It hurts so bad

[iPraiseHim]

Hollowheart,

These things take time.  I wanted to rush through all of this bad stuff.  But have found that all of this stuff is part of our journey and process through grief.  When others write that over time you will manage, I couldn't comprehend it.  I just wanted my life back the way it was.  I still do but realize I have no power over that.  I cannot foretell my future either.  If your tired, rest.  Grief work takes a tremendous amount of energy.  It will come back when it will come back.  I tend to want to rush through the unpleasant part of life but have come to realize in grief is actually a buffer to help us work through the grief.  I hope your energy will return in due time.  Life is a series of small steps taken daily through our life.  Everyone, please take time to care for yourself.  Shalom. - George

[kayc]

I'm so glad to read these posts!  It's been a long rough day and this put a smile on my face.

[BillT]

My sweet Mary Kay looked at the world and saw "wonders" or as she was prone to say, "irony".  I have lists that she made of many serendipitous occurrences in our rental home acquisitions and remodeling activities.   She always looked for and found things to be thankful to the Lord for.  Most of the time, she did not write lists - she frequently stated things she was thankful for whenever and wherever.  Such a blessing she was/is! 

The bluebonnets are in full bloom along the roadside here in N. Texas.  As I drive, I can hear my darling exclaim the beauty of each field I pass.  We would likely be holding hands.

I miss her so!  Can't see to type.

Love & prayer

 

Bill 

[WolfsKat]

Bill....your Mary Kay sounds like such a wonderful soul.....always looking for the good/happy in life!  I hope that you will try to emulate that, in her honor and loving memory, as hard as it might seem at present.  Wishing you blessings and peace.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Bill,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. There are little bits everyday that remind me of my husband, Mark.  Sometimes they are REAL obvious; sometimes so very subtle.  At 16 months out, it doesn't sting so much.  I find more little smiles than tears.  I never thought I would make it to this point while I wandered through the fog.  It would only be a fantasy to think I could have him back, and I can't live life that way.  It is too real.  This doesn't mean that I don't miss him every single minute of my waking hours.  My emotions sit just under the surface.  I miss his reassuring touch so much.

[kayc]

Bill, I like how you say was/is, because it's a reminder that they still ARE!  It's comforting knowing they're existing, just not like they once were in our lives, but our love continues, even death is not enough to separate us.

Maryann, it's good to see how so many of you are beginning to adapt, even if that only means it isn't quite as painful all of the time.  

[mittam99]

Kay, we do adapt slowly but I suspect the pain and those triggers will be with us for the rest of our lives. Thankfully, my Tammy is with me for the rest of my life as well. It's impossible for her to ever leave my heart or my head. And I'm not just Mitch anymore. I'm Mitch with a whole lot of Tammy mixed in. And that's a very good thing. The hard part is not being able to kiss those perfect lips or touch her soft skin or hear her voice of an angel.

We all long to get our old lives back and go back in time and be with our soul mate again. We hope to wake up one day and realize this was just a nightmare. In a fantasy world, that would happen to all of us. Unfortunately, that's not reality. Our reality, our new way of being is sad, it's lonely, it feels so meaningless. Our challenge is to wake up, face the day and figure out where we are going. To figure out who we are and what we are capable of. And this will take time. We will have some ups and many downs along the way. Some of us may take longer to find a direction to take.

This new life sucks, sucks really badly. But, we are alive (even though it often doesn't feel that way) and this life is all we get. It's not the life we dreamed of. It's miserable a good part of the time. But, we may as well make the best of it.

Let's try not to be so hard on ourselves. Be patient with yourself, this process is a slow one...

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

 At 16 months out, it doesn't sting so much.  I find more little smiles than tears.  I never thought I would make it to this point while I wandered through the fog.  It would only be a fantasy to think I could have him back, and I can't live life that way.  It is too real.  This doesn't mean that I don't miss him every single minute of my waking hours.  My emotions sit just under the surface.  I miss his reassuring touch so much.

Maryann, I am a month behind you and seem to be getting worse at this acceptance.  I read your post and say....maybe in a month I will begin to feel better?  It's those darned timeline and personality differences that make comparisons so useless.  I know it is only a fantasy when I think of him being back.   I know SO many things logically.  They just don't meld with the emotions.  I don't want to live my life like this.  What gets me is that last year I did so much better.  I don't know why it is hitting me so hard now.  Perhaps because it is so real and I had so much to distract me with tasks before.  Now that they are done, I have all this time to really think and feel and see this is forever.  Having just had a major grief attack last night has me shaken today.  It stopped my evening cold and all I could do was cry myself to sleep.  I did give it some thought after reading your post and can interact better with people, but I can't shake the emptiness that has grown larger over the last few months.  I get so frustrated about that.  I'm happy you are doing better.  I try to look at it as hope, but if I am to be honest, I am envious.  Not fair to you or me but it is what it is.  

[Margm]

Gwen, Maryann, listen to the voice of experience (Ha).  That ought to give you a laugh.  On the 17th of this month will be six months for me and I don't like to think about him being gone.  I think sometimes things get easier, but I doubt the pain ever goes away.  You have read my grandmother writing that after 18 years it hurt as much as on the first day.  This was a little woman with not too much mirth, no "put on" at all, a little country woman that ran her own business for over 30 years and wrote a column for the weekly newspaper from the time she was 14 until she was 84.  I hated to read that, because she would not lie, would not exaggerate.  So, I think maybe (I have to believe this), that somehow the burden gets easier.  I have to think that.  What religion is that that the terrorists believe they will have ?? number of virgins waiting on "the other side" for their being a martyr and blowing themselves up.  Honestly, this pain ought to rack us up at least 20 young Robert Redfords waiting on us.  (But, I would settle for one Billy.)

[Froggie4635]

I think I know part of the reason why the hurt has lessened at this point.  I am now passed all my major dates until fall.  February was so hard, and my birthday just a week ago was the final date I dreaded until Thanksgiving.  No more birthdays or anniversaries or major landmarks in the emotional cycle.  It is the same feeling I get when Friday arrives and I know my work week is done for a couple days; no more wearing of the public mask.  I am still coming out of the "fog" and believe me, I still put up barriers to keep from letting too many emotions come to the surface.  I don't even let myself think for more long enough to say the words, about the rest of my life without Mark.  I completely stay in the NOW.  I know that I have reached a point that I don't have to keep myself from dealing with an important date.  Gwen, it will come; it may last only for a few minutes, or maybe a week, or perhaps it will stay long enough for you to take a break.  Please don't envy me because I have some lightness.  We all know how quickly it can get dark.  We can't compare timelines; each journey is unique.  From all the books I have read, the second year is supposed to be harder; reality becomes more a part of life.  I am making it because I don't let myself think beyond right now, and that is what works for me. 

[hollowheart]

48 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Maryann, I am a month behind you and seem to be getting worse at this acceptance.

This has been me over this last week. I have started seeing my therapist twice a week and she suggested a psychiatrist for meds. I officially am depressed. And that depresses me because I have never been depressed before. But I know how I act is not me at all. Sometimes I just can't get past my sister is gone. I think of the things we used to do together and it makes me miserable. I miss her voice, her texts, her coming by to see me, us planning stuff to do, buying take out and can't wait to go home to eat and watching movies.  Anything and everything that basically gave me some sort of life revolved around her. We did so much together. 

I get tired of being tired about it. I get tired of trying to find something to fill the time. I get frustrated and lonely and that makes me mad. I'm tired of being frustrated. I fear this getting worse. Is this my doom if I live another 50 years?

My therapist keeps suggesting volunteering and meet up groups. I have been looking but I also feel a desperation with that. It's this feeling of it being all I have left and if that doesn't work, then what? I can't guarantee a great friendship if I volunteer. I know I have to try, but I hate the expectations I have around it.

 

 

[Margm]

Maryann, no one will envy you any lightness.  Peace is what we want for all of us.  I am proud of your lightness and hope you have lots more, and all of us too.  

[Gwenivere]

Thanks Maryann.  You have what my counselor has been trying to drum into me...stay in the now.  I've had 2 times with the holidays and birthdays.  The first were so close to his death I don't even remember them.  The 2nds were like a first.  Anyway, I am failing that NOW thing too much.  I try but given any moment not busy with a task, I'm in the funk.  Too many now moments without him in it.  Just one of those days today.  

[kayc]

Instead of thinking of yourself as failing at it, think of it as needing practice.  Every time you start to go into the future, try bringing yourself back into today.  It took me a little practice too!

[Gwenivere]

There are many times, Kay, I feel you are a master for all the time you have lived with this.  

You are like the mother hen in a good way!   

[kayc]

This place saved my bacon, is it any wonder I want nothing more than to be there for others going through this?  If nothing else, it lets what I've been through count for something good.

[BillT]

19 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Bill....your Mary Kay sounds like such a wonderful soul.....always looking for the good/happy in life!  I hope that you will try to emulate that, in her honor and loving memory, as hard as it might seem at present.  Wishing you blessings and peace.

WolfsKat, Mary Kay made me a better man, and yes I try to be more like her with her appreciation for all things and people.  Thank you!

19 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Dear Bill,

Thank you for sharing your feelings. There are little bits everyday that remind me of my husband, Mark.  Sometimes they are REAL obvious; sometimes so very subtle.  At 16 months out, it doesn't sting so much.  I find more little smiles than tears.  I never thought I would make it to this point while I wandered through the fog.  It would only be a fantasy to think I could have him back, and I can't live life that way.  It is too real.  This doesn't mean that I don't miss him every single minute of my waking hours.  My emotions sit just under the surface.  I miss his reassuring touch so much.

MaryAnn, thank you for your post - it gives me hope that someday, the pain will lessen.  I miss holding her so much.  Thank you again.

Love and prayers to each and all.

 

 

[mittam99]

Bill the pain does lessen with time. You are very early in your grief journey and of course there's no timetable. And no instruction manual. You'll find your way just like we all are trying to do. Just remember, Mary Kay will always reside in your heart and the love you shared will last forever. 

-------------------------

Another day, another grief burst for me.

After daughter Katie left home, Tammy loved spending time in her room. She enjoyed it on a number of levels. First, it gave her some comfort. She missed her little Katiebug terribly. It also gave her another room with a different view. After all, she spent most of her time in our bedroom.

This morning as part of my "spruce up the house plan" I replaced the broken blind in Katie's room. I also decided to change the bedding. And that's were the story takes a painful turn. Tammy as you know had an incredible amount of health issues from systemic lupus and raynauds to recurring MRSA and hemorrhaging. As I went to remove the comforter, I saw blood stains. And of course I cried. Then behind the bed I saw some blood soaked gauze from some of the wound care I did for Tammy's sores. It obviously had fallen off.

All I could think about was how much my sweet Tammy had to endure. How this inside and out beautiful, charming woman was tortured with horrendous medical problems throughout her life. And how she had courage and grace that few could imagine.

Tammy really was the most special woman I've ever known or ever will know. 

As painful as this morning was, I know Tammy would be proud of me. I hope she knows that she is still the reason I go on living. My Tammy gives me the strength and courage to live in a world that is lonely and at times seems meaningless. 

No one knows exactly where our grief journey will ultimately take us but I'm in a better place than I was just a few short months ago.

Mitch

 

 

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

I wanted you to know that I have seen a change in your spirit and posts over the last couple months.  I remember when you first came to this group, and how many of us were worried and concerned.  I know I even wrote to Marty because I was so concerned.  But you are an example of all the things I read in all the grief and loss books; the change is gradual, and at first it is others who notice it.  But there comes a point where we are able to see all the growth we are making, and how our own "awakening" happens.  I know I am proud of the steps you have taken, and know you will be a great inspiration and help to those who are just stepping into their journey.  Tammy is smiling down on you and very glad to see how you are keeping all that love for her with you and letting it help you get stronger each and every day.

[mittam99]

Maryann,

What you wrote made me cry. And I mean that in a good way. I miss Tammy so badly. But I know she's with me, she'll always be with me! I love her so much.

I am so happy that some of that fog has lifted for you, my dear friend. And that your Mark is inspiring you in many ways. Thank you so much for caring.

Those of you new to the site may not know what Maryann was referring to in her post above; read here if you're interested. A year and a month ago to the day, my wife Tammy died. When I found this community a couple weeks later, the pain was overwhelming. I was beyond distraught and devastated. I had thoughts that life wasn't worth living and I had moments where I contemplated suicide. Thankfully, that's something I could not do, life is simply too precious.

If you're new to this grief journey and you're overwhelmed with pain and can't imagine a future that's worth living, I have three words of wisdom...

Never give up.

 

[kayc]

Mitch,

I think you should print and frame Maryann's post because it is what we all would like to say.

[Froggie4635]

Even though we come here as strangers, we find a connection with each other.  We begin to look out for each other.  We notice when there are long periods without a post; when someone is "missing".  Even though we are grieving and hurting, we are observant of those around us.  We truly begin to care and develop relationships.  We are a community.  We are friends.  We are here to encourage and to understand. We are here to listen, and to share.  I know I wouldn't be where I am without my furbabes, and this wonderful group of souls.  I know I have a ways to go, and that there will be more hard moments and surges of grief.  But I know where I can turn, and also be there for others who don't know which end is up.  Hugs to everyone here.

[brat#2]

I want to thank all of you for your words of encouragement and kindness.  I too feel I would not be making any progress without this group.  It is so comforting to know I have a place I can go and let my feelings out and get such wonderful responses back that are filled with caring and understanding.  Thank you

Joyce

 

[BillT]

Good news:  I spent a few hours being productive this date.  Still cried, most times in private, but I lost it in the County  Clerk's office where I was attempting to file paperwork relative to my sweet darling's death.

She was with me in spirit as I went places and did things that we most often did together.  Good memories, but oh so wrenching because I could not gaze on her smiling loving face, or hear her sweet voice.  Memories of the good times that were good just because we were together.

God help me! 

Love and prayers to all.

[mittam99]

Bill that is very good to hear. Just take it one moment at a time.

--------------

My rollercoaster grief ride continues. I wanted to listen to the baseball game on the radio and reluctantly decided to use the FM radio on Tammy's phone. I say reluctantly because I knew I would start crying. Well, I wound up with a grief burst that was so intense I lost my breath a couple times. I was rocked to my core.

I couldn't help it. I had to look at those text messages. Text messages sent in early March 2015. There they were in black and white (plus colorful emoticons... Tammy loved using them). Tammy telling me how much she loved me and telling friends how determined she was to get better. Chatting with my sister on the day before she died and being her sweet, funny, caring, adorable self. Talking about getting stronger and being able to do more and go on those dates with me she loved so much. Tammy telling someone she was doing well. Tammy worried about me driving in the snowstorm...

All the texts were pointing to a future of happiness and love.

Then just a matter of a day later, Tammy was gone. All her dreams and all my dreams... gone. One of the most wonderful people to ever walk this earth and my perfect wife, gone.

I admit I'm doing better than a few months ago but I am still hurting. I never know when I'll be transported back to that horrible day of March 6th.

I'm still trying to find my way. Two steps forward, one step back. I guess we can call that the grief dance.