Feeling emotional

[rdownes]

Well yesterday was a different kind of day my dad was down from Florida and stopped by the house, me and my dad have never been close he didn't raise me my grandparents did, he was in and out of my life, had quite a few different wives until he met Diane she was a good woman she was with my father for 14 years she treated my kids like her blood grandkids she passed away from cancer, that being said my dad is remarried again. He never liked Kevin so I really didn't see him much so yesterday when he called and asked to come over I was  not to sure on how it would go but I said ok. He came with his wife Tess it was the usual awkwardness he talked to my kids and tried to talk with me at one point he said ," it gets better I buried my father,mother,and brother and sister, trust me it gets better" all I could say was yeah that's what they say with a numb heart, he left he had given me money to help with some bills, so my son said something to me about how it was nice to see grandpa I replied with " yeah it would have been nice if he realated to me over Diane since I haven't lost my father,mother or siblings, my son said wow mom he tried to help and you still can't say anything nice I said  you don't understand and I went outside crying. His saying it gets better was no help to me it is not getting better and it never will I am just learning to live with the pain, I needed him to connect with me and the lose of a spouse not that the other losses aren't hard but it doesn't make a connection with me, I know that even people who have suffered loss don't always know the right thing to say but it just upset me, I guess some wounds are just to deep to heal.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Robin, that your dad wasn't there for you in the ways that you needed him to be. I know how much that hurts. Sometimes the people we expect to be our strongest source of support are the ones who can disappoint us the most. 

[mittam99]

Robin, I'm sorry you were left feeling somewhat numb and unhappy after the visit from your father.

A couple of thoughts after reading your post...

It sounds like your father was little more than a "sperm donor". I don't know all the details but he didn't raise you. He was in and out of your life. He has had multiple wives and you mentioned one of his wives died.

Clearly, none of those wives were his soul mate. If they were, he would be more understanding of your feelings and your pain. He told you he "buried my father, mother and brother and sister, trust me it gets better" ... 

But, no mention of Diane, the wife he buried. Clearly he has no connection to the anguish you feel losing your Kevin. And he never will. So for that reason (and as hard as it may be to accept it) you need to realize this man is never going to be there for you emotionally. 

That money he gave you for bills was his way of helping. That's all he's probably capable of doing. I know it wasn't the kind of support you truly wanted, but it will help in some way.

You're a good person living a nightmarish life as we all are. I'm glad we have found a place to help each other through this terrible pain of grief.

Mitch

[kayc]

Robin,

I echo the other posts here in their responses.  Your dad gave what he has and that is money, and I know that fell short of what you wanted and needed and that's relating to your loss.  Perhaps he didn't want to bring up his wife's death because of his new wife sitting there, or maybe it's just he wasn't as connected with her as you and Kevin.  If so, that's sad for her.  Some people are more superficial in their relationships, they aren't as likely to grieve as hard.

I know your pain is hard, I'm sending you a hug and hope it helps, I hope your day goes better today.

[brat#2]

Robin, I'm so sorry your visit with your dad didn't go like you wanted.  Unfortunately, I have found that the people I needed the most to understand and be there for me during this were the ones that hurt me the most because they weren't there, so to save me from more hurt, I've pretty much cut them out of my life.  It's never easy to take that hurt, but you will find support from others that will surprise you and you always have us.  Sending you hugs.

Joyce

 

[WolfsKat]

Definitely a hard experience for you, Robin!  It is SO hard when we do not receive the validation we feel is our "due", especially when the lack thereof comes from a person who SHOULD be kind, supportive, and understanding!  All we can do is pity them for their lack of understanding......accept what little they may have to offer......and realize that this is beyond their capabilities.  Just have to come to a place of acceptance, and peace with the fact that they will never be what we would wish them to be....it can inure one to letting them have the "power" to hurt us!

[rdownes]

Thank you all so much yes it truly did hurt not to have my own father be able to have a connection with me after lossing his one wife to cancer I thought he would understand my pain, maybe he is not able to share his grief journey with me, maybe Diane was not his soulmate or his forever love like Kevin was and is mine. It should not have been a shock to me after all these years I guess I keep hoping he will realize how damaged our relationship is before it is to late, but he is who he is and I can not change that, I just have to not expect any comfort from him as much as it hurts because I am going through enough pain without my Kevin in my life I really have no energy to deal with anymore tonight did turn into a good night five out of six grandbabies are sleeping over no rest tonight but plenty of love thank you all for understanding hugs

[Marie Lee]

Hang in there Robin, my family has put the fun in dysfunctional all my life.

 Hope that made you chuckle and hope it helps you to know you are not alone with family dynamics going amiss..

we don't get to choose our relatives..

Sometimes I wish I could return some of mine! But, they are my family and they try to help me as they are able to.

 

Hug and kiss those grandbabies!

Marie

[scba]

Hello Robin. I'm sorry about what happened, I tell you something. Apart from people here on this forum I Never received a comforting word from other widows/widower. On the contrary. I have been told "it gets better". End. How?. That's all. More: "you will find happiness again". End. Period. "Life goes on". Stop.

My rationality cannot link these comments to the fact that their spouses were not their soulmates. Maybe they were. Maybe it is lack of compassion in our culture, or hardened hearts due to suffering. Recently a widower told me: "they are gone, they belong to the past, you are alive". I will never forget this, his wife was an angel on Earth! She was a remarkable human being, she could not deserve such cold words! I wished she wasn't there in that moment listening.

Since then, I avoid talks with widows/ers and I try to look like I don't want to mention my loss. I became very good at changing subjects. 

[Brad]

Ana - I am sorry that the widows/widowers you talk to aren't more comforting.  I personally seek out widows/widowers as I find they generally really understand what I am going through.  I really must be a cultural thing.  I do believe it does get better and I have been told as much here, BUT that was not what I needed.  I needed to hear how to make it better.  Typically when I hear the comments about how it is good I'm "on the right side of the dirt", "life is a gift to be treasured" "life goes on" "it is time to move on"; they are coming from people who haven't really experienced the depth of loss that we have.  I, too, have become very adroit at redirecting conversations.  It is more of a challenge to find those who I can truly converse with.  I've mentioned the friend whose husband is late stage Alzheimer's.  We've met twice in the past couple of months, the first time for dinner that turned into a five hour conversation and the second an eight hour hike.  Both times we both opened up and talked nearly non-stop about our grief.  That was about as healing of an experience as I have had.  I love this site and I love my support group and grief counselor but with them thoughts and ideas are short snippets where as long, uninterupted interactions really allowed us both to delve deeply into our thoughts, fears, pains; our grief.

[scba]

Thank you Brad. 

This is a special place. 

 

[iPraiseHim]

On ‎11‎/‎5‎/‎2016 at 9:03 AM, rdownes said:

Well yesterday was a different kind of day my dad was down from Florida and stopped by the house, me and my dad have never been close

...  He never liked Kevin so I really didn't see him much so yesterday when he called and asked to come over I was  not to sure on how it would go but I said ok. ...he talked to my kids and tried to talk with me at one point he said ," it gets better I buried my father, mother, brother and sister, trust me it gets better".  all I could say was yeah that's what they say with a numb heart, he left he had given me money to help with some bills, so my son said something to me about how it was nice to see grandpa I replied with " yeah it would have been nice if he related to me over Diane

...my son said wow mom he tried to help and you still can't say anything nice I said  you don't understand and I went outside crying. His saying it gets better was no help to me it is not getting better and it never will I am just learning to live with the pain,

... I needed him to connect with me and the lose of a spouse not that the other losses aren't hard but it doesn't make a connection with me, I know that even people who have suffered loss don't always know the right thing to say but it just upset me, I guess some wounds are just to deep to heal.

Rdownes,  I relate to your sharing on so many levels.  Although the circumstances are different, I finally just realized that as much as I wanted and needed my Dad's approval/acceptance that He was just not capable of giving it.

I imagine your child just does not yet have the maturity and understanding that us more mature people do at this point in his young life.

I expected that other people who have experienced death/loss of the spouse would be a natural source of comfort and understanding.  I did not experience that either.  My expectations set me up for disappointment. 

I have a unlikely friend with a kind heart who calls me regularly and my sister.  No one from church or other friends bother.  This place is my solace and refuge.  Yes, it hurts and people deal with grief differently.  It is good you can share the pain and grief with us because we truly understand and share your burden. You are not alone in this grief. my heart and prayers are with you.  - Shalom, George   

 

[Marie Lee]

I have to say it's enlightening how little people do reach out, call, include you once you experience this kind of loss..

I have lost some very dear frds.... Maybe it's just temporary...I dunno..

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

52 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

I have to say it's enlightening how little people do reach out, call, include you once you experience this kind of loss..

I have lost some very dear frds.... Maybe it's just temporary...I dunno..

 

So true @Marie Lee.   I wish I knew how to enlighten people in a positive way.  It would sure make the lives of the grieving less stressful.

I am still carrying anger about the way some so called friends and family have dismissed my existence.  I hope to become less angry and more okay with it and start moving on with new friendships.  

[Brad]

Over the past week, I've seen a few of Deedo's friends whom I have not seen since she got sick. I've chatted with all of them and yet not a single one has asked how I am coping or acknowledged that she is gone. We live in a culture that does not know how to deal with death. 

[enna]

Oh Brad,

You are so right when you say that we are living in a culture that does not know how to deal with death. Someone who addresses this perfectly (I think)  is Francis Weller. He has written a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief. I have read and recommended this book to many people who also believe that we do not know how to deal with death in our culture. 

Anne

[WolfsKat]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

Over the past week I run into a few of Deedo's friends whom I have not seen since she got sick. I've chatted with all of them and yet not a single one has asked how I am coping or acknowledged that she is gone. We live in a culture that does not know how to deal with death. 

Brad, I've experienced this, as well. I think that they are afraid to refer to your loss in any way, sometimes, in fear that this will "upset" you, and you might become emotional in front of them (and then that would make them "uncomfortable"). Unfortunately.....this is all too common.  I've had coworkers avoid me when I returned to work......one told a friend of mine "I'm just not good with that stuff"....presumably referring to having to speak to a person who has had a loss. It is hard enough going through this without some treating you like a pariah. So sad, when a simple "This has to be so hard for you, I'm so sorry" would suffice.

[kayc]

In hearing all of you talking about this subject, it reminds of me when I lost George, and hence all my friends.  I felt angry that they could just ditch me so easily, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that to them!

No one called to check on me that first year and they sure don't do it after eleven years.  I did make a friend a few years down the road that lost her husband and we could talk.  She's moved back to TX and I miss her, but every now and then, we call each other and talk, about anything, about everything.  It's nice having a friend like that.