. He had a crush in college that rejected him and it devastated him. He has since been on dating sites and has been working consistently, yet has never found a girl even willing to date him once- not for late of trying. He's a nerdy looking guy, but not hideous. He actually doesn't mind talking to people, has none of the anxiety issues I do (he works at friggin Walmart), he has steady income, money in the bank, and owns the home I live in (my name isn't). He has way more going for him, and yet .... nothing. My fate is to live with my brother as two bitter old men. Fun. 

 

 

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I didn’t know that about light and your eyes, Dee.

Gwen:  Bright sunlight is painful.  If the sun is out I always have on my "cocoons", dark glasses, that fit over my prescription eye glasses. 😎 I have heard dry eyes can be very uncomfortable, too.  Since learning I had AMD, the year following Bob's passing,  I am amazed of all the types of problems us humans can have with our eyes.  Dee

[scba]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

But, is it wrong that I still think of finding someone again?

 

It isn't wrong. 

I don't know why people find or not find someone. My best friend gave up and it's skeptical about being in love and loved back. She told me: "at least someone has chosen you". "But he is dead", I replied. We changed subject. We all carry heavy scars. 

 

 

[Margm]

6 hours ago, nashreed said:

That's all well and good for her, and God bless her, but if I even think that I might live another 40 years alone, I start having severe anxiety. 

I think after this has happened, we choose either to "look again" or be satisfied  that we just plain are more comfortable alone than looking/accepting/hunting/finding anyone else.  I think we have had a lot leave here because they found someone else.  It is perfectly natural, if that is what you want, and I believe there is someone for anyone, if they want that and there is no shame in wanting that.  Don't be bitter about wanting to be with someone.  My wish for my middle age children is that they find happiness.  Myself, I'm too old, and besides, if I was 20 years younger, I would still think like Betty.  I have had the best and I sure don't need the rest. A few of our male and female members have found someone else and sometimes in most unusual circumstances, but they are happy and this group does not wish unhappiness to bog us all down if we want loose.  I had 54 years.  I would have liked 54 more, it didn't happen.  We hear ever so often from Kevin in Canada and I think he is happy again.  Just one of many.  I do stick with Betty. She was only 20 years older than me.  You have a life to live, as you want it.  

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

A light background or busy bright backgrounds, bright lights are blinding and actually hurt. 

My sister sometimes wears sunglasses at home and keeps her drapes closed, all but a wee bit to see if someone is coming.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I do get dry eyes a lot snd that bothers me.

Me too, I've used liquid drops for ears, it seems to be improving, am wondering if it's related to my diet as that reversed Fuch's Dystrophy of the Corneas (gave me back my night vision) and Mayo said it can't be reversed.  All I know is it has!  I still use drops but rarely now instead of several times a day.

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

Betty White replied by saying, "Once you've had the best, who needs the rest?"

I love that!

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

when she lost her husband, she had been on a hit TV show and was financially set, and could choose to not seek out another spouse.

I don't think finances have anything to do with it.  In fact, men have always been my ruin financially.  I always said I couldn't afford another until I get the last one paid off!  That won't be until I'm nearly 80.  Not like I see anyone banging the door down! 

James, when George died I was facing 40 years left ahead of me, that's why I choose not to go there, to just do one day at a time.  It's enough.

 

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

It's enough.

 

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

James, when George died I was facing 40 years left ahead of me, that's why I choose not to go there, to just do one day at a time.  It's enough.

I know I don’t have that much time, thank gawd, but this one day at a time is getting old.  Yes, Steve was it for me.  There will never be another.  I have no room for another.  No desire.  I can’t master that one day at a time thing.  I’m always trying to see down the road.  It’s a mist tho.  Where will I be when my time comes?  Will anyone be there?  I can’t imagine who.  Steve passed alone.  I had planned that day to go see him even if he didn’t see me.  Some were there when their loves left.  I feel the pain is equal having felt that losing Ally.  Both brought me to my knees in pain.  Would I have wanted to see his life force extinguished?  Could I live with that image?  I’d seen so much pain in him for years.  I was relieved for him he was free finally.  

[nashreed]

Gwen, maybe that's why I wasn't more upset when Annette passed. I often think that I didn't love her enough because I couldn't really cry, other than tears of frustration and anger. I did more yelling than anything. But maybe, because I knew Annette was going to be in Heaven, I was relieved. She was in so much pain, it was scary. She could barely walk that last week. I have to believe God was merciful. I can't imagine why else He would take her. 

[kayc]

I only know I wanted to be there for George when he passed, it was important to me, we were always there for each other, but that was taken from me by the ice queen (I so dubbed the nurse that threw me out and locked the door behind me).  I never got over that.  I'm sure he had his hands full with his thoughts and pain, transitioning to what's to come, he didn't need to be worrying about me so maybe it helped him, who knows.  I only hope and pray he didn't feel deserted.

I'm pretty sure I'll be alone when my time comes, I only hope Kodie goes before me so he's not left unattended.  In order to have someone there, don't you first have to have someone that cares?  Someone that checks up on you from time to time?

[kayc]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I have to believe God was merciful.

I think perhaps that was the case with George too, he was spared being disabled and in pain, unable to work.  And all of the hardships that were to come.  This isn't a world most of us like, but I guess it's better than nothing.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I often think that I didn't love her enough because I couldn't really cry, other than tears of frustration and anger.

I feel they are all tears and expressions of grief.  I did that too as well as breaking down from a broken heart.   Pounding on walls and cried myself to sleep.  Cursed Steve as well for leaving me.  Now that I need him, I’m feeling that emptiness even more.  I know my grief will never end and wish I could cry more.  I’m sure I will in my medical mess.  I’ll never get used to this void he left.  I just wish I could find motivation in something.  It was once so easy.