A circle of friends.

[R.Everit55]

"sometimes being hurt so much changes you so fast only the people around you that care can see that you have changed... hold onto those friends who helped you..."

this had no author.  It was anonymous but sure rings true to all of us who've been hurt so deeply and it seems only those who understand the most are all who relate to the hurt.  All of us here.  

Love,

Butch

[Margm]

Agree 100% Butch.  

[Dew's Girl]

I find that in the almost 18 months since Daniel left, I've grown apart from almost all of our friends.  They were kind, but they wanted to move on with their lives and not talk about Daniel all the time.  I was jealous of their luck at still having their spouses and it was hard to be around them.

I want to find friends who have walked this road and understand.  

[R.Everit55]

In the almost 18 months since losing my Mary I lost some pretty good friends because they have no clue what I'm going through. It's like they don't have any interest in knowing.  I almost have felt like a have a disease or something.  It is what it is I guess.  I have one or two friends left.  And that's ok with me.  I don't want anyone who wants to pretend I didn't lose my wife.  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, R.Everit55 said:

 I don't want anyone who wants to pretend I didn't lose my wife.  

That has been the biggest shock to me - the number of people I encounter who choose to ignore the fact that I have lost my world.  It is easier to go on their merry way than to acknowledge that Deedo is no longer here.

[R.Everit55]

Brad, yes and it's a sad thing when "friends" treat us that way.  

[Margm]

Butch, I must be so old.  I am so sorry your friends treat you like that.  I think because most of my friends have all lost their husbands, they just plain understand what I am going through.  I told one that I was having such a hard time because I did not want to  get rid of anything that was Billy's.  She has been widowed 7-8 years, but she told me "I totally understand.  You will go through them when you feel you are ready."  

Maybe that is the difference in our friends.  Mine have already lost, so they understand.  I have two close friends that have not lost their husbands yet.  After Billy left one of my friends completely disappeared.  The other one calls me a "steel magnolia."  Both of these friends, the one that disappeared mostly, are afraid of what I am going through.  I completely understand.  I see older couples together in town or in the stores.  I just have to hang my head because one is gonna hurt so bad.  

A couple of acquaintances of one of my friends had a motorcycle accident, no helmets, both taken off life support at the same time.  

I am leaving this little mountain town.  It is not home.  But, the people are my friends.  Anything happened at my house and I would call city hall.  The mayor is wonderful.  Yesterday I called and did not get her.  Her husband had just died of a heart attack.  My own heartfelt feelings are with  this woman.  Five widows on this short circular street.  I want to be where the world goes on without me knowing about it.  I want to be that mythic ostrich.  

[R.Everit55]

I have one friend who was close to Mary and she checks in on me frequently.  She lost her husband several years ago so she gets it.  

[Margm]

I think they all might "get it" Butch, but we represent something they fear and don't want to talk about with us.  Those that do "get it" are the ones that hang around after the music has stopped playing.  We don't even have to talk, they understand without us saying anything.  And those on this forum, we are the ones we can put into words and they appear in black and white.  That is our world right now.  To me, this town, this state, that is where Billy left me.  I want to  go back to where we both were alive.  I will be alone, I am alone here, but he left me here and I hate this place.  Reality is hell sometimes.  I have a granddaughter that I live for though, and you have three grandchildren you live for too.  It might not be enough, but right now it is all we have.  

[R.Everit55]

Grief is not a sign of weakness -- it's the price of love. ❤️

[R.Everit55]

I'm so lost right now.  I posted what sounds like nonsense in my passing of mom thread.  But I feel like I just lost My Mary too.  Again.  The world is going on while we all grieve.  How why.  

[MartyT]

Current loss nearly always reawakens a past one, Butch, and these are significant losses ~ the two most important women in your life. I know it doesn't help to ease the pain, but it may help to know that what you're feeling is normal. I'm so sorry. My heart just hurts for you . . .  ♥

[R.Everit55]

Thank you.  Mary would make this better for me if she were here.  But I glad they have each other.   They had a special bond.   I may not speak at the service Tuesday.  I feel like I will fall apart.  My son is going to speak.  

[kayc]

Marty is so right. When we get hit with a new loss it's like all of the previous ones are fresher too.

[Clematis]

That is SO true! I just had a scare-my accountant has not done my dad's taxes or sent the check I gave him for my dad's taxes to the IRS, or corresponded with me and I panicked. Someone at his office said that someone handling my dad's taxes left due to a terminal illness, someone else working on it left for some other reason, but she didn't say who died. Later I thought-what if it was Marc!?!?! I've already lost my dad, my aunt, my friend Tim, and my beloved painting teacher in the last 6 months-and my chiropractor that I and everyone in town loved a few years ago. I can't stand it if Marc is gone too! But I started looking around and he posted something on FB less than 2 weeks ago, so it sounds like he's just having staffing problems, and he'll call me soon no doubt.

[scba]

I relate too to the loss of friends on top of everything. I try my best to fit again in the regular topics of conversation and I can't. I want people to know that I'm not fine and I end up talking about sad issues, when issues here are about engagements and maternity. I end up feeling that I belong to a convent. I know I should be just me but I am paying the cost of feeling worse afterwards. I really don't know how to handle the social aspect of my life. 

 

[scba]

Moreover, my best friend, who was also my BF's friend, has took a break from me. I have been the one who lately took the initiative and has contacted her many times, and she has replied me with short conversation. Surely I remind her of her own pain. Surely she is at odds. I understand that and I hope that time will reunite us again. However, I feel hurt because what happened is not my fault and my pain is no my fault.

I did nothing to become a woman to be avoided. Is this too the price I pay for having loved someone who died? 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

On June 24, 2016 at 6:43 PM, R.Everit55 said:

I'm so lost right now.  I posted what sounds like nonsense in my passing of mom thread.  But I feel like I just lost My Mary too.  Again.  The world is going on while we all grieve.  How why.  

I honestly don't believe I've read anything on here that I would consider as nonsense.  We are all just sharing our thoughts and feelings and those are not nonsense.  Thoughts and feelings are constantly changing as our grief is changing.  We believe something one day and the next day it can change yet each of those beliefs or thoughts are valid.  They are not to be judged by anyone as they are our own, for ourselves.

Do not feel like you should be apologizing for having a loving heart.  I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers Butch.  

[kayc]

I didn't consider it nonsense either.  Our feelings are real, our grief is real, our loss is profound.

[Clematis]

Although we all have different situations with variations in support and resources, we all are under the burden lot only of profound loss, but enormous changes in our situations, routines, patterns of functioning, and everything else you can think of because a really significant person that we absolutely depended on is permanently missing. Each in our own way, we are all staggering around trying to cope.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, scba said:

I did nothing to become a woman to be avoided. Is this too the price I pay for having loved someone who died? 

 Sadly, we become reminders to people of possibilities they dint want to think about, much as we didn't either before it happened to us.  Also, people not experienced in deep loss think time works faster than it does to 'heal'.  And we will never do that fully.  And yes, in my experience, this is the price we pay.  What is sometimes hard for me to decide is was it worth it.  There have been some very dark times I say no.  But the thought of never having known my man outweigh those times are too numerous to count.

[KATPILOT]

3 hours ago, Clematis said:

 Each in our own way, we are all staggering around trying to cope.

Good words Laura. Describes us all pretty well.

 

On ‎6‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 6:35 PM, R.Everit55 said:

Grief is not a sign of weakness -- it's the price of love. ❤️

A great truth Butch and if we remember that, our tears will never burn so badly. When I have meltdowns and yes I still have them, I remember the reason  I hurt so badly and in a small way, it helps.

[Margm]

"No matter what new adventure come, there is still that cavern, that deep river valley, that runs alongside everything. That loss doesn't leave." Megan Devine.

I am glad that this woman's blog comes to my email.  Some Freudian slip of my short circuited brain stops me when I looked for her site.  I would always put "Refuge in Guilt" instead of "grief."  When I first read something of hers I was not sure about who she was..  You see, going to a counselor, talking to a shrink about problems that I might be having, I want someone who has experienced the flames.  Otherwise, I don't trust them.  The psychiatrist I visited for 15 years was a teacher at my hospital in the psychiatric department.  I went to one of her students, a third year resident who actually tried the method of "transference" on me in a way I was not comfortable with.  While I was fighting the guilt for what I had done, thinking my cancer was caused from my "sins" and losing my two best friends and dad to cancer in a lump sum of time, the method this student doc was using was very disturbing.  So, I went to his teacher's office in town.  She had been through the flames.  She was bipolar like my kids and my dad, so I trusted her.  

I find my "circle of friends" and teachers have all suffered loss of  some kind.  Life itself is a good/bad teacher. 

Anyhow, Megan Devine has been through the flames, her words hit home, she is a good writer if you need help by reading.  Sometimes help does come by reading, but I find I have to be in desperate circumstances for reading to help me.  I have been in those desperate circumstances often this past less than a year.  This time last year, we had no idea Billy was even sick.  Maybe that is why we never received a bill from his doctor that was doing blood work and physicals twice a year.  But then again, I have put this blame on so many things, taken it upon myself mostly, but when it comes down to it only three words are true.  Born, live, die. .  If we are lucky we have some time in between those three words.  We would not be on this forum without love thrown in there somewhere. 

[KATPILOT]

You have a really good point Marg. "The right tool for the job". The guys that work on my car are great mechanics but they would be clueless working on my plane. Psychology is very much the same. My uncle who chaired the Psych department at Oklahoma now days in retirement leads a group for addiction. I love the man dearly but he has not experienced a loss like I have.  He writes a newsletter every day and so not to hurt his feelings, I stay on his email list along with the patients he works with and of course other family members. Today his letter had this in it:

"Going to recovery group is like going to the dentist. If you don't open your mouth, nothing gets fixed. Attending support groups is like taking a philosophy course; you get out of them what you put into them. Sure some information can be picked up and absorbed by passive listening, yet being actively involved creates much more learning. Active listening helps too. Listen to what is said; but also make an active effort to apply that to your own recovery situation. In a nutshell be involved in your support group. It doesn't cost anything to pay attention."

Now he is dealing with drug and alcohol addiction. I started to say out loud when I was reading this  "What!  Wait a minute uncle Larry. That doesn't..............." , then thought to myself I'm not in his addiction group. I don't think I belong there. Would he be able to help me? Not as well as a grief counselor and even then, some are better than others.

Much of what he put in that newsletter is not correct for everyone but sometimes it's quite beneficial to read and listen. This grief support site is a group any way you look at it. Over the last several hours I have read of members not speaking but coming here and reading early in their grief. Boy was that me.  Those sleepless nights when the demons would come, I would be on here reading. I was actually being saved without much of a reply. I was reading suggested articles and picking up tools for survival all without opening my mouth to the dentist. The nice thing is that no one can see you listening but not being able to speak so embarrassment is not a problem. It's not easy for some to talk live in a group. Certainly it wasn't easy for me at first.

If someone needs a counselor, remember this point. If it doesn't feel right, it's not right. Hard as it may be, you owe it to yourself to look further. If you are going to work on your heart, pick up the right tool for the job.

[Margm]

Well, Steve, I am glad you did more than read.  I remember being in a panic at one point when someone mentioned that older grievers, and I don't mean that by age, I mean that by "grief in years" might need to leave.  I still remember, and I think it was from you, the "one size does not fit all."  Not sure if it was you, but "grabbing for anything when your falling off a cliff" I do think was yours.  Whether they were or they were not, the people who have been our teachers on this terrible terrain path we must walk, only because you have walked the same path before us, you all are needed.  You all have been through the flames and I for one would hate to lose any single person off this forum that has helped me, and I know if this old dog can learn to chase a stick, the younger ones can also.  Please, all you experienced flame walkers, please stay to help us all.