kayc Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 I would have done the same thing...and handled it the same way. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Mitch, I'm slowly doing the same thing....The mention of the Fridge hits home, I got some stuff and magnetic Holders 7 years old off for good...But all the crafts and Grandkids stuff went back up.....Doctor /therapist appt cards all taken down and tossed.....it is a process... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Mitch, I am superstitious. I also love that big picture of Billy. He looks like he is being kept captive. I did, I kept him barefoot and pregnant for 54 wonderful, some bumpy roads, years. Now, this should make 667. A person that talks too much is described as having "diarrhea of the mouth." What do you call someone that types too much? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 My fridge is mine. There are things Steve gave me, but about the only I things I did ditch were outdated magnets of companies and a couple things from former friends that let me down. Lots of love type things are there, kinda tough to look at, but they have to stay. There is a mini chime on the freezer side that used to nail Steve for sneaking in there. That still gets to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Dale didn't like things on the fridge, so he put a bulletin board in the kitchen. It still has everything on it exactly as it was, mostly his stuff that he put up there. You are right, they have to stay for now. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 I almost hesitate posting about this because I'm so conflicted. I bought a new bed that has yet to be delivered, that happens Fruday. I found I am quite agitated about it. I'm replacing OUR bed. The old one is hard with my arthritis so it seemed logical with the need for sleep so important to try and remedy that. Buying it and making a heck of a deal with skills Steve taught me was kinda uplifting at the time. Now I want to cancel. Ive not made a purchase of this magnitude without him. So that feels odd. I know he would be saying, don't be silly. If that is what you want, do it. That is how it always was. My new car in 2010 was his idea. Tho that was overshadowed too as he wanted me to have something dependable when he was gone. Anyway, I am confused because most of the time in this old bed he had the cancer. But in removing that reminder I am removing those last years of being together as opposed to this waking alone. Yet I have been doing that for 15 months. Gawd, do these triggers ever end? It's just a bed. It will still be our room, our linens, his pillow. This frigging grief is like a magnifying glass.p on everything we do now. Refridgerators, beds, moving small personal belongings of theirs. It's no wonder that my anxiety is climbing. Sometimes those steps forward feel like a mile rather that a few inches and too much. I know I will do fine while it is changed out and then be left alone with it. I'm sure many can relate to how normally we can handle the physical task. Then we deal with another change alone. I thought about putting if off, but Steve would be pretty impressed at the deal I made. He would say....I taught you well, grasshopper. Plus, I don't know if this would ever get easier. Then I would be nagged by my brain I could have this done and over with. perhaps screaming I frustration would help? I really need a target to take out this craziness. If only I could shoot arrows as well as Katniss in the The Hunger Games. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Gwen, I see what you are saying. That was your bed, but keep in mind, he would want you to have it and hopefully you will be able to sleep better on it. Like you said you do still have the same linens and pillows, so he will still be there with you. I haven't had to make a major purchase without Dale yet, so I'm not sure how I will handle that, I'm sure I will be going through the same feelings you are. About 4 months ago I needed so new sandals and felt guilty for getting them, but I could hear Dale in my head, just like Steve, if you want or need them buy them!! He use to get so mad at me because I wouldn't buy things when I wanted/needed them and wait and think it over, that would drive him nuts. I'm sure he is proud of you for the deal you made and will be happy when you get it. Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Gwen, For me it wasn't the bed as much as the bedding. When we moved to the Valley we got a new bed for the apartment. It is the most comfortable bed I've had. In Pinetop we had a water bed but over time the weight was too much for our flooring so we converted it to a California King but it was never a good sleep after the conversion. After I moved back to Pinetop I got rid of the old bed and kept the new one. The bedding though had to go even though it was new. It was a major trigger. I do understand how many things that seem insignificant can be such major hurdles. Triggers come out of nowhere; don't they? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted March 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Gwen, let's face it, we're going to be conflicted by virtually every change we make. It really boils down to doing what is best for you. If that bed is making it uncomfortable for you and it's exacerbating your arthritis, then you're doing what you need to do. A bed is a major change that can certainly cause all sorts of grief triggers. Steve would be proud of you and smiling seeing you incorporate his skills (in this case negotiating a price) into your life. This is all new territory for all of us. Each step we take big and small, is a challenge. It seems to me though, each of these challenges helps us grow and adapt to this life we didn't choose. Mitch 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Today is my 54th birthday. In the shower this morning, I realized that I am now older than my husband, and it hurts so much. I appreciated all the Happy Birthday wishes from colleagues, friends and family...but it is hard to be Happy when the major thing in life that brought you happiness is gone. It is hard to feel the day is special. As I sit here typing these words, and wiping away tears, my Pongo sits next to me and looks at me with the sweetest eyes. He somehow understands. I read these words I write, and I try not to allow myself to judge...it is easy to sound like I feel sorry for myself. I don't want people to pity me, I just want them to understand I hurt and that I am not looking for them to try and fix it. Nothing can fix it. You have to SAY it OUTLOUD sometimes that you hurt, because keeping it in seems to make it grow bigger. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Froggie...it sure is a horrible journey we are on, isn't it? gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 15 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said: Today is my 54th birthday. In the shower this morning, I realized that I am now older than my husband, and it hurts so much. Maryann... I know it's a very hard day and it doesn't feel like anything really special anymore. I hope the next year brings you some measure of comfort. Mitch 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 6 hours ago, Marg M said: Mitch, I am superstitious. I also love that big picture of Billy. He looks like he is being kept captive. I did, I kept him barefoot and pregnant for 54 wonderful, some bumpy roads, years. Now, this should make 667. A person that talks too much is described as having "diarrhea of the mouth." What do you call someone that types too much? A run on typist ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Yep, I like that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 34 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said: Today is my 54th birthday. In the shower this morning, I realized that I am now older than my husband, and it hurts so much. New computer, I don't know how to put on quotes. Hope for a sunny day birthday Maryann. I don't know how to wish this. Of course you are not happy. But, I sincerely hope that one of these days we will find some measure of happiness. My heart is with you my friend. I signed all the Easter cards with Billy's name first. I will forever do that because his retirement went into buying them as much as mine did. Again, I know it cannot be happy, but that is what I wish one day for us both, and all the other good people here. But, I will always consider Billy two years older than me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Gwen, When George died I started sleeping in the recliner as the bed is just an empty reminder...so maybe you're doing the right thing by making it something different just for you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Maryann, Happy Birthday! I started out older than George, but it hits me that I now look way older than we did when he died. That hits me when I look at our pictures. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Maryann, the special days are so hard without them. I know my birthday will never be anything spcial anymore. I only hope that memories of ones you had with him can sustain you. It's all we have, but at least we have that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Thank you, Kay, Mitch, Joyce and Brad. I spoke with my counselor and she said I should maybe mourn the bed. Not exactly sure how to do that. It's not like he will ever sleep in it again. Perhaps dredging up all the horrid memories of operations and convalescing. Hate to go there. On the other hand, his place will still be there. Still feel wierd. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 "Mourn the bed" What does that mean? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Gwen, sure you will still feel weird, it's hard to make a major change and know that he will never be there for it. I'm not sure how to mourn a bed either, maybe just give it a kiss and say goodbye before they exchange it for the new one???? Joyce Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Are you getting rid of it totally or just moving it to a different room? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 You can "mourn the bed" in any way that feels right to you. The idea is to create some sort of ritual that has meaning for you. It can be as simple as Joyce suggests, or as elaborate as your imagination will allow. Our friend Elaine Mansfield is a master at this. Read more on how she suggests creating rituals here: Grief Ritual Archives 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Another wave has hit. The loneliness is tearing out my heart. Just going to the grocery store crushes my soul as my sweetheart will never hold my hand as we shop. No more driving "up the hill" to town to run errands together, stopping for her favorite - tacos. No more hearing her exclaim "There is a garage sale!". Where my heart is is just a tremendous ache. Tears coursing down. Lost. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Bill,. I know what you mean. My husband loved his garden. I want nothing more to do with it. We worked so hard together and loved the flowers and all the beans, tomatoes, peppers. Now all it does is make me cry. We used to sit outside after dinner and admire how it all looked. No more. You would think that after almost 6 months, I might be better. I am not. It is a hard road. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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