Resurgence and Anger

[andreaskye]

I hope I did not trigger anger for anyone. But if it wasn't me and talking about it, I suppose it would have been something else. 
 As I am back from market, what was said about "Reward". I get you. Even if it is not the exact right word but yeah. He is not here to go "How'd it go?" and to talk about what sold well, or who I saw, or all those things. There is no one. And I try to have fun while at market. I used to have fun at market talking to people about growing stuff and recipes, and just all sorts of things. Now it seems to be answering questions with the minimal. I am polite and smile. But maybe it is not this way for everyone, but being I loved him so much I put a huge stock in when he was proud of me, and he was always proud of me but would be so complimentary when say, I sold out, or got a chef to order a tray of microgreens. Now there is no one. At least not the same way he did. Nothing special to look forward to. Just another night, not wanting to sleep, not wanting to be awake, begin lonely but for goodness sake, I sure as heck do not want company!
 HH, I know what you mean about the car. It is a little different but this new Thursday night market going on. It is a nice one, downtown Fort Worth. Very upscale and we had been talking about how nice things were going to be in Spring, and how the farm was going to grow, and what we would do with the extra finances. (To clarify what I do, I live next door to my parents and we have a small organic farm that is finally starting to make a little money and be a bit known. I work for them.) But there is no joy in it. And the things we talked about updating would probably make me unhappy. Well, case in point, we wanted a new TV in the bedroom. The one we had was breaking. If I buy one, it would make me sick. Actually, when it broke all the way (just a few days after he died, at least he did not have to do without the TV he liked to watch at night.) I just cut off the cable and took the broken one and the semi working one in the living room out to the curb. I only used it quietly for background noise for the dogs the few days until it broke anyway. And only on shows he could not stand. Every show he may have watched made me want to tear my eyes out. Even the news with the financial tickers on the bottom because sometimes he paid attention to that. 
 Oh and the dogs, oh they have been grieving just as much as me. That is a whole other story. 
 It is hell. I may have said this is one of my previous posts because I remember thinking it but I do not know how people have survived grieving all these millenia. 

[kevin]

At its worse point to me , I para phrased the Pain in my body as 10 X worse than anything I ever felt.......I couldn't function, or want to function. Best therapy was the dog, had to walk the dog, but in all honesty, Dog was walking me........Churchill said about going through Hell.......keep Going......always the best

[KATPILOT]

Great quote kevin! When Kathy died I knew that she went straight to heaven and I went straight to hell. One day at a time, one footstep at a time I kept going. Today I am on the fringes of hell. My back is hot and if I turn around my face gets burned off. I don't know if I will ever get out of here but I sure know that to keep going was better than staying in the fire.

When things are at there worst, just keep going kids, just keep going.

As Dory would sing,

"Just keep swimming"

[Froggie4635]

I am glad I am not the only one who WANTS to feel for others when tragedy hits, but feels all sources of sympathy are depleted.  I was beginning to feel like a terrible person.  When it is an instance of someone I know personally who is struggling with something terrible, I reach out to them just to let them know I am there.  I know I cannot take away their hurt, but it always feels good to know someone can understand.  I guess there is a little "fixer" in me.  Mark used to talk about being a "fixer". It mostly concerned earlier relationships when he learned that not everyone wants their troubles "fixed"...just someone to listen as they talk.  It made me proud to see that he learned from it; that he was wise to see.  I don't ever remember him trying to "fix" me.  I know he protected me, and stood up for me...I know he would have done just about anything to keep me from feeling pain.  I think we sometimes get desensitized by seeing so much misery and trauma every day on the news...but when you are grieving, it does seem like you are desensitized to most everything.

[MartyT]

I don't think it's so much that you are desensitized to the misery and trauma of others. Rather, you are preoccupied with your own ~ and when you are deep in the troubled waters of grief, using every ounce of your own strength and energy to stay afloat so you won't drown in your own sorrow, it's pretty hard to focus on the struggles of others. In early grief, we tend to filter everything we see through lenses that are clouded with our own grief.

[Froggie4635]

Someone wise wrote this...thanks, Marty

I believe strongly that by learning about what is normal in grief, we’ll all come to a greater understanding of the reactions that accompany all the different kinds of loss we may experience in life, and we’ll learn to be more caring, accepting and tolerant of one another. We will come to recognize that grief is neither a contest nor a competition. For every single one of us, at this moment in time, our own loss is the worst that could happen to anyone. It is not our place to pass judgment on the strength or legitimacy of anyone else’s grief. Where there is loss, there is grief. Pain is pain. Only you can know the special place in your life and in your heart that was occupied by your loved one, and you are the only one who can measure just how much you have lost.

[Margm]

I do find that most of my loving feelings left with Billy.  My family loves this old eccentric woman, but the fringe family are only bothers right now.  I felt no warmth toward the spoiled great grandchild I had never seen before.  Billy would have.  I find my mother and sister only aggravate me.  Still dreaming of that motel in the middle of Texas.  "I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep."  I do not feel sorry for myself today, I am a cantankerous old woman. I like me. 

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, you've simply GOT to read Monday's blog entry, Your Good News Makes Me Feel Bad by the delightful Catherine Tidd (author of Confessions of a Mediocre Widow). An excerpt:

Your good news makes me feel like shit.  

 

Not all of it.  It's very specific good news.  But it's a biggie.

 

A little background on me, for those who don't know it:  My husband was in an accident on his way to work.  He then had a stroke, followed by brain swelling.  A doctor gave me the option of surgery to remove part of his skull, the outcome of which would have been a quality of life I was sure my husband would not have wanted.  I opted not to do the surgery.  Three days later he was declared brain dead.  He was a registered organ donor.

 

So, a few years later a politician named Gabrielle Giffords was shot.  Her brain began to swell.  Her husband opted FOR the surgery.  She lived (not as she did before, but she seems to be doing well).  I'm very happy for them both.

 

And I felt like I had been slapped when that happened.

 

I couldn't stand to watch the news of her recovery.  Every article and interview made me feel like I didn't love my husband enough to even try, when in the moment (and in moments of clarity) I knew I'd done the right thing for him.

 

Her wonderful, miraculous, incredible news is something I cannot stand.  And that's the truth.

 

It happened again recently. I was listening to the radio and the announcer started talking about a woman who had been declared brain dead, who was also an organ donor, and who miraculously began to regain consciousness before the transplant took place.  I don't know what her status is as this moment.

 

But that story made me feel like a murderer.

 

I'm not kidding.  I sat in my car, hands shaking, thinking, "What have I done?"

 

Now, rationally I know that every situation is different.  Ms. Giffords's injuries were not the same as my husband's.  I don't know how the second person came to be in the position she was in, but chances are her circumstances were extremely different as well.  And I'm so proud that my husband was an organ donor and helped so many.

 

But while the rest of the world rejoices at this wonderful news, it actually makes me feel terrible.  Like, stay-awake-at-night-second-guessing-every-decision-I-made-nine-years-ago-terrible.

 

And then I feel worse.

 

Whew.  Now that I look back on this blog, it's a real downer for a Monday.

 

Sorry.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Marty,

I received this article in my inbox.  It was very good article.  

 

Maryann

[Margm]

Well Marty, I have got to tell you something.   (And people on this forum, I am only speaking for myself when I say this) you are a God-send for me.  And again, this is my own personal opinion, but all I am lacking (besides Billy) is the faith I hope I find.  I have grief books on top of grief books, and I have read through two, yours and one given by my mother's hospice, and it was written on only a few pages.  You give it to us in simple terms.  You see, this mind of mine used to transcribe operations, teaching hospital complex transplants, all diseases, all fungal words and treatments, but this new mind I was left with after Billy left can only understand simple words and pictures and I am sure I probably spell my own name wrong.  I still remember my SS#, but have to have my phone # written where I can see it.  So, thank you for speaking in words and interesting little stories even I can understand, and receive help from.

Also, as an aside, I have twice in the last five months mentioned my confusion on checking out at two different stores, blaming it on just losing my husband.  Twice, I have been told they just lost a child.  How small I felt.  I had Billy 54 years, and I sure do miss that boy.  They lost a child.

[MartyT]

♥

[scba]

Thank you Marty for helping us to understand our emotions. I can relate not only with every-day people news....after my boyfriend's death I cancelled myself from blogs feeds and newsletters, and stopped following facebook profiles who had to do with my BF illness and stories about survivors. I don't need them anymore, there is no hope to feed about and no more battles to fight. Feeling horrible of not wanting to hear about any of it ever again, good news and scientific findings included. Maybe I will in a couple of years.

A part of me feels defeated, like a soldier who lost the war. I rationally know I could not save him but (irrationally) I feel defeated.

[hollowheart]

23 hours ago, scba said:

I too feel angry and cheated. I had no idea what actually loosing him would be, it is hell, I can say I have seen hell.

Yes, it is truly hell and torture being here without our loved ones. I had horrible thoughts (again) of leaving my sister overnight, like an idiot and while I'm sleeping she was dying. I almost hyperventilated thinking about losing her like that. WHY did I do that? I hate these images and thoughts have crept back up.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, scba said:

A part of me feels defeated, like a soldier who lost the war. I rationally know I could not save him but (irrationally) I feel defeated.

Again, you found the perfect words I describe this.  I know your decisions were different than mine, but inside I knew I could not beat the monster that would tear us apart.  But we fight like hell til the end.  And then what?  We drag our 'weapons' home, set them in a corner and wonder if we were the best soldier we could have been.  We know we were, but it is another way we were defeated by the residual wondering.  It just goes on and on and on.  No medals, no honors, and mostly no saving them.

[MartyT]

Hollowheart, have you ever considered using guided imagery as a way to ease those feelings of anger and tamp down those troubling images and thoughts that keep creeping back up into your consciousness? Listening to a CD can be a simple, inexpensive exercise, and if you're willing to try it ~ even as an experiment ~ you may find it quite helpful. See, for example, A Meditation to Help with Anger and Forgiveness. I've used many of Belleruth Naparstek's CDs myself at various times in my life, and I think they're wonderful.

[scba]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Again, you found the perfect words I describe this.  I know your decisions were different than mine, but inside I knew I could not beat the monster that would tear us apart.  But we fight like hell til the end.  And then what?  We drag our 'weapons' home, set them in a corner  wonder if we were oldier we could have been.  We know we were, but it is another way we were defeated by the residual wondering.  It just goes on and on and on.  No medals, no honors, and mostly no saving them.

Dear Gwen, It feels as being fired from our job, we were caregivers and all in a sudden, the exit door is shown to us. I thought he could beat the monster . He was so ready for the big day, the day of the surgery, and that was the end. It is very cruel but where do I submit a letter of complain? Anyway Gwen, maybe we won't see it today, nor tomorrow, but we were brave soldiers moved by love. No rewards, no medals, but we were there for them, fighting, caring, loving and believing. I hope that in the end, these feelings will overcome the dark corners of grief. Just my hope.

[kevin]

Had a discussion on Anger last night and the Correlation between Fear and Anger was apparent...... so I found an article that is worth sharing, Although this article doesn't mention Grief but I can relate how the passing of a Spouse sets the table for a Fearful /unknown future...

The relationship between anger and fear

By M.Farouk Radwan, MSc.

Anger management

Anger and fear

Yesterday I was taking a friend of mine to the bus that will take her back home in another city that is four hours away. Since she was going to spend 4 hours without food I had to go and buy her some things to eat while being in the bus but a lady who works there suddenly shouted at me and told me “Its not allowed to bring these things into the bus and if you are going to give them to your friend I will let her leave the bus in the middle of the road”

Suddenly I became very angry and I shouted at her, I told her “Give me your name and the bus number, I will call your boss and show you the consequences of talking to customers like that”

The lady then came and apologized and told me that we she was just kidding and since my friend is an expert in lying detection she told me that the lady was honest.

I was angry because I was afraid

Behind anger always lies fear, Even if the angry person appears to be strong and in control fear will always be the reason behind his anger.

I was afraid that the lady does what she said which is leaving my friend in the middle of the highway alone. My fear that my friend gets treated badly made me angry and so anger was there to protect me from my fears.

If I knew that she was kidding (even though she didn’t) I would have just said “what a weird way to joke” but since I was afraid my anger exploded.

The relationship between anger and fear

Whenever you find yourself angry just ask yourself one question, what am I afraid of?
If you found yourself shouting at another driver then you might find that you were afraid of the damage that was going to happen to your car.

If you found that you are angry at a lazy employee then most probably you will find that you were afraid that your company performs bad or that your own manager evaluates you poorly.

If you were angry at someone who made fun of you then you might find that you were afraid of what people might say about you if you didn't take strong actions. (see Dealing with bullying)

Anger and depression

One of the main causes for depression is suppressed anger. If your rights were constantly violated and if you didn't manage to channel the resulting anger correctly you will end up depressed. In my book, The ultimate guide to getting over depression i explained how suppressed emotions can be one of the main reasons causing depression. People who manage to channel their suppressed emotions in a timely manner are less likely to get depressed.

Anger management

Anger management is deeper than controlling your breath or counting from one to ten because unless you have a deep understanding of your fears you might be wasting your time on techniques that will never work. One of the vital steps for controlling anger is learning how to control your fears.

If you found a person angry and shouting then try to understand the reasons that are behind his anger so that you can comfort him. For example If your boss told you “you are always late” never tell him “I understand that you are afraid that people might say that you are a weak manager but instead say “I am sorry, I know this might affect my scorecard and I will be on time starting tomorrow”. Instead of shouting at him and saying that he is bossy just understand his fears and comfort him and he will become calm again in minutes.

In summary, anger is sometimes caused by fear, control your fears and you will manage your anger effortlessly

[Guest]

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.” 

 

I have been noticing the similarities between grief and fear.  I am surprised by the number of times daily when the hollowness in my gut becomes strong enough to distract me from what I am doing.  It is always small, insignificant tasks that trigger this reaction.  I won't be consciously thinking of grief nor Deedo but still here it comes.  I don't know if it is triggered by loneliness or what, but it is so similar to fear.  

[Margm]

I think this is a good read Kevin.  I could never understand my mother's anger and my friend's anger at their spouses for dying.  It was their fear of being alone, and it was a bandage to cover a wound that does not heal.  I go to sleep each night with ear buds tuned to different things.  So far, the subliminal messages have not worked, at least I do not think they have.  I have found that I can take a memory from our long years together and cover the open wound with anger at something we had forgiven each other for, years ago.  I know what I am doing and why I am doing it.  Someone said in another thread that when we are falling off a cliff, we grab at anything we can.  We do.  

[andreaskye]

I have read different quotes about anger being so related to fear. I think it was the CS Lewis quote I saw over and over in my neverending grief quotes searches on Pinterest. But until this morning, and the article Kevin, I never realized just how damn true it is. I am in fear all the time, probably mostly that I will never feel love and what it is like to be loved like Nick loved me again. It permeates my whole being. 
 Wow. Thank you for helping me see this. It was such a mystery to me to be answered so simply. 
 I guess knowing is half the battle. In this case, what is the rest of the battle though? 
 Thank you all. In a very short time you all have made me feel not so alone and given me so many "Yes, me too!!" moments.  
 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Kevin.

I remember telling my husband when we first started getting serious, that I don't get angry.  I said, when I present myself in what LOOKS like I am angry, it is because I am afraid/scared.  It was a while later after we were married that he got to see me "angry".  He was sick, and as was his usual action, he simply extracted himself from the world and wouldn't do anything to help himself feel better...and the longer it went on, the more scared I got.  But, in his eyes I was angry with him.  I can still remember that feeling.  I was terrified that I would come home and find him dead.  Each time he let things get that far, and he realized that I wasn't mad, but scared...he would then let me do something like get him to a doctor.  Yesterday,  I was dealing with something that is beyond my scope of skills.  Our fence is in bad shape due to our neighbors neglect, and there are places in the fence where my dogs can put their head through.  Most of the spots I have bricks and stuff stacked up to deter them.  But yesterday there was an incident, and as I was trying to scramble to fix it, I began to cry and scream to the sky, "why did you leave me?"  and continued to sob.  Now, I know he did not LEAVE me, and I know it was because I am afraid of something getting too out of control.  I am afraid of this house being too much for me down the road.  We went into this together, and I relied on him to take care of so many things.  He was SO good at it...I NEVER got afraid.  I never thought I would need to deal with anger in my grief...but when it comes from being afraid, then it will present itself.  Mark always looked at me as being so brave.  He told, after all, I completely moved myself to a new city without really knowing anyone and found my footing pretty quickly.  Well, he didn't really know that going back home wasn't an option.  My life there had been stifled and I was looked at as a nothing.  I had to be brave and make an escape...it was more surviving than fear.  I was supposed to take that risk and get onto the road that would lead me to finding the love of my life.  Something inside made me keep hoping that one day I would find it. And oh how I did...and now I have to learn to be without it.  Not as easy.

[Gwenivere]

30 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 But yesterday there was an incident, and as I was trying to scramble to fix it, I began to cry and scream to the sky, "why did you leave me?"  and continued to sob.  Now, I know he did not LEAVE me, and I know it was because I am afraid of something getting too out of control.  I am afraid of this house being too much for me down the road.  We went into this together, and I relied on him to take care of so many things.  He was SO good at it...I NEVER got afraid.  

Wow Maryann!  I know what you are talking about.  Anger drove me for a long time in the beginning.  It was almost empowering because I cannot even imagine doing what I did to get the estate settled and projects done that were neglected.

Now it is fear.  The anger slipped away and I found what was under it and that is what it is.  Steve took care of all those things like fences, computers, everything I had no interest or desire to take on.  He was awesome at getting things done.  Now they fall on me and I get overwhelmed.  I was the inside person.  And if it required a professional, I set it up but he dealt with them.  I have to deal with our financial advisor and tax accountant too.  My medical conditions have skyrocketed from the stress and I am alone to deal with them too.  

So I live in fear now.  I already had panic attacks to contend with, but they were under control for years.  Now that are back with a vengeance to add irrational fear on top of the grief fear.  And of course, no one around me understands any of it.  Hell of a way to exist.

[KATPILOT]

I hear what you are saying. I still live with fear but I think a better word is just plain scared. To begin with, you were always a team before. There were two people making decisions and bringing their own skills and expertise to an issue. When you are alone, it becomes your issue to deal with all by yourself. Maybe my strong points were keeping the house up or caring for the cars. I was not confident when it came to managing the bills, taxes, shopping, laundry, cooking, just tons of stuff. I can hardly even buy clothes for myself. I can get an airplane from here to there with zero visibility but I can't  navigate life. So I'm scared much of the day, so afraid I have forgotten something. When you go from a team to a single decision maker, this is what happens. Because Kathy was taking care of the medical bills as she was in good health till the end, I wasn't prepared to handle them. It was overwhelming and grief did compound the issue. Now however, I still have the fear. I'm better but I still feel insecure and I know exactly why.

Kathy was just so damn good at figuring things out. I don't want to make those decisions without her. I can, I just don't want to. Cause I suck at it?

[KATPILOT]

I just realized that I sounded rather doom and gloomy but then I remembered it's Sunday and that is the other half of the weekend when the distractions are gone and I can slip into that funk. But the bright spot is and will always be that it is less than before and will be less in the future.

[Cookie]

6 hours ago, Brad said:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.” 

 

I have been noticing the similarities between grief and fear.  I am surprised by the number of times daily when the hollowness in my gut becomes strong enough to distract me from what I am doing.  It is always small, insignificant tasks that trigger this reaction.  I won't be consciously thinking of grief nor Deedo but still here it comes.  I don't know if it is triggered by loneliness or what, but it is so similar to fear.  

I have that same thing happen, and I've worried that it won't go away.  It's one of the things that feels so foreign; have never felt this way before in my life....