KATPILOT Posted August 3, 2016 Report Share Posted August 3, 2016 When you have traveled this road long enough, you come to understand how true this statement is. I had no idea what my life would become or if I would forget, become used to, succumb, or what. I look back from where I've come and it 's such a dark place I can no longer see the beginning. I move forward toward the light when suddenly the dark clouds form and the light fades. Then after the rain lets up, I pick myself up and walk again toward the forming light for the fact is I can never go back. Nor would I want to. Oh you guys, I miss her so much. I know you feel the same way. I'm not always sad. It just rains sometimes. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted August 3, 2016 Report Share Posted August 3, 2016 Stephen, I feel the same. Some days are just horrible. I think I am doing OK and then it hits hard again. Tomorrow Al will be gone 10 months. Seems like forever and it also seems like yesterday! Don't know how I made it this long. Gin 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted August 3, 2016 Report Share Posted August 3, 2016 Imagine where we'll be tomorrow. I have to tell you Gin that time often feels as if it's standing still while there are times when it seems to pass so quickly. Ten months was a time for me that seemed to stand still. I didn't think I could feel any lower and I had no answers after all those months of searching. Could it be that I was so preoccupied with finding out "why" that I failed to see that there WAS no answer? In the end, it didn't even matter. Then I spent a lot of time sitting with no place to go in my life. When you stop, time does too. When you are busy, it cooks. As the months and years go by, you may still look back and wonder how you made it that far but in truth, you did. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted August 3, 2016 Report Share Posted August 3, 2016 Stephen, I live in the big city. When I was a kid, many years ago, we always sat outside on the front steps. No A/C. Today I looked out and there was no one. There must be at least 40 houses and there was no one in front or back. It emphasizes the aloneness that I feel, even in the midst of people. Most of the people I knew are long gone. There are maybe 8 families I know, but A/C keeps everyone (including me) isolated. I guess I should have been more social these last years. It was hard when I was working. Excuses!! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 17 hours ago, Gin said: Seems like forever and it also seems like yesterday! I remember thinking that too...now I can honestly say it seems like forever ago. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 16 hours ago, Gin said: I guess I should have been more social these last years. We didn't need to be when they were here, we had each other. Although George and I did socialize, but our 'friends" all disappeared after he died. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 18 hours ago, Gin said: Stephen, I feel the same. Some days are just horrible. I think I am doing OK and then it hits hard again. Tomorrow Al will be gone 10 months. Seems like forever and it also seems like yesterday! Don't know how I made it this long. Gin Gin, I'm thinking of you today and truly hoping that the pain is more tolerable today than it was yesterday, and that with each new day you find relief from your deep pain. 17 hours ago, Gin said: Stephen, I live in the big city. When I was a kid, many years ago, we always sat outside on the front steps. No A/C. Today I looked out and there was no one. There must be at least 40 houses and there was no one in front or back. It emphasizes the aloneness that I feel, even in the midst of people. Most of the people I knew are long gone. There are maybe 8 families I know, but A/C keeps everyone (including me) isolated. I guess I should have been more social these last years. It was hard when I was working. Excuses!! I so get the social thing. When you are with your special person you have no need for others. We did socialize a bit before we made our 15 mile move. I guess relationships were not as strong as I had thought. Being an outcast is so hard. I would rather have people say the wrong thing than to spend so much time in segregation. I am amazed and awed by all the wonderful people on here. Honest folks who bravely reveal their experiences. As we are all at varying times in this journey there is always someone who I can relate to and that is so important. Who else is going to tell me it's okay to act as I do or to say what I say and feel what I feel? To those rough days past I say, 'goodbye, I survived you this time and when I have to I will survive you again.' To the rough days to come I say, 'and this too shall pass, nothing lasts forever.' I love you husband dear. Not a great photo but that is ok. He was helping me last year in June with a blanket repair. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 18 hours ago, Gin said: Tomorrow Al will be gone 10 months. Seems like forever and it also seems like yesterday! Don't know how I made it this long. Gin - you are in my thoughts today and I feel the same, I don't know how I've made it almost 13 months. Sending you hugs 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 Marita and Kay - we were like you, we didn't socialize a lot, had a few friends we did things with, but didn't need anyone else, we had each other. It still amazing me though the few friends we did have now don't have anything to do with me. I guess that is another part of grief that you don't know about it until you are in it. Again, however, the people here are wonderful, understanding and know what I'm feeling. Thank you Joyce 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted August 4, 2016 Report Share Posted August 4, 2016 16 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said: To those rough days past I say, 'goodbye, I survived you this time and when I have to I will survive you again.' To the rough days to come I say, 'and this too shall pass, nothing lasts forever.' I love you husband dear. I love this. You're right Marita. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing except that last part. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharKath Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 Here it is Thursday and I don't feel any better. Trying to "outwork" grief isn't working, but keeps me busy. I get up at 6, do my hour of chores and go to the neighbors to help with his rental house. Work till 7 or 8 and then come home to this lonely place and do my long chores of an hour and half. Tonight the tears started again as soon as I pulled in the drive and continued until I had finished chores. My neighbor goes home to his wife, my friend goes home to her husband and I no longer have anyone. Just wish I'd die so I could go find Charley. This is just a mood I suppose, work is just 6 1/2 hours away and I can do this all over again. Grief is exhausting. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 1 hour ago, CharKath said: Here it is Thursday and I don't feel any better. Trying to "outwork" grief isn't working, but keeps me busy. I get up at 6, do my hour of chores and go to the neighbors to help with his rental house. Work till 7 or 8 and then come home to this lonely place and do my long chores of an hour and half. Tonight the tears started again as soon as I pulled in the drive and continued until I had finished chores. My neighbor goes home to his wife, my friend goes home to her husband and I no longer have anyone. Just wish I'd die so I could go find Charley. This is just a mood I suppose, work is just 6 1/2 hours away and I can do this all over again. Grief is exhausting. Please don't give up Kathy and don't work yourself into an unhealthy life. If I had a magic wand I would wave it over Charley to bring him back to your loving arms. Since I can not do that all I can do is pray for you to find some peace and comfort tonight. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted August 5, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 Kathy I am so sorry you are having such a hard time you are so right grief is exhausting it is so hard to miss someone down to your soul yet we must go on our soulmates would not want us up their with them before our time no matter how much we miss them, one day we will see them again when it is our time until then we are going to have to do the best we can to deal with the pain and hold on to the good memories I wish I could just take away the pain. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 I hear you there Robin. Kathie I can say since I was older than my wife, had I died with her being that much younger, I would have not wanted to have her with me just yet. All in good time. If you don't see it now, that's okay but you will find purpose in living on. We honor them by trying even when it seems so hopeless. When you come back from working and you read what your friends here have written, I hope you feel a little better and sleep comes more easily this evening. You sound tired and if you are, then perhaps you'll understand part of the reason for the exasperation you are feeling. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharKath Posted August 6, 2016 Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Thanks guys. Steve, I love the picture of the Winnie pooh gang. Your right, I'm tired. Its always midnight when I get to bed. I dread coming home. At least i feel useful helping my friends and neighbor. The rental house I've been helping with is nearly done. They'll be cleaning carpets tomorrow. We have a five day window of sunny weather forecasted so I guess its time for the second cutting of hay. I know I need to keep busy or I'll come apart at the seams. I'm gonna imagine those cartoons hugging as I try to go to sleep. They made me smile when I saw them. Thanks. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 The name of this topic seems most appropriate today. I am in the ER for the 2nd time in a month. I can't even count how many times I've been here since Steve died because my body has just gone haywire since he died. Before that I was a regular with him for years. Definitely preferred not being the patient. Waiting on results on something they found. Just want to go home. I have been talking to my counsellor about how all her wisdom of handling grief is so compromised when you still have to battle physical obstacles. Especially alone. Seems everyone else here has a friend or family member with them. I had to step outside because I started to have an anxiety attack and the hospital frowns on that so here I sit waiting and no staff has come since I called I was back. Guess I was a bad kid for going out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Gwen, I feel so bad for you. This grief thing is horrible. How do you feel? Hope it all turns out OK. Being alone is scary. Hope you feel better and you can go home. Keep us informed. Gin 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Gwen, hope you could go home. Take good care. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Thank you, Gin and Ana. I finally got thier attention and am waiting for the discharge papers. I have a small pneumothorax in my lung. Had one last year. They want me to meet with a thoracic surgeon for a procedure that might prevent this again. My primary care doc says these happen often with my lung condition and is much more conservative, so I will talk with him next month at our apt. When I had this last year I was scheduled to have the thing drained of air, but it had been so small and healed that the doc sent me home. I respect docs, but specialists are sometimes quick to want more treatment than you may need. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 I'm sorry it's been such a rough day for you, but I'm glad you're in touch with your primary care doctor. I feel I can trust mine more than the stranger/doctor specialists sometimes. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 13 hours ago, Gwenivere said: The name of this topic seems most appropriate today. I am in the ER for the 2nd time in a month. I can't even count how many times I've been here since Steve died because my body has just gone haywire since he died. Before that I was a regular with him for years. Definitely preferred not being the patient. Waiting on results on something they found. Just want to go home. I have been talking to my counsellor about how all her wisdom of handling grief is so compromised when you still have to battle physical obstacles. Especially alone. Seems everyone else here has a friend or family member with them. I had to step outside because I started to have an anxiety attack and the hospital frowns on that so here I sit waiting and no staff has come since I called I was back. Guess I was a bad kid for going out. Most hospitals have a Chaplin, ombudsman, candy striper, some one that can be with you and comfort you during this stressful time. Ask a nurse and tell them you want someone to stay with you. It helps to have someone to be with you. My hugs and prayers are covering you. - Shalom 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Absolutely Kay! Unless I have no choice, I run everything by my primary care doc as he knows the whole me. Thanks for the suggestion, George. And for your caring thoughts. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted August 13, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Gwen I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this medical stuff alone it has got to be hard .HUGS! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Gwen, I'm so sorry you had to go to the ER again. I'm also sorry I'm late to this conversation, glad you were able to go home and hope you are feeling better. Please take care of yourself. I know how hard it is to do these things alone, wish I could be there, but you are in my thoughts always. Hugs Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 13, 2016 Report Share Posted August 13, 2016 Take good care of you, Gwen. We're all thinking of you and sending healing thoughts ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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