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Gwenivere

Grief removes all guard rails

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Gwen, assisted living or a homecare worker for a few hours daily not a bad idea.......Proud of your Quit ,you will see the benefits of not smoking  soon....Keep up the fight, this Journey definitely has some steep hills...Picture of me with youngest grandson...Christmas Eve

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Kevin, that is one big grin on your face, being a grandpa suits you!  Love the sweater too!  :D  This house has the same layout as my son's I was surprised, for a second I thought it was his place!

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5 hours ago, kevin said:

or a homecare worker for a few hours daily not a bad idea..

Investigate this Gwen.  I know you do  not want to leave home.  My sister had someone come in to help with my mom and maybe Medicare pays for it.  Am not sure you are old enough for Medicare.  You must have excellent insurance though and your ER social worker should be able to help with this.  After so many years of volunteering, I know you hate to give that up.  But, most nursing homes have rehab attached to them so you might know someone that can put you in touch with help.  Keeping a clear head when you are ill and when you still have widow's brain are two things that seem impossible.  💗💟💗

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12 hours ago, kevin said:

Gwen, assisted living or a homecare worker for a few hours daily not a bad idea.......Proud of your Quit ,you will see the benefits of not smoking  soon....Keep up the fight, this Journey definitely has some steep hills...Picture of me with youngest grandson...Christmas Eve

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Kevin:  What a precious grandson you have.  Your smile says it all.  Dee

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Did another volunteer day, sort of.  My back degeneration is getting intolerable.  Makes me feel useless.  I’m too terrified of the surgery for it because of being alone and I mean without Steve.  I’d still be terrified, but he would probably talk me into it seeing how I’m suffering.  I wouldn’t have to worry about the dogs and a big chance of not having to go to a rehab facility for maybe weeks.  Nor have strangers in as caregivers.  I did some once simple errands after leaving the nursing home and I just want to cry and scream about the unfairness of getting disabled when I have to now operate without my partner.  I know you can’t drive for maybe a couple months.  But Steve could get me out.  No one understands my reluctance of turning myself over to strangers.  None of them have had to.  My counselor just had both hips replaced and had his wife.  Different recovery too.  Only took a week off for each.  Quicker recovery, less risks.  Anyway, it’s so hard not feeling I belong at Foss now.  I asked the activity gal if we could chat a bit in her office and she said not a good idea since the new director laid out all the unfriendly rules.  I always walk out now and sit in my car wondering what to do.  I used to spend hours there.  Lots of laughter and comradery.  Just a daily whine about stuff I have no control over.  I just keep coming back to if Steve was here, all these kinda things wouldn’t be so heartbreaking.  2018 really set me back big time.  I think of all I have given others all my life and now I need some back from my best friend.  Again, no control on that.  My heart is so dark.  

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Gwen,

I've been horribly sick all week, don't know how long this will last, but it's been very hard taking care of my dog and cat.  Everyone says to take Nyquil but I can't drive like this so have to do w/o it.  This is one of those times I need my partner back, I can't begin to imagine how you must feel on an everyday basis.  I watched what my sister went through this year, and she had a husband who did everything for her!  She barely made it through the year.  He is still doing all of the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, driving.  There needs to be a place you can rent a husband.

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KayC, is it Flu like symptoms that just don't get better......I was slowed  down for about two weeks, chest, head , and even Bones were sore.....I was surprised how many people that have been effected...Next year flu shot just for Insurance...

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I get my flu shot every September as soon as they are available.always hit and miss by science guessing, but I want a chance to skirt it if possible.  Also got the 2 pneumonia shots.  What’s the kicker is I have gotten sicker this year more than usual.  Bad bad year.

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I get my flu shot every year but yes it's like a flu and cold all in one.  They don't cover all strains and it seems they're getting stronger.  My friends are on day nine of this, I'm on day six.

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On 12/7/2018 at 12:00 PM, KarenK said:

Marita,

Kachinas are hand carved Native American dolls created by the Hopi, Navajo, and Zuni craftsmen. Each one is unique and carved  to represent an animal such as wolf or owl or  immortal beings such as Corn Mother or Sun God, for example. They are said to be messengers between us and the spirit world. Not sure if any other tribes do this work, but the Hopi craftsman do the finest and most expensive ones here in Arizona. The Hopi reservation is a tiny one and sits smack dab in the middle of the large Navajo reservation. Not sure how that came about. All my Kachinas are Hopi which I purchased from the craftsman. Used to have 30 of them, but had to sell many so am down to a dozen. They are carved from the Cottonwood root and stand an average of 8" to 20"  high, although the size is limited only by the artist. Somewhere around this messy house, I have a book about them which I will gladly send to you if I can find it. Living in Arizona for over 60 years, I have collected a lot of Native American pottery and hand painted drums, along with the Kachinas. I treasure each piece.

Your Kachina De Chelly was beautiful. I'm so sorry it was necessary to let her go. Canyon De Chelly is in northern Arizona. I hiked it once as a teenager in the summer with a church group. Beautiful, but remember it was a tough hike because the youth leaders didn't bring water and it was hot and dusty.

Karen, I'm sitting here today just going back through some old threads, and just read this post of yours. My wife and I lived in Holbrook operating a Comfort Inn for several years. Cookie started collecting kachinas while we lived there. They are so uniquely beautiful.  And there is no such thing as 2 of a kind. Be well. Wish I had your sunshine and warm temps these days. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Darrel,

Nice to hear from you. I love my Kachinas and other Native American craftwork. There are times when it makes me a bit sad to see all of it sitting here as it represents part of the happier life I once lived. Such a different solitary life now. Have passed by Holbrook many times on our way to Gallup and Zuni.  My photo was taken by the wall(hand painted by a Zuni artist) outside a shop in Zuni. He made beautiful hand painted drums. Those were the days.......

Peace to you and be well.

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Darrel, every time I quote your famous quote, I think of you and wonder how you're doing.

Listening to you and Karen talk...I so wish I could have gone to a tribal ceremony with George.  I still have the thick file on his Native American heritage.  Someday I need to send it to his daughter.

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43 minutes ago, kayc said:

Darrel, every time I quote your famous quote, I think of you and wonder how you're doing.

Listening to you and Karen talk...I so wish I could have gone to a tribal ceremony with George.  I still have the thick file on his Native American heritage.  Someday I need to send it to his daughter.

Kay, I hope this finds you well...and warm.  The older I get the more I dislike cold weather. I got terribly spoiled by the mild winters down yonder in the Houston area (I never have been able to find where "yonder" is on my atlas!).  Winters down there just called for a light jacket. We were supposed to get about 4 inches of snow here last Saturday, but we woke up to a VERY light dusting. That disn't disappoint me one bit.

I check the forum here most days, but I find that I'm just a bit hesitant to make comments as freely as I used to. It's my own fault. I made a terrible (expletive deleted) out of myself a time or two here. I still regret it, but sometimes it's hard to mop up all that spilled milk. I keep myself occupied most days trying to get a book written. Hemingway I'm not! I've never done anything like it before, and it's a bit daunting. I'm wanting it to be a self-help sort of thing. How to deal with adversity and look for ways and reasons to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other. That sort of subject matter. I may never get it done. But even if I don't it's giving me a way to deal with my moods better.

My 70th birthday is coming up next month. I sure wish Cookie was here to make me one of her homemade German choc. cakes. Everything was made from scratch. Even the icing. My mouth still waters just thinking about her cooking. The best ingredient was her love that she put into everything she touched.  BE WELL EVERYONE!  Try to find something to smile about today.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Darrel,

The only one that remembers anything that far back is you, so let it go and be comfortable, you're one of us. ;)

You're three years older than me then, I'll be 67 this year, where does time fly?  German Chocolate, one of my favorites!  I love that and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.  Rarely get those treats, I'm Diabetic so I quit baking.  I know someone who knows how to make an excellent small choc. cake w/o sugar and have begged her for the recipe so I could make it for my son but alas have still not received it.  I gave up asking.

I'm glad you didn't get the expected snow, we were predicted two days & nights of snow and it didn't materialize.  NOT complaining in the least!  But I was surprised to wake up and...nothing, my dog would have loved a bit!

Writing a book...that sounds industrious, I wouldn't know where to start.  Not that I don't have knowledge to impart, but trying to figure out how to put it in some kinds of acceptable form, now that's another matter!  Good luck with your endeavors.  And as I've learned whenever I've taught something, it is I who gleans the most out of it!  I'm sure the same must be true for writing a book.  Alas, I wish TX weren't so far, my bestie lives there, she's in Lockhart.  They're planning to sell their home and go to RVing. Now I won't know where to find her!

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On 1/21/2019 at 11:03 AM, olemisfit said:

The best ingredient was her love that she put into everything she touched.

Darrell, when Mark was sick in ICU and then in recovery, I had the oddest feeling I was starving to death even though I made sure I ate healthy, and saw him daily, in the evenings after work and all day weekends.  After awhile, it dawned on me that I was missing the love he put into his fantastic cooking.  It's a real thing, that magic touch.  💖

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51 minutes ago, Kieron said:

Darrell, when Mark was sick in ICU and then in recovery, I had the oddest feeling I was starving to death even though I made sure I ate healthy, and saw him daily, in the evenings after work and all day weekends.  After awhile, it dawned on me that I was missing the love he put into his fantastic cooking.  It's a real thing, that magic touch.  💖

So very true Kieron. Cookie and I both l loved to do things for each other. She didn't have a selfish bone in her body. For at least 20 years she would make the german choc. cake as my birthday cake. It took a lot of work and time to make one entirely from scratch. That sucker would be as heavy as an anvil because of all the ingredient but geez were they ever good. I never was any good in a kitchen. I eventually figured out why. I just wasn't interested in indoor cooking. I'm okay with a bbq grill, but indoors I couldn't boil water without burning it. I would try anything on a grill. Give me some thick sliced bologna and some bbq sauce and I'm totally happy. Since Cookie passed I've learned how to cook indoors. But nothing I throw together can hold a candle to Cookie's version. But then I no longer eat for enjoyment anymore. 

I hope this finds you well, my friend.

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6 hours ago, olemisfit said:

. But then I no longer eat for enjoyment anymore. 

This is so true!  I could probably count the few times I actually liked eating over the past years.  Now?  Nope, it’s just a task necessary for survival.  I bring home some really good stuff, then I sit down alone and all enjoyment evaporates.  Every now and then I have some chocolate and that always tastes good, but the thrill is gone when it is.  Steve was the BBQ guy like you, Darryl.  He could hold his own in the kitchen, but he was the grill king.  I miss seeing him out there and talking thru the window while I made salads and bread.  I miss it all. The first year he was gone I’d still get pizzas on special and be exited, but I was in shock for a long time.  It was like he was away on a business trip and it was girl time with the dogs.  And then......he never came home again.  We don’t wait anymore.  When it hits you this is forever you can never go back.  So many things I do I always did running this house.  Another change there too.  It’s missing that home feeling.  I, not we, live here.  Lots of stuff going unused or touched as it was his.  The silence.  The noise of TV and drugs, medical conditions, products I never needed or wanted to know.  Getting older alone.  Why aren’t we griping together?  Why aren’t we one of those older couples in the store still living our lives?  Why is my motivation for food shopping microwave driven?  I see young people eating better than I do with fresh food to prepare. Why aren’t we looking back at triggers from our younger decades and laughing?  Why aren’t we hiring people to do things and OK about it?  I have to not just because of my age but because some take 2 people to do.  Why are there oxygen tanks where he used to sit in the car?  Why do one of our dogs and I curl up for bed every night and his place is empty?  I wake up sometimes with my arm stretched over it like I was feeling for him.  Why does the alarm always play a song that is tied to a memory?  

Questions with no answers but the obvious.  The Shriners called today for him.  I told the girl he was deceased and she said 'we’ll kick him off the list'.  I said thanks for the bad choice of words.  

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3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Questions with no answers but the obvious.  The Shriners called today for him.  I told the girl he was deceased and she said 'we’ll kick him off the list'.  I said thanks for the bad choice of words.  

Gwen:  Oh my goodness, what kind of person would say such a thing?  I hate it when I receive a call on my landline, yes I still have a landline which I refuse to give up since it has been our number for over 40 years, asking to talk to my husband.  I tell them to please remove the name from their calling list cause he doesn't live here any longer.  Some of them must have removed his name cause I seem to get less asking for him.  But then there are those dang "robo" calls.  I used to let the answer machine pick up, then I would pick up when I recognized the caller.  But now, with my Maddie and her health issues, I don't want to chance missing a call regarding her appointments, etc.  I had one of those "robo" calls the other day, and the voice on the other end was actually speaking in another language - sounded like Chinese.  If nothing else, I had a laugh for the day.  LOL - Dee

 

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How is Maddie doing, Dee?  I try and grab our phone before the machine because it has Steve talking on it.  Tho I love his voice, it cuts me to the quick.  My elder dog, Ally, is slowing down at almost 14 unless a squirrel shows up.  🐿

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Kick him off their list?  Wow!  Just when you think you've heard it all!  Can't make this stuff up!

I love how you put "unless a squirrel shows up", that is so funny and so true!  They can really come to life then, can't they!

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On 1/22/2019 at 10:33 AM, kayc said:

...... I know someone who knows how to make an excellent small choc. cake w/o sugar and have begged her for the recipe so I could make it for my son but alas have still not received it.  I gave up asking.

Here is a recipe for Low carb/KETO chocolate cake.  I'll search for the German chocolate cake recipe. 

😉

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Thank you for sharing this, George.  I watched the whole thing but never did see a written recipe listed, and when I googled it, I just got the same video.  So not sure how people know how much of what to use, maybe they just remember from the video?

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On 1/23/2019 at 12:57 AM, Gwenivere said:

How is Maddie doing, Dee?  I try and grab our phone before the machine because it has Steve talking on it.  Tho I love his voice, it cuts me to the quick.  My elder dog, Ally, is slowing down at almost 14 unless a squirrel shows up.  🐿

Gwen:  So far Maddie  is doing well.  Her last ultra sound on the 12th showed no tumor(s) had returned.   This type of bladder cancer does return unfortunately, so I am thankful for each day she is a happy girl.  Maddie is about 11 1/2 years old, not a puppy.  Her appetite is still good and loves her walks.  I wish I were younger and more able to take her on longer walks.  Your Ally must be healthy and happy to still be interested in chasing a critter at age 14 years.   

Shortly, after my Bob passed, I had my son change my answer machine and now I wish I hadn't.   I hate that sometimes I feel like I am forgetting Bob's voice.  There are videos mixed among our photos and old vcr tapes that maybe I'll have the courage to listen to some day, just not quite yet.

Dee

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

Thank you for sharing this, George.  I watched the whole thing but never did see a written recipe listed, and when I googled it, I just got the same video.  So not sure how people know how much of what to use, maybe they just remember from the video?

Here is a list:

Keto Chocolate Cake Flourless Cake
 

Low Carb Keto Dessert Recipes

 
       
A rich and delicious keto chocolate cake. Completely flourless.
Servings Prep Time
8 Slices 15 Minutes
Cook Time Passive Time
45 Minutes 10 Minutes
Ingredients
 
  • 200 Grams (10oz) Dark Chocolate (85% or Higher) I use Lindt 85%
  • 100 Grams (5oz)  Butter cubed
  • 100 ml (3.5oz) Cream
  • 4 Eggs separated
  • 4 Tbsp Swerve ( can find at Walmart and Amazon)
Servings: Slices
Units:
Instructions
 
 
  1. Butter an 8’ cake tin
     
  2. Break the chocolate into even pieces. Add the butter and microwave in short bursts till the chocolate is melted. You can also do this over a double boiler.
     
  3. Add the cream and Truvia and mix thoroughly.
     
  4. Add the egg yolks, one at a time, mixing until just combined.
     
  5. Whisk the egg whites separately with a pinch of salt just until stiff peaks form (careful, do not over beat).
     
  6. Fold the egg whites into the chocolate mixture in thirds gently until no white streaks remain.
     
  7. Bake at 160 C (325 F) for about 45 minutes or until the rest of the cake is set but the centre just jiggles.
     
  8. Bring to room temperature then chill for at least 4 hours before serving. This also freezes really well.
     
  9. Note: Don't worry if the chocolate mix looks like it's splitting when you add the cream, just continue to whisk it for a few more minutes and it will emulsify into this shiny, rich ganache.
     
Recipe Notes

Tips to Keep in Mind While Making the Keto Chocolate Cake

  • You can use Bakers Chocolate , but do taste and adjust the sweetener accordingly, so your cake doesn’t become too bitter
  • Don’t fret if the butter separates from the chocolate when you add the egg yolks! Use an electric whisk and mix for a good five to seven minutes until it comes together like a thick batter.
  • If you’re really worried about it not emulsifying, just leave out the cream. You can whip it separately and top the cake with it.
  • The keto chocolate cake will rise and deflate a bit after you take it out of the oven; this is perfectly normal.
  • Use a spatula to fold the egg whites in and don’t beat it in with the whisk, as this will deflate the cake.
  • For a chocolate-orange cake, add a bit of unsweetened orange extract or the zest of one orange into the chocolate mix before you fold in the egg whites.

 

I hope this helps. - Shalom

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3 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I hate that sometimes I feel like I am forgetting Bob's voice. 

Dee

Dear Dee, trust me when I tell you that our hearts never forget. It is all imprinted in our being. I only have a 1 minute audio of my beloved, I don't listen to it because it still hurts. Yet, time ago I had a dream in which he spoke, and it was HIS voice. It was sound and clear. I am in my 5th year and in my dream his voice was still his. It doesn't matter if my brain made it up, if there is a rational psychology reason. It was him speaking (I forgot what he said when I woke up but to me it was real). 5 years later, I remembered. 

There is a beautiful story from V. Franklin in which he describes the moment in which he had a conversation with his wife (both separated in different concentration camps). Not knowing if she was alive or dead. It is about love that transcends time and place. I believe is about our love stories too.

Peace

Ana

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