AB3 Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 Does anyone else feel intense grief at certain periods of the day. As soon as I wake up I'm hit with the intense pain, shock and sadness of my fiances death. This last all day until night fall when I start to calm down a bit. I'm dependent on a combination of tea with valerian and sleep aid medicine in order to sleep. This calms me even more, however I wake up at some point in the night immediately thinking of him being gone. Nevertheless, the daytime is the worse. Does anyone else struggle with this?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 I think I'm lucky because my worst moments are not at predictable times. I guess the down side is that if you aren't alone the majority of the time then outbursts could be more difficult. May you find peace when and where you need it.? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 For the first fifteen months I was unable to sleep without medication. Prior to being put on Remeron (an antidepressant that increases appetite and encourages sleep) I would get maybe three hours a night. Two months ago I was able to discontinue medication so now I can sleep five to seven hours a night. For the first several months I was pretty useless most of the day. I couldn't talk without tears, hated having to go to the store. I did force myself out of bed daily, shower and dress but that was about all I could accomplish; that and my daily hikes. Slowly over time things improved; not where I could see a change daily but if I looked back months I could see things were not as paralyzing. Now seventeen months later I do have days without tears; today was one of them but then I probably cried myself dry the past two days. Grief is never a constant but always changing. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 AB3 when my grief journey started morning was my hardest the waking up everyday and being slapped in the face with oh yeah he's gone never coming back, I have gotten over that stage I have reached the point of accepting he is gone, it has switched to nights being my more challenging time, probably because that is when my brain has time to truly focus on things and it is when we spent most of our time together though my crying bursts are fewer they for me tend to happen at night hang in there. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 I find some mornings difficult, but mostly my grief comes in the evening. During the day I stay busy and try not to think, but when evening approaches I remember preparing dinner for the both of us and then relaxing downstairs or watching tv shows or movies. I still cannot watch his favorite television shows, movies or hear some songs. I end of crying and feeling miserable missing LC all over again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 Evenings for me were the hardest too. All of the days distraction were gone and I was back in the house where we shared our peaceful moments together. That Kim is when the demons can come. Over time they came to visit less frequently for perhaps they knew they were not welcome or perhaps they grew tired of the foul language I would spit at them. Perhaps I just got tired of listening to them. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 My worst time continues to be the evenings and nights. I hate it when the sun goes down each evening, because then I can't ignore this ugly alligator in the room any longer that day...every day. It's still impossible for me to get interested in the tv. I sometimes turn it on, but it ends up just being for background noise. Sometimes the silence becomes absolutely deafening. And I still find myself many days not able to get interested in anything. Activities or chores that I used to enjoy or not mind doing, now are a exercise in futility to even just think about. But somehow I get through each day. Sleep is usually only about 3-4 hours each nite. This morning my day is starting at about 4am. Sometimes I wish I was able to just curl up on the bed and have that "good cry" that never came. With me it isn't a macho thing...the tears just don't come. So I never had that release that a good cry is supposed to provide. Some days I get angry just about that. I never really seriously considered suicide, but I do wonder what the point of all this is. Life is so empty and meaningless now, but somehow I manage to get through each day...and night. I suppose this is the price of my ticket into heaven so I'll then be able to be with my Cookie again. One foot in front of the other, somehow... Darrel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 I find some mornings difficult, but mostly my grief comes in the evening. During the day I stay busy and try not to think, but when evening approaches I remember preparing dinner for the both of us and then relaxing downstairs or watching tv shows or movies. I still cannot watch his favorite television shows, movies or hear some songs. I end of crying and feeling miserable missing LC all over again. My faith and love of God protects me from any demons that would try and infiltrate my faith and life. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 Nights and weekends were the worst for me because I worked in the day and it was when our normal time together came that it hit me the hardest. I regret that I didn't take sleeping pills because I didn't get much sleep and I'm sure it would have helped. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 6, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 Seems we all have a point in the day where the pain is just unavoidable..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 There's no set time for me. Grief waves hit just when you least expect it. A song, a tv show, a thought in my head can all conjure up some deeply intense pain. Grieving a soul mate is the hardest journey any one of us will ever take, The pain will last a lifetime and it's just a matter of somehow "adjusting" to this new, alone life. A life that will never have the same joy it once had. It's anything but easy. That's why I believe it's so important to live our life using the love we shared with our beloved as an inspiration. To know that they would want us to be happy. With the hope in our heart that we will someday be reunited with them. Mitch 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted January 6, 2017 Report Share Posted January 6, 2017 2 hours ago, mittam99 said: Grieving a soul mate is the hardest journey any one of us will ever take, The pain will last a lifetime and it's just a matter of somehow "adjusting" to this new, alone life. A life that will never have the same joy it once had. It's anything but easy. That's why I believe it's so important to live our life using the love we shared with our beloved as an inspiration. To know that they would want us to be happy. With the hope in our heart that we will someday be reunited with them. Mitch I agree with you on all these points Mitch. We need to have the hope to find the happiness they want for us and the joy, although different, will surface eventually. The last line is what I keep repeating to myself. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Well, on my calendar, I took a shower on January 2nd. I don't know when I will take another one. I do my PTA bathing, but don't want to bathe, see people, or do anything but play on the computer. Guess I'll have to take another on Wednesday. So Wednesday's will be my Saturday night bath. Aren't you glad Mitchum's lasts so long. I know my family is happy with that. On a serious note, I start having my "terror" attacks, anxiety really, about 10:00 a.m. each morning. And, somehow I associate that with the time Billy would be waking up and I would be taking him his coffee after him reading till 2:00 a.m. That was our daily/nightly routine. If you think that was boring, I honestly want to die of boredom. I have always said that. I have had my share of excitement in my life. No one analyzed my anxiety attacks and really fighting off taking a Xanax at 10:00 a.m. as the reason I gave. I just accept it. I'm fighting it. I try to do something else and honestly am not thinking of this at the time I start having my terror, shortness of breath, but finally I decided this must be the reason. I have come to the assumption that if I want to think it, I will. Now, if I could only turn my mind to those quotes that are happier and make a lot of sense. Not too occupied with sense right now. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Marg, those anxiety attacks are the worst. I had them before he passed but have been getting the more frequently and more intensely now 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 I knew what they were, because when I had cancer I would have them and a psychiatrist told me what they were. These just slipped up on me and won't let me go. I read somewhere that because I have had a ruptured colon that sometimes that will make a person shake during periods of upset. I definitely have that, But I am absolutely sure these things will hang on and I do not plan on stopping Xanax. Not much medicine I can take anyhow, definitely no antidepressants, so someone will give me the Xanax until I no longer need it, and that will be when I, myself, leave. I did quit having them after the cancer and never had them again until October of 2015. I didn't have them while he was sick because I was stronger than God, I was not going to let him go. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 For me it's random...much like my personality I guess... Love those thoughts Mitch....trying to hold on to hope and happiness..I know that's what he wanted. Prayers for a peaceful night sleep for all, Marie 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 For those suffering anxiety attacks- I have struggled with anxiety/depression most of my life. I do take a medication that seems to have stableized my depression/anxiety. The medication has a lot of restrictions, and some serious side effects, however it was a medication that worked for me. I started taking it when I was 20 years old and have only had to increase the dosage one time thus far. I am currently 55 years old. Mine is bio-chemical and not brought on by life events but can be intensified by them. There are ways to control the panic and anxiety. Please, talk to a therapist about techniques that can help to calm you and make it possible to control your anxiety.( I did and it changed my life.) Simply being on medication with out therapy is is like doing a project half of the way. Medication seems to work much better in conjunction with therapy. I hope those who are suffering from anxiety find hope and peace, by knowing that there is help available, and that our loved ones that have passed are always near and watch over us. . 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Having panic disorder myself, milk is so right on in her post. I've been on medication for 30 years now and without therapy it would only be part of the solution. Losing Steve definitely called for a change after decades of a well workable ability to live with the disorder. It's so important to learn this IS biochemical and not a weakness. Having this enormous grief enter my life made the anxiety and fear that comes with it get out of control. Plus I've lost my safe person. Just his presence would help me face things that would trigger attacks. Now things come up that are very hard to handle on my own. Most of the time I didn't even need him with me, it was knowing he was in my life. Being alone creates fear by itself, but a chemical disorder creates a huge challenge. Thank you for your post, milk. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 I do the meditation each night. Since part of mine is from the ruptured colon (the fear and shaking), and I should be thankful to be alive, I do know about the techniques, but yet cannot sometimes control the pain from the colon rupture when it arises. And I do control it, only rarely does it control me. But, because of it, there are medications I cannot take. Until hospitalization, which I hope to avoid, because the pain killer medications themselves could kill me, even antibiotics carefully monitored, the Xanax works nicely and will suffice until like Red Fox used to say "Elizabeth, this is the big one" and then I don't know what will happen, but know there is nothing more they can do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 And here's a free webinar Marty listed in tools for healing, webinars section, to help with anxiety:https://my.demio.com/ref/4C6tOUT8I2EeSuAU 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 Reading about those of you who have suffered from panic. anxiety and depression throughout your lives has me wondering about something. Please bear with me. All of us have lost the one person who made our day better. The person who made the sun shine brighter and gave us unconditional love like we will never experience again. In that way, we share a common pain, although each of our relationships was unique in some ways. We all have lost the love of our lives, but, each of us are unique emotionally. So, I wonder, is this grief life even harder for those who were dealing with pre-existing emotional angst before their loved one died? I have been lucky enough to say I haven't dealt with panic attacks in my life. Yet, right after Tammy died, I had to go to the bank to change to a new account and I found myself overwhelmed with a feeling of anxiety like I never had before. I felt like I didn't belong. The bank, the people in it and the world seemed like a very scary place. I remember sitting in the chair talking to the bank employee and wondering if I would last the 1/2 hour I needed to be there or would I run out of the bank in a panic? I remember looking at the empty chair next me and aching for Tammy to be there to calm me down. When I finally left the bank, I sped home, locked the door and finally felt some relief from the cruel, cold world. My heart goes out to all who are suffering. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 38 minutes ago, mittam99 said: I have been lucky enough to say I haven't dealt with panic attacks in my life. I have had one when I was driving, since Billy left, that all I could do was keep driving. My reason for being out was to explore the roads of our childhood. I had to hurry home. But, years ago, back in the 80's, I did leave a full grocery buggy in the checkout line and turned and walked out the door. I believe you probably did have a panic attack, but you somehow controlled it, or you would have left in "mid-flight" without filling out the papers. There are times you feel "I cannot be here" and you leave. When I have my morning anxiety, I am in my apartment, I can handle it the best I can, there is no "flight or fight" response, no where to go, no one to talk to, you handle it yourself, take deep breaths, listen to your ear buds with that foreign man talking hypnotically to you (sometimes if I could find him I would choke him), and if that does not work you turn TV on, take a Xanax and chill out. Until Billy's death, I had only had them in the 80's, and not many at all. I actually meditated myself over that cool lagoon, (I was in a hammock physically, outside) and imagined myself on that soft moist cloud over the beautiful blue lagoon. I cannot do that anymore, at least not yet, realization that I cannot swim might hinder the process. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 In the beginning, I think we all agree that our grief was constant, kind of like drowning. After a few years, mine has become random, like Marie's. So many other of life's trials have appeared that grief moves to the back burner for a bit. Mine seems to hit when I'm overly tired or watching a certain movie, but mostly when listening to music. I lean toward CW music which is a trigger in itself. It's funny, but I have never once wished that he was here to help me over some of the humps. I have always been relieved that he was gone before Debbie died, for he would not have survived her death. I have never had panic attacks, probably just anger attacks at life in general. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 7, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 7 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Plus I've lost my safe person. Just his presence would help me face things that would trigger attacks. Exactly. Losing that person you depended on so much to get you through those rough times makes dealing with it on your own that much harder. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 1 hour ago, AB3 said: Exactly. Losing that person you depended on so much to get you through those rough times makes dealing with it on your own that much harder. We depended on them and they needed us too. We were part of a once in a lifetime team. Now alone, we feel like we are missing 1/2 of who we are... the half that made us feel complete. I still try to gain strength from Tammy to this day. I was so blessed to have had her accept me as her husband. I remember her smile and her hugs and her kisses and her voice and most of all, her love. I think about her incredible spirit and courage when others would have just given up. Her resolve. I draw on all of that to somehow give me the strength to contend with this life that I now live. A life that often feels meaningless and like a broken record of "rinse, wash, repeat". Tammy will never die in my heart and in my mind. She lives on inside me, encouraging me, loving me and giving me a sense that I matter. All of us matter. Mitch 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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