It hurts so bad

[brat#2]

Thank you Kevin.  That was great that you were able to donate clothes that someone else desperately needed.  My "spring" cleaning was just washing down walls, curtains and getting to all the corners.  However, I do plan on going through my clothes soon and that will feel good to give to people who can use them.  Not sure when I will be able to that with Dale's clothes, but they aren't causing me any problems staying where they are.

Joyce

[mittam99]

11 hours ago, kevin said:

What I'm saying Brat#2, its pretty easy to move your husbands belongings to a good cause if you move some of your own....you do feel good about it.........Good plan to repeat this every few years......good luck Kevin 

Kevin,

For me and many others it's just not always that easy. Getting rid of my stuff is no biggie whatsoever. On the other hand, my beloved Tammy's belongings aren't so easy to part with. Emotionally, it's very difficult. I mean, I've lost my wife and I've lost the life filled with love I once had. That was the life I wanted and needed. Getting rid of Tammy's clothes or others items (even to a good cause) takes away a measure of comfort that I need. Maybe it's a form of denial in some way but I'm not ready to deal with the anguish of it. I figure, those items aren't hurting anything staying here, right?

Everyone is different, of course. Maybe some people are bothered seeing their spouses things. Maybe for some it's a reminder of what they've lost and for them, it's painful. Just like everything in grief, there's no rulebook. Well, there is one rule... just do what's best for you and your fragile emotions.

Mitch

[Froggie4635]

It's kind of the same thing as people who put out pictures of their loved ones, or have their shirts made into a quilt.  I know there are times if I purposely do not try and think about Mark being gone...if I don't look at photos or listen to music.  But how realistic would it be to do that for the rest of my life?  I would have to live in a vacuum.  The idea of trying to move on to a life where I don't hurt like I do now terrifies me.  I've gotten so used to feeling muddled in my life...where I don't give much thought to too much besides those things I need to accomplish every day to maintain...those things that help me to continue to stand and not curl up into a ball.  I get tired of those who think I should be better by now.  I get tired of the pressure I put on myself to BE better by now.  There are times when the dark thoughts come out, and I have to fight to make them go away...with a smile on my face.  I get tired of people telling me or reading all those POSITIVE sayings that my loved one would not want me to be sad and to find sunshine.  Mark would not want me to be in pain, but it would be his wish....with no basis on how it really feels to be without the person you love so much that it hurts.  I am simply venting right now because I am without my protective fog and so many emotions are hitting me all at once and my first impulse is to run...but it all comes along anyway. There is a part of me that wants so badly to just walk away from everything and start fresh somewhere else...where no one knows me or my scars.  

[mittam99]

27 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

I get tired of those who think I should be better by now.  I get tired of the pressure I put on myself to BE better by now. 

Maryann, we all have those well intentioned  people in our lives that think grief has some sort of timetable. Try to grin and bear that the best you can. You and I both know that unless they've walked in our shoes, they haven't a clue.

And please, please, please stop pressuring yourself!!  This new life sucks bad enough without the added stress of self-induced pressure and expectations.

((((((hugs))))))

Mitch

 

[kayc]

So true, Mitch!  I know for the first few years his picture came down, up, down, up...according to which brought me pain & which brought me comfort.  They finally stayed up as I love looking at his face (he is, BTW, looking younger the older I get).  I look at the picture on the wall of us, and I remember him driving all the way to Eugene to buy a shirt (120 mile round trip) to match my dress...now it's a memory.  

It's important to do what feels right for US, not what others think or put on us.  This is, after all, OUR relationship, OUR journey, and our grief.

[scba]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

 I gred of the pressure I put onyself to BE better by now.  There are times when the dark thoughts come out, and I have to fight to make them go away...with a smile on my face.  I get tired of people telling me or reading all those POSITIVE sayings that my loved one would not want me to be sad and to find sunshine.  There is a part of me that wants so badly to just walk away from everything and start fresh somewhere else...where no one knows me or my scars.  

I am told about finding positive things cause that's what my BF would want. I wonder how he would expect that, taking into account the following:

 

 

*I cannot hear him

*I don't know if he is well, what does he do, where is he, who is with him

*I don't know Anything about him and his state, if such a thing exists

*I cannot feel him, touch him, see him, hold him

*Our dreams were destroyed

*my heart has a huge wound 

*his death traumatized me

And all of this is going on without him in the only way I know, in a human way. 

[hollowheart]

SCBA, I agree with all those points you just made. I still get angry when someone asks me what my sister would want. You know what she would want? She would to be alive and here laughing and joking with me like we used to do.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, scba!  You did it again.  Your list is right on of the things I think about and especially about being traumatized.  I've started using that word when talking to people now to TRY and get a little understanding across.  They think oh...lonely, depressed, sad, etc and it is so much more than that.  The other is not knowing if he does exist anymore and if one more person tries to tell me he does I will scream!  We don't know.  I only know he 'lives' in my memories, that's it.  How can I know he still loves me?  It isn't possible to know, and that is where faith and individual feelings come in.  I wish I could feel as others do that there is a presence, but I don't.  So.....lots of confusion on my path.

[hollowheart]

22 hours ago, TH said:

Absolutely this... I feel like there is this huge "before" and "after" divide, and I struggle to reconcile anything from before with the now.

It's very hard for me to remember how things were in the "before". I have thoughts of things I did in the past, how 'carefree' (to a degree) I was and everything was right with the world. Getting a better job and buying a car were my main concerns and I could live with that, as aggravating as they were. Those were fixable problems.

Now "After" is just a feeling of hopelessness and unhappiness. Nothing can be "fixed" and I do walk around feeling very out of place among people. I know I"m not the only one that has lost someone tragically, but most days that's how I feel. Very alone and lonely.

[mittam99]

A small list of things not to say to someone who is grieving...

"They would want you to……"

 "It was their time…"

 "It's been a year; you should be over this by now."

 "They're in a better place."

 "Time will heal this…"

 "They lived such a full life in the time they were given."

 "It's time for you to move on."

 "I know someone who lost their spouse and within three years they were happily remarried and….."

"Don't you think it's time you got over this?"

 "You must be devastated! If I lost my spouse I would kill myself!"

"At least you had the chance to say goodbye."
"At least they went quickly and it was painless."

"God wanted them back."

"It's just a part of life."

"Their work here was done."

"When you're ready I have a great guy/gal for you."

"They would not want you moping around the house like this."

Those are just a few. I'm sure each of you has heard many more things that make you cringe.

[brat#2]

Oh all the platitudes you get, they make me want to scream at those people, "wait until you have to go through this!!!"  Of course, I don't wish this on anyone, but it will happen someday and then they will understand.

Ana - you did hit some of the questions I'm always asking myself, I wish I had the answers for all of us.

Joyce

[iheartm]

It was four months ago today that we had to call 911. That means four months ago today I spoke my last words to him without knowing they would be the last. It has been a very rough day for me. Since yesterday I have been inconsolable. I am hesitant to reach out to friends anymore because even though they are very understanding, I think this was more an event for them to be sad and grieve and move on while for me it has been a life altering, never be the same again kind of thing. I cannot blame them for not having the intense grief that I have so I grieve alone and feel the weight crushing me to the core. 

[scba]

Dear Iheartm, it was a rough day for me too, I understand, I hold your hand.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, iheartm said:

I cannot blame them for not having the intense grief that I have so I grieve alone and feel the weight crushing me to the core. 

That is truly the worst because the loneliness is so intensified.  We are here, but the pain you feel is so deep and personal.  Don't know if it helps, but we all understand.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch.....how about.....everything happens for a reason?   That one really gets to me.  

[scba]

6 hours ago, hollowheart said:

SCBA, I agree with all those points you just made. I still get angry when someone asks me what my sister would want. You know what she would want? She would to be alive and here laughing and joking with me like we used to do.

Very well said, they would want to be alive. 

This is my very personal thought of that phrase. One, people really don't know what to say that can help us, so they came up with that. Secondly, there is the idea that our pain is caused by our thoughts, we are in m pain because we are thinking a lot about it, if we stop thinking it will leave us. If we think what they would want, we will stop grieving, cause we can control and direct our thoughts, thus our emotions. I know that my pain comes from my heart, not from my mind. I've just arrived to this journey, my emotions are all over the place, clearly displayed or very hidden, but they are hanging around. 

[Gwenivere]

58 minutes ago, scba said:

 there is the idea that our pain is caused by our thoughts, we are in m pain because we are thinking a lot about it

But this is true!  Who wouldn't be thinking about losing the love of their life?  That people don't get that because they want us to move along quicker is their problem.  This is when I use selective hearing when others tell me about my personal journey.

[mittam99]

It's simply a fact. No one in this world has any idea of exactly what you are going through emotionally. They may think they know but they don't. Each one of our journeys is unique and totally ours to experience, our way. Members of this forum do have an understanding of the pain of grief. The loneliness. The anguish. The anger. The guilt. We do share many common bonds. Even so, everyone's grief is different. Everyone's relationship with their lost love was different.

That's why I'm learning to "tune out" those well meaning people that say those ridiculous, cliche things about your grief. Early on, it would upset me (well, it still does) and I would try to "plead my case" with them. I realized it just wasn't worth getting upset about because those people just don't understand.

Grief is a learning experience for all of us. Yes, it seems like one lonely, sad and dismal day leads to another. But, along the way, we are changing. Maybe the changes are tiny but I know it my case, I am slowly (very slowly) learning to adapt to this new life. Not that I'm enjoying it in any way though.

------------

Tammy changed my life in so many ways. She made me feel special and so loved. When she said the word husband, I felt so proud to be her man. I was so lucky she choose me to spend her life with. And it's so painful to know she had less than 46 years on this earth.

So, I'm living this life, one day at a time. I'm existing. Doing the best I can one moment to another.

Tammy is in my heart, in my head and in my soul forever.

 

[hollowheart]

On March 24, 2016 at 5:13 PM, brat#2 said:

Oh all the platitudes you get, they make me want to scream at those people, "wait until you have to go through this!!!"  Of course, I don't wish this on anyone, but it will happen someday and then they will understand.

Joyce

My mom just told me about a neighbor finding her mother dead yesterday. She said this same neighbor had called a couple of other neighbors to come gawk at our house when our tragedy happened and when they were taking my sister out a couple of them were all standing there all excited asking my Ma what happened and my mom said she wanted to punch them in the face. 

Now, that lady had the same thing happen. Ambulance and fire dept. outside her house and a neighbor said she was screaming and crying. It will come back to you. 

[hollowheart]

21 hours ago, scba said:

Very well said, they would want to be alive. 

This is my very personal thought of that phrase. One, people really don't know what to say that can help us, so they came up with that. Secondly, there is the idea that our pain is caused by our thoughts, we are in m pain because we are thinking a lot about it, if we stop thinking it will leave us. If we think what they would want, we will stop grieving, cause we can control and direct our thoughts, thus our emotions. 

They also assume we can "think differently" and all will be OK. Think happy thoughts, think of the good times, think of what they would want for us, think of our futures. I agree that they don't know what to say so they say this but we can't "think" out pain away. 

I'm not trying to stay sad but, God, EVERY SINGLE DAY is a reminder she is gone. I can't think of anything else. It's excruciating. 

[mittam99]

hh...

I wish I could ease your pain.

Those reminders will always be there, it's just unavoidable. And it's not just the things you see and hear or even touch. We could move to the planet Jupiter and I guarantee most of our thoughts would be about our lost loved one (that and figuring out if there's is any food or water on the planet). It's truly overwhelming.

I've been on the journey now for a little under 55 weeks. I still never know what will trigger an outburst of tears. Grief, like life is so unpredictable. But, I have seen some changes. Today for example. It turned into a gorgeous, breezy,  sunny day. Months ago, I wouldn't even have cared or noticed. But today, on my way to the kitchen, I looked outside and said "wow, what a beautiful day" out loud. And then a bit of guilt went through my mind. Why am I here and Tammy's not?

Even though Tammy's gone I still draw strength from her strength. I find myself seeing things from her point of view more than ever. As much as I ache because she isn't here, memories of my life with Tammy often serve as a source of comfort. And yet, it's those same memories of happy times that cause the tears to flow.

Grieving a lost love is not only painful, it's confusing at times. There's no map for "success", there's no timetable and nothing about it is easy. 

All you can do is wake up, splash some water on your face, brush your teeth (deororant is probably good, too) and take the day as it comes.

 

[iPraiseHim]

SCBA,

 I too, thought life would somehow get better or at least stable but I find that is just not the case.  All of the people "I THOUGHT" would be compassionate, caring, and helpful weren't.  You would think that other people who have lost their spouses would be supportive but I've found just the opposite.  Other people would tell me just get over it and move on.  Everyone here knows that we are the ones that don't just forget about what happened and move on.  This is a deep and profound loss. I find that I continue to rehash and open up to the deeper hurt and pain that is inside my heart that I was not even aware of.  I thought I have cried enough, hurt enough and I should be over this by now....

Well,  apparently my heart  doesn't work like that.  All I know is sometimes I'm flat knocked out, other times I am just hanging and holding on to make it through another day.  I cling to the fact that there are new mercies each morning.  If today is a bad day then I hope tomorrow will be better one .  I had no choice as to my wife's time of death. Since I am still alive there must be more for me to learn, do, help and grow.... even when I don't feel like it.  I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know who brings tomorrow. 

Please, come back here often.  This is were I feel sane in an insane world because people here love and care for each other.  We are all going through this grief journey separately yet together.  I have learned much more here, expressed more here; good or bad; tears and pain to people that feel like they understand.  Most ordinary people don't get this because they haven't gone through this and are not desperate enough to reach out and share their pain and grief and joy with others.  Shalom

[scba]

Thank you very much George. There is nothing more I can add that you haven't just said. I will continue to come here for sure cause I am thankful I found this place. Shalom

[mittam99]

15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 I have learned much more here, expressed more here; good or bad; tears and pain to people that feel like they understand. 

There is no doubt that Marty's forum and the people in it are a godsend. Look, if we had the choice we would've never had to join here. Unfortunately, that wasn't our choice and the pain, confusion and trauma of our losses brought us here. I for one have gotten far more out of my time here than I did with my grief counselor. That's not to say grief counseling is a bad thing, it isn't. But the experience there varies greatly and depends on the quality of the counselor to a large extent.

Here at the forum we are free to speak of our feelings and inner thoughts knowing that others "get it". And importantly, people here aren't judging us. This place is a little online oasis helping us deal with our gut wrenching grief journey.

[kayc]

Mitch, you and I just didn't get good ones (grief counselors) but I wholeheartedly believe in the help they provide...had I been in a city with some to choose from, I would have found another one but I was unable to travel 100+ miles for one.