If You're Going Through Hell

[V. R.]

I don't know who Betty White is, living here on another continent, but I surely relate to that phrase she said. Just the thought of another person  in my life makes  me shiver, of course, my total respect to others who feel/think differently, this is only the way I personally feel. 

I'll never come to terms with my loss.At times, I try to 'counsel' myself and say: it was so sudden, unexpected,like when a bomb or an earthquake arrives without warning! You didn't have time to prepare yourself emotionally... But would it have made any difference? 

I know I have my two adorable kids with me, and in fact, I feel guilty sometimes, because I'm always cold, reserved, grumpy, impatient, and so on. I try to understand their own grief, but I tend to be selfish because I only think about my own suffering. Like, others have already said here on this forum, the grief of your life partner is different from losing a parent. Of course it's equally devastating, but reactions/thoughts/feelings are somehow 'different'. That's why I'm grateful in being able to control my sanity by reading all yr posts and sharing my feelings with you. 

I want to send a warm, warm special hug to Gwen. 

Enza

 

 

[Ruby]

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

reserved, grumpy, impatient

Enza, I’m all these things and more. A dear friend suggested I join a support group; maybe I’d meet a nice man. Not now, not ever! Never say never, she says. Never! I’ve gotten lots of notices about support groups, wonder if any are actually happening in person. COVID rates in this state (FL) are up almost 1000%. It’s a shame. Plenty of isolation and loneliness in the world even before COVID. Totally understandable, anybody wanting the emotional and physical connection with another person. People do need people.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, V. R. said:

I tend to be selfish because I only think about my own suffering.

We do in grief, ours is so encompassing, it obliterates everything else, even others' pain.  In time it will expand to include others.

Gwen, I think it's the medical stuff that's exacerbating your grief, if you had no medical issues, you'd likely be volunteering, even in Covid, and interacting with others and have some purpose and joy in life, but this has preempted everything else and only serves to heighten your loss of Steve as you go through this very much feeling alone...I know that is true for my own situation as well and mine nowhere nears yours.  I know there is no help for my hands.    And it's difficult to survive life on your own without them.  If not for Kodie, I'd likely give up.  I hope and pray after your recovery you can get Mel back.  Others are taking care of her but they aren't an all-substitute for YOU in her eyes.

Ruby, I very well may start another in person grief support group after winter is over, if there is enough call for it.  Heck, I'd do it if there were only one person if they wanted!  I could likely get two or three others so they wouldn't feel so alone.  Winters are too hard here, I haven't been anywhere for 16 days, it feels longer.  It will be a lot longer I'm sure.

[Margm]

Carol Burnett said that Betty White's last word was "Allen."  I'm hoping he had his arms open.  I cannot think about Billy's last moments and try to blot them from my mind.  I was not going to let him go.  God showed me who was boss.  

[scba]

7 hours ago, Ruby said:

People do need people.

Absolutely true! The point is,IMO, that looking for a new partner/company/ should be a personal decision made in your own time and terms. Nobody from the outside should point out or press in any way that you would be or feel better if and only if you find someone. 

 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

this has preempted everything else and only serves to heighten your loss of Steve as you go through this very much feeling alone...

This is getting out of control.  Not only am I terrified and unsure I can mentally handle this, they tell me TODAY I was supposed to get a covid test.  Wanted me to go get one today.  I can’t even walk hardly.  They screwed up.  I’m falling apart and they expect me to be rational.  No one gets how it is to have lived this nightmare since July.  Now I hear I can’t have surgery without it.  I’m getting calls of how to get this done.  Now I hear it has to be today or they won’t have results and the hospital won’t admit me.  Had I been told this earlier, I could have had the home nurse do it.  I’m not even sure today will be enough.  It’s supposed to be 2 days. Maybe it’s time to end this nightmare for good.  Forever.

[Kieron]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m falling apart and they expect me to be rational.

Incompetents, every one of them.  Heads should roll.  They probably all get paid big bucks to perform this kabuki theater, playing games with people's health and sanity, and calling it "medicine."  🤬

[scba]

I'm sorry Gwen. I don't know what to say, honestly. 

[Widow2015]

Gwen:  I too, don't know what to say.  There are no words, except I care .  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

I am afraid we have irrational people running around in circles.  If someone is "homebound" then they need to get their silly behinds out for someone to do a COVID test on you.  Of course you could ride your motor scooter, motorized wheelchair, ski's, call for an ambulance.  I do not think anyone thinks with a clear mind right now in medicine.  Gwen, I'm so sorry you have to be in the middle of this quagmire.  

23 hours ago, V. R. said:

I don't know who Betty White is, living here on another continent,

Enza, I think your in Italy????  Your Sophia Loren and Gina Lolabrigida (sp?) famous over here too.  Betty played comedians, some were sexy, but most just comical.  She was an animal advocate and just shy of 100 years.  She was on commercials, talk shows, and just everywhere.  I think most people admired and loved her from afar because she really was never too controversial.  (To my way of thinking).  My mom was a year older than her, but we lost her to Alzheimer's 10 months after Billy left.  It was like we lost her a long time before that.  

[V. R.]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This is getting out of control.  Not only am I terrified and unsure I can mentally handle this, they tell me TODAY I was supposed to get a covid test.  Wanted me to go get one today.  I can’t even walk hardly.  They screwed up.  I’m falling apart and they expect me to be rational.  No one gets how it is to have lived this nightmare since July.  Now I hear I can’t have surgery without it.  I’m getting calls of how to get this done.  Now I hear it has to be today or they won’t have results and the hospital won’t admit me.  Had I been told this earlier, I could have had the home nurse do it.  I’m not even sure today will be enough.  It’s supposed to be 2 days. Maybe it’s time to end this nightmare for good.  Forever.

Gwen, I would be furious, like you, with the health system treating a poor lady this way who is already going through a treacherous time. We too, here, often have incorrect behaviour, from our national health system, which is however run by each individual regional authority. Especially now, in covid times, there is absolute caos. Covid regulations keep changing every day, we can't keep up with these changes, as soon as we get used to one, BANG, here comes another, and we just find ourselves in utter confusion. In fact, in Italy, we already have this regulation, since last yr, where patients who check into hospital for an operation, must have a negative covid test result first, but at least they tell us this in advance. 

A warm embrace to you Gwen, please be brave for us, keep your head up high and don't ever be intimidated by these incompetents (Kieron's words), just go there and do whatever you have to do, you're in their hands now, and if you have to postpone this surgery for another day, well Gwen, believe me, these types of inconveniences happen all the time, we just have to be patient. I know this doesn't make you feel better, but try thinking about the near future when it's all over and you'll be back in your home chatting to us. 😊

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I am afraid we have irrational people running around in circles.  If someone is "homebound" then they need to get their silly behinds out for someone to do a COVID test on you.  Of course you could ride your motor scooter, motorized wheelchair, ski's, call for an ambulance.  I do not think anyone thinks with a clear mind right now in medicine.  Gwen, I'm so sorry you have to be in the middle of this quagmire.  

Enza, I think your in Italy????  Your Sophia Loren and Gina Lolabrigida (sp?) famous over here too.  Betty played comedians, some were sexy, but most just comical.  She was an animal advocate and just shy of 100 years.  She was on commercials, talk shows, and just everywhere.  I think most people admired and loved her from afar because she really was never too controversial.  (To my way of thinking).  My mom was a year older than her, but we lost her to Alzheimer's 10 months after Billy left.  It was like we lost her a long time before that.  

Yes, Marg, Gina and Sofia are two of the most loved Italian actresses here, Gina is 94 now, and Sofia is 87 (my father's age), and by your lovely description I can imagine what a great lady your Betty White was. 

Sorry to hear how your mother died, you know, my MIL had been suffering from senile dementia, before passing away just over 2 months ago, and like you, I felt she had really already left us four years back, when her memory, thinking, behavioural impairments had already begun. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, V.R.  💕 Wish I could put it off, but I can’t function at home anymore really.  Plus they don’t do this without massive coordination, so many people involved.  Not just the doc, but nurses, anesthesiologist, recovery crew and room nurses.  Can’t.just say, hey, let’s wait a day or two.  
 

Can’t help myself.  I have to say how much I will miss 'seeing' all of you for awhile.  Don’t want to wake up outside my routine.  I haven’t even left yet snd I want to come home.  So many weeks my time will not be my own.  It becomes a lot like Stockholm Syndrome.  You get trained and dependent mentally.  
 

Love you all!  ❤️

[kayc]

Hoping all goes well and they don't throw you any more curveballs.  They don't EVEN want to deal with me!!!  I've had experience with my sister's doctors/hospital/caseworkers, etc.!  Praying they start doing their job!!!

[Margm]

Our dear Gwen is in the midst of this medical care, if I'm correct, today was the day.  Please someone, if you can check on her, please let us know.  We can't show up and say we are "family," but we are.  

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Please someone, if you can check on her, please let us know.

Marg:  I wish I had suggested to Gwen to have her Seattle friend, Dee, be given my phone number.  I would have been happy to do so if Dee were willing.  This waiting to hear is painful for us.  If I were able to drive to Seattle, I would.  I live about an hour away , but right now I won't drive down and get my mail due to snow and ice.  She is in God's hands right now and in our hearts.  Hugs,  Dee (South of Seattle).

[kayc]

Well put, Dee.  Gwen didn't think Dee would let us know.  We have to trust she's okay.  She has my contact information but if she's able to access it, she'll be able to access us here.  The wait begins...

[Gwenivere]

I’m here, barely.  It’s been a long 30 hours.  Cannot even describe the pain, anesthesia fog, medication messes, fatigue, no real sleep bodily nerve jerks (maddening) and absolute frustration.   Even had a fight with a staff member who was lecturing me loudly like a child for refusing an X-ray because I was in excruciating pain.  Doing lots of screaming when being or moving myself.  
 

I feel like this was a mistake.  It’s worse because I’ve been in pain for months.  Don’t have the reserves.  I want to leave and end this.  I’ve felt that way for weeks.  Calling louder now.  Know I can say that here.  
 

I have to move.  Too long sitting up far enough to do this. Thank gawd for predictive     typing.

love you all.

❤️❤️❤️

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

love you all.

❤️❤️❤️

Gwen: Just spoke w/ your "Angel Dee".  I thanked her for being there for you.  So sorry you are going through this.  We are all pulling for you.  Wish I could take away some of your pain.  Hope tomorrow is a better day.  Love You, Dee

[V. R.]

Great to hear from you, Gwen. Wishing you all the very best, and hoping your pain will ease away quickly. Praying this new year will be a fresh start for you and may you finally find serenity. 

Enza

🌻

[kayc]

Gwen, I'm sorry it's so hard and so painful, they should have you on something strong, esp. if they want x-rays!  Oh God, I'm praying!  This HAS to be for something, it HAS to work!!!  We all love you.

[Margm]

Again, this is off subject.  I am known to repeat things, so if I have said this, just consider the source.  I have some sort of phenomenon that happens often.  Perhaps it is because I nave never been by myself until this past year.  Sometimes I have a split second feeling someone is with me, a natural feeling, not frightening at all.  Oh, I know I am alone, but still, I can feel them until I remind myself that is impossible and I just go on doing what I'm doing.  Just used to having someone around, I suppose.  

[kayc]

I've lived alone so long, I talk to myself or Kodie...I think the neighbors are used to it, no one's called authorities to haul me off yet....although it could still happen.

 

[Margm]

Kay, I had an aunt that lived into her 90's (most of them did), but she was mowing her yard and just really talking to her deceased husband. My cousin heard her, he was worried. At the time, I had not lost Billy, but I was not worried about my aunt.  And of course we talk to them after they have gone, I have raised my voice in anger, frustration and grief when I talk to him.  He hasn't answered me yet, but I still do it, though not as often.  

I'm watching the third year (I think), the newest of the series "The Queer Eye" and yes, I am a liberal (if I have to have a tacked on label,) and I love this show.  It tends to bog down sometimes, but they are in Texas for this series.  A man who has been a widower for 10 years, and he still cries mentioning his wife.  I understand him.  Her wish was this restaurant and he has not changed anything, including himself in 10 years.  It will be heart tugging, but the boys will change everything around, including the man, and still leave things like his wife would have left them.  He won't go "out" because he feels he would be cheating on his wife.  He said two things we all identify with "It is going to be 10 years this July, to me it was like yesterday."  He struck a cord with me when he said "It is too easy to exist, too hard to live."  He says all this while crying.  

I am excited to see his new wardrobe, his beard and hair had not been cut since his wife passed, he wears only flip-flops.  They will clean and renew his restaurant (and him) with his wife as the chief focus.  

[Gwenivere]

9 minutes ago, Marg M said:

He struck a cord with me when he said "It is too easy to exist, too hard to live."  He says all this while crying.  

This is priceless.  So sums up the reality we deal with everyday.  There is not one day that has passed that hasn’t been affected by Steve’s leaving.  There was always a lot going on living together, but now not even a hello, smile or sound of a familiar life.  Meals and most activities mean nothing now.  I have so much time to fill.  Becoming so solitary.  Now long periods with people I find draining.  This experience has changed me in so many ways.  All of us.  I’ve been a lot of people in my life, but not someone that doesn’t care about life anymore.  The innate fight to survive is in direct conflict with my emotional wish to not.  

[scba]

53 minutes ago, Marg M said:

and he still cries mentioning his wife.

That's me! And I don't know why I do it.

The last time I did I was buying olive oil. It's a small local shop in the countryside. I don't remember the details on how I came to mention him to two strangers. What I do remember is the old lady saying: but you are too young to be a widow. How that could have happened to you! 

Perhaps I was crying for myself.