It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

Bill so sorry things are hitting you so hard today. You're only two months into life without your beloved. Unfortunately, those waves will hit and at  the most "inopportune" times. The trigger can be virtually anything that stirs a memory of you and your lady. Sights, sounds, smells, a random thought, etc... 

This won't make it easier but it's truth...

This grief journey will be the most emotional and difficult thing you'll ever experience. I'm over a year into my journey and I still have those triggers. It's also  a learning experience. We're learning how to live in a world not of our choice. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Draw strength from your beloved to get through this. No one can ever take away her love and those moments you shared.

I know it's a painful, agonizing time and it's hard to see how you will ever be happy again. It's not easy.

Keep posting here and we'll do our best to help you through the challenge of grief. I hope you find some comfort.

Mitch

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Bill,

Mitch is right.  There are so many kind souls here who share their experiences, and help us all to move along our journey.  It is still, for me at almost 16 months, a one day at a time journey.  I had a trigger yesterday that set the tone for the entire day.  This is one place that I know I don't have to edit myself; that I can speak what is on my mind and in my heart without judgment.  It is like a big, warm hug here.  I am so sorry that you have to be here, and on this journey that was not your choosing. There is always a hand to hold here.

 

Maryann

[mittam99]

Speaking of triggers...

This was one of the more unusual ones, I've had. A little background first. As you may know from my posts, I don't like change. I have a very difficult time "letting go" of anything that belonged to Tammy. It feels like those things are the last remnants of my old life. So, Tammy's toothbrush still sits in the toothbrush holder. Yesterday morning, I was brushing my teeth and the brush seemed different. Halfway through brushing, I realized it was Tammy's toothbrush. Now, back in the day, I would have reacted by apologizing to Tammy for using her brush and then rinsing my germs off. Yesterday though, I felt bad for another reason. It may seem weird (probably is) but I was upset that I somehow "disturbed" something of Tammy's. The last time she used it was on the day she died (or possibly the night before). It's as though I feel like it's not really Tammy's brush anymore and I've ruined something.

I realize how dumb that all probably sounds ...

Grief does weird things.

[Froggie4635]

I felt the same way yesterday about my trigger.  I said to a couple people who I shared it with that it was kind of stupid, but a trigger regardless.  Yesterday I turned 54.  Well, Mark was only like 4 months older than me, and would tease me about my upcoming b-day...and I would remind him that he was already there.  Well, yesterday I became older than him.  And I thought about it of all places when I was in the shower getting ready for work.

[hollowheart]

A trigger is a trigger and they happen all the time, out of the blue. They make me feel extra lonely because no one knows about them but me. I get Entertainment Weekly by mail and my mom found a new issues I had not seen and asked me if I had seen it. it had the girl from Game of Thrones on the cover. That was my sisters favorite show and my heart dropped. My mom likes GoT too, but she didn't connect it to the pain I did. After that moment I thought 'see how fast I can crash and burn?' It's horrible.

[mittam99]

Not doing well right now. I'm overwhelmed and waves of confusion and guilt are flowing through me. I just read about Patty Duke and that she died of sepsis. The day Tammy died, she was super tired all day and seemed to not be herself... she seemed confused. I thought it was the new narcotic pain med she just took. My brother in law the doctor thought the same. Then, suddenly Tammy started to get the sweats and my first though was... "No, this can't be". She had had sepsis before and this was one of the symptoms. Tammy was very uncomfortable but still saying she was just very tired. Then, it all went bad quickly... she was having trouble breathing and by the time the ambulance came it was too late.

Tammy had so many medical conditions going on. Her lupus, the raynaud's. the sjogrens. The new blood clots in her legs, Her kidneys weren't in great shape on and on. Tammy was always the one who knew her body. If she needed to go to the ER she'd tell me. Why didn't I see all these symptoms as more than just confusion or fatigue? If she got to the hospital earlier would it have made a difference?

I know it's hindsight but this is tearing me up inside.

[WolfsKat]

11 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Not doing well right now. I'm overwhelmed and waves of confusion and guilt are flowing through me. I just read about Patty Duke and that she died of sepsis. The day Tammy died, she was super tired all day and seemed to not be herself... she seemed confused. I thought it was the new narcotic pain med she just took. My brother in law the doctor thought the same. Then, suddenly Tammy started to get the sweats and my first though was... "No, this can't be". She had had sepsis before and this was one of the symptoms. Tammy was very uncomfortable but still saying she was just very tired. Then, it all went bad quickly... she was having trouble breathing and by the time the ambulance came it was too late.

Tammy had so many medical conditions going on. Her lupus, the raynaud's. the sjogrens. The new blood clots in her legs, Her kidneys weren't in great shape on and on. Tammy was always the one who knew her body. If she needed to go to the ER she'd tell me. Why didn't I see all these symptoms as more than just confusion or fatigue? If she got to the hospital earlier would it have made a difference?

I know it's hindsight but this is tearing me up inside.

oh,Mitch......I've so very often felt just the same way....I KNEW there was something so wrong...but my Connor was stubborn, he refused to be checked despite my urging.  And,I KNEW that if I had just pressured him......he would've went in......perhaps saving his life.  But I tried to give him free will.....no pressure.,and, for that, I will always feel guilt.  Perhaps I could've saved his life.....I will always be tormented by the "what-if's".....it isw my cross to bear....even when he finally accepted that something was very wrong......and he was admitted to hospital, I truly thought that he would "learn his lesson" and listen to me in the future.....I had no clue that he would never return home, and would be lost to me in a few short weeks.  I find it so very hard to forgive myself for not forcing him to go in sooner.....for my sake, he would have,  I feel like I contributed to his too-young death!

[scba]

Dear Mitch, it offers no confort, I know, but you dealt with the situation with the information you had in that moment. The what if don't have an answer. In your heart, below your pain that you feel now, you know you did all you can.

[scba]

8 minutes ago, WolfsKat said:

.....I will always be tormented by the "what-if's".....it isw my cross to bear....

[scba]

Dear WK, don't let this what if be your cross, because the guilty leads you to nowhere but to misery. It is a pointless cross, in my opinion. I hold your hand.

[brat#2]

I know Mitch, it is so very hard to think that you could have done more to save them.  But like it was said above, you dealt with it the best you could and with the information you had.  She didn't think she needed to go to the ER so you didn't because that is what she wanted.  I did get Dale to the ER, I called an ambulance to take him cause he couldn't walk (too weak) and was having trouble breathing, but it didn't help.  His bowel had perforated and there was nothing they could do, so he died of sepsis too (only it took him 5 more days).  We all feel we could have done more to save our loved ones, but we had already done all we could do.  I know that doesn't help the feelings we have and I'm sure we will continue to have those feelings, just hoping over time less of them.  Hugs

Joyce

[Margm]

You all, we second guess ourselves all the time.  some of the best doctors are on staff at teaching hospitals.  I retired from a state teaching hospital.  I was even involved in screening residents for a surgery service.  We took the best.  But I let Billy down taking him to this teaching hospital.  He had me choose and I feel I helped kill him.  They hurt him terribly.  In a survey I told them I would not recommend them for even an autopsy.  It was not a cost choice, they charge those with insurances more to help cover free care patients.  I honestly thought he would get the best care because a private clinic referred him to the head of neurosurg for the aneurysm.  But I cannot look back now, the game is over. 

And maybe because I have to climb out of this hole I find comfortable, facing the impossible mess with my mom and sister, my numbness has dissolved and I am vulnerable again.  My daughter today wrote how proud of me she was and how courageous I am in bad situations.  I feel like kids play-dough,

[kayc]

Mitch,

I didn't realize Patty Duke had died, I hadn't turned on the t.v. yet and my internet has been down all day, just got it back before dinner.

I can understand how you feel about the toothbrush, although by now, in my journey, pretty much everything has been disturbed.  It's all of those little things along the way, and they're hard to go through.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, I wish I could say something that would help.  I read all the replies and agree.  We can all go back and rethink what we did or how things happened and wonder.  Maybe in some we might have bought a day or two.  I don't know and never will.  All I can do is say I did the best I could looking at him, my options and how quickly these needed decisions.  

The Patty Duke story was one I hesitated reading.  Any stories about death I stop and think...should I do this to myself because it will send me back in time.  Do I need to add someone who was not close to me, nor did I have all the info people around them had to relive my situation.  Now I pretty much see the headlines and say no.  What good will it do me to know the details?  

This is where our minds are not our friends.  Places we should not invite them to.  Someone today at the nursing home was telling me about 2 other celebrities that died and thankfully only said thier age.  We will always, as we were before but weren't in such pain ourselves, hear about death.  We've been there already.  We still are.  I guess I kinda look at it as cancelled my 'milk dellivery' because I don't drink it anymore.

I hope you find some distance from this soon.   There are so many other places to revisit which are sad too, but they were of happier times.  

[kayc]

My sister said Patty's death was in the paper two days ago, don't know how I missed it but I'll have to go back and find it.

[hollowheart]

23 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Perhaps I could've saved his life.....I will always be tormented by the "what-if's".....it isw my cross to bear....even when he finally accepted that something was very wrong......and he was admitted to hospital, I truly thought that he would "learn his lesson" and listen to me in the future.....I had no clue that he would never return home, and would be lost to me in a few short weeks.  I find it so very hard to forgive myself for not forcing him to go in sooner.....for my sake, he would have,  I feel like I contributed to his too-young death!

Yes, me too. When I think of how I sat there staring at my sister basically unresponsive and discussing taking her in when she couldn't even wake up, let alone stand....I just feel like a fool and I will never forgive myself. I can't say I did everything I could because I did nothing.  Had I made her just go to hospital I bet she would be here now. When I hear of people surviving a triple bypass and their third stroke I think, why couldn't that be her? Then I realize it was about 90% my fault for not helping her.

When she needed me to help her, I failed her. And I can't get that moment back to set right.

[mittam99]

I know we all replay those last days, last hours and last moments in our heads, over and over. I certainly do. My emotions say I failed Tammy, that I should have known and recognized the signs. I should have done things differently. I made "mistakes". Emotionally, I think we are all way too hard on ourselves. We're not doctors; we're not God. We are just human beings that were madly in love with our soul mate.

We're looking for answers as to why our beloved died so tragically. Maybe looking for someone to blame; be it the doctors, God, fate, and in many cases ourselves. Emotions run high and often cloud our logical side. This happens to me often.

When my emotions calm, I start thinking things out with a clear head...

Fact #1: I'd NEVER want anything bad to happen to Tammy. She was all I had and all that made me happy.

Fact #2: During Tammy's last days and on March 6th,  I made decisions to the best of my ability based on the knowledge I had and based on the fact that I only wanted Tammy to be okay and to be with me forever. 

Fact #3: No matter how much we think we are in control and have a handle on things, the truth is, much in life is absolutely beyond our control.

Still though, it's easier said than done and in grief our emotional side often wins out over our logical one. Grief is so hard. The struggles are many. Unfortunately, none of it will bring our loved ones back.

March 6th was the worst day of my life but I can't let it define my life with Tammy. We had an amazing love story.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,

I blamed everyone when Al died..doctor, hospital and most of all ME.  Why didn't I see something the doctors missed?  We sure do not have control, or none of us would be here.

Gin

[KATPILOT]

That's a really good feeling you have about defining your life with Tammy. No single day ever defined years of being a couple least of all that day. There will come a time my friend when you will remember better times most of all.  I hear how you hit a low yesterday and that will happen. It happens to us all and the best thing you can say and I see you have realized this, is that it will pass.

I want to share a story about last evening that drives home a point. I was coming out of a restaurant having enjoyed a dinner with both of my sons and the grandchildren when on the sidewalk was a young man lying on the sidewalk surrounded by Scottsdale police officers. They were standing helpless to deal with the situation. You see this young man was lying in a fetal position with his hand over his face sobbing uncontrollably. A woman bystander or perhaps she was with him  took it upon herself to kneel down next to him trying to give some form of comfort. Being with all the grandchildren in a very tense situation, we moved on to the parking lot. Now I am going to ask all of you, what do you think?  You have been through hell and back and back and.......... you see this perhaps from a different perspective.  I wonder if what has happened to him wasn't unlike what has happened to us not so long ago. Thank god that happened to me when I was inside my own home because I had absolutely no control over my own body.

So we have bad days but they get softer. We have triggers but they don't sting so sharply. All as time goes by.  I look back at that time as the worst because I saw myself lying there but you see I am still standing and like you all, I will stumble and get up again no matter how many times it happens. It takes such courage to travel this journey. We should all have a badge for it and perhaps we do.

[Margm]

Gin and Mitch, I blamed the whole state of Arkansas.  After I get rid of that house I never even want to go over the state line.  I was born on the Louisiana side of the state line so my life borders Arkansas, but no matter, I blame the whole state.  I don't have to make sense.  I didn't before I lost Billy, so now I am certifiable.  People understand.

[kayc]

These are some really touching and profound posts.  Mitch, I like how you address yourself with the FACTS, and they're so spot on!  We all need to do that when we're letting our emotions win the argument with ourselves.

Margaret, I like how you say you don't have to make sense.  It's so true, when our emotions are involved, they don't have to make sense, they just "are".

Stephen, What I would have done with a stranger is probably different than I'd do with someone I know...seeing someone out of control like that, and you don't know if they're armed or what it's about, it's probably best to let trained responders deal with it, although we've all seen them botch it.  Babb (in Eugene) would be alive today if his family hadn't called for help...the police shot and killed him...unnecessarily.

Also, having children around, my first instinct would be to protect them from something you'd have a hard time explaining to them, there are some things they can't grasp at their young age and some things they shouldn't have to.

[mittam99]

52 minutes ago, Marg M said:

... so now I am certifiable. 

You and all the rest of us, Marg. Grief will do that.

[mittam99]

Some words of truth and wisdom for us on this journey of grief

[BillT]

Hello all.
Have not posted recently, but always reading.  Just feeling sad.  The weather has been gloomy too, which doesn't help.  The sun is shining this morning.  This house is silent.  If Mary Kay was here, she would be getting up about now.  We would be having breakfast and planning our day.  It would be another wonderful day of our retirement.  She might insist I go to town with her to run errands.  Most times she did.  Seeing that today is Saturday, I can be confident that a few garage sales would be on her agenda. We just had fun being together.

Maybe I will get the back yard mowed.

Today is the day that I go to orientation for volunteering at the animal shelter.  Tomorrow evening is when I go to the Grief group.  

Wishing you all a little bit of peace in your day today.

Love and prayers,

Bill

[mittam99]

Have any of you experienced this type of guilt? ...

I've posted many times about feelings of guilt related to Tammy's death. This post will be about guilt of another sort. About a week ago I was doing some chores and found myself whistling. And I started to feel guilty. Why? Tammy always loved when I whistled. She said I seemed like a happy little boy when I did. Uh oh, does this mean, I'm happy?  I started feeling guilty for the whistling and stopped.

Tammy loved to buy things. Shopping made her happy. On the other hand, I was a bit more practical. I knew we needed to cut back on the shopping sprees when Tammy lost her job due to illness. And there were times I had to ask Tammy to curtail the online shopping a bit.

Fast forward to my life today. I don't like shopping, never did. But, if I need something, I click on EBay or go to Amazon and have it delivered to my door. I've ordered everything from shoes and clothes to my recent purchase of an electric pole saw. And I feel so guilty! 

Do I feel guilty because I'm here and Tammy's not? Do I feel that I don't deserve any pleasure in this new life? 

Why do we torture ourselves like this? Is it just me?