If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

At the bottom of Pandora's box was "hope."  I have to think of this when I look at all the boxes I have not opened.  When I was "escaping" that evil, loudest quiet home that somehow was not Billy's and my home, but something that had lost him into the Heavens, it was not supposed to happen that way.  I am the one who escaped death twice and my nurse was the calmest, laid back person that I knew would outlive me many years.  It was not his time, only it was.  Some times I think "He" only takes the best.  I've put it in my head I was not good enough, I need to change, I need to grow that mustard seed.  If I had gone first, I would not worry about leaving all my trash, nothing valuable, for my kids to throw away.  Like "Moonbeam McSwine" I seem to collect unusable trash all around me.  Mail comes in, I'm going to open it later.  Now I have three separate boxes to throw away.  I even have a big shredder (for some reason).  

The new insurance that Medicare went into in our state, either it or my group insurance decides they will no longer pay for Xanax.  Right now they pay $2.50 a month for it and I pay $2.50.  I don't want to be a burden on them, so I will pay the entire $5.00 for the generic they send.  Stupid, dimwitted political crap.  We won't worry about that though.  This is truly a horrendous time for some people.  

You see, I did open a box.  It was not one of the big plastic boxes, it was a middle sized box that had cards Billy had given me for each event in our life.  I could rub my hand over the writing, but it did not help.  Yes, I cried.  Then, as usual, I looked at his urn and I said "okay Billy, I think that is the only one for today."  I doubt if any of us can say we don't cry at least once a day.  Then, we get on with what is left of our life.  I scanned some of the pictures and posted them.  My kids with their neighborhood friends, their Nanny, and this one below.  My country cousins that are all in their 80's right now, or they are gone.  We had innocent fun back then.  We saw each other often, two of them every day.  If I could go back in time, I think it would be this time.  I'm on the far left, my grandmother, Rita, Anne, Mike and Bob.  Rita, Bob, and of course my grandmother left us many years ago.  

[kayc]

Marg, I just had to laugh at your "I'll pay the $5 for my Xanax..."  Good grief!  Why do they even bother with these changes!  Not heading in the right direction imo though...don't trust them.  

[scba]

Marg. I like your family stories and pics. Thank you for sharing.

I understand what you mean by "He" picks up the best. I thought it too. However, my boyfriend was 31 yo. He would have been even better being alive here on Earth. He didn't want to die. He was tired yes, but he fought. He wasn't given a choice I think and he had to leave. I remember being in the waiting room and hearing the beep beep beep from the heart machine. It lasted too long. We were taken outside from the ICU room and he didn't pass away immediately. The beep  and beep and beep was a torture. Please God stop this sound if you already decided to take him with You. Stop doing this.

My angry to Heavens (and to nothing) comes from that place.

I worth to be alive. I don't feel I worth less for being here. But he worth it too!!!!

I don't remember who said this here but If I were given an explanation (by whom exactly?) I wouldn't understand. And I never liked to be underestimated. I would still be angry and resigned.

Peace

Ana

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Ana,  Steve was almost 30 years older than your boyfriend, but I know the world was also better with him in it.  I carry the same angers about no choice.  We were both approaching ages that make these things more a reality, but we don’t feel that in our heads.  The medical sounds, sights and smells were awful.  Certainly not the surroundings we want to be left with.  I’ve screamed and ranted to that god I don’t believe exists jut to relieve some stress.  Covering the bases just in case he/she/it does.  I can’t imagine having any good feelings towards a power that allows so much misery in so many ways.  Steve did believe but I don’t know how he felt as things got closer.  He didn’t seem as scared, but he became cognitively compromised.  Earlier on he had some severe depression which I understood as best I could not being in his place.  Meaning not very much.  
 

If it’s not too personal for you, would you consider sharing his name and what took him?  You’re at 7 years like me with means he was sick since he was 23/24.  Much too young to have to face this. Don’t know when you planned to marry either.  What a wonderful start of a cherished life together ripped away from you both.  I got to have Steve in my life for 40 years, 31 years married.  They say the amount of time we had together doesn’t matter, but it does.  You didn’t get to even start your 'book' together with many chapters of good and tough times to look back on.  I had to write our last one alone and it wasn’t a good one.  His input was sorely missed.  Now it sits with so many unanswered topics and feelings.  A shared project shut down as it requires us both.   I so wish you could have written yours.  💕

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I had to write our last one alone and it wasn’t a good one.  His input was sorely missed.  Now it sits with so many unanswered topics and feelings.  A shared project shut down as it requires us both.

Gwen, this is so well-put.  I love it.  💔

[V. R.]

I agree, Gwen is so good at finding the right words. My 'novel' with my husband lasted 26 years in all, (we'd only just celebrated our silver wedding anniversary) but I feel I've known him all my life. 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, scba said:

I don't remember who said this here but If I were given an explanation (by whom exactly?) I wouldn't understand. And I never liked to be underestimated.

I think I've said "If we were given an explanation (by God) we wouldn't likely agree with it anyway."  Do you think any of us would?  I doubt it!  Not underestimating you in the least.  Some things defy us, death of our loved one being one of them.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

They say the amount of time we had together doesn’t matter, but it does.

I think this reference is regarding quality of relationship...George and I only got to be in each other's lives 6 1/2 years, I can assured you that a month with him and I was closer to him than I was my husband of 23 years!  Hands down.  So ten or 50 years, does not define the quality of relationship, how you connected and loved each other...that does. Longevity of marriage can affect us in other ways though when we lose them!  For instance, I've always been independent so I can imagine it might be easier for me to get used to making decisions on my own, etc. but that has nothing to do with the missing from the heart...all these years later I still miss him more than I can ever put into words.  

Example:  I have a friend in her upper 80s, when she lost her husband...well she had gone from her parents to him and never lived alone, never drove or paid bills.  What a switch!  So used to cooking for him, pleasing him, now just herself to consider, I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her to adjust to this huge change!  But I have to hand it to her, she's doing well, with the help of her kids.  It's a good thing they live in town here, if she was in my situation...

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I so wish you could have written yours.  💕

Me too, and I feel the same as Ana, George and I had just begun to live, although older than her, we were still young and had just begun our story, our happiness, or so it seemed.  I feel so much when I hear of young people going through this, it's just wrong, no matter how you look at it.

 

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

So ten or 50 years, does not define the quality of relationship, how you connected and loved each other...that does. Longevity of marriage can affect us in other ways though when we lose them! 

I didn’t convey this part well.  I never meant to discount any amount of time with 'the one'.  I meant those that didn’t get more time were robbed of so much time.  Time to create a nice big book we cold pull out mentally and reread adventures together.  Intimate time.  Even arguments.  I know you and Ana were really short changed by god or nature.  Her being so young and ready for starting their journey.  You lost so much time with the wrong person and it was cruel you found George to lose him much too soon.  I know had I only had Steve about a decade would have me craving more of the best person I ever knew.  

[kayc]

You conveyed it fine, I was just making another point...I had 23 years with Paul and far surpassed it in one month with George in connectivity.  But when you have a LONG marriage you do get used to having each other and it can be hard to adjust to when they're gone even if not as close.  Those who've had closeness AND longevity...it has to be ultra hard.  I've always been independent and self-sufficient, married or not, so I had that advantage, but losing the emotional support, wow that you don't get over.  And now that I'm older I have to hire a lot more done and pace myself, kind of scares me about the future.  The Bible has a quote that describes well what we're missing....
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.  For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? (Ecc. 4:9-11)

We will miss them until the day we die...

[V. R.]

Lovely words Kay. I'm from a catholic family, even though neither of us has ever paid much attention/importance to 'faith', nor have any of us ever been 'church-goers', always been a bit skeptic, may I say. Nethertheless, in times of sorrow and grief, we do turn to 'him' and ask him for help and comfort, seeking a reason to carry on, but nothing will ever heal us from our loss. I feel that nothing will ever take away from me, that intimate familiarity, that closeness of minds and souls, and that unbreakable bond which are all sealed in my heart, my mind, my soul, on my face, in my expression. Whatever I do, wherever I am, I will have my husband beside me, talking to each other, sharing thoughts, opinions, I have to think this way, if I want to save my sanity.  I was just thinking, tomorrow, Valentine's Day, 27 years ago, he bought me a gold necklace, first 'serious' gift, (we'd met 3 months earlier), and I remember thinking with enormous joy: "wow, so this  means it's serious...". 

[Gwenivere]

Steve and I started as a physical relationship.  It took years before we started becoming a true couple.  We married and even then we both were in undiscovered territory from both of us having been married before.  There was something that kept us together when normally we would have bailed.  I didn’t understand it, just knew he was the one and knew we were meant to be together.  2 times we stood on the edge of the abyss and looked at an end and backed away.  Both times were definite good reasons to end things, but we never could. Even tried but oped for separations instead.  Those are when we truly solidified commitment.  12 years into our marriage is when everything changed.  We renewed our vows and it became our priority and so many problems disappeared.  We weren’t perfect, but we learned how to talk, hear and respect each other.  I lost any doubt I ever felt about us.  We had 19 years of a partnership I wish I could find words for.  People here get it because they had and lost it.  Now its been 7 years and my life is slipping away.  I entrusted it to us.  There is no us but in my head and heart now.  It’s not enough.  Being in love alone is torture. That I can’t find an answer to.  Doing this day after day.  Just watch the hours tick by and no him anywhere ever.  There’s so much I want to talk to him about.  I need his energy. His love.  It breaks my heart we are all going thru days, months, years of this.  For those with support I’m happy for you.  I know it’s not the same tho.  We all know what and who we want.

[Margm]

My last "friend" before Billy was 16 months younger than me. I met with him unloading the mail from the train I was riding.  He lived with his grandparents and uncles.  He worked so hard.  He made his own money, he worked hard.  He would be at the train at 5:00 a.m. and also at about 6:00 p.m.  He was a great football player but I had graduated, he was a senior.  We were together every free minute.  Then his uncle decided I was too old for him, too "experienced."  I really wasn't, but I was legal age, he wasn't.  After he graduated he drove back and forth from the job in the big city.  He was still only 17.  He went to sleep driving.  I was not "in love" with him, but I admired the young man who took care of his own needs, he worked.  One night he went to sleep and hit a bridge.  I still grieve for the 17-year-old boy and the life he could have had.  Not with me, I was married when he died.  It has lived with me now for 61 years.  Some grief you don't forget.  I think we grieve for the life they should have had.  At 17, his life had just started.  I put flowers on his grave.  He is buried between grandparents and his mom that was absent with his growing up.  He was a good little boy.  The grief is not the same but it  is still a hurting that wishes he had known a wife, a home, children, grandchildren.  Just a wish from a great grandmother for a child I used to know.

[scba]

A very touching story. Thanks

[Gwenivere]

It s so sad when someone so young dies.  So much they never got to experience.  Your touching story as kept him alive over all these decades.  He got to experience a taste of love thru you.  We touch lives in many different ways.  People have doe that for me and told me I’ve done it for them.  So any massive horrid thins going on in the world, people forget those little things that make huge differences as well.

[kayc]

Wow, that was very poignant, Marg, all of your posts were.  

I don't feel in love alone as I know George still loves me but I know what you mean, it's how it feels sometimes.  I won't hear from any one today.  It's how it is.  How different life was when George was still alive.

 

[Margm]

Scott didn't even know it was Valentine's Day.  Kelli goes all out on each holiday.  Today I am going to turn the tables and go pick Brianna up and mostly get Scott some vitamins.  All he does is sleep and work.  I think sometimes he is not getting enough exercise, but he works on the environmental crew at night and sometimes the whole hospital is in only two people's hands, have known it when he was the only one.  As a former hard drugs user of the 1990's, his sobriety is very important, so he will purposefully not go back to his most experienced job of DJing.  It puts him in with old friends that still do the drugs, and I'm proud of the way he has stayed away.  In June, the big 60 looms heavy over him.  He is "alone" except for family and Kelli fixes him a wonderful lunch each night, so he has someone that keeps the house comfortable and kept clean.  That boy would not notice it if she moved a 2000 pound gorilla in the living room.  His bed and TV are his most constant companions.  How long will this last?  Been going on for about 3-4 years now, so we will see.  I wish they both could find ideal companions, but Scott does not have time for one, and Kelli just wants to get out and camp (alone).  Mama said  "big enough to go bear hunting with a switch" and that is my Kelli.  Brianna has a "friend-boy" and I don't make the mistake of calling him a boyfriend.  And my sister?  She has this saying she repeats often "and that is why I am happy I didn't get married."  Well, it was not all fun and carnivals, but I can say it was one hell of a ride and I am so very happy I did get married.  The word "soulmate" was not lost on me.  Happy Valentine's folks.  

[Gwenivere]

Had totally forgotten today was Valentine’s Day.  Makes sense as it’s a couples thing.  We didn’t do much, if anything, but I usually got out of cooking by playing the 'take out' card.  
 

Overwhelmed by too many things scheduled this week.  Going to cancel PT today for a shower.  Have a telemedicine visit with my doc at 4.  Been killing time contacting my poop patrol people to pause Melody's service another couple of months.  Heard from Dee the back yard got done. She’s dropping off stuff I need today.  OT was by and I lost it.  Had given up brushing my teeth in the morning.  Too painful this go round.  So I did it mostly standing.  
 

I’m hoping all went well for Karen.  Hope she check in soon.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

I wish they both could find ideal companions, but Scott does not have time for one, and Kelli just wants to get out and camp (alone).

They've picked their lives, I'm sure if it was important to them they'd make the effort.  My kids live their own lives and it doesn't involve me except Christmas/Thanksgiving/grandkids birthdays or when they want a sitter.  Didn't hear from either one, I knew I wouldn't.  No use in trying Melissa, she doesn't answer the phone or have voicemail, my son got back from camping over the weekend and had to work so I didn't bother him.  It was a day like any other.  Missing George.  Glad for Kodie..

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Too painful Thiago round.

???

 

[Gwenivere]

Saw that….this go round. This iPad keyboard often changes things no matter how closely I check what I write and didn’t underline it as it wasn’t a real word. Technology isn’t always our friend.  🙂

[kayc]

Oh!  I looked up Thiago and it is something/someone, just nothing that made sense in this context!  I thought maybe it had another meaning not listed...

I get it!  One of the side effects of my now messed up hands is not always typing correctly...sometimes one click can do something weird on my computer that I don't know how to undo because I don't know what happened!  Last month I lost my bookmarks, that was a disaster!  I restored my years old ones from firefox to Chrome but now I have double and triple of many of them and that's a real mess!  Only one I know who could maybe straighten it out is my son and alas he never has time to do anything...

[Margm]

I saw this and thought of Marty's dad.  (The last part belongs to us Louisiana gals.

[Widow2015]

Marg:  So true, so true.  Growing up in New Orleans I can attest to the "Glow".  Thanks for the laugh.  Dee

[Margm]

On 2/16/2022 at 6:30 AM, kayc said:

One of the side effects of my now messed up hands is not always typing correctly..

Sometimes my left hand will shake so bad that I cannot put them on the home keys at all.  Then other times it is the right.  Sometimes, once I get them in place the shaking slows down.  Some of the shaking goes along with whatever tune my gut wants to sing in.  I do a lot of correcting.  My hands do not hurt at all.  Now, my right wrist where I had the carpel tunnel surgery has arthritis and I have to use my left hand to shore up my right hand if I hold anything.  No pain, but the essential tremor often goes into Parkinson's.  A grandfather, great uncle, 2nd cousin with Parkinson's and the essential tremor struck three others I know of.  None of my kids or grandkids, but a very young 3rd cousin now has it.  We should have all lived under a microscope.  I loved that my dad, leading singing in church, would use the book holding hand and the other hand to go in time with the music.  

[Margm]

I can look on the good side of things though, at least my life's ambition was not to be a neurosurgeon or waitress.

[kayc]

My hand shakes sometimes when I try to do my makeup, once I touch the pencil to my face sometimes it slows enough I can do it, other times it's a challenge, have to hold one hand with the other to steady it.  Just started about a year ago.  My mom had Parkinson's.  Yay.  Always some surprise with old age!