nashreed Posted January 18, 2022 Report Share Posted January 18, 2022 38 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: This is priceless. So sums up the reality we deal with everyday. There is not one day that has passed that hasn’t been affected by Steve’s leaving. There was always a lot going on living together, but now not even a hello, smile or sound of a familiar life. Meals and most activities mean nothing now. I have so much time to fill. Becoming so solitary. Now long periods with people I find draining. This experience has changed me in so many ways. All of us. I’ve been a lot of people in my life, but not someone that doesn’t care about life anymore. The innate fight to survive is in direct conflict with my emotional wish to not. So true Gwen. My family doesn't understand why I'm not the same person I was. I don't know how to be the person I used to be with them, and the person that lived with Annette is dead. I physically should have died with her. My life now is a pointless existence of being so incredibly bored and lonely, but also not wanting to be around anyone (except Annette, which isn't possible on this earth). I use COVID as an excuse (albeit a valid one) to not interact with the outside world, but it wouldn't make much difference if COVID didn't exist. I have no opportunity or means to meet anyone, and wouldn't know what to do if I did. I get pissed off reading about asteroids that are always supposed to be coming so close to Earth, but aren't a threat. Can't catch a break ever. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 On 1/18/2022 at 12:07 PM, scba said: Perhaps I was crying for myself. I’ve had so many types of crying and why over the years. The first year was pretty straightforward. It was for myself and the horrid pain of him not physically here. How our house was now so empty, so much of his stuff around, weekly traditions like BBQ, date and take out night. As time passed it’s become very different. I moved into anger at him. Cussed him out. Screamed at him for abandoning me. Then came seeing other couples and the reminder of what I lost. Now I ever know. Like you, Ana, finding something I used to buy and don’t anymore because he liked it or I don’t cook for us anymore. Deals on pizzas or whatever that are too much for one person, sales on soda he drank, goodies I’d find as surprises when unpacking and he would root thru the bags hoping there was something different. All those things that made mundane tasks…..un mundane. Didn’t have to wait weeks to do laundry. Things that broke getting fixed quickly. Changing the beds with 1 used side. Now things that are missing. Left his bathroom untouched. Using his clothes closet for other storage. Sometimes I can talk about him easily, others tears fill my eyes. When not in pain, I’d go places from bliss to yearning. That Forrest Gump box of chocolate’s. There is his last bottle of wine in the fridge. It will stay there as long as I am. His van sits and needs service. Something down the road to be done. The garage and music studio are mostly him. I have little business there now. My own little world within our home. But that’s the love still burning in……our home. ❤️ 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V. R. Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 My dear friends, you've been reading my thoughts, my mind... I nodded my head a thousand times reading these posts, I just wanted to reach out to you all, joining together in a huge embrace and just weep, weep, trying to console each other. For this is what I have achieved, joining you all here, in this group:comfort,consolation,soothing. Ana,what can I say? It's the same for me, too, when it comes to buying things we used to buy together. No, can't buy that, he doesn't like it, or perhaps, yes, I can buy this, he would approve. Then, on the other hand, I have changed my habits of life completely, because if my love is not here to share it with us, what's the point? It's all meaningless! Gwen, I won't even start to mention all the things that break and can't get fixed anymore, I'd have to write a book😢, my Claudio really was a 'do it all' in the house and everywhere (also for family problems), and his decisions were always right. I used to say to him (and I felt truly certain of this) :"if you say this is the best thing to do in this situation, then I trust you completely, 100% sure", and in fact, the problem was always solved James, I also have the same problem with family (except for my kids, of course), they just don't understand, and it's very, very frustrating. My mother, yesterday, during her daily phone call: "what a lovely day it is today, we've been having such beautiful sunny days....." I just replied with a faint murmur: "mmm", thinking to myself: "What are you talking about? How dare you.... Don't you know that for me it's always 'raining in my heart', like the song says. Who cares about the sun? The lines of the song: "The end of the world",(Skeeter Davis) are always on my mind: 'why does the sun go on shining?, ' why does the sea rush to shore? " 'why do the birds go on singing?' 'why do the stars glow above?' 'don't they know it's the end of the world?' I feel like I don't belong to this world that keeps going on, what am I doing here? My body is here, my mind, my spirit are not.I almost don't feel like a human being anymore. I was HIM and he was ME. You can't divided something whole and then expect the other half to live. He was my only, my first real serious boyfriend(like we say here, you have to "meet the frogs before you meet the prince" ) , and he IS my prince, (I'll never say 'was'), even though I was 27 when we met, I feel now, as if I grew up with him, became a mature adult, acquired knowledge, experience, reason, how to relate to people, using my common sense, how to deal with difficult situations, making the right decisions, in other words, he taught me all I know, I am what I am now thanks to him. Deep inside, though, now, I feel I am nobody, not the person I was before I met him, not the person I was during our 26 years together, then who am I? Later, this morning, I'm going shopping with my mother (she really appreciates this, as my father doesn't drive anymore, so carrying heavy bags is not very comfortable, if you have to walk!). You may probably think, well at least you don't have to go on your own, wouldn't it be worse for you? The answer is no, sorry, even if I feel rotten saying it, t doesn't make me feel better at all! Always glad to have you all. Enza 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxi Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 Enza one of the things helped me in the early grief was trying to change perspective... think of what you had with your husband...not only what you lose! We take everything for granted and life is not so predictable... It's only a little advice, a trick to lessen raw pain...grief is a working in progress, you can try it sometimes... It did works for me, not always...some days nothing works! But you will learn little by little what can help you along the way... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 I am so sick of this whole Covid thing, no one doing their jobs anymore, everyone using it as an excuse. Come on! Single moms still ring up groceries every day, why can't the courts process divorces that have been turned in and paid for! Why can't veterinarians see your dog or give their shots on time! This morning I tried to order Covid tests for my sister, at https://special.usps.com/testkits?fbclid=IwAR1m0Hh3Q3KxXcvclnUZ5SODsgBSrqFLGRPTbNqfVo6ynSEoRvKJDsJ0Hc0 but the post office wouldn't put it through because they said it's a business address! WTH! It's a quiet dead-end private gravel road that she owns and has lived on for 50 years! Her doctor sent a letter to the post office so she could get her mail there and they granted permission! So why then indeed! Gov't never makes anything easy. It seems to me that Covid is an excuse for people to not do their jobs. And don't even get me started on "customer service!" It's non-existent. I hate this world that we're living in! No wonder I like being here in the country on a quiet dead-end street where neighbors look after each other and are caring. It's rare. No wonder I like dogs. They aren't people. 3 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V. R. Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 10 hours ago, Roxi said: Enza one of the things helped me in the early grief was trying to change perspective... think of what you had with your husband...not only what you lose! We take everything for granted and life is not so predictable... It's only a little advice, a trick to lessen raw pain...grief is a working in progress, you can try it sometimes... It did works for me, not always...some days nothing works! But you will learn little by little what can help you along the way... Yes, you're right Roxi. When I think of what we had, I manage to smile to myself as I remember the wonderful times we spent together. It really is soothing. Funnily enough, I end up concentrating my thoughts on how we met, and how our relationship evolved. These memories have now strangely become much more vivid and I seem to remember so much detail (things I thought I'd forgotten, or never really considered), as if it had all happened yesterday! 9 hours ago, kayc said: I am so sick of this whole Covid thing, no one doing their jobs anymore, everyone using it as an excuse. Come on! Single moms still ring up groceries every day, why can't the courts process divorces that have been turned in and paid for! Why can't veterinarians see your dog or give their shots on time! This morning I tried to order Covid tests for my sister, at https://special.usps.com/testkits?fbclid=IwAR1m0Hh3Q3KxXcvclnUZ5SODsgBSrqFLGRPTbNqfVo6ynSEoRvKJDsJ0Hc0 but the post office wouldn't put it through because they said it's a business address! WTH! It's a quiet dead-end private gravel road that she owns and has lived on for 50 years! Her doctor sent a letter to the post office so she could get her mail there and they granted permission! So why then indeed! Gov't never makes anything easy. It seems to me that Covid is an excuse for people to not do their jobs. And don't even get me started on "customer service!" It's non-existent. I hate this world that we're living in! No wonder I like being here in the country on a quiet dead-end street where neighbors look after each other and are caring. It's rare. No wonder I like dogs. They aren't people. 9 hours ago, kayc said: I am so sick of this whole Covid thing, no one doing their jobs anymore, everyone using it as an excuse. Come on! Single moms still ring up groceries every day, why can't the courts process divorces that have been turned in and paid for! Why can't veterinarians see your dog or give their shots on time! This morning I tried to order Covid tests for my sister, at https://special.usps.com/testkits?fbclid=IwAR1m0Hh3Q3KxXcvclnUZ5SODsgBSrqFLGRPTbNqfVo6ynSEoRvKJDsJ0Hc0 but the post office wouldn't put it through because they said it's a business address! WTH! It's a quiet dead-end private gravel road that she owns and has lived on for 50 years! Her doctor sent a letter to the post office so she could get her mail there and they granted permission! So why then indeed! Gov't never makes anything easy. It seems to me that Covid is an excuse for people to not do their jobs. And don't even get me started on "customer service!" It's non-existent. I hate this world that we're living in! No wonder I like being here in the country on a quiet dead-end street where neighbors look after each other and are caring. It's rare. No wonder I like dogs. They aren't people. You're so right Kay about Covid being an excuse for people not doing their jobs. I am always more convinced each and every day, that we are under attack, not just by this virus but also by 'Media terrorism". I hope this translation is o. k. for "terrorismo mediatico" like we say here. We really can't take any more, restrictions and rules changing over and over again, green passes, super green passes, do you have these? I heard yesterday that a pregnant lady was turned away from a hospital emergency department because she hadn't had a covid swab test in the previous three days before going to the hospital. Her 'green pass' was no good either because she'd had only two vaccine doses. But it was an emergency! She had stomach pains, bleeding, strong possibility of miscarriage! Sorry, they told her and her husband, 'go home and come back Monday when there will be someone available to do the swab test.' Poor thing, she lost her baby soon after....what more is there to say? 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 19, 2022 Report Share Posted January 19, 2022 54 minutes ago, V. R. said: Yes, you're right Roxi. When I think of what we had, I manage to smile to myself as I remember the wonderful times we spent together. It really is soothing. Funnily enough, I end up concentrating my thoughts on how we met, and how our relationship evolved. These memories have now strangely become much more vivid and I seem to remember so much detail (things I thought I'd forgotten, or never really considered), as if it had all happened yesterday! You're so right Kay about Covid being an excuse for people not doing their jobs. I am always more convinced each and every day, that we are under attack, not just by this virus but also by 'Media terrorism". I hope this translation is o. k. for "terrorismo mediatico" like we say here. We really can't take any more, restrictions and rules changing over and over again, green passes, super green passes, do you have these? I heard yesterday that a pregnant lady was turned away from a hospital emergency department because she hadn't had a covid swab test in the previous three days before going to the hospital. Her 'green pass' was no good either because she'd had only two vaccine doses. But it was an emergency! She had stomach pains, bleeding, strong possibility of miscarriage! Sorry, they told her and her husband, 'go home and come back Monday when there will be someone available to do the swab test.' Poor thing, she lost her baby soon after....what more is there to say? Dear Enza, I have developed vivid memories over time. I'm not an expert in psychology and I don't know why this occurs but I experience most of the memories in a very real time way. I call them "my visions" (I don't say this word cause people will freak out!). But I cannot remember dialogues. I remember what I was wearing the day I met him on a bus stop. About your feeling that you don't know who you are and who you are now that he is gone. This is very common in grief and it is called "secondary loss". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 22 hours ago, V. R. said: I feel like I don't belong to this world that keeps going on, what am I doing here? My body is here, my mind, my spirit are not.I almost don't feel like a human being anymore. I was HIM and he was ME. You can't divided something whole and then expect the other half to live. now, I feel I am nobody, not the person I was before I met him, not the person I was during our 26 years together, then who am I? I don’t fit in this world anymore either. Every role I had has changed or disappeared. I know how to play the parts when needed to function is this altered 'now'. I’ve been trying to find a comfort zone, but haven’t. The only thing keeping me going is being in our home. It will always be us because I am still in love with him. It aches and burns every single day. But half of me died with him. We met when I was 21 and I was 58 when I lost him. Now I’m 7 years without him. Love him even more. We married when I was 27. We both saw other people but we were like magnets, meeting up anytime we could. I don’t know who I am now either. Have been wandering lost for years. I have my routines. Some are things we always did like pre dinner naps, usual bed, wake and meal times but filling in the other night hours are so very different now. The world is forever changed for me. Not in the usual way of adapting to what time brings with usual aging ones. We were supposed to be going into this hand in hand. Get old and go grey together. Look back on all we experienced that made our life the unique one it was. Just like each of us. All things have to end and so many stories here to show that. Was wanting add more memories. I miss that. Those stopped so long ago. it took me me a few years to accept our journey was done and there would be no more chapters. The last one was horrible. It was forced to be written painfully. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 Secondary losses 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 20, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 Thank you so much for putting the "secondary losses" on here. I had never read it and my mind right now is not in any condition to soak it in, but I will go back to it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 This has not been a good day. I spent 2 hours on hold trying to get in touch with the new plan administrator for my health insurance reimbursement account provided by my employer upon retirement. Evidently the new administrator did not carry over my banking info for direct deposit. I finally gave up as I had a massive headache by then. Tonight I put some leftovers in the dog dishes. Not sure what happened, but when I stood up, I lost my balance. I literally went reeling backward across the room to keep from falling. I finally slammed into a set of shelves and fell hard on my tailbone. Having a hard time walking and sitting for sure. Hope tomorrow is a better day. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 Sometimes when we stand up too quickly we lose our equilibrium, sounds like that's what happened. I'm so sorry you hit so hard! It's amazing you didn't cold cock yourself and get a concussion! I hope you heal quickly. I can related to the hard time sitting, ever since I was cut on a week ago, lots of pain! Enza, we don't have "passes" here and hospitals still take people who are not vaccinated. We can't get surgery/procedures without first getting tested for Covid and their designated place, ugh. I have to drive 120+ miles three days before merely having a consult with a gastroenterologist! That's not until April. Crazy! Of course they'll require masks. Nowadays they want a special kind, which I already wear, can hardly breathe in it. Someone at church came down with Covid two days later, so have to wait another day to see if we got it...didn't find out right away and was gone all day taking Kodie about 140 miles to get his shots. He may need more, his vet isn't open to give me his list from last year, so I think he had it, they charged $350 but that included six months flea/tick meds) but want to make sure, I think it was for three years, so he doesn't need it this year (DHHP) and I think he got the 3 years rabies last year as he was due for it. No idea why but they were closed yesterday, not even answering the phone. If George were here, we could weather anything together! It's very different facing everything alone. Gwen, continuing to wish good for you and hoping your days improve even the slightest. Karen, take care, like my friend told me, do I have to come bubblewrap you?! (I told her yes, I'd love to see her again, she's in TX). 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V. R. Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 Kay, I just want to thank you for recommending C. S. Lewis' "A grief observed". I found it very reassuring, soothing, consolatory. I relate so much to what he talks about in this book. I was particularly moved by his words, when mentioning God: "Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?" and also when he talks about other people's behaviour: "I'm aware of being an embarrassment to everyone I meet, people trying to make up their mind whether to talk about it or not. I hate if they do and I hate it if they don't". That's me! 😞 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 Ouch Karen! In so many ways. I’ve had to make calls from this rehab that require lots of time and get frustrating and hard on the neck as at home I have a headset. I’m always amazed that the simplest of questions can become a tangled mess. Doesn’t sound like it’s resolved yet either. That’s always annoying. I read about falling on your butt and cringe. I don’t remember if you have BP probs. Being lightheaded is an awful feeling. I hope it’s not too bad and calms down sooner than later. I have a soft spot in my heart for anyone with back pain. 🙂 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted January 20, 2022 Report Share Posted January 20, 2022 I don't remember feeling dizzy, just sort of off kilter like I was tilted. For all I know, I probably then tripped over my own 2 feet. lol Sitting gingerly today and no leaning back on my tailbone. My grandson screams at me when I fall because I hate to ask for help with anything. I think he's more scared than angry, although he would never admit it. I think he's afraid of losing me to something serious. I am the closest thing to a mom he's ever had. Will tackle the insurance thing again tomorrow. Don't feel like it today. Gwen, so sorry your pain is worse. There just has to be a turning things around point. IMO, take the pain meds for as much comfort as possible. The more rest you get, the faster healing will be, less need for the drugs. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 21, 2022 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2022 1 hour ago, KarenK said: My grandson screams at me when I fall because I hate to ask for help with anything. I think he's more scared than angry, although he would never admit it. I think he's afraid of losing me to something serious. Karen, I used to wonder why my dad would get so angry when we were hurt, or when Mama fainted one time. His anger was just worry turned to sound like anger. I didn't understand until I started showing worry with anger. I still do sometimes. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roxi Posted January 21, 2022 Report Share Posted January 21, 2022 20 hours ago, kayc said: If George were here, we could weather anything together! It's very different facing everything alone. How true Kay !😔 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2022 Report Share Posted January 21, 2022 Enza, the difference being he experienced it rather than merely studied about it. CS Lewis is very spiritual, educated in Christianity and a walk with God, but he experienced love and grief! 15 hours ago, KarenK said: I think he's more scared than angry Many guys are more comfortable displaying anger than fear, but I think you've hit the nail on the head. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V. R. Posted February 7, 2022 Report Share Posted February 7, 2022 I've just been re-reading Marty's article "Secondary Losses", as in the past few days, I've been feeling extremely, desperately down, (maybe because I've had to face situations I just didn't know how to manage on my own, feeling helpless, inadequate, incapable of deciding, of talking, even. I needed to read this to find a reason for my inadequacy, inability to function, just wishing that a big hole in the ground would just swallow me up and end it all. Always glad to be able to write here, to keep control of my sanity. Enza. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2022 Report Share Posted February 7, 2022 If you ever feel capable of the task, let me know, I think I've felt that sometimes although I have confidence in myself, if that makes any sense! Sometimes we just plain get tired of it always all being on us. Sometimes I consult with my son but in recent years it's harder to have his audience, he's always busy. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V. R. Posted February 9, 2022 Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 I was just reading some posts from the section "Tools for Healing', in the topic: " Articles worth reading" - Early acute grief and Integrated grief. Well, I can definitely identify myself still in the 'early acute grief' stage, after 15 months I'm still "bumping into the shock of it every moment of the day", and so many other things listed in the article. This afternoon, I decided to light a fire in our wood stove we have in my 'comfort/music room' (it's actually a haven for me now, escaping from the world outside) in our attic, for the first time since 'that day'. I found an old empty packet of his cigarettes in the firewood box. Oh my, that triggered me off! I found myself touching, stroking, kissing that packet as if it was my husband! You can probably already guess, that I didn't throw it away and I never will! I also try to avoid touching things, going places, which remind me, like still not being able to get into our car. I washed it some time ago, but just couldn't bring myself to go inside. I want to, to feel him, to smell him, but it's just too painful. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nashreed Posted February 9, 2022 Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 That's sweet. I wish I could still find surprises. I had to move from our home after a month and a half and so I couldn't really justify keeping things like the last water bottle she drank out of. I kept it as long as I could. But I couldn't even take the table it was resting on with me. I feel more and more disconnected from her. I found out my insurance doesn't cover the test strips for Annette's glucometer that I've been using anymore. They're going to send me a new one. That was literally the last thing of hers that I was still able to use. All of her cough drops, Tums, medications have expired. I had to get a new car before I left Tulsa. I had to get a new phone and cancel her phone and service because its unsupported and obsolete now, It really sucks. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 10, 2022 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2022 A series of events made up my day, make up my every day. I had found a heart necklace in back of a drawer. I went to put it in the jewelry box, which I never go to. I saw a box I did not remember and figured I'd clean it out. Mistake!!! It has been six years and nearly four months since Billy left. Of course these were most all of him. One when Scott was about two and he had his Steve McQueen look. I honestly thought Billy got better looking every year, I did not notice his age, or the white surrounding his dark red beard. I talked with my sister today about religion. You see, that was a big part of her studies and I had to change the subject. Billy would ask why I believed like I did and I would always say "because I have to." I am most comfortable this way and I don't want to question anything. My dad and she used to argue religion all the time. She lived with them. She would go to her room, lock her door and he would go on the front porch to argue through the window. I'm a simple minded person. I do not like to question many things. All I know is, we are at a big worrisome time with my sister's health. She has a bronchoscopy the first part of March. She has a dark spot on one lung and the other one has been scarred for years. She is so independent that if she was laying flat on the ground, she would find a way to get around my helping her up. She is on total oxygen almost constantly, and the best I can say is, I'm worried and I know she cannot do it alone. I will be there for her, always. For her own mental health, I hope she can do things herself. This really happened. My dad was dying. His blood count was so low he stayed in front of the fireplace with Mama staying outside most of the time because it was so hot in the house. My uncle came to help. My dad got out of the chair, went outside and physically ran my uncle off. My sister is just like him. She brings me presents because I take her trash out in my trash buggy. Oh, so unnecessary. Me, I've never been alone. She, she has always lived alone except when she had to stay with my parents. Word salad about nothing. Folks, I am dealing with some family problems right now. I will return. Love you all. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 10, 2022 Report Share Posted February 10, 2022 Word salads are good, Marg. Put in whatever suits your fancy. Sometimes it helps just to put it all down on "paper". Love to you too. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 10, 2022 Report Share Posted February 10, 2022 22 hours ago, V. R. said: I found myself touching, stroking, kissing that packet as if it was my husband! I understand, many of us have done the same with something off the wall like that, something that reminds us of them. You're still in the early time, it takes so long to get used to this, or maybe not expect them to appear. James, I'm sorry you had to leave so much behind. And now more things... Marg, I'm sorry about your sister. I worry about mine. The future doesn't look well...back to today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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