rdownes

Well it is now Christmas first one without Kevin and I feel like just curling up in a ball and just sleeping the day away I know there are a few of us going through this first, not that it is any easier on those who have already been down the first road I know we all miss them, love them wish they were here other than in spirit I was doing good until it turned Christmas then it sank in no one to wrap presents with no one to have our time with, the house is not going to smell like his amazing dinner all day (he was Italian so we always had an Italian Christmas meal) he won't see his grandbabies open there gifts I hate this new life I didn't ask for I hate being robbed of my soulmate I keep on going but sometimes just feel like why it hurts to keep on going, I hate that drugs and addiction ruined my family took a son,father, soulmate I should be feeling Merry this time of year not this hate, OK maybe hate is a strong word but that is how it feels, to everyone my heart goes out to you today I hope everyone is able to find something to bring them some comfort today.

Dr. L I do not think that knowing your spouse is going to leave this world makes it any easier the pain and lost you feel is the same as someone who had no idea, my heart goes out to you thank you for sharing your story it truly speaks of a special love, and what an extraordinary person she was they say holidays are the worse time for grievers for me though everyday is hard a holiday does not bring extra pain for me I feel I have been low for so long but I keep on going it's all I can do lately feel free to post whenever and whatever you need to these are a group of amazing fellow grievers who get what you are going through and feel hugs to you.

Happy belated birthday Steve hope you had a nice dinner with your family.

Butch your family is in my prayers and thoughts always.

Frussell I wish I had the answer for you so much of what you say I can absolutely relate to I have a hard time remembering the good times and the joy Kevin was able to bring me I am so focused on the fact he is gone and I feel broken, I can talk about him for the most part and keep it together but still lose it sometimes you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings hugs

Marie, I know it is so hard I have no Christmas spirit this year I know it is here the tree is up and grandkids stockings are hung but I feel nothing, not even extra sadness I just feel nothing I feel I have been so low for so long it can't get any lower than feeling nothing maybe next year will be different maybe not maybe this is just me now hugs to you

I was walking in to start work tonight and I saw a lady I had worked with many years ago back in 2004, I have seen her since then quite a few times while she was not a friend I hung out with outside of work she was always a nice caring person who I talked to one year I did not have money to buy my kids costumes she went to the store manager and she told him the situation and he bought them. I was getting ready to go to my register and she was checking out she said "hi how are you doing" I said " I am surving my husband passed" she said " yes I heard but you are a strong women" I was blown away I have never considered myself a strong women not when Kevin was alive and certainly not know when everyday is a struggle just to make it through another day I don't feel strong I feel broken, empty and lonely does she see something I don't are we stronger than we think and feel we are, do we ever feel strong at all.

Caitlyn my heart goes out to you it is so hard to lose your other half I am not quite at the one year mark my husband passed away in May it has forever changed my life there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, miss him, even still cry alittle everyday, I did not say goodbye to my husband for me this is not goodbye his love lives on in my heart and soul he walks with me everyday, at his viewing I told him that I would see you soon, am glad you found us these are some of the most caring understanding people who will walk with you through your journey I can only imagine how hard his passing was my husband passed away from a drug overdose and while I have accepted it, there are some days that it hits me hard hugs to you

Butch am so sorry I just read this my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family you have all been through so much more than anyone should have to endure Noah is in my prayers

Thank you all so much have hard really good suggestions and it is nice to know that what I thought was taboo is an ok subject to bring up that others have//are going through I will just have to learn how to get past these urges like everything else in grief none of it is easy and it will always be a struggle I know deep down in my heart I am chose that only Kevin will have my heart and soul so I must say Marg I like your "battery operated" idea. Thank you all so much hugs to all

Hello I am sorry if what I post rambles on or offends any one, if any of it is not appreciate please remove Marty some of it pertains to the "taboo" subject I just must speak from my heart. It has been a hard and confusing few weeks with Christmas coming I am feeling more empty,lost, lonely and sad, I am not used to not being happy about Christmas I always loved the holiday ( Kevin was never fond of any holidays) it is a strange feeling I feel no joy or happiness, anyways I have been having a hard time dealing with a new aspect of Kevin being gone almost 7 months " the sexual urges" do I love and miss Kevin yes with all my heart and soul can I realistically in my heart be with someone else right now my answer is no but a few weeks ago I posted on Craigslist looking for Christmas help for my son I have no money for gifts, I received tons of emails from men offering this for that I didn't pay much attention to them accept one we emailed back and forth he seemed really nice he paid some money for my rent he claimed to care about me I honestly was tempted to meat him just to make the urges go away not for any other reason I know what that makes me sound like but it is do hard I am only 46 before Kevin passed I felt in my peak, I hate feeling this way I don't know how to make it go away it is not even an intimacy issue I just am missing it this is to hard and confusing , I don't want another love I have my soulmate but he can't take away the hunger anymore.

Happy birthday Enna I hope you have a day full of peace

Thank you for sharing your tribute to Mark it was beautiful and tells your love story amazingly. Your story is an inspiration to me it gives me hope that I can find peace one day even if not today thank you for sharing.

Marie I can only imagine how hard that was on you my heart goes out to you this is such a hard journey full of so many sad and painful memories that can consume us at times, even tho I have accepted my husband died from an overdose I still go over in my head the one question I will never have an answer to "why drugs" it hurts alot at times, I remember you saying how your husband swirved to take the impact that shows how much he loved you and wants you here no matter how hard it is, I know it is hard the world stays the same while we are FOREVER changed it sucks hugs

Gwen hope you found some peace today know you are cared about on this day

Butch am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers what a nice way to spend the day she is so beautiful.

Frussell918 I know how you feel about feeling alone I can be with my family or in a room with tons of people and still feel empty and alone, there is no right or wrong in grief there is your way you need to do what is right for you at your own pace , friendships are nice, and even though not for me the heart is capable of loving more than one person in a different way do what you need for your journey and know we are here for you to lend an ear or shoulder.

Gin that exactly what I was thinking I thought today would be an emotional break down day but it was like every other day without Kevin not any extra pain yes I cried alittle but that is still usually a daily thing it is just somewhat controllable now ( though not always) you see today I realized that even though I lost my Kevin I was luckier than alot of people, he blessed me with his love and with an amazing family that I will always be thankful to him for and today at work a close co-worker of mine told me that my manager just lost her father yesterday I told her how much I feel for her and her mother you see even though I have never met my managers mother I know what she is going through yes it would be first Thanksgiving without our husbands for both of us but I have had time to accept him being gone even though the pain is always there, she is probably having a much harder time than me, anyways sorry to ramble, I hope everyone was able to have some peace and comfort today in their own way, our loved ones were here with us like they always are in spirit sharing in the day, now just have to survive Christmas hugs to all.

Finch am so sorry for your harder than usual days my heart goes out to you, I have been having a really bad month just can't seem to climb out of this darkness I feel consumed by it is so hard I hope you find some comfort soon.

Lisa thank you for sharing your story with us, everyone did their best for John unfortunately sometimes even our best still can't save them, it is so hard to lose your best friend try and remember the love and the happy times though I know that is easier said than done right now when Kevin first passed all I could do was think of the lose and it was/is hard, I can remember the love more now and every once in a it will bring a smile to my face though sometimes far an in-between , my husband passed away on my living room floor. I hope that the book is able to help you in finding your way and helps you know what is normal in grief alot of the emotions at first can make you feel like you are losing it, I hope that they call you back soon for an appointment, I have chosen not to seek counseling I am just dealing on my own but that is my personal choice, this place has been a true blessing full of caring people who truly " get it" they are now a part of my family, try and take it easy hugs. Robin

Hello Lisa, I wish I could say welcome without having a heavy heart for what brought you here I would not wish this on anyone, I lost my husband of 26 years in May, it has been a hard road, I feel for you having so much on your plate try and look into some help grief takes alot out of you emotionally and physically, I have a seventeen year old son two it has affected him deeply, I have seven children but he is my baby, I have a disabled daughter who is 22 she has cerebal palsy so to a degree I understand having stuff on your plate it is not easy, we all are trying to find our way everyday is a challenge, I can't tell you how to keep pushing forward for me it is my Kevin's unconditionally love that keeps my going even on the hardest days when I just want to rip out my heart to stop the pain, but to be able to move forward toward some sense of hope and peace we need to feel the pain, I know he would want to me to keep going, for him,for me, for our family, take it slow day by day moment by moment you are never alone once again I am sorry you had to join this community but glad you found us hugs. Robin

Mitch I am so sorry that this time of the year is so hard and holds such painfully memories try and hold onto the good memories the ones that make you smile, I remember when I first posted here you were the first person to welcome me and you gave me such hope, I don't know how we all find any sort of happiness again but I truly believe one day we will get there it is just a long road there but they will be right there with us all the way forever in our hearts hugs

Oh Forever His my heart truly hurts for you and I feel your pain, I just passed the six month mark myself so I relate so much to what you say. Yes this is our lives now,the sadness and loneliness forever embedded in our souls, we all want what we can't have "them back", I don't know how we make it through the days, we all have different things that keep us going but I believe we all get some of our strength from our love for them and their love for us, I think my fog is starting to lift more and more each day reality sets in alittle more and I am starting to feel and realize just how alone I truly am in so many ways, but I will always have Kevin's love embedded in my soul to hold on to until I see him again, I wish I had the answers for you we all are doing the best we can and it's all we can do hugs to you

Patty and Karen I am sorry I missed you anniversaries, I hope you both were able to find some sense of comfort in remembering the love you both shared life is so hard now without them, but one day we will be reunited and then it truly will be forever hugs

Butch that grandbaby of your melts hearts I bet she is loving her time with you. I pray for your family all the time you have experienced so much loss, more than anyone should ever have to deal with and your love keeps you all going even in the darkness moments that truly speaks volumes of what love is capable of, I hope that in time your family is able to find the comfort it deserves hugs and prayers to your family.