MartyT

We're all pulling for you, dear Gwen ~ Touch base with us whenever you are ready and able to do so. Sending blessings of comfort, hope and healing ❤️

And we're all thinking of you, too, dear Kay. You have your own crosses to bear. Praying that better weather comes your way ASAP . . . ❤️

We hear you, Gwen, and we see you ~ and we accept you as you truly are. You've every right to feel exactly as you do. If we could change your circumstances, you know that we'd do so in a heartbeat. But that is not an option. Short of that, just know that we are here and we care. And we are pulling for you. ❤️

Religion and Spirituality in Grief Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

Thank you for sharing your insightful and uplifting message with all of us, Aleck. Good for you, and we wish you continued success in all your endeavors!

Dear one, you've heard from several members and I hope you'll take their wise words to heart, as so much of what you're feeling is not unusual ~ and you're certainly not alone. I also encourage you to read this: Thoughts of Suicide in Grief See also Physical Reactions to Loss and Physical Effects of Grief. ❤️

Tom, you deserve all the happiness you can find, and I am happy for you, just as I'm sure your Susan is happy for you too. Blessings to you and your new love, and thank you for letting us know. ❤️

Ana, my dear, there is not a person among us who does not understand the sadness and disappointment you must have felt "by being on Xmas Eve in a hospital room" with your boyfriend ~ in spite of all your preparations for a super breakfast in anticipation of your first Christmas together. I'd hardly call that "selfish" ~ and I'm sure the Holy Family understood as well. ❤️

See also: In Grief: Death of a Possibility ❤️

If I understand you correctly, ever since she died, you're been working very hard to forget your grandmother ~ to erase her from your memory ~ all in an effort to manage your grief at the loss of this most important person in your life. I am not surprised to learn that this is not working very well for you. The reason is simple: Death ended your grandmother's life, but it did not end the relationship you had with your grandmother! Love is forever, and your love for your grandmother didn't die with her. That love is still there for you, if you choose to keep it, nourish it and hold it in your heart. That is what we call "doing the work of grief". Given the important role your grandmother played in your life, surely the love you shared has influenced the person you've become, and your memories of her are as precious and as meaningful as you allow them to be. Suppressing them does nothing to ease your pain, and doing so will do nothing to end your grief for her. In fact it will only make it harder. The fact that you're still having dreams about her is evidence that the unconscious part of you is still struggling to remember her and to come to terms with the loss of her. What would happen if you allowed yourself to remember all that love you shared with her? Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone (or something) that we dearly love, and there are both healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with it. I encourage you to do some reading to better your understanding of grief, and you might begin with these: Grief: Understanding The Process and Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief ❤️

This Holiday Season and Beyond: I Wish You Enough Dear Ones, This story came to me over the Internet a while ago. I've since learned that it was taken from a piece originally written by Bob Perks, and it is reprinted here with his permission. I hope it touches your heart as it does my own: Recently, I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together [at a regional airport.] They had announced her departure and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said, "I love you. I wish you enough." She in turn said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked. "I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral," he said. "When you were saying good-bye," I asked, "I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?" He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them," he continued and then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory: "I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. "I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. "I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. "I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. "I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. "I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. "I wish you enough 'Hello's' to get you through the final 'Goodbye'." He then began to sob and walked away. ~ ~ ~ This is my wish for all of you this holiday season and beyond: Whatever is beautiful, whatever is meaningful, whatever brings you peace, may it be yours this Holiday Season ~ and may it be enough to sustain you throughout the New Year. Wishing you comfort, peace and healing, Marty ♥

Alcohol-related bereavement Adfam_Journeys-living-with-drug-or-alcohol-bereavement.pdf Al-Anon - UK Bereaved through Alcohol and Drugs (The BEAD Project - UK) CruseChat | Chat Online - Cruse.Org.UK See also: Coping with Hidden Sorrow How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

How your brain copes with grief, and why it takes time to heal December 20, 20212:55 PM ET BERLY MCCOY Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. Holidays are never quite the same after someone we love dies. Even small aspects of a birthday or a Christmas celebration — an empty seat at the dinner table, one less gift to buy or make — can serve as jarring reminders of how our lives have been forever changed. Although these realizations are hard to face, clinical psychologist Mary-Frances O'Connor says we shouldn't avoid them or try to hide our feelings. "Grief is a universal experience," she notes, "and when we can connect, it is better." O'Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, studies what happens in our brains when we experience grief. She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. "The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now." Adjusting to the fact that we'll never again spend time with our loved ones can be painful. It takes time — and involves changes in the brain. "What we see in science is, if you have a grief experience and you have support so that you have a little bit of time to learn, and confidence from the people around you, that you will in fact adapt." O'Connor's upcoming book, The Grieving Brain, explores what scientists know about how our minds grapple with the loss of a loved one. Interview highlights On the grieving process When we have the experience of being in a relationship, the sense of who we are is bound up with that other person. The word sibling, the word spouse implies two people. And so when the other person is gone, we suddenly have to learn a totally new set of rules to operate in the world. The "we" is as important as the "you" and "me," and the brain, interestingly, really does encode it that way. So when people say "I feel like I've lost part of myself," that is for a good reason. The brain also feels that way, as it were, and codes the "we" as much as the "you" and the "I." On the difference between grief and grieving Grief is that emotional state that just knocks you off your feet and comes over you like a wave. Grieving necessarily has a time component to it. Grieving is what happens as we adapt to the fact that our loved one is gone, that we're carrying the absence of them with us. And the reason that this distinction makes sense is, grief is a natural response to loss — so we'll feel grief forever. A woman who lost her mother as a young person is going to experience that grief on her wedding day because it's a new moment where she's having a response to loss. But "grieving" means that our relationship to that grief changes over time. So the first time, maybe even the first 100 times, you're knocked off your feet with grief, it feels terrible and awful and unfamiliar. But maybe the 101st time, you think to yourself, "I hate this, I don't want this to be true. But I do recognize it, and I do know that I will get through the wave." On the emotions involved in grieving The range of emotions that someone experiences when they're grieving is as long a list as the range of emotions we have in any relationship. Commonly there's panic, there's anxiety, there's sadness, there's yearning. But what we sometimes forget is that there's also difficulty concentrating and confusion about what happens next. I am often struck by the intensity of the emotions. Grief is like someone turned up the volume dial all of a sudden. The emotion that I think often interferes with our relationships and friendships when we're grieving is anger, because the anger feels so intense. You have someone blow up at a dinner party and you think, "What's happening with them?" And then to try and remember, "Oh, they're grieving and everything is amped up a little bit." On what is happening in our brains We have neuroimaging studies basically of grief, of the momentary reaction where you have that emotional yearning experience. There are less than a handful of studies looking at more than one moment in the same person across time — so looking at their grieving trajectory. What we know right now in these early days of the neurobiology of grief is really coming from snapshots. Having said that, one of the things that we know is that grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions we have, from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering. So lots of different parts of the brain are orchestrating this experience that we have when we feel grief. On prolonged grief When you're knocked over by that wave of grief, you want to know, "When will this end?" From a research perspective, there is a very small proportion of people who might have what we now call prolonged grief disorder, something we start looking for after six months or a year [after a death or loss]. ... And what we are seeing, [in such cases], is that this person has not been able to function day to day the way that they wish that they could. They're not getting out the door to work or getting dinner on the table for their kids or they're not able to, say, listen to music because it's just too upsetting. So these types of concerns ... suggest it would be helpful to intervene and get them back on the healing trajectory where they will still feel grief, but they will adapt to it differently. The older term that we were using for a long time was "complicated grief." And although prolonged grief disorder is the term we've settled on, there's a reason that I like the term complicated — because it makes you think of complications. As an example, one of those is the grief-related rumination that people sometimes experience. The better term for that that people will recognize is the "would've, should've, could've" thoughts. And they just roll through your head over and over again. The problem with these thoughts — we sometimes call "counterfactuals" — is that they all end in this virtual scenario where the person doesn't die. And that's just not reality. And so, by spinning in these thoughts, not only is there no answer — there are an infinite number of possibilities with no actual answer of what would have happened — but it also isn't necessarily helping us to adapt to the painful reality that they did die. And so our virtual version is not really helping us to learn how to be in the world now. It's less than 10% of people who experience prolonged grief disorder. And what that means is 90% of people experience difficult grief and suffering, but don't have a disorder after losing a loved one. I think it's so important to remember that ... because we don't want to hide grief away ... in a psychiatrist's office or a counselor's office, except in indications where that would be helpful to get people back on track. On how to support grieving people in your life I think when you care for someone who is going through this terrible process of losing someone, it really is more about listening to them and seeing where they're at in their learning than it is about trying to make them feel better. The point is not to cheer them up. The point is to be with them and let them know that you will be with them and that you can imagine a future for them where they're not constantly being knocked over by the waves of grief. On losing people to the pandemic One of the topics I think is not much in the national conversation is that so many of the deaths of our loved ones happened in hospitals, emergency rooms and ICUs — and we weren't there to see it. And that is for a very good reason, because we were trying to stop the spread of COVID. So having family members in hospitals did not make sense. But it means that people are without these memories of watching their loved one become more ill and watching those changes that happen in their body that prepare our mind for the possibility that they might die. To go through that process without those memories makes it much harder to learn what has happened. So many people feel it hasn't really sunk in yet that they're gone. What I don't hear very often is the fact that with COVID, the loved ones that are left behind made the sacrifice of not being with their loved ones in the hospital in order to stop the spread. And that sacrifice needs to be recognized, I think. In part to help people heal, so that it's understood why they're having such a difficult time. And to elevate the understanding that they did something for the greater good — and they gave up something while they did it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend, and we all know how much this hurts. You say you don't know what to do, but you're already doing exactly what you need to be doing right now ~ and that is to give yourself permission to lean into your grief, to acknowledge how much your Annie meant to you, and to honor the magnitude of your loss. Kay's suggestions are wonderful. I also think it helps to understand what you are feeling and why, and to know that you're not alone how you are reacting. I encourage you to read the following: Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief Pet Loss: Is It A Different Kind of Grief? Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Her Display Name is feralfae, Gwen. I used the search feature just now, and it indicates that her most recent post was on September 16: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/profile/16288-feralfae/content/

I'm so sorry to learn this news about your sister, George. Please know that we will keep her in our prayers. ❤️

My dear, for what it's worth, I do not think it is "selfish" of you to want to bury your husband in a cemetery where you can be with him when your own time comes. You are his wife; he is your husband. It seems to me that you should have first say over what to do with your spouse's cremains, and I hope you will pay close attention to your own needs and desires as you come to a decision here. Give yourself sufficient time to decide, and find someone you know and trust who will listen to your concerns as you do so. Knowing your husband as you do, what advice do you think he'd be giving you today (now that he HAS gone before you), if you were to ask him this same question again: "What about me?" Where do you think he would want YOUR remains to be buried, if not with him?

So good to see you back here with all of us, Paul! And thank you for sharing that suggestion about writing. I couldn't agree with you more! ❤️

My friend, your Gisella is absolutely adorable, and I can only imagine the size of the hole that her leaving has left in your heart, in your home and in your life. The circumstances you describe so vividly are heartbreaking, and so totally unacceptable. I am so very sorry for your loss. As you say, you are not a stranger to the grief that accompanies significant loss, and I hope you will allow yourself the time and energy it will take for you to mourn your beloved Gisella. You might consider some ways you might memorialize her, thereby honoring her life and remembering all the ways she enriched your own. I understand completely your not wanting to get another pet, because of course there will never, ever be another Gisella. And making such a promise to yourself looks like the best way to protect your heart from ever having to go through this kind of pain again. This is how you're feeling right now and that's okay. Just know that you may not always feel this way, because like grief itself, feelings can change over time, and the day may come when you feel differently about this decision. I want to point you to some reading that I'm hoping will offer the support and understanding that you need and deserve. Note that these articles include links to other resources too: "Replacing" a Pet Who Has Died: When Is It Time? Pet Loss: How Long Before Adopting Another?

Gwen, my dear, I don't know if you are interested, but I just ran across an article about hospice and palliative care physician B.J. Miller which mentions a service he created (Mettle Health) that made me think of you. Excerpt from the article (https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/964369#vp_1 ) In 2020, Miller co-founded Mettle Health, a first-of-its-kind company that aims to reframe the way people think about their well-being as it relates to chronic and serious illness. Mettle Health's care team provides consultations on a range of topics, including practical, emotional, and existential issues. No physician referrals are needed. When the pandemic started, Miller said he and his colleagues felt the moment was ripe for bringing palliative care online to increase access, while decreasing caregiver and clinician burnout. "We set up Mettle Health as an online palliative care counseling and coaching business and we pulled it out of the healthcare system so that whether you're a patient or a caregiver you don't need to satisfy some insurance need to get this kind of care," he said. "We also realized there are enough people writing prescriptions. The medical piece is relatively well tended to; it's the psychosocial and spiritual issues, and the existential issues, that are so underdeveloped. We are a social service, not a medical service, and this allows us to complement existing structures of care rather than compete with them." Having Miller as a leader for Mettle Health is a huge driver for why people seek out the company, said Sonya Dolan, director of operations and co-founder of Mettle Health. "His approach to working with patients, caregivers, and clinicians is something I think sets us apart and makes us special," she said. "His way of thinking about serious illness and death and dying is incredibly unique and he has a way of talking about and humanizing something that's scary for a lot of us." Here's a 2-minute video describing his service:

There is nothing wrong with you, my dear. This is your unconscious mind working while you sleep, as your conscious brain works during the day, to come to terms with this loss. See Coping with Dreams in Grief and Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief ❤️

Yes. Not all counselors and therapists are experienced in, educated in, and trained in thanatology (the study of death, dying, grief and loss). See, for example, Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? ❤️

Excellent advice, Novi and Kay ~ thank you for sharing! Several issues come to mind as I read your story, my friend, including the loss of a dream (i.e., the father you wish you'd had); unfinished business (i.e., unable to say what you needed to say to your dad while he was still alive); and unexpressed anger. You have some work to do in order to come to terms with all of this ~ we call it "grief work" ~ but the good news is that it is never too late to do the work of grief. You've already begun by sharing your story here with us, and I encourage you to follow Novi's and Kay's suggestions. If you find that this is not enough, I hope you'll consider a session or two with a qualified grief counselor who can help you sort through it all. That said, I invite you to read a bit about what you may be feeling. While this person's story may differ a bit from your own, I'm hoping you'll find its content helpful: In Grief: Death of A Possibility See also: Grief: Understanding The Process Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief? Writing As A Healing Tool in Grief

We're all pulling for you, Laura ❤️