If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, Marg M said:

at least my life's ambition was not to be a neurosurgeon or waitress.

No, Marg, neither of those would have been good choices.  I remember when I could do very intense, intricate things like modifying circuit boards.  Steve always asked to write things because my writing was really well.  I could write letters pages long.  Now I can barely read my scrawl.  You know I love ya, gal, but I know I wouldn’t want to see you approaching me with a drink or scalpel!  🥰

5 hours ago, kayc said:

My hand shakes sometimes when I try to do my makeup

I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup beyond foundation.  Gave that up since not leaving the house, so early last year.  I miss caring about that.  Don’t have enough eyelashes that don’t make mascara look ridiculous and obvious.  I also forget my age. I don’t know how to do ‘older lady' stuff so as not look ridiculous.  Lipstick is easy, but wasted in the pandemic.  I’ve been in this rehab for weeks and don’t know what anyone that helps me looks like.  

[V. R.]

I used to wear foundation and eye-liner until I lost my beloved soulmate. I haven't touched any makeup at all since then, not even my anti- age/wrinkle cream. Who cares what I look like? I surely don't. 

[kayc]

I've always worn make up, cared what I look like...not for others, but for myself.

[Margm]

I just wonder, my friends that are left behind, and some of you are young enough you might find a hobby, something to look forward to, but do you ever get anxiety about just going to bed at night?  Do you wake up in the morning and think "okay, I woke up, now what?"  I think just going through my life insurance policies has made me feel this way.  I get mail from their company and put it aside.  Then I think, "oh gosh, maybe I'm supposed to sign something "again" just to be sure it is legal.  I finally called one, who sent a second large packet of page after page.  I'm in the process of throwing away old mail I won't open (I hate opening mail), and just talking to those people put me down.  Depression.  I am now reading stuff my kids will have to handle.  I know wild animals go off by themselves to die (if they can.)  I have those feelings.  It is good I take my Xanax at night because the anxiety comes on after my reading or TV is done.  You cannot really visit "old friends" or "older relatives."  What if I carry the virus.  I do what they tell me to do.  

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

but do you ever get anxiety about just going to bed at night?  Do you wake up in the morning and think "okay, I woke up, now what?"

Marg:  I'm not a member of the younger group here but thought I'd chime in .....I have always been a late night person so don't look forward to going to bed, but I do know after  I take my sleep aide I usually get a good night's sleep.  Once I awake I honestly have to force myself out of bed to face the day.  Fortunately as far as I know I don't have many medical issues other than my vision problems.  I keep remembering my dear Granny and the last time I saw her.  She was in her early 80's.  She loved my Grandfather so much and after he passed I can now understand her just laying there waiting to die.  I try not to go to that place, but lately it seems like a comfortable place to go.  I don't think I could leave this earth on my terms because of the pain it would cause my son.  But, do wonder why am I still waking up each morning?

I too dislike the amount of mail that is found in my mailbox.  I thought after I moved and didn't indicate all mail be forwarded it's amazing how it all seemed to follow me and more.  

One of my projects on my "To Do List" after my cataract surgery is to do what you are doing.  Make a list of what my son needs to do to find his way through my files and paperwork.  When I had a life with Bob we wrote out our "Wishes" and  completed all the legal stuff; but with Bob's passing, and my moving to a new location it has to be redone and updated again.   All of this is depressing and reminding us what isn't anymore.  I guess all we can do is keep trying.  Hugs, Dee

[Margm]

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Marg:  I'm not a member of the younger group here but thought I'd chime in ..

Dee, I will be 80 on August 13th.  I don't think I want to be younger, but know the younger ones have more time to fill up than I do.  I have been out three times now with my trekking sticks, just to break the monotony of "okay, it is time to watch my westerns" or "okay, I need to read" or "okay, I have recorded shows on.  Some of the ideas that Billy and I would share comes to mind and I know that cannot happen, he is gone.  The thing is, most of my friends have lost their husbands and one of them has lost two.  I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and yet sometimes I just don't feel like being me anymore..  Not going to check out until it is time.  I remembered something the other day that Billy said a long time before he left, and I remember my feelings were hurt.  Silly, stupid memory.  I had read about a friend of ours aunt having a heart attack at her husband's funeral.  I mentioned that it seemed how I wanted it to be.  I remember him saying strongly "No, one of us has to stay."  I didn't know it was going to be me though.  I guess he didn't either.  

[V. R.]

Marg and Dee, I've just been reading your posts, it's early morning here, and I've managed to get about six hours sleep, thanks to Xanax. You have both really touched my hearts. I know, we can't live in eternity and sadly, in a couple, one of them leaves this world before the other one, creating a huge void inside us that can never be filled. What I will never ever accept is why was my soulmate taken away  too soon, still young (only 57),full of life, he was always doing things, couldn't keep still. We spent our summers riding about on his motorbike! No warning signs, nothing. One minute he was here, the next he wasn't. We have a saying here which l'l try to translate: "he had a wealth of knowledge". He knew everything, knew how to do everything,solving all problems, inventive, and could have a discussion with anyone about every single topic in the world. From the day we married, everything he did, he did it for me, our kids, our home. How can a person like that not exist anymore? Question that will never be answered. 

Regards to all. 

Enza

[Widow2015]

47 minutes ago, V. R. said:

What I will never ever accept is why was my soulmate taken away  too soon, still young (only 57),full of life, he was always doing things, couldn't keep still. We spent our summers riding about on his motorbike! No warning signs, nothing. One minute he was here, the next he wasn't.

Enza:  How can you ever accept why your dear soulmate was taken away at such a young age?  Your loss is so unfair.  I loved reading the description of how he loved life and was able to interact with anyone discussing anything.  His love and consideration of you, your children and home are evident of his caring character.   Your married life was cut short so suddenly and much too soon.  I had my Bob for almost 51 years and he was the one in this partnership that had so much to live for and  so much to do all the time in addition to being an amazing husband and father.   No, unfortunately there is no answer to "Why".  

Good thoughts, Dee

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 I have been out three times now with my trekking sticks, just to break the monotony of "okay, it is time to watch my westerns" or "okay, I need to read" or "okay, I have recorded shows on. 

Marg : I am impressed to read you have been out with your trekking sticks.   We had a dusting of snow last night then it warmed up to the mid 30's and when I got into my car to drive down to the mailbox and meet my granddaughter's bus I had to scrape ice off my windshield as I warmed up my car.  I clocked that up to my exercise for the day.  

Living in my new location there aren't neighbors to visit nor do I have many acquaintances or family to talk with on the phone during the day so walking around outside would do me good.   Most of my old friends have passed away or we've lost touch with each other.

No, I don't want to be younger if I have to be younger without my Bob.  Besides, this old world is not a world I'm comfortable in anymore.   Have a good evening.  Hugs, Dee

 

[kayc]

Enza, I relate, my George had his 51st bdy five days before he suddenly died, I was 52.  It left a whole lot of life in me to do alone, that was nearly 17 years ago.  In my family we live into our 90s.  My son called out of the blue yesterday and asked if I'd thought about moving.  Ha!  With these hands  how am I supposed to move?  I have 45 years of living here and everyone went off and left their stuff and no place to donate to locally.  Even if my hands weren't incapacitated and in pain, it'd be daunting.  besides I have good neighbors, community, this is my life.  I can't imagine starting over at my age...maybe when I was younger.  And Kodie loves it here.  My husband's ashes are scattered here, my pets all buried here.  When Kodie is gone I hope I'll just magically die...
Marg, my sister sits with nothing to do, she hasn't felt purpose since she retired 28 years ago.  No kids.  She watches t.v., reads, talks on the phone.  I don't have time!  I'm picking up branches, hauling firewood, shoveling snow, walking Kodie or taking him on his playdates, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, check on my sister, come here and the diabetic group.  I hate it when someone calls and wants to talk for over an hour, it throws me behind.  I don't sit down and rest until an hour before bedtime.  I go to bed early, get up early.

I got five pieces of mail yesterday...walked straight to the garbage can and in they want.  I get my bills online, so it's usually junk.

[V. R.]

Oh, Kay, how terrible and unfair for you, losing your loved one a few days after his birthday, and so young too. There really is no explanation😢. I really would never have believed that I'd be left alone at 53 yrs old. Kay, it sounds like you live in a similar place to me, out in the country? I've just been chopping up disregarded branches(from pruning olive trees) for firewood. There's always lots of work  to do outside, on our property (weather-permitting of course), and this helps my sanity, I stop thinking while I'm working there. Unfortunately I'm not strong or brave enough to learn how to drive my husband's tractor. I now have to call a friend of ours to do all the grass cutting, plowing, and other mechanical jobs my husband used to do. I just manage to do small manual jobs😔. 

Dee, you too, use lovely words to describe how your loved one was. Must be so difficult getting used to being alone again after spending all those years together. Fate (or whatever there is out there) has let me down, I believed me and my husband would be together for many more years , like my parents, who, thankfully, are doing fine and have been married 57 years now. 

 

[nashreed]

I wish I had a purpose. I would give anything to feel the stress of being Annette's caregiver again, even though at the time I hated it. I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping- always worried about her overnight. Always listening for her to call for me, or fall out of bed (which she did a few times). Now I sleep great. What does that say about me?

Kay, I seriously don't want my life to be like your sisters. At least she has people to talk to on the phone. I hate how my Moms life seems to revolve around the TV. She reads too, but never goes out. She's about the last of her family (except for her two sons and some random cousins). The thought of just growing old and bitter with my brother- two miserable lonely old men- makes me want to jump off a building. (Unfortunately, the tallest building in town closed off access to their roof. I used to go up there as a kid) 

You can't make new old friends. None of my old school friends have time or interest in me. It would take 10 people just to fill the roles that Annette filled in my life easily. She was everything. I don't understand why I have to exist without my soulmate. It's like walking around without a heart- a zombie. 

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, Marg M said:

Do you wake up in the morning and think "okay, I woke up, now what?"  

I remember himsaying strongly "No, one of us has to stay."  

I wake up I feeling that every single morning.  Now what?  Just wait til I get to go back to sleep knowing I will feel it again in a few hours.  It’s a horrible cycle.  This will sound weird, but I think understandable, I wish I could feel bored.  That for me would motivate me to do things.  Now I just sit wondering how long I can keep doing this.  Wishing I wouldn’t wake up.  I’m so tired of PT and thinking of being home and unable to do the simplest things.  The 2nd quote I don’t understand, Marg. Why do we have to stay?  For what purpose?  I don’t have anyone depending on me or whose life I would change in any serious way if I were gone.  I find myself thinking of my mom more going to sleep.  She was the one that gave me that first feeling I really mattered.  I liked being someone’s 'baby' and could return that as they wanted to be the 'one' that mattered the most to me.  No matter what, her arms were always open.  I now see how it hurt her when I pulled away as kids do when they grew up.  But whenever I had free time, I would go to my parents house to be with them.  They often came home from outings to me waiting.  They were my first stop when I flew into town.

12 hours ago, V. R. said:

home. How can a person like that not exist anymore? Question that will never be answered. 

Another question that hits me so often.  I’ve had years finding there is no answer beyond nature doing it’s thing.  Neither of us asked to be here, but we gave each other meaning to fill in the parental loss and much deeper than our friends.  We were both fortunate to have great ones.  He had many, I had a bestie, all I needed.  We were both outgoing so always enjoyed attention.  My counselor has always liked her own company so she doesn’t struggle like I have been allowing him to matter so much.  She’s been married twice and seems at peace with the losses. I  know she did harbor much anger toward her first because he committed suicide abandoning her with their child.  But being close to 80 now, she seems very content.  Not something I see happening to me.  

10 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

No, I don't want to be younger if I have to be younger without my Bob.  Besides, this old world is not a world I'm comfortable in anymore. 

I can definitely relate to that feeling.  I have wondered where I would be had he and I never met.  I couldn’t bear children so don’t know if that would have been a part of my life thru another way.  I have never felt maternal except for the short time I tried.  Maybe the miscarriages burned me out.  So much we don’t know.  Don’t know if I would have found someone I loved this deeply.  I know my mom didn’t after she lost my dad.  My stepdad was awesome, but not the love of her life.  I never talked with him about her in his heart.  He actually did more after her death for years as she battled panic disorder like me, but didn’t get the right meds and on a schedule which I told her about after being diagnosed.  They both spent their last month’s horribly.  I feel I am walking a well worn path left behind.  I got 7 years to try and adapt.  It’s not working.

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

Always listening for her to call for me, or fall out of bed (which she did a few times). Now I sleep great. What does that say about me?

The same thing it says about me.  After years of being on call 24/7, I was relieved to step out of that role.  I would have done it as long as it took, and I went thru a lot of guilt about the relief.  It’s normal. I wanted the him I knew back.  I got tired of making so many decisions and emergency runs to the hospital.  I relished sleeping knowing there would be no interruptions.  Does that mean I loved him any less?  Of course not!  Now I lost him totally.  Entered this hell on earth.  Finding it worse now.  Because it would mean he was still here.  But he’d be suffering.  How do you ever resolve that?  
 

[V. R.]

I understand when you say it would take 10 people to fill up the roles your beloved wife filled up in your life. I feel this, too. How can we ever become normal again, after we've lost that person who was our world, our everything? You say you live with your mother and brother, well, even though they can't possibly understand what your going through right now, I'm sure they really care about you and love having you living together with them. I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I do have my son and daughter who live with me. They miss their dad so much. I put myself in their shoes and imagine how devastated I  would have been if I had lost my dad when I was in my 20s. He's 88 now and my mum is 84, first met when they were teenagers! Thankfully, they are keeping well. I feel selfish at times because I only worry about my own grief and don't realise how much my kids are suffering  too. How can I find words of comfort for them if I've become a nervous wreck and am so locked up in my own grief, struggling to go on, at least for their sakes? 

 

[Kieron]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I went thru a lot of guilt about the relief.  It’s normal. I wanted the him I knew back.  I got tired of making so many decisions and emergency runs to the hospital.  I relished sleeping knowing there would be no interruptions.  Does that mean I loved him any less?  Of course not!  Now I lost him totally.  Entered this hell on earth.  Finding it worse now.  Because it would mean he was still here.  But he’d be suffering.  How do you ever resolve that?  

I know exactly what you mean, having gone through similar struggles.  I look around at all this corona crap and realize how lucky we are not to have to deal with that complication on top of an already-painful situation.  It's better he's not here.  Seeing how quality of care has deteriorated even further just confirms that.

A few days ago, a channel on YouTube that I am subscribed to, a cooking show, had a really professional production about making Sunday Supper, Italian style, and the Italian-American guy and his brother, and some friends and colleagues, put together a Sunday Supper in New York City, and the camera followed them around.  Really well done show, but it was also hard to watch because this guy's brother, also a chef, looks just like Mark when he was younger, same height, build, coloring, and moustache, and everything.  The way they were talking, making meatballs, simmering sauces, etc and gesturing, arguing, yelling at each other the way Italians do 😆, I had to stop and wipe my eyes a few times.  That life is over for me, but at the same time I was always annoyed by the excess food that got made, and the endless dishes for me to do.  After he was gone, I noticed I kept feeling like I was starving, even though I was eating well.  Eventually it dawned on me that he was pouring his love into the food and that, in its own way, was nourishing.  I don't notice the starvation sensation anymore... got used to it, I guess.

😢

[kayc]

21 hours ago, V. R. said:

Unfortunately I'm not strong or brave enough to learn how to drive my husband's tractor. I now have to call a friend of ours to do all the grass cutting, plowing, and other mechanical jobs my husband used to do.

I haven't done any yard work since 2017 when I fell at the vet's (on cement) and permanently injured my knees, esp. the left one, also got permanent toe injuries and now have hammer toes which will be worse as I age.  I hire out the mowing, pruning, tree trimming, cutting trees, got rid of my lawnmower (I'm not a mechanic!)  I'm turning 70 this year.  But I still pick up the tons of branches that come down, esp. after the drought we've had (it weakens the trees), and shovel the snow.  My elevation is at 2,500 so I get plenty.  Yes, I'm in the country, up in the mountains above Oakridge OR.  I love it here.  My son wants me to move, not ready to throw in the towel yet, I love my community and neighbors and the beauty of this place and Kodie likes his yard and best friend.  When I am ready I will let him know, but honestly, I hope I die first.  My husband's ashes are scattered here, and our pets buried here, I have memorial stones for each, it's where I want my ashes to be someday.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But being close to 80 now, she seems very content.  Not something I see happening to me.  

Everyone's situation is different.  Some have family/kids in close contact, helping them, caring about them.  I do not have that.  I'm alone.  Some have close friends to do things with, talk to.  Not me.  I have George to talk to but he's too far away to do things with and he's also busy working, I have my sister Peggy, we talk every day but she isn't able to do anything and my hands can't handle lifting her walker, last time I had to do a trip to the doctor afterwards as my fingers went cold/white!  That was scary.  I can cook and bring her food, bring Kodie to see her, roads permitting, but can't do what I did in the first year after Bert died and when she fell and went to the hospital and rehab...that sent my BP to critical.  I have to take care of myself first.  I've learned that the hard way.  So it's a balancing act.  When she's gone I will feel 5% relief and 95 % missing her terribly...and feeling guilty about the 5%.  Why do we berate ourselves for what is normal?!  IDK, we all do.

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I would have done it as long as it took

I would have too.  I was prepared to when I found out he'd be disabled and wouldn't be able to work again...but instead he died.  I'd have done ANYTHING to keep him here with me!  If all we could do together was go for rides and eat and watch movies, I'd have been happy with that.  Just to cuddle with him, talk to him, hold hands.  We felt so connected.  I've never had anything like that with anyone else.

14 hours ago, Kieron said:

That life is over for me

 

[scba]

I understand you all. And I'm going to share an episode I have never told to anyone.

My boyfriend died after a transplant. The surgery was successful. But it arrived too late, we found. 

A week later his kidneys started to fail. He was in coma. At that moment I remembered what he mentioned, if his kidneys failed it was the end. 

I wasn't his caregiver and he never wanted me to be to. But he "trained" me for the after surgery. I was ready. I must have felt something very similar before you enter into a sport field or a battle field. A sense of duty, purpose and faith against the odds.

It never happened. There was no need for me to enter the field. 

It was September. Morning. I was sitting in the waiting room and I watched a young girl, I think she was 18 or less, walking in the aisle with his doctor. She looked pailed and frail. She survived her transplant, I found. The nurse told me that she was a patient who didn't want to live, she was tired of being sick, of fighting. She was letting herself go away. Yet, she survived and she woke up. I thought that if she didn't want to live and yet she overcome the surgery, my boyfriend, who wanted to live and did not let himself to slip away, would too.

And the kidneys failed.

I think I said to the nurse something like why she was alive when she didn't want to and my boyfriend was going to die in spite of everything he had done?

I was "using" a nurse to ask God why he was not keeping BOTH alive. Or why he didn't deserve to walk again.

I can see the scene now 8 years later. I can see the girl's parents being anxious for her daughter. 

My boyfriend and another young patient from the transplant unit died within days. I never knew what happened to the walking girl. I truly wish she survived and found meaning in being alive. The other girl who passed away was the only child of a single mother. I won't ever understand. 

That same nurse told me that if my boyfriend survived, he would have lived tightened to a machine. 

That would have been devastating for him and for us. But then....

Months later, my MIL said: We cannot lose another one.

And so in reply to you Marg, I don't like evenings and I feel relieved when I wake up. It means that I will get another chance to fill up my time with stress over nonsenses rather than thoughts from the past which snick into my bed in the dark. I don't sleep like restored, even though there isn't anything that should worry me know. I should get a restorative sleep. Yet I don't. I have vivid dreams but not from the past anymore, thankfully. For many months I dreamed that it was me in the surgery room, in the hospital bed. 

That should mean that I'm healing... I hope I am. It's not the healing I have read about nor it felt like a healing journey. I believe I have lost my shoul. I believe I have seen hell. But I have to be honest in writing that I did make lots of progress from that September morning when I caught a glimpse of a future that was almost there to catch but was not ment to be. 

I don't take sleeping pills and when I do I feel sorry for myself and for the reason why. I didn't take them when he was alive. 

Irony

Peace to you all.

Ana

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Why do we berate ourselves for what is normal?!  IDK, we all do.

It doesn’t make sense, does it?  I tell people all the time to go as easy on themselves as they do others and we them.  I never feel others are being lax or not trying, but when it comes to me, I don’t give myself the same permission, I’m don't know why.  Do we feel we don’t deserve it?  One thing grief does is teach us empathy and compassion.  Maybe we have had a lifetime of thinking (or not thinking) it could ever be so painful.  Plus our whole definition of 'normal' has changed in the blink of an eye.  I’m still trying to define it years later.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

If all we could do together was go for rides and eat and watch movies, I'd have been happy with that.  Just to cuddle with him, talk to him, hold hands.  We felt so connected.

Same here.  It’s what we planned for our evenings.  He had his music too and I had the nursing home.  We didn’t factor in losing our dogs.  We went thru so much hell for 12 years that getting it right for the next 19 was so especially special.  We had reached the point of a relationship that defines if it is going to last or not.  We made it.  Felt so fortunate.  There are always tough times, but our foundation was rock solid.  Discovered how those ways to physically connect meant so much.  Talked so much about our world and the big one.  Our priorities and opinions always respected.  Our debates on differences always stimulating.  We even discovered things about each other we never knew, like his belief in god.  I never knew!  
 

3 hours ago, scba said:

I feel relieved when I wake up. It means that I will get another chance to fill up my time with stress over nonsenses rather than thoughts from the past which snick into my bed in the dark. I don't sleep well enough, like restored, even though there isn't anything that should worry me know. No more battlefields and training. I should get a restorative sleep.

I’m the opposite.  Sleep is where I find any respite.  Days are full of realities that create so much stress.  I do understand it not being restorative.  Almost 8 hours go by and I’m as tired as when I went to bed.  I feel I live in a battlefield now without him.  They don’t exist while sleeping with the intensity of waking life.  If he were here I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.  I’m tired. Tired of being responsible for everything.  Taxes will be coming up.  That was his job.  His van needs service, his job.  My turn for major physical malady, he’s not here to help.  Thoughts of the past sneak into my thoughts too.  Haven’t figured out to successfully block them yet.

[nashreed]

That's a beautiful story Ana. I relate to it so much. Annette was only 49. Her sister says that she would want me to be happy, to laugh... How can I when all I think of when I think of her now is how damn unfair life was to her? Type 1 Diabetes, which caused kidney failure, which also caused her to be nearly blind. Severe rheumatoid arthritis, which caused her do be in pain for 20 years. Yet all that time, she was still upbeat and cheerful- never letting it get her down...most of the time. Sometimes she would just break down and cry from the pain, from the frustration of there always being something else wrong. Toward the end she had weeping edema from the kidney failure and I had to wrap her leg (yes, only one because one was amputated) several times a day. Why was life so unfair? Why is it still unfair to all of us? It's hard to live with. 

I want to be her husband still. I want it more than anything. I want it more than my life. I try so hard to hang on to being her husband, but I can't live in the past. My life sucks. The present sucks. My car was broken into overnight (well, it was opened, because I never lock it in my own driveway). Luckily, I don't have jack squat to steal in there. I think they got a dollar. But all my trash in my driver side pocket was thrown everywhere- I feel violated. I can't go to the dang grocery store without being hassled by a homeless person (that's life in California). What am I doing? What am I doing here? Hearing the cashiers talk about going on vacation and their spouses and their lives. I have no life. More to the point, I don't deserve a life. I can't escape the guilt of not taking better care of her when she was here. Often preoccupied, always buying CD's.... What an idiot. 

[Margm]

On 2/23/2022 at 2:08 AM, Widow2015 said:

Marg : I am impressed to read you have been out with your trekking sticks.

It is 38 degrees and it says "rain coming."  Those living above La. have snow.  We had it every year 175 miles up the road where we lived.  I know typing medical reports, orthopedics were really kept busy.  When I was walking, all times, it was in the 70's and the sun was shining.  Mother Nature fooled the tulip trees.  This is February, might have ice yet.  I will not be outside my door if it is.  

Lots of doc appointments for my daughter and sister.  I have to be up early to go with my sister.  Then Tuesday they do the bronchoscopy.  I go on the 28th for lab work I don't want to have, but he wanted it.  Cannot treat anything that is found.  He was headed out the door when I told him the diet I was allowed to have.  He wants me to have more fiber, yeah and I will pay for it by sleeping on the "necessity."  That sounds better than commode, doesn't it?  

I will handle it.  Just worried about the rest of my family.  Nothing I can do but "be there."  

I am by choice more of a hermit.  I talk to my kids 2-3 times a day.  My sister at least twice a day.  I talk to my friends and relatives, but do not want to go anywhere but where I have to and I wear a mask.

Gotta turn off the news and go read my book about shape shifters..  It all seems unreal.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

when it comes to me, I don’t give myself the same permission

Exactly!  I think this is true for most of us.  We are hardest on ourselves, as if we are the exception to our compassion.

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

I want to be her husband still. I want it more than anything. I want it more than my life.

I know...

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

It is 38 degrees and it says "rain coming."

We got 13 1/2" Monday and have had some snowing every day since, even when predicted clear.  I guess the weatherman forgot to look outside.  They need a weather rock:
• If the rock is wet, it's raining.
• If the rock is swinging, the wind is blowing.
• If the rock casts a shadow, the sun is shining.
• If the rock does not cast a shadow and is not wet, the sky is cloudy.
• If the rock is difficult to see, it is foggy.
• If the rock is white, it is snowing.
• If the rock is coated with ice, there is a frost.
• If the ice is thick, it's a heavy frost.
• If the rock is bouncing, there is an earthquake.
• If the rock is under water, there is a flood.
• If the rock is warm, it is sunny.
• If the rock is missing, there was a tornado.
• If the rock is wet and swinging violently, there is a hurricane.
• If the rock can be felt but not seen, it is night time.
• If the rock has white splats on it, watch out for birds.

[kayc]

21 hours ago, scba said:

I'm going to share an episode I have never told to anyone.

  No answers...none.  George died five days after his 51st bdy, this was sudden/unexpected, he would not of wanted to be disabled either, which they said he would if he lived, but he didn't live, he didn't even make it to surgery.  I never got any answers to "why?" I had to accept what is, is, but that took oh so long.  No, nothing fair about it.  I see other couples no more/less deserving than us, they still have their spouse.  Why indeed.  We're looking for fairness where there is none.  Answers where there either is none or none we could understand.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

We're looking for fairness where there is none.  Answers where there either is none or none we could understand.

I don’t know how to stop doing that now in just about everything in my existence.  All I know is I am feel almost mean dealing with people. Jokes are running thin.  Hobbling down the hall hearing 'speed racer' is annoying.  

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Hobbling down the hall hearing 'speed racer' is annoying.

OMG, who is saying that?  Very uncalled for, I'd report it!  I HOPE not someone who works there!  Nothing about this is funny!

[Gwenivere]

It was a resident.  But the nurses and other staff will always say how well I’m doing. I’m not.  Plan to talk to PT today about what is expected to happen here.  Just keep walking in pain and at some point it gets better?  Pain means something is wrong.   I know that’s how it’s supposed to go, but weeks and it feeling worse?  Getting my meds cut?  I remember last year I got bored wit PT. I was asking for more activity.  With it being a weekend, there is no talking to anyone that has any power about my concerns.  I talked to the nurse last night about my pain med dosage and he said it was quite low for my condition.  He has others taking almost double and or at 2 more times a day.  What happens is often the pharmacy will see you haven’t asked for 'as needed' and tell the doc to review if the patient really needs it.  So, essentially, by trying to stay at what I thought was being responsible and not drug seeking, I screwed myself.  I see why people abuse them so I’m being careful.  They do feel good.  This is a mess.  If I find out that there has been something wrong and this as made it worse I’ll lose it.  The big frustration is I have been on these meds for so long and my body is sending signals something is wrong that feels beyond surgery.  But I don’t know because the surgeon can’t see the frigging X-rays!  What was the point if he had no access…from January tru February?  Sorry for another long whine, but this could seriously affect what happens at discharge.