kayc

Hi, I am sorry for what you have been going through and are even now experiencing. I am familiar with Aspergers because my ex-fiance has it. As such, he has OCD and his communication is different than most people's. It might have helped had your BF communicated in a very direct way what he wanted from you. Aspies have a very difficult time reading minds, if the rest of us do, it's way harder for them because it's hard for them to read/judge clues, whereas most of us pick up on body language, tone, etc. I'm not really sure what you're hoping for here, if you just want understanding or if you want to learn from your past mistakes. I hope you realize that whether or not you resume a relationship with your ex or not does not lay with you, but him. We can't change or control the other person, but it is important that we respect them and their boundaries. Threatening suicide can be a form of manipulation that is really unfair to others. It's trying to make others responsible for the outcome of our life, when really, only we are responsible for that. If you truly felt suicidal, the best thing to do is to seek professional help asap. Your ex isn't responsible for whether or not you want to live or die, or feel depressed. I do hope you can focus less on the relationship/breakup and more on helping yourself glean the tools you need to make your life healthier and happier. If you are without a job for a year and no desire to look for one, that's an indication of depression, to the extent you could benefit from therapy. I also hope you realize by now that we don't need another person to complete us or make us happy. That said, going through a breakup is very hard, and it hurts. Loss takes time to process and we need to fully grieve that loss and hopefully utilize the lessons we learn in that grief journey to better our lives and well-being. That doesn't mean you will feel the way you did when you were in a relationship together. Is it possible that the relationship wasn't as wonderful as you might have thought, but rather that you didn't see the problems in it? Just wondering, I think all of us have asked ourselves that question that have ended up here. As Pollara mentioned, it's good to spend time learning to enjoy the present rather than concerning ourselves about the past. I've heard it said that dwelling on the past invites worry and on the future invites anxiety, but living in the present we full experience the joy of what IS, rather than what isn't.

Shannon is very much in our prayers, thank you for letting us know. I appreciate that you keep a close eye on her, she's certainly had her plate full. Our condolences to both of you as well in losing Leo.

Mary, I can't imagine attending something that touches on grief with such magnitude, it must be very emotional and exhausting! I'm sorry you felt sick last night, I don't think I could handle your pace. I need some prayer in the next few months, I have some "financial planning" decisions to make that will affect my entire future and am trying to make sense of it all and am praying for guidance in knowing what to do. It's not simple because other things enter in (boss, gov't decisions, etc).

Everyone has to decide for themselves what they will/won't put up with and how long they will do it. But we all need to look out for our own well being first and foremost because if we don't, nothing's going to be any good anyway.

I understand...it's one thing to tackle things we can control, another to tackle things we can't...and we can't control people, just our responses. The outdoors is a whole different ball game! I'm sorry your friend had to cancel on you...enjoy your pedicure and lunch!

fae, I'm sorry this has been so hard for you...I am not a stranger to hard places and know what it is to have fear inside. Please tell that fear for me, to knock itself down, it doesn't have any place with you! Of course you didn't have anything in you for that woman, I wish she'd have realized you are going through enough and don't need that. I wish I could stand guard for you and not let those ruffians have audience with you! Remember, people will learn what is true so hold your head up and don't give them any power. I'm glad you're taking a break and are in a "safe place" right now. Sometimes there's a time for hibernating...been there too.

Shannon, It is enough just to get through today. Focus on today. You are trying to get well, and your job today is to rest and drink plenty of fluids, eat a little something, perhaps some soup, whatever you can tolerate. Maybe try listening to some soft music. Rest...

Chris, I have learned to not fight the pain, but to accept it, embrace it when it comes. If I need to weep, I weep. I feel the missing him, I allow myself to feel it, I don't try to squelch those feelings. Nothing about my life feels the same as "before", nor do I expect it to. I have a different life now, a different chapter. I enjoy time with my dog. I try to get out some on the weekends so the aloneness doesn't swallow me. I take care of myself and have learned to value myself. It has been a learning chapter of my life.

I'm sure you have a lot of resting up to do...maybe try some of the meditations Mary and Marty and Anne have posted on this site, it's good to be still and quiet and let your soul rest, when we are most depleted, you find it refreshing, then after a time, you come to feel you need/look forward to it.

Shannon, did you have to go to the hospital for intravenous fluids? Please continue to keep us posted how you're doing! Hang in there...

Anne, I esp. love that second picture, great profile! He is so adorable. Do keep us posted when you get the results back...praying, crossing fingers, I'd even say a Hail Mary if I knew how!

Glad to hear you made it home safely! After my experience the night before last, you can't take anything for granted!

You're so right, hockeymom! I'd rather have two good friends than 100 that just aren't there in the same way I am for them. People view friendship differently, I read an article years ago that really helped me understand it in a non-judgmental way. It's more about us finding that good "fit". Some view a friend as someone they can share everything with, want to talk on the phone the second you get home, want all your time, want you exclusively. I find that smothering, they're needy. Some just want it in name only, like mere acquaintances, that's fine, but I don't call that a "friend". Some want friendship for fun, but don't expect anything from them. That's fine as long as you realize you can't count on them, and don't pour too much of your life into them either. Others are true blue, anything you need, they're there, now I call that a friend, and I'll reciprocate!

NS: There is something about the finality of death that hits you...I am glad you had your wife with you. I read my cards (when my husband died) as they came but re-read them two years later and some of them I didn't even remember getting! It's common for your brain to be all foggy in the early stages of grief.

I've heard juicy fruit gum works on moles, you have to get it down into their tunnel though. The USFS used it. I don't know if it'd work on your critter or not. Yes, seems I remember that movie too, it was hilarious! Mary, what a sweet recollection of Bill you shared, I love that! That's the kind of love we shared as well. So glad to hear Bentley gave you a warm welcome. Arlie did the same thing with me last night (could he have know what a close call I had, that I was so upset?), he had to get my attention and make me stop and listen to him, he had quite a story to tell me!

Your feelings are very understandable! I would be beyond comprehension if this happened to my Arlie. I can't even imagine all you and your Colbie have gone through in this horrid experience. I am so sorry! I do totally understand your wanting what you had happen to you, to never happen to someone else. Your poor dog! I hope you have documented everything to back up your claims so you don't get hit with a libel suit from the vet. You have been through enough. It is very hard when a dog dies prematurely. I'm sure you are feeling very gypped right now. I am glad you and Colbie had each other, it's obvious how much you care about her. Do you have a picture of her you could share with us? One way of helping you through this grief might be to write a sort of journal of the experiences you had with Colbie (Mark wrote about his Bicky in this section). It memorializes them and thus keeps them alive, so to speak, for everyone to know. I know it helps me to talk about my departed loved ones to those who knew him/her, it just helps to know they will not be forgotten, and frankly, they are just too special to let that happen. My sincere condolences and (((hugs))) being sent your way.

And let me add, what a darling little girl in your avitar.

I don't know, Harry, that sounds like a devious chortle! What exactly do you have planned for the groundhog? This is fodder for a movie, you know...

Mary, big hugs for you, I know that is something you will never forget. There is a beautiful post in loss of child section today, you might want to read it. Particle board for subflooring? Floating floors are nice and may be easier on the joints, I hope you find one you like! A few years ago, we discovered bees going in to the door on the house where the hot water tank is. My son opened the door to kill the bees and lo and behold he discovered the tank had been leaking onto a particle board floor that was water soluble and was of no earthly good anymore! The tank was holding on by a tiny screw that they had put in for when it was moved (it's a mobile home), ready to drop down through the worthless floor at any given moment! My son took the tank out, replaced the rotten flooring with double thickness board that was NOT water soluble, put in a new tank, and saved the day! You have to wonder what builders are thinking sometimes.

I agree so much. I ultimately found the same thing true, that I had to protect myself. We can forgive but it's not that easy to put a relationship back together after so much breech...it requires tremendous effort, building trust again, etc. Are they/would they be up to the task? Not likely. I don't see any sign that Jim would. And then too, hasn't it altered how we view them, as weak, not exactly stable rocks for us! So yes, while it may be possible to salvage the relationship in the end, it's highly unlikely. We must decide for ourselves how much/long we are willing to be put on hold and take this and then if that time comes and goes, we must get on with our lives. And they must understand when they're pushing us away, that is a risk they are taking, and are okay with that risk apparently as they go ahead about their lives without us. I don't think any of this can be about "blame", we can't blame them for grieving, can't blame them even for how they're handling it, once you understand grief and how it affects people, you understand it hits everyone different and their responses/coping varies. This is not about blame, but about US and what WE will/won't take...what WE are willing to put up with, how long WE are willing to wait, and protecting ourselves from undue hurt and disrespect. This is about US setting appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves.

This post will be very helpful to other who lose a child, one of the hardest losses one can ever face...the one we all dread. I am sorry for your loss. I know that grief is on-going although we get better at coping, I truly hate the term "moving on" because I don't think that's something that someone who loves someone can do when they lose them. This isn't like a break up where you "move on"! Acceptance is one thing, moving on is something else. How do you move on from someone irreplaceable dying? To me, that term has no place in grief recovery. And recovery is an on-going process, not something you're suddenly over and done with. As many of us have learned, it is possible to experience joy after loss, and it begins with giving ourselves permission to. It is not the same as "before", but we learn to appreciate what IS and be present more appreciatively. I applaud your post, thank you!

I just have to say, my positive last night was making it home safely. I had the closest call I've ever had to dying on the way home. It's weird how your life flashes before your eyes in one instant (some idiot passed me going 90 mph on a blind curve and a semi came around the corner head on, I had to brake hard to let the idiot in and the semi swerved to avoid him, but there was NO extra room, it was a miss by an inch, I swear). My adrenaline was running most of the night! The uppermost thought on my mind as this was happening was Arlie. I know the cats will be okay, it'd be easy to find someone to adopt them, but Arlie...not so. I'm the only taker. Poor Arlie! My son adores him but not his wife. I just have to stay alive to take care of him the rest of his life!

Chris, so glad your trip with your daughter went well and I'm sure it was good for her too, to not go alone, and to get to spend some time with her dad.

Anne, I am so sorry, I can imagine how scary that must have been...and still feels, until you know what caused it. I hope it was a one time thing and it never happens again! Between that and the extremely close call I had last night (commuting), it just serves as a reminder how quickly everything can change, how fragile life feels! I know we can't always control outcomes, but all of us here have already learned how much we have to appreciate what we have while it's here. (((big hugs Anne)))

Love the picture, Anne! Mary, I'm sure you'll be glad to get home, I'm glad you aren't pushing yourself (too much)!