Still mourn Husband after 5 years

[Linda E]

5 years and another Easter without you, My Julian,

[Gwenivere]

Last night I had a dream about Steve.  It was quite distressing because he was deciding wether to leave or not.  But it wasn’t dying, it was just leaving.  We separated once for 2 years in the mid 90's.  I thought that was the hardest time of my life, yet I found many ways to rebuild myself and he did too.  We needed the break and became unbreakable after it.  Understood commitment and lived that way until he was taken without consent.  Our life was renewed and we never took anything for granted aft that.  The big thing was he was alive.  We often saw each other because of our dog who was our 'kid'.  I could always call him if something was needed at the house.  I’m not sure why I am writing this except for the huge difference it was just knowing he existed, even if he wasn’t with me.  I’d take that separation back in a heartbeat.  The finality of things now is just too much.  There are no options.  No choices.  No excuses to get together.  

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We separated once for 2 years in the mid 90's.  I thought that was the hardest time of my life, yet I found many ways to rebuild myself and he did too.  We needed the break and became unbreakable after it.

They say after a bone breaks and heals, it is stronger than it was before, perhaps that's how it was for you, having learned so much through what you went through.  It's neat that your dog kept you seeing each other. 

You're right, the finality is hard.  My daughter is going through so much with her husband leaving her (again) and while it's damaged her ability to trust and how she views him and their relationship, still, the possibility still exists, should he want to put forth the work needed, to make it yet.  For us that possibility was removed through no fault of our own and we're left having to accept being apart and remembering/loving each other through a different avenue.  We've been through a lot, but I choose to embrace the love we have for each other.

[mlg]

Dear Linda,

The 5 year mark was my worst year. I was falling in a big dark hole and I was afraid I wasn't going to come out. I finally went for counselling and started on medication. There was no rhyme or reason for this unexpected feeling. So to answer your question, you are perfectly normal. Yo may have to go back to the beginning and take it one minute or one hour at a time to get through this but you can get there.  It just slow and steady. Keep coming here because there are a lot of good people on here and Marty won't let you drown.

MLG

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for posting that, MLG.  I am going into my 4th year and am sooooooooo tired of outsiders not understanding how this affects everything in your life and always will.  My standard unsaid response is 'you try it for even a year and get back to me' about the progress I should be making about something you have never felt.  

[MartyT]

(So nice to "see" you here again, Mary Linda! I hope all is well with you ♥)

[Linda E]

Dear MG,

Thanks for your post, I have been on meds and see a therapist every two weeks. There is no magic pill for grief, the meds just keep me functioning everyday. I am in the 1% prolonged grieving group and will live with it until I die. I just exist day to day and I have accepted that I will not get any better since the day the died My Husband died because I died with him. I will never again have the happiness I had with him.  

 

 

[Margm]

Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD is about my favorite grief counselor.  I have his daily "Grief One Day at a Time" book.  October will be three years for me.  I am not going to count the months.  I am that strange person that gets real anger with numbers.  Strange in a lot more ways also.

Today's "help" mostly spoke to me with his words  "Of course, we may also be profoundly comforted by our faith, whatever that uniquely means to us.  Faith can be the most assuaging comfort of all." 

I really find my memory sometimes is the most comfort.  I cannot forget Billy, ever.  But, like the old way of treating illnesses was to bleed that person, I find if I bleed myself too much, I am sad all the time.  I don't think I am ever "happy" in any way I used to be happy, but I can feel Rose Kennedy's description of "scar tissue" over the wound sometimes, unless I purposefully  bleed myself.  And, I can do that often too.  

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I don't think I am ever "happy" in any way I used to be happy, but I can feel Rose Kennedy's description of "scar tissue" over the wound sometimes, unless I purposefully  bleed myself.  And, I can do that often too.  

Happy has disappeared from my vocabulary.  Even the memories of it cause pain.  I’m not growing any scar tissue either and that scares me.  I have so many physical problems I have to face alone.  Grief amplifies everything so slight tremors mean Parkinson’s, eye changes are MS or some other terrible malady, etc.  having no one to talk to when feeling these things I took for granted.  I’d tend to them in a rational manner.  Not that I have any close friends, but if I did I wouldn’t say anything because I think thy would think I was crazy and maybe I am.  The worst thing is access to the internet now.  Have to try and not read stuff to feed it, but I usually fail so get myself all wound up.  

Happiness.  I’ll go check my iPad dictionary for that.  

[Linda E]

I live by these words only.

[mlg]

Thank you Marty. I can't say I'm glad to be back but I always know there are good friends on here.  I have lost so many friends this year, it really brings you down. I know the older we get the more often it happens but that doesn't help.  A friend of mine that passed away several years ago and she had 3 daughters and I try to keep an eye on them for her. Her oldest daughter (49) just lost her husband and I told her she needed to  try this forum so I was looking in to see if my old friend Kay C was still here and she was.   I hate that we have lost Wendy . Even though I have never met these people in person I feel that they are my friends.  

Glad to see that you can keep this site going.

MLG

[kayc]

I know, I felt very close to Wendy, it was hard to see her go through so much suffering, she was always busy looking after her mom and grandma and here it was HER that died!  Nobody ever said life was fair.  I know Fred still misses her.

[Linda E]

To my Darling Husband

[Linda E]

[kevin]

I've accepted Grief is a life long companion sometime ago.........And still  usually speak of Angela in the present. Strange thing is, almost 50% of people who have loved, will experience this.....

[scba]

On Thursday, March 29, 2018 at 5:33 PM, Gwenivere said:

 

Happiness.  I’ll go check my iPad dictionary for that.  

I know I am unhappy. My life is an unhappy one. My survival tools, work, household, acquaitances, groceries, yoga, counseling, are all floating in a sea of unhappiness. That is why I wonder how long they will last, how long I WILL LAST. Can you live long being unhappy? 

I don't want to be on pictures. It is so obvious to me what my eyes and my fake smile are saying. I avoid them. But there is sth/strange.....I look very very much younger now, like a teenager. 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I know I am unhappy. My life is an unhappy one. My survival tools, work, household, acquaitances, groceries, yoga, counseling, are all floating in a sea of unhappiness. That is why I wonder how long they will last, how long I WILL LAST. Can you live long being unhappy?

I go thru this thought processs every morning.  Every day that passes makes them harder to face.  I don’t want to live like this anymore.  I don’t know how to change the reality of it.  He'll never be here again.  I live in constant physical pain every day except sitting which gives my mind more time to think about the emotional pain.  When I was active I could at least engage it in some other less destructive thoughts.  So when I do my activities, I miss being immersed in them, just for a short while.  Things from volunteering to taking a shower to having to fill the dogs water bowl.  Loneliness and pain are tests of sanity or at least rational  thinking.  I am losing that and have no one to truly turn to.  As this is the start of yet another day, the thought of living long is not a goal at all.  It’s so hard being so disappointed I wake up. 

I do believe you can die from lack of happiness.  Lack of purpose, meaning and love.  So much of me has already.  This darned body keeps going tho.  I wish it would set me free. I can’t count how many nights I’ve begged for that going to sleep.  

[TomPB]

Turned on TV and there's a pretty good production of "Jesus Christ, Superstar" on NBC. I remember listening to it and discussing it with friends about the time that Susan and I were finishing graduate school at UCLA, 1971. So young and invulnerable and on top of the world, so many memories, now painful. What a find for day 1 of year 2 without Susan. I have a new calendar. The year begins on 4/1.

[Gwenivere]

As I’ve said before and now again, it’s so sad we have to add a date to our lives that will always bring pain.  

[mittam99]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As I’ve said before and now again, it’s so sad we have to add a date to our lives that will always bring pain.  

You know something Gwen? You're right of course that those certain dates (holidays and anniversaries) are extra painful and full of angst. But, the even harsher reality is that every day is now full of pain and angst due to only one date...

The day our beloved died.

[Linda E]

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, mittam99 said:

You know something Gwen? You're right of course that those certain dates (holidays and anniversaries) are extra painful and full of angst. But, the even harsher reality is that every day is now full of pain and angst due to only one date...

The day our beloved died.

You are so right, Mitch.   I Live this every day as we all do and know how not one goes by without it being impacted in some way.  I’m so used to feeling moved from the world at large now that it’s only reminders seen in others that there once was a fulfilled time and love existed not just in memory or my heart.

[Cookie]

On ‎04‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 4:03 PM, Gwenivere said:

I go thru this thought processs every morning.  Every day that passes makes them harder to face.  I don’t want to live like this anymore.  I don’t know how to change the reality of it.  He'll never be here again.  I live in constant physical pain every day except sitting which gives my mind more time to think about the emotional pain.  When I was active I could at least engage it in some other less destructive thoughts.  So when I do my activities, I miss being immersed in them, just for a short while.  Things from volunteering to taking a shower to having to fill the dogs water bowl.  Loneliness and pain are tests of sanity or at least rational  thinking.  I am losing that and have no one to truly turn to.  As this is the start of yet another day, the thought of living long is not a goal at all.  It’s so hard being so disappointed I wake up. 

I do believe you can die from lack of happiness.  Lack of purpose, meaning and love.  So much of me has already.  This darned body keeps going tho.  I wish it would set me free. I can’t count how many nights I’ve begged for that going to sleep.  

Scba and Gwen:  I can really relate to what you've said.  I thought the description of "floating in a sea of unhappiness" was the perfect description of what I also feel.  Not happy...just getting through the days.  Wonder myself how long I can live like this....it's amazing to me how others around me think it's been long enough for healing, getting back to live (almost 3 years this June).  I don't feel that way at all....miss him more than ever and feel so sad all the time.  Thank God I can come here and read all your posts; it makes me feel like at least I'm not the only one in the universe who can't seem to find my way back yet.....take care all, Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎03‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 7:33 AM, Linda E said:

Dear MG,

Thanks for your post, I have been on meds and see a therapist every two weeks. There is no magic pill for grief, the meds just keep me functioning everyday. I am in the 1% prolonged grieving group and will live with it until I die. I just exist day to day and I have accepted that I will not get any better since the day the died My Husband died because I died with him. I will never again have the happiness I had with him.  

 

 

Linda E:  You are not alone in being in the 1% group.  I am definitely there with you; wish neither of us was there.  After almost 3 years (this June), I still can't imagine life without him.  How long were you together?  I met my husband when I was 18 and we were together 47 years.  I know length of time is not really any measure of love, but gosh, 47 years was my whole life....fondly, Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎03‎/‎28‎/‎2018 at 10:17 PM, Gwenivere said:

Thanks for posting that, MLG.  I am going into my 4th year and am sooooooooo tired of outsiders not understanding how this affects everything in your life and always will.  My standard unsaid response is 'you try it for even a year and get back to me' about the progress I should be making about something you have never felt.  

So right!